So I got friendzoned (not a bitching thread, don't worry!)

[Phasmal]

I'm just speaking from the perspective from someone who actually has had a friend girl, in addition to (fingers crossed) a girlfriend. She once told me she wanted someone she could call at all hours of the night when she had insomnia and I straight up told her "I'm not making myself that available to someone who I'm never going to have sex with." I've applied that line of thinking to guys, too. It's a simple statement of fact. Over the past few weeks she's gotten busy and I've mentioned a few times this other fantastic girl I've started dating, and suddenly the friend girl isn't that interested in me anymore. And it doesn't matter because I've met another awesome person anyways. I didn't put all my emotional and free time eggs in one basket, waste my time barking up the wrong tree, nor did I end on bad terms with the friend girl.

Whaaaaat?
That's kind of... mental.
When I went a bit loopy and didn't sleep for like 5 days straight I'd ring my best friend up at 10am every day to talk, but I guess she should have told me off because we weren't doing the nasty.
Being friends is about making yourself available. I once walked miles in a heatwave to take my friend to a doctors appointment she was scared about, and me and her were sure never gonna introduce our cats to each other (insert `if you know what I mean` picture here).
You do kind of make it sound like people you aren't going to be doinking aren't worth your time.

 

[NinjaDeathSlap]

Question (since all the other comments are supportive and merely to play Devil's advocate): would it really be "wrong" of the OP to no longer be interested? If he said, "ok that's fine, but I don't really feel like talking as much anymore," would that make him a "bad person?" Because accepting that a girl doesn't like you "that way" is a different idea from actually not being attracted to her. You can't turn that off if you really are. You can put it to the side, yes, but it's still going to be there to some extent. And if she gets herself into rotten relationship and complains to you about it, you're going to be in the classic position of every friendzoneded internet whiner there ever has been.

I'm not there, so I don't know the situation, but you were in her bed? You wanted to have sex/do stuff, but couldn't for reasons x, y, and z? In other words, you were in a position to do it, but she wouldn't let you. The point I'm roundabout working my way towards is that you are already "more than friends." I have never ever been in the same bed with a guy and wanted to have sex. She may be utilizing you as a surrogate boyfriend. She gets all the benefits of having a boyfriend, but without really letting you get close.

Here's my thought, (and it's probably wrong because I'm not you and I'm not there), but continue seriously looking for a real girlfriend. Set up some boundaries between you and the friendzoner. I'm not saying never talk to her, but being available at all hours and lying in bed with her should be off limits. Friends don't do that shit.

I'm just speaking from the perspective from someone who actually has had a friend girl, in addition to (fingers crossed) a girlfriend. She once told me she wanted someone she could call at all hours of the night when she had insomnia and I straight up told her "I'm not making myself that available to someone who I'm never going to have sex with." I've applied that line of thinking to guys, too. It's a simple statement of fact. Over the past few weeks she's gotten busy and I've mentioned a few times this other fantastic girl I've started dating, and suddenly the friend girl isn't that interested in me anymore. And it doesn't matter because I've met another awesome person anyways. I didn't put all my emotional and free time eggs in one basket, waste my time barking up the wrong tree, nor did I end on bad terms with the friend girl.

I'm just mentioning a few potential hazards in this relationship because it can be really easy to get hurt in a situation such as this, regardless of how uncool the internet deems it to be to have emotions and a sex drive.

Well, if he honestly wouldn't ever be happy not being 'more than just friends' with this girl, and so decided to distance himself a bit in order to get on with his life without his feelings for her being as much of an issue, then that's perfectly fine, because that's honesty. It wouldn't make him a bad person at all.

