Review of Final Fantasy 7 Remake

fOx

Elite Member
Aug 26, 2017
583
398
68
Country
United States
I don't really remember the original Final Fantasy 7, but it is undeniably a masterpiece of story, action, plot, and character. A triumph of the video game interactive medium that managed to change the cultural zeitgeist in video games. Square, then, had a tall order in remaking the game for modern audiences. Thankfully, they completely succeeded.

FF7 is about a group of heroic freedom fighters, called Avalanche, trying to selflessly save the world from an evil corporation called shinra, which is sucking out the life blood of the planet for energy. The themes of environmentalism have been greatly improved upon from what I remember of the original. In the opening scene of the original game, we see a slow shot of the life stream, before panning out and seeing sparks of energy seeping out of a power vent. We then see our first character, Aerith, looking at this pensively before panning out and seeing that the city as a whole is being powered by multiple massive reactors. This leaves the audience with a lot of information to digest. The remake thankfully builds upon this moment by quickly skipping through the part with the life stream, and then pulling out to see aerith getting drop kicked by a random passer by. She is then kicked and beaten by a mob of oil barons wearing top hats from the 1800's. One of the men proceeds to rip her flower basket away from her and stomp on them angrily. I'm glad to see that square is building on the vision of the original game.

After this we cut to a scene where avalanche is attacking one of the power generators. As we fight our way through the reactor, Jessie, the only female in the group, makes one of those ooga ooga noises from old cartoons.


From what I remember of the original Jessie, she was a shy, but relatively assertive individual who, over time, built a natural friendship with the rather harsh cloud. As the new Jessie strips down and shakes her ass in my face, I admire how they expanded on the original character. And by character, I mean my penis. I quickly note down that she has replaced aerith as my top waifu and move on.

Once in the reactor, avalanche sets a bomb, and fights its way out of the facility. It's a fun sequence. Sadly, as our heroic saviors escape, we discover a plot twist: the dastardly shinra set bombs in the facility to blow up their own reactor, safely destroying any morale ambiguity that may have existed in the original. This would allow them to set up a false flag where they blame avalanche for blowing up a reactor as avalanche is busy blowing up a reactor. For a moment I begin to question why shinra didn't just blow up its own reactor and blame avalanche anyway, or ambush them, if they knew avalanche was going to be there. Then they could kill them in secret and still use the footage from their cameras as propoganda. I vaguely remember this exact thing happening in the second bombing run of the original game.

Thankfully, before I can think about this too much, Tifa is shoving her massive fucking milk tanks in my face. I write down in my notes: Jessie best waifu (?).

The rest of the game pretty much follows the same pattern. I honestly don't remember anything from the original, except pieces of Midgar, and that aerith dies. Did cloud wear a dress in the original? Huh, I guess he did. Anyway, I'm glad to say that this remake is a resounding success that gives fans exactly what they want. You will get to use a big anime sword to hit things. You will get to have a big anime fight with sephiroth. You will get to stare longingly into tifa's... eyes. There are tons of new areas and waifu's to explore.

The original FF7 was a meditative look at the nature of death and grief, written by a man who had recently buried his mother. In a way, it was a dirge that explored love, loss, grief, and finally, rebirth. It tackled themes dealing with things like global warming, and unchecked corporatism. This remake seems poised to thankfully rectify those mistakes by undoing most of the death in the original game. Hopefully, if we make the correct choices, we can undue another certain death scene in the original, and ride off happily into the sunset, just like fans want.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Drathnoxis

Neuromancer

Endless Struggle
Legacy
Mar 16, 2012
5,035
530
118
a homeless squat
Country
None
Gender
Abolish
I would like to call you out on ground of journalistic integrity, as you are lying about not remembering anything from the original, as you recently confided to me that you replayed it. I know you said it confidentially, but seeing this review I cannot in good confidence perpetuate the lie you are setting up here. Please re-write the review in good faith and honesty.
 

