REPORT: Study Shows Masturbation Causes Climate Change

PsychicTaco115

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[Img_Inline width="260" height="250" Caption="Everytime you cum, a polar bear cries"]http://i.imgur.com/8NEcg4z.jpg
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An independent study has shown that masturbation has a significant impact on global climate change.

"When you stroke your peener, it causes friction. Friction makes heat. Heat makes things hotter and causes the ice caps to melt, resulting in climate change. This is based on my findings and I find them to be 100% pure concentrated truth. It's an objective fact and I think it's objective so it has to be right" said Alan Richards, founder of the Christians United Monitor think-group.

When asked whether or not people would be willing to accept this new revelation as truth, Richards insisted that his research was absolute

"Let's be honest, no one actually READS science articles anymore. People see it on their Facebook feed whenever the "I fucking love science" group posts and all they do is read the headline and think they're smarter than everyone else. I could say that we found midichlorians in human blood and people would eat it up. No one likes real science, they just want the flash, sexy version of it. It's scientific black face."

"The point is, the entire world is going to have to go without masturbation or sexual shenanigans until this global warming stuff stops. It's either that or give up oil and I know for damn sure that's not going to happen. This will take the combined efforts of all of humanity but hopefully God will return so it won't be that long. Hopefully he won't release plagues of locusts again, I hate bugs" said Richards.

Hopefully, people will think long and hard about whether the facts match with reality.

<a href=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ew-24Ad6t-g>Source

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DefunctTheory

Not So Defunct Now
Mar 30, 2010
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Thanks for this study, Taco. I've decided to do my part to combat global warming by only fapping with a cooling lubricant.


Touch yourself responsibly!
 

Superbeast

Bound up the dead triumphantly!
Jan 7, 2009
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Well, they do say that the planet is going to get warmer and wetter. Turns out they weren't talking about rain.
 

Parasondox

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Jun 15, 2013
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Hey, the Earth has had a good run. *fap fap fap*

Okay okay, fine. I'll use "green" methods of fapping. Those polar bears better be grateful.
 

Gengisgame

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Feb 15, 2015
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I recommend you stop masturbating altogether, not because I think it's wrong or anything but because you have noticeable amount of extra energy and drive.
 

StormShaun

The Basement has been unleashed!
Feb 1, 2009
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As part-time reporter,
and full-time representative and Overlord of the Basement, I believe we need to take drastic measures.

We should stick chastity belts on EVERYONE, well, minus everyone here who pay a small fee. But these chastity belts aren't the normal kind. They're the kind that release ghost chilli powder onto said genitalia if they get... *ahem* aroused.

Then naturally we throw them into the Basement, they'll get proper care down there, if you know what I mean. ;D
 

DefunctTheory

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Mar 30, 2010
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StormShaun said:
We should stick chastity belts on EVERYONE, well, minus everyone here who pay a small fee. But these chastity belts aren't the normal kind. They're the kind that release ghost chilli powder onto said genitalia if they get... *ahem* aroused.
It's time to steal a scam from Penn & Teller. We get the US government to mandate chastity belts for the entire US population, then sell them the belts at cost. Then, in a completely unrelated business venture, we sell lock picking kits at a 1000% mark up.

Gengisgame said:
I recommend you stop masturbating altogether, not because I think it's wrong or anything but because you have noticeable amount of extra energy and drive.
You've been listening a bit too hard to your chi-master.
 

PsychicTaco115

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Superbeast said:
Turns out they weren't talking about rain.
What if rain is just God's lube?

#DeepAsShitFam
Xpwn3ntial said:
And now I completely understand the thought process of fossil fuel companies.
They just want to jerk themselves off with those fat stacks they have
 

Catfood220

Elite Member
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Apr 3, 2020
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Oh my God!!! I have doomed us all and destroyed the planet. Finally my fiendish plan comes to fruition.

MWUHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am extremely sore.
 

Dimitriov

The end is nigh.
May 24, 2010
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To be fair, it is almost certainly true that Internet porn has increased the amount of screen time and electricity used.
 

Mikeybb

Nunc est Durandum
Aug 19, 2014
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Oh no.

If this is true it's only a matter of time before the entire membership of this forum is rounded up and placed on trial for our willful and continual attempts to sabotage the biosphere.
 

Fieldy409_v1legacy

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Oct 9, 2008
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Its not my fault its those damn lesbians! Being all sexy and stuff! How dare the lesbians do this to the enviroment!


Lesbians. Hwaaaaagh.

Also, every time you fap, you are using the universes energy and bringing the heat death of the universe slightly closer.
 

Parasondox

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Thyunda said:
PsychicTaco115 said:
Superbeast said:
Turns out they weren't talking about rain.
What if rain is just God's lube?
Water doesn't lubricate anything. That's why sex underwater is such a nightmare.
How do YOU know what under water sex is like?

*silently judging your and aroused*

Fieldy409 said:
Its not my fault its those damn lesbians! Being all sexy and stuff! How dare the lesbians do this to the enviroment!


Lesbians. Hwaaaaagh.

Also, every time you fap, you are using the universes energy and bringing the heat death of the universe slightly closer.
I blame them damn lesbians too. Being all free, sexy and hot. DAMN YOU "I Feel Myself", "Subby Girls", "Suicide Girls", "Karbo's Strapless Dildo", "Girls out West". ALL OF YOU!!

Don't judge me. :D