What isn't fine is the manipulative and dishonest attitude some people have after being 'friend-zoned' or whatever, where they accept this position because they think that if the play at being the 'nice guy friend' for long enough they might finally gain entry into the furry gates (usually through a chance combination of the girls emotional insecurity and alcohol), and thus trap the girl in a relationship that she knows in her heart of hearts that she doesn't want, but that she can't end because she can't bring herself to break up with 'that nice guy who was always there for her'. In the meantime though, they're content to be all supportive to her face, while secretly bitching about everything she does that doesn't involve screwing him. That's what a bad person does.

 

[AngloDoom]

Thanks for reading, for discussion value, have you ever been in a (potentially) bad situation only to realise later that it's actually worked out quite well for you?

I was dumped by a girl I had been going out with for only a few months. I wasn't really sad, but felt as if I was a bit unworthy: you don't go and dump someone unless they're not up to a certain standard, and I thought I hadn't been a bad boyfriend.

Then, turns out the girl was sleeping with five different people while we were going out, tried it on with two of my friends, bizarrely tried to get into the pants of a close friend of mine who was gay, and then accused me of raping her because I ended up going out with another girl two months after we broke up.

Holy shit, was that a close one.

 

[Random Argument Man]

Got friendzone a few times. (I'm not sure what it says about me). Anyhow, it depends on how much you got attached and how down to earth you really are.

But I still think, friendzones are mostly evil because of one of my cases. Everything goes well with a girl. She's great and we click...and then she decides "to be friends" so she can return with that douche who cheated on her 4 times. For 2 months, I've worked with this asshole. He knew things were going well between me and the girl. He goes back to her telling he's a changed man... Three months later, they broke up because guess what...he cheated on her again with two other girls.

She comes back to me wanting to "re-click". Never happened.



It ain't all misery though with friendzones. The first person who friendzoned me introduced me to my first girlfriend.

Friendzoned? About 80% bad, 20% good.

 

[Timberwolf0924]

here's question for ya all..

is it wrong to friend zone a girl?
one who throw's her body at you (which I took regurally for like 8 months and now I'm kind over it)

 

[zelda2fanboy]

Also, "I'm never making my self available to anyone I won't have sex with." Oh wow man.

Whaaaaat?
That's kind of... mental.
When I went a bit loopy and didn't sleep for like 5 days straight I'd ring my best friend up at 10am every day to talk, but I guess she should have told me off because we weren't doing the nasty.
Being friends is about making yourself available. I once walked miles in a heatwave to take my friend to a doctors appointment she was scared about, and me and her were sure never gonna introduce our cats to each other (insert `if you know what I mean` picture here).
You do kind of make it sound like people you aren't going to be doinking aren't worth your time.

Yeesh, I value my privacy and sleep sometimes. Friendship isn't about being on call 24/7, unless I'm missing out on something. I thought it was about finding another person with common interests to do fun stuff together - not chores.

 

[Phasmal]

Yeesh, I value my privacy and sleep sometimes. Friendship isn't about being on call 24/7, unless I'm missing out on something. I thought it was about finding another person with common interests to do fun stuff together - not chores.

I don't consider it to be a chore to be there if a friend needs me, but different strokes for different folks and all that.
The `I wont make myself available if we aren't gonna have sex` is more what weirded me out than anything else.
Does that mean you're never available to your male friends? (Assuming you are straight)

 

[BeeGeenie]

I'm just speaking from the perspective from someone who actually has had a friend girl, in addition to (fingers crossed) a girlfriend. She once told me she wanted someone she could call at all hours of the night when she had insomnia and I straight up told her "I'm not making myself that available to someone who I'm never going to have sex with."

Dang, Bro. That's cold. So what are you going to do when your girlfriend finds out you're only using her for sex?

While I'm the first to admit they are few and far between, there are some girls that are worth having around even without the potential for sexy times.

 

[Denamic]

That's not being friendzoned. That's communicating and clearly establishing the terms of your relationship. Being friendzoned is having a crush on a girl/guy while he/she's not recognizing that fact, keeping you around as a 'friend'.

