No, but I've had retarded teachers. Plural.
Y'see, this is really quite convenient because it wasn't long since I left compulsory education.. so I've got a full list in my head that is relatively recent.
Reception(Reception is sort of like the very, very first time in a proper school you'll ever get here in Britain in case there are those who don't have any prior knowledge of the British education system.). Our teacher said that volcanoes were the action of the devil when he is angry, I sat on the floor with my legs crossed dumb struck by ignorance for about 5 seconds before standing up and saying "Actually, it's a result due to reactions that are transpiring at the core of the Earth that causes lava to be forced through mountains known as 'volcanoes'." Those are the exact words, I shit you not when I say my teacher was sitting on her chair for about 10 seconds looking absolutely stunned.
Even more interesting, whilst the description I gave at the age of 5 wasn't entirely perfect and accurate, said teacher still believes that it is due to supernatural forces - namely Satan. Not even joking on that one.
Year 1, straight after. Some jock (or year 1 equivalent) decided smacking me on the arm was a wise idea for some reason. I decided that smacking him in the face was a justified retaliation. I was left with a massive bruise on my arm and because I decided it'd be best to hit him lightly he didn't ever have a mark.
The teacher decided I was in the wrong.
Year 2 we had a teacher who was by all accounts a ***** of epic proportion. She demanded that we get changed from full school uniform to PE kit in (Not exaggerating at all) 15 seconds - not counting slowly, 15 seconds. If not? We had to stay for an hour after school.
This was year 2, so I would've been about 6 or 7 I think. Yeah.
Year 3 we had a teacher who broke her leg. Apparently it was minor so she would only be gone for a month at most. Seems like a legitimate reason for time off doesn't it?
When she's gone for another 7 months and they keep abusing that excuse, kids - even if they are only 7-8 - do tend to figure out that something is amiss. When she finally got back you can guess that we weren't too happy to see her.
Year 4.. I can't remember. At all. Not a single thing.
Year 5 we had a quite good teacher actually.
Year 6. Oh my. Oh, too many for me to list. We had the most uptight bastard I've ever come into contact with. Not dumb, oh no, just one hell of a bastard. I did have a supply teacher that very year that broke the stupid barrier and went into the very realm of stupidity. So, I turn to listen to her talking and whilst I do that this nut case child (I emphasise, nut case) writes his name in the biggest fucking print possible all over my book. Evidently his handwriting. I call the teacher over and tell her, the nut case tells her I did it.
So she believes him.
That's right *****, I wrote his name on my book in his handwriting so I could call you over and say that some nut case kid (everyone knew he was a nut case as well, and I was the renowned walking dictionary and answer booklet. Came out with the highest marks out of my whole year. Pride.) wrote his name on my book. Well done lady, you're a fucking mongoloid.
Also had this 'reading teacher' who was under the strange influence that I couldn't read. She kept telling me to get 'red sticker' books, which were virtually one word per page (I'm sort of hazy on the colours that indicate reading difficulty they put on kids learning books, so I may be wrong about the colour). This was in year 6 so I would've been 10-11 if I remember correctly.
Let's put that in perspective, I was reading fluently at the age of 7 and I had to correct this cow on the pronunciation of telephone.
Onto secondary school now.
In year 7 I had this RE teacher who was as sweet as honey, sweetest teacher I've ever known. I've even got her on Facebook now and chat regularly. She wasn't smart at all though, especially when you have to tell her that the leader of the protestants isn't the pope.
Year 7/9 we had an English teacher who I'll refer to as Ms B. Ms B thought it'd be a wise fucking idea to give me a reading diary. She was well aware that I could read fluently and had a vocabulary that rivalled her own yet she insisted on giving me it. I'll cut her some slack because there were some dumb bastards even in my class (top set) who couldn't even read fluently and I suppose if she gave way to exceptions that would cause complaints.
She did however complain at me for writing in my reading diary with a red pen because it was the colour of the devil. Made it all the more funnier when a sign in her room saying "Jesus loves me" was defaced when someone wrote "But no one else does" below it.
She got fired about 3 months back for throwing a dictionary at a child with ADHD. He was an ass though.
Year 9-11 we had a geography teacher who - despite getting us good results (I hope, getting them soon) - was not a smart cookie. She only knew what to teach to get the grades, outside of that she was an absolute clown, there are plenty of examples I could give you but that'd be a whole new post on its own.
Finally, a Turkish supply teacher. She didn't know the rules, had no manners and didn't even bother to read the cover work.
Tells my friend to take his ring off, so he does as she says. He checks the rules, goes into the next lesson wearing it and she tells him to take it off yet again to which my friend replies with "No, look at the rules" before showing her them. She went silent, gave him a cold stare and carried on.
Same lesson she was left with a note from our actual teacher saying "Group discussion, blablabla bla..". She said we had to work in silence. We argued that that it's hard to have a discussion in silence. Apparently we had to argue with ourselves. In our books.
There are a few more I could name, but I'm burdened with fatigue and I'm all out of Kenco coffee sachets and I believe that my spelling and grammar is beginning to slip.
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