So, my girlfriend is in porn and I don't know what to do.

klaynexas3

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Dec 30, 2009
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Get caught masturbating to the video. Then you'll both be in an awkward situation, and it's hard to be offended by someone with their pants at their ankles.

OT: If she knows you watch porn, and is cool with it, then I think bringing it up wouldn't offend her much. If it isn't her, then it's no real problem. If it is her, it's still no big problem, but make sure she gets tested. And you too, if you've slept with her just yet. Or go with the one on the top, it'd make for an interesting conversation starter.
 

Evil Smurf

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Nov 11, 2011
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klaynexas3 said:
Get caught masturbating to the video. Then you'll both be in an awkward situation, and it's hard to be offended by someone with their pants at their ankles.
That sounds like an opening scene in porn movie to me
 

Charli

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Nov 23, 2008
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The first response gave you the best answer. Stop talking to us and talk to her about it. Explain how you feel about it.

I know this is a hurdle that seems insurmountable but it really is the best medication.

People ARE reasonable if you approach them as such. So... do it?


I honestly can't tell you how the conversation will go, I don't know either of you, the Escapist doesn't know both of you, so this is a situation that needs to be resolved between the two of you.
 

Pharsalus

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Make lemonade, ask her about it. If it was her say it got you real hot, point at some particularly attractive bit and get a little.
 

klaynexas3

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Dec 30, 2009
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Evil Smurf said:
klaynexas3 said:
Get caught masturbating to the video. Then you'll both be in an awkward situation, and it's hard to be offended by someone with their pants at their ankles.
That sounds like an opening scene in porn movie to me
And what better way to start the topic? I can't think of any.
Then again, there might be a better way to bring it up. Captchas is telling me to think hard, so maybe it's a sign.
 

LetalisK

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Panzer_God said:
So, there's this girl at school that I've been casually dating for a while now, and it started getting serious about a week ago. Yesterday I saw a banner ad on a website that linked to several pornographic videos. What caught my attention was an eerie feeling that I recognized one of the girls, so I clicked on the link. I'm 98% sure it's her, but I don't know if I want to bring it up or not.

I don't have a problem with it, if she is, but I'm afraid of what impact it would have on us as a couple this early in the relationship, and even more afraid of what would happen if I ask and it wasn't her. What would you do in this situation?

EDIT: I am an American, in University and the girl in question is 21.
So you don't have a problem with it? Then don't make a problem out of it. Anyone who is telling you to bring it up is setting you up for failure as there really is no up-side to bringing this up with her and only a possible down-side. If for some reason she does want to talk about it with you, let her bring it up on her terms. Don't ask her about it, don't bring it up, keep going on with your life and relationship. Chances are you two will break up anyway down the road, so just enjoy the relationship while it lasts.
 

zelda2fanboy

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Evil Smurf said:
the naked truth!
With boobs!

klaynexas3 said:
OT: If she knows you watch porn, and is cool with it, then I think bringing it up wouldn't offend her much. If it isn't her, then it's no real problem. If it is her, it's still no big problem, but make sure she gets tested. And you too, if you've slept with her just yet. Or go with the one on the top, it'd make for an interesting conversation starter.
If this is a girl that would get offended at the idea of you looking at porn, then you shouldn't even bother dating her.
 

Evil Smurf

Admin of Catoholics Anonymous
Nov 11, 2011
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klaynexas3 said:
Evil Smurf said:
klaynexas3 said:
Get caught masturbating to the video. Then you'll both be in an awkward situation, and it's hard to be offended by someone with their pants at their ankles.
That sounds like an opening scene in porn movie to me
And what better way to start the topic? I can't think of any.
Then again, there might be a better way to bring it up. Captchas is telling me to think hard, so maybe it's a sign.
Film yourself getting caught masturbating to the video and then have the talk. This will lead to sex and then watch the new video back. It will be incredibly meta
 

Terminal Blue

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Panzer_God said:
I've never been in exactly the same situation, but from experience I respect the fact that you're fine with it. I think it takes a lot of strength as a person to commit to being okay with it like you have.

But I'm going to outright disagree with what everyone else has said here. You don't necessarily need to talk to her about it. You only need to do that if it bothers you. If she'd rather you didn't know, you can choose to let her keep it a secret.

The chances are that (if it is her) she's probably not planning to do it for the rest of her life, and it may be she just wants to do it and move on while carrying as little baggage as possible with her. If you not knowing makes her happier, then it's not necessary to intrude on that purely for the sake of "honesty".

You know you know (or at least are pretty sure), any steps you take beyond that are purely your choice.

If you do want to talk to her about it, though, then you should be completely honest about why you're asking, and don't frame it as an accusation. Make it clear from the outset that you've decided you're okay with it no matter what, so there's no horrible tense moment where you're testing her reaction and she has to wager whether to tell you. It doesn't have to be a big deal, don't play it up or make it dramatic.

On a longer-term level, establish very clear boundaries. Don't watch any of her videos without her consent, don't ask her to tell you about everything she does. Explain exactly the limits of what you would be comfortable with and let her make up her own mind about what to tell you. I know this might sound counter-intuitive, but trust me. As long as you know that stuff might happen, you don't need to know everything.