 

[rosac]

Yeesh, I value my privacy and sleep sometimes. Friendship isn't about being on call 24/7, unless I'm missing out on something. I thought it was about finding another person with common interests to do fun stuff together - not chores.

Seriously, dude. Friends are there for each other man, through good times and bad. The reason why me and my best mate are such good friends is because I've helped him and he's helped me so we can let the good times roll. You can't take take take and not give. People joke that I'm the volleyball *****, but the fact is, I know they will back me up in bad situations and they know I will do the same for them.

That's not being friendzoned. That's communicating and clearly establishing the terms of your relationship. Being friendzoned is having a crush on a girl/guy while he/she's not recognizing that fact, keeping you around as a 'friend'.

I suppose that's the case, but friendzone is simpler to write. It's a very slight difference anyway.

 

[MisterGobbles]

snip

This exact same situation happened to me a couple weeks ago (not the drinking and ending up in bed with part though). I had been delaying asking out a girl for a long while, at least four months, and when I finally did, she told me she just didn't like me like that. And it was disappointing, but liberating too - knowing the answer to that question you've had for a while. And we still talk all the time. I think it works out better this way. Sometimes, friends can be better to have.

In terms of relationships with people, I don't think you should ever completely "friendzone" someone, as in tell yourself you will never date them because they are only your friend and will stay that way. I think you should keep an open mind, but also exercise caution, because you can get hurt if you don't do it right.

Yeesh, I value my privacy and sleep sometimes. Friendship isn't about being on call 24/7, unless I'm missing out on something. I thought it was about finding another person with common interests to do fun stuff together - not chores.

If you think that friendship is always superficial fun, or that talking to your friends about their problems should be considered a chore, then perhaps you need some better friends. Granted, you can't really be expected to forfeit your sleep schedule for someone, but you should at least be understanding of the request.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

I'm just speaking from the perspective from someone who actually has had a friend girl, in addition to (fingers crossed) a girlfriend. She once told me she wanted someone she could call at all hours of the night when she had insomnia and I straight up told her "I'm not making myself that available to someone who I'm never going to have sex with."

Dang, Bro. That's cold. So what are you going to do when your girlfriend finds out you're only using her for sex?

While I'm the first to admit they are few and far between, there are some girls that are worth having around even without the potential for sexy times.

What? I don't even. No. I'm not "only using her for sex" (and she's not my girlfriend yet). But say for example, my friend girl asks me to help her move, and on the same day, my girlfriend asks me to drive her to the airport. I literally can't do both. Guess who's going to win that contest.

Emphasis on "that" available. I'm available through good times and bad, but I'm not there to be used as a time killer while she's waiting for her boyfriend to call her. It ain't gonna happen. And no, I'm not going to continue to be her constant companion under the notion that eventually maybe she breaks up with her current bf and suddenly finds me attractive for no reason. That's the type of shit "nice guys" hope for and life is too short to be waiting on one's delusions about other people.

Don't get me wrong. I respond to every e-mail and I'd pick up the phone and talk if she called. I'm just not counting on it, nor am I sending e-mails and phone calls her way during every spare moment. That would be creepy and stalker-y coming from a dude to a girl with a boyfriend. It just would be.

 

[Sp3ratus]

here's question for ya all..

is it wrong to friend zone a girl?
one who throw's her body at you (which I took regurally for like 8 months and now I'm kind over it)

There's no such thing as the friendzone, if you aren't interested like that, you aren't interested. There's no point in forcing yourself to like someone, it should come naturally. I'd suggest telling her that you just want to be friends(and that's not the friendzone, that's called just being, you know, friends).

 

[zelda2fanboy]

If you think that friendship is always superficial fun, or that talking to your friends about their problems should be considered a chore, then perhaps you need some better friends. Granted, you can't really be expected to forfeit your sleep schedule for someone, but you should at least be understanding of the request.