SupahEwok

Malapropic Homophone
Legacy
Jun 24, 2010
4,028
1,401
118
Country
Texas
I would like to call you out on ground of journalistic integrity, as you are lying about not remembering anything from the original, as you recently confided to me that you replayed it. I know you said it confidentially, but seeing this review I cannot in good confidence perpetuate the lie you are setting up here. Please re-write the review in good faith and honesty.
Just because he recently replayed it still doesn't mean he remembers much from it.
 

fOx

Elite Member
Aug 26, 2017
583
398
68
Country
United States
I would like to call you out on ground of journalistic integrity, as you are lying about not remembering anything from the original, as you recently confided to me that you replayed it. I know you said it confidentially, but seeing this review I cannot in good confidence perpetuate the lie you are setting up here. Please re-write the review in good faith and honesty.
Just because I played it recently, doesn't mean that I haven't forgotten most of it. I have brain damage.

Anyway, I forgot to give the remake a rating. 10/10 stars.
 
  • Like
Reactions: gorfias

Neuromancer

Endless Struggle
Legacy
Mar 16, 2012
5,035
530
118
a homeless squat
Country
None
Gender
Abolish
Just because I played it recently, doesn't mean that I haven't forgotten most of it. I have brain damage.

Anyway, I forgot to give the remake a rating. 10/10 stars.
Do not make me pull out the one-hundred and thirty page analysis of Final Fantasy VII you wrote and e-mailed me as you finished your replaying of the game. Understand that as your contractor I only want what is best for you. Apologize to the audience and rewrite this.
 

gorfias

Unrealistic but happy
Legacy
May 13, 2009
7,083
1,849
118
Country
USA
Just because I played it recently, doesn't mean that I haven't forgotten most of it. I have brain damage.

Anyway, I forgot to give the remake a rating. 10/10 stars.
Has the game mechanics changed? If so, do you have the option to use the O.G. mechanics?
 

Martintox

Mister Disorder
Legacy
Apr 3, 2020
16,017
77
53
Do not make me pull out the one-hundred and thirty page analysis of Final Fantasy VII you wrote and e-mailed me as you finished your replaying of the game. Understand that as your contractor I only want what is best for you. Apologize to the audience and rewrite this.
I appreciate the work you put into ensuring your contract partners maintain a high standard of quality. Funimation would learn quite a few things from you. Having played neither FF7 nor the remake, I dread to think of being misled in such a manner.
 

Fat Hippo

Prepare to be Gnomed
Legacy
May 29, 2009
1,991
57
33
Gender
Gnomekin
Yes, but does the FF7 Remake have the "skip bad combat" button that really, every JRPG should have?
 

fOx

Elite Member
Aug 26, 2017
583
398
68
Country
United States
Yes, but does the FF7 Remake have the "skip bad combat" button that really, every JRPG should have?
Yes, the game thankfully adds an option that makes the game play itself.

Has the game mechanics changed? If so, do you have the option to use the O.G. mechanics?
The game play is completely different. Instead of being turn based, it is now an action game. There is a "classic mode," but that title is a bit of a lie. It doesn't resemble the original game play at all. It basically allows the game to play itself, for anyone who finds the combat too complicated or difficult. This may be a good option for anyone who is more interested in the story then the game play, or people who don't play a lot of games.
 
  • Like
Reactions: gorfias

gorfias

Unrealistic but happy
Legacy
May 13, 2009
7,083
1,849
118
Country
USA
Yes, the game thankfully adds an option that makes the game play itself.



The game play is completely different. Instead of being turn based, it is now an action game. There is a "classic mode," but that title is a bit of a lie. It doesn't resemble the original game play at all. It basically allows the game to play itself, for anyone who finds the combat too complicated or difficult. This may be a good option for anyone who is more interested in the story then the game play, or people who don't play a lot of games.
Back in the day, I quit Tales of Symphonia on the Gamecube when I felt like I was just sorta watching. I love turn based combat. I'll keep watching info about FF7 remake. May be a buy for me as I was N64 only back then
 

fOx

Elite Member
Aug 26, 2017
583
398
68
Country
United States
Back in the day, I quit Tales of Symphonia on the Gamecube when I felt like I was just sorta watching. I love turn based combat. I'll keep watching info about FF7 remake. May be a buy for me as I was N64 only back then
If you haven't played the original FF7, then I would recommend playing that instead. Spoilers aside, this seems to be more of a re-imagining then a proper remake. You can get the original on any platform for about $10-15. Other then the graphics, the game has aged quite well.
 
  • Like
Reactions: gorfias