Also, there's a symptom which sometimes affects stressed or overtaxed sex industry workers whereby they become dissociated from intimacy in general. It's important that you maintain a personal relationship which is as separate as possible from what she does in porn. It's emotionally dangerous to have the two worlds overlap too much, because porn is really not sexy for the people who work in it, and you don't want your relationship to be reduced to that level.
 

Panzer_God

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Evil Smurf said:
klaynexas3 said:
Evil Smurf said:
klaynexas3 said:
Get caught masturbating to the video. Then you'll both be in an awkward situation, and it's hard to be offended by someone with their pants at their ankles.
That sounds like an opening scene in porn movie to me
And what better way to start the topic? I can't think of any.
Then again, there might be a better way to bring it up. Captchas is telling me to think hard, so maybe it's a sign.
Film yourself getting caught masturbating to the video and then have the talk. This will lead to sex and then watch the new video back. It will be incredibly meta
Having sex to a video of having sex to a video of getting caught masturbating to a video of her having sex? That's a lot of meta right there.

Pharsalus said:
Make lemonade, ask her about it. If it was her say it got you real hot, point at some particularly attractive bit and get a little.
The point of the lemonade is?

Evil Smurf said:
zelda2fanboy said:
Did he ask her yet? This thread shall not die until we know The Truth!
the naked truth!
I did not ask her, for I am coward.
 

Panzer_God

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evilthecat said:
Panzer_God said:
I've never been in exactly the same situation, but from experience I respect the fact that you're fine with it. I think it takes a lot of strength as a person to commit to being okay with it like you have.

But I'm going to outright disagree with what everyone else has said here. You don't necessarily need to talk to her about it. You only need to do that if it bothers you. If she'd rather you didn't know, you can choose to let her keep it a secret.

The chances are that (if it is her) she's probably not planning to do it for the rest of her life, and it may be she just wants to do it and move on while carrying as little baggage as possible with her. If you not knowing makes her happier, then it's not necessary to intrude on that purely for the sake of "honesty".

You know you know (or at least are pretty sure), any steps you take beyond that are purely your choice.

If you do want to talk to her about it, though, then you should be completely honest about why you're asking, and don't frame it as an accusation. Make it clear from the outset that you've decided you're okay with it no matter what, so there's no horrible tense moment where you're testing her reaction and she has to wager whether to tell you. It doesn't have to be a big deal, don't play it up or make it dramatic.

On a longer-term level, establish very clear boundaries. Don't watch any of her videos without her consent, don't ask her to tell you about everything she does. Explain exactly the limits of what you would be comfortable with and let her make up her own mind about what to tell you. I know this might sound counter-intuitive, but trust me. As long as you know that stuff might happen, you don't need to know everything.

Also, there's a symptom which sometimes affects stressed or overtaxed sex industry workers whereby they become dissociated from intimacy in general. It's important that you maintain a personal relationship which is as separate as possible from what she does in porn. It's emotionally dangerous to have the two worlds overlap too much, because porn is really not sexy for the people who work in it, and you don't want your relationship to be reduced to that level.
That's a surprisingly well-thought out idea, and probably the one I'm most likely to heed. I'm actually getting a lot more honest answers than I expected. I thought I'd get more "HURRDURR PORNSTAR" answers.
 

Panzer_God

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Apr 29, 2009
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Why always with the links? I'm pretty sure she'd kill me and I like life a little bit too much.
 

Pharsalus

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Panzer_God said:
Evil Smurf said:
Pharsalus said:
Make lemonade, ask her about it. If it was her say it got you real hot, point at some particularly attractive bit and get a little.
The point of the lemonade is?
Making the best of a bad situation, i.e. "god gives you lemons so you make lemonade", you've really never heard that expression? Not saying that to be a dick but out of genuine surprise.
 

Kpt._Rob

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Apr 22, 2009
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Nothing. That is the only thing you should do... is nothing As I see it, there are a couple of ways this could work out. The first, as you no doubt realize, is that it's not her, and that you've simultaneously admitted to viewing porn and accused her of being a porn star. That is probably your worst case scenario. Although if she's very good humored, not too judgmental, and fairly forgiving, it might not be the end of the world.

But let's say that it was her, there are two ways it could go. One, it could be a painful memory from her past, one which she hadn't hoped to share at that point in your relationship. We all have those things, things we know we'll have to be honest about sometime, but don't want to talk about too soon. If this is the case, there is almost no way that she will be happy with your having brought it up.

A final possibility is that you get it out there in the open, have some real talk, and come closer as a result. But, my guess is that if she's the sort of person whose capable of the level of maturity necessary for that conversation, she probably would have told you about it eventually anyways, just in her own time.

So as I see it, there's three seemingly probable outcomes. I can't speak to the specific probability of any of them as well as you yourself can OP, but I can say this. Two of them probably end your relationship, the other outcome doesn't benefit either of you in any way which wouldn't have come about eventually anyways if you'd just been patient. So my advice, do nothing. Let time do what time does best, and be patient until it does.