Maybe. I'd listen to other people's problems and "be there" for them whatever that entails. In my limited experience with it, I tend to make people feel worse in those situations, so it's possible I'm just not that type of guy. I don't see that as a chore. Doing random ass favors all the time (as friendzone whiners have mentioned in the past) is a chore.

I don't consider it to be a chore to be there if a friend needs me, but different strokes for different folks and all that.
The `I wont make myself available if we aren't gonna have sex` is more what weirded me out than anything else.
Does that mean you're never available to your male friends? (Assuming you are straight)

Never in my life have I ever been asked to accompany a male friend to a doctor's appointment because he was nervous. That's just... girly. You're forgetting he original context and exact wording of that quote: "I wouldn't make myself THAT available" as in accepting calls at three am because she wants to talk about Star Wars. I might take that from a girlfriend, but never a friend girl and never a male friend. In fact, if I did that to any of my male friends that I've had throughout my life, they'd probably tell me to fuck off. (And keep in mind, I told her that upfront and she was still interested in meeting me.)

As of right now I don't actually have many male friends due to their being busy and/or just being annoying. It just doesn't bother me because... they're dudes. I can take or leave them, kind of like with everybody. If they're available and I'm available, then yeah, fun times are had by all. If not, I'm not all emo about it. And if I get girlfriend time, fuck hanging out with friends. I also wouldn't have the slightest problem if they felt the same way.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

Well, if he honestly wouldn't ever be happy not being 'more than just friends' with this girl, and so decided to distance himself a bit in order to get on with his life without his feelings for her being as much of an issue, then that's perfectly fine, because that's honesty. It wouldn't make him a bad person at all.

What isn't fine is the manipulative and dishonest attitude some people have after being 'friend-zoned' or whatever, where they accept this position because they think that if the play at being the 'nice guy friend' for long enough they might finally gain entry into the furry gates (usually through a chance combination of the girls emotional insecurity and alcohol), and thus trap the girl in a relationship that she knows in her heart of hearts that she doesn't want, but that she can't end because she can't bring herself to break up with 'that nice guy who was always there for her'. In the meantime though, they're content to be all supportive to her face, while secretly bitching about everything she does that doesn't involve screwing him. That's what a bad person does.

This. This is why I feel boundaries are important here, even in cases where it isn't a friendzone situation. If I get all platonically clingy to a guy, that relationship's days are numbered. Same way with a girl, only with the added danger of sex and permanently hurt feelings thrown into the mix.

 

[MacLeRoy]

Oh wow, a relationship/dating thread where the topic is actually interesting and not about people discussing redundant crap... Didn't see that coming.

Well, there was this relationship I was in. It was going surprisingly smoothly, then the shit hit the fan and there I learned from good old hard knocks about being a good boyfriend and that it is about being supportive and being there for your girlfriend when things are pretty bad. Unfortunately the lesson was that I was not in any shape way or form ready to be a good boyfriend so I jumped ship before I caused anymore emotional damage from neglect.

Seeing this side of me that I NEVER thought I had. (Once upon a time I was one of those, "When I get a girlfriend I'm going to treat her like the queen/princess/royalty that she deserves to be! Not like those jerks who get all the girls.) Turns out I wasn't any better than those "jerks with the girls" who I envied. So with this realization I decided not to pursue dating until I further understood myself. As a result, I 'found myself' and have more confidence plus I understand more what I'm looking for in a relationship as well as what I am willing to contribute to the relationship. So when I run into someone I am interested in having a relationship I will be a 'better me' so to speak. Not to mention the new laid back approach I have to dating takes away SOOO much pressure.

(Though people are asking whether I have a girlfriend and I think are starting to suspect I'm gay... well guess you cant win them all)

Abridged Version: Thought since I was a nice guy, thought I would be an awesome boyfriend. Turned out I was dead wrong and decided to find myself now I'm way cooler dude.

 

[MacLeRoy]

Good for you dude.

Having a freind you can trust and get close too is probably one of the most valuable things ever.

(I wish I had more friends around me that were close to that level. Most people I am friendly with are more aquantances than anything really... )

MAKE THE AQUANTANCES THAT YOU LIKE THE MOST YOUR FRIENDS!!! I did that and it was AWESOME! Turns out (most) people like having friends and can be cool.

 

[MacLeRoy]

You mean to tell me... that somebody... on the internet... got turned down by a girl... and is acting like a mature human being about it?

What the fuck is this place and how did I get here?!

OK, on a more serious note. Well done. You had both the courage to open up about how you really felt, as well as the maturity to not act like a douche about her not feeling the same way. You are officially a grown-up, which is more than a lot of people can say.

I -fucking- know right?

 

[Mr. GameBrain]

Good for you dude.

Having a freind you can trust and get close too is probably one of the most valuable things ever.

(I wish I had more friends around me that were close to that level. Most people I am friendly with are more aquantances than anything really... )

MAKE THE AQUANTANCES THAT YOU LIKE THE MOST YOUR FRIENDS!!! I did that and it was AWESOME! Turns out (most) people like having friends and can be cool.

¬_¬

You can't just force friendship you know.

Well, anyway the people I was friendly with at Uni for instance, were going their seperate ways, so to speak, so one just couldn't casually meet up and bond properly.
(I commuted and wasn't local, so I couldn't really get around and do the stuff they could, so you know, just kind of stayed friends in that sort of "arms length" kinda way, and I didn't want to spoil that with being too forward and being a hindrance to people)

So sometimes you just have to let it go.

I always make time for my close friends though. I may not have many, but the ones I do I always talk to in some capacity. (I mean my best friend is about an hour away on bus, so its not like either of us can just pop over, but on days off, we go to each other's house and hang out, talk, and play a lot of games, watch vids ect. Just fun you know. And while I would like more friends like that, I haven't really met anyone of any gender where that sort of friendship has developed (but with me going out a little more, to stuff like Magic meetups. Who knows, I might find someone cool there, maybe even meet up with some old friends! XD))

EDIT: (Though nobody is ever going to be as close as my best friend. We've been friends since the secondary school induction, and nothing is ever going to stop us being best buds. Not Uni, not work, not even family. Heh. If we weren't both cursed with being pretty darn straight, we'd totally be gay for each other! XD)

 

[BeeGeenie]

I'm just speaking from the perspective from someone who actually has had a friend girl, in addition to (fingers crossed) a girlfriend. She once told me she wanted someone she could call at all hours of the night when she had insomnia and I straight up told her "I'm not making myself that available to someone who I'm never going to have sex with."

Dang, Bro. That's cold. So what are you going to do when your girlfriend finds out you're only using her for sex?

While I'm the first to admit they are few and far between, there are some girls that are worth having around even without the potential for sexy times.

What? I don't even. No. I'm not "only using her for sex" (and she's not my girlfriend yet). But say for example, my friend girl asks me to help her move, and on the same day, my girlfriend asks me to drive her to the airport. I literally can't do both. Guess who's going to win that contest.

Emphasis on "that" available. I'm available through good times and bad, but I'm not there to be used as a time killer while she's waiting for her boyfriend to call her. It ain't gonna happen. And no, I'm not going to continue to be her constant companion under the notion that eventually maybe she breaks up with her current bf and suddenly finds me attractive for no reason. That's the type of shit "nice guys" hope for and life is too short to be waiting on one's delusions about other people.

Don't get me wrong. I respond to every e-mail and I'd pick up the phone and talk if she called. I'm just not counting on it, nor am I sending e-mails and phone calls her way during every spare moment. That would be creepy and stalker-y coming from a dude to a girl with a boyfriend. It just would be.

Ok, I can see where you're coming from. One must have one's priorities... and to be fair, if some girl wants to call or text me at 3 in the morning, she'd better have a really good reason.