Given my age, I have literally grown up with video games, as in when they were young, so was I. I got my first Nintendo for Christmas the year it came out when I was three years old. Over the years, I have learned many important lessons from games. I've decided to bring these nuggets of wisdom to you wonderful readers:
So there you go. Now you can benefit from someone who has grown up with the world of videogames. Feel free to contribute to this list and I may create some sort of compendium at some point.
[strong]EDIT: If you contribute, try not to make game-specific ones that only apply to playing a game, these are life-rules afterall![/strong]
- 1. As you grow older, the food you eat will decrease in nutritional effectiveness; better, more effective food will end up costing you the amount of a small house.
[sub]This is a great explanation for the epidemic of obesity in gamers, they honestly think the older they get the more food they have to eat.[/sub]
2. If someone does something you slightly disapprove of, the appropriate response is to insult their race, religion, sexuality, family lineage, physical/mental disabilities and appearance, then send them a friend request.
[sub]I keep hearing that "no one uses their headset anymore," however, there is still tons of verbal abuse on multiplayer games, so if that's the case, then Microsoft/Sony/Valve just have switched to prerecorded loops of slanderous hate-speech. When they said "Online Experience May Vary" in the EULA; they were lying, it's pretty much the same all the time.[/sub]
3. Animals have gastrointestinal systems that can compress nutrients into solid gold and various useful items.
[sub]People who have jobs are dumb, it's way easier to get a new LCD television by removing it from the dead carcass of an elephant at your local zoo. If you don't find one on the first try, keep trying; if you run out of elephants, just leave the zoo and come back.[/sub]
4. After you live your life to completion, if you were good enough, did everything the right way, collected enough material possessions and reached your personal goals, during our next life, you get different clothes.
[sub]... and quite possibly a rocket launcher.[/sub]
5. Eating jewelry is the most effective way of overcoming injury and sickness, in certain situations, it can also grant you knowledge and various powers based on the color of jewel.
[sub]Referencing lesson #1, the cost of said jewelry is in proportion to the effectiveness of what it does to you, and is only slightly more expensive than food.[/sub]
6. If someone is standing in front of or nearby a door you need to go through, the logical thing to do is punch/kick/shoot them before they notice your presence.
[sub]I don't care how old or nice he seems, he's impeding your progress; you must take him out.[/sub]
7. The fancier a man is dressed, the harder he will be to beat up. If he is dressed in a suit, he will be incredibly difficult and agile; if he also wearing sunglasses, be on the lookout for his equivalently dressed friends.
[sub]Conversely, bums are super easy to beat up.[/sub]
8. Vehicles have an infinite amount of gasoline unless they are supposed to run out of gas at a very specific place and time. If you can avoid that event, you should be able to drive for an endless amount of time.
[sub]Want to end the world's dependence on oil for energy? Just never go where you're supposed to.[/sub]
9a. (Boy Version) If the main woman in your life speaks with a British accent, she's more important and capable than you; if she speaks in a high-pitched American accent, you're going to have to save her at some point; if she speaks any other accent, she's inconsequential and merely there for color/comic relief.
9b. (Girl Version) If you speak in a British accent, you're a dead-shot and extremely flexible; if you have a high-pitched voice, someone will kidnap you at some point; if your best friend has comically larger breasts than you, don't worry, you're the main character. If a guy in your life has a British accent, he's either evil or trying to sleep with you (or both); either way however, he's hot and rich.
[sub]These rules are negated if you're Japanese. In that case, for women, the higher your voice, the more good you are, the lower the voice, the more evil. For men, the higher your voice, the stupider you are, the lower the voice, the better you are with a sword/gun.[/sub]
10. If you can lift a sword that is taller than you with little to no effort, you will one day save the world. Consequently, you need a ridiculous haircut/color in order to do so, and you must dress in one dominant color. The cooler said color is (as in blue) the nicer/more naive you are; the warmer the color (as in red) the more of an asshole you are.
[sub]If a giant sword isn't your weapon of choice, chances are you're going to try and help someone else save the world. Rules of color clothing in that case do not apply.[/sub]
11. Food never spoils. Your digestive system can handle as much food as you can find... Eat any and everything find lying around.
[sub]Consequently, the ground is completely sanitary, so if you find food on the ground, or the person you just beat up has it pop out of his or her pocket onto the ground, five-second rule be damned, leave and come back when you're hungry... it'll be fine.[/sub]
12. The sun does not go down until you are ready to sleep. Days can last 40 hours or 15 minutes depending on the events in your life; conversely, sleep is usually completely optional, but important events in your life won't happen until you do it. [sub]Afraid of your girlfriend breaking up with you or losing your job? Just never go to bed, nothing important will happen until you wake up.[/sub]
13. Sleeping is a great way to heal all possible ailments, wounds, diseases and injuries. In some cases, it's also a great way to learn new skills and get better at your existing ones.
[sub]Silly us, researching the cure for cancer all this time; all they need is a good nights rest. Also, who needs college? Just learn the basics and sleep on it![/sub]
14. Police will either pursue on sight regardless of any crime committed, or will ignore you entirely for any crime less then murder performed directly in front of them (unless you happen to so much as breathe in the direction of their cop car).
[sub]If they are guarding something, feel free to do whatever you want in their vicinity, they have priorities.[/sub]
15. Most police chases are to the death, unless they happen to touch you before their bullets turn you into a corpse, that will result in an arrest. In that case just pay a small amount of the money you stole (that they let you keep post-arrest for some reason) and they'll let you go after taking any weapons in your possession. They will let you keep the remainder of the money you stole.
[sub]Sentencing is a myth. Parole is non-existent. All crimes can be redeemed in the eyes of the judicial system by cash, the trick is to just steal more than they want for the fine.[/sub]
16. Police forces have unlimited funding, equipment, and staff; but if you can stay out of their view for just a little bit, they can't be bothered to keep searching.
[sub]Despite having nearly unlimited resources, cops have horrible memories and even shorter attention spans.[/sub]
17. The operation of any vehicle, aircraft or maritime vessel, regardless of complexity or origin, is obvious and easily learned by anyone who enters the driver's seat/cockpit.
[sub]No joke, if you hop into the drivers seat of a secret military bi-pedal war-mech, you'll find a dual analog gamepad and on-screen tutorials. Easy-peasy.[/sub]
18. Military units are always cumbersome blunt forces with no precision and are completely expendable; Special Forces units are always invincible... unless searching in a forest or jungle.
[sub]Moral of the story, if you're part of the military, join the Special Forces unit; if you're part of the Special Forces unit, on the day of the mission that drops your unit into the middle of a forest or jungle to search for something, call in sick.[/sub]
19. Even if you've been shot repeatedly, endured repeated explosions, been set on fire, been beaten by punches, kicks and various blunt objects, been cut, clawed at, stabbed and slashed, a single unexpected blow to the back of the head or neck will always render you helpless and unconscious.
[sub]This rule applies even when protected by helmets and full body armor.[/sub]
20. Physical protection is inversely proportional for men and women. As a man, the more clothing/armor you wear the more protected you are; as a woman, the opposite is true.
[sub]Also, the amount of armor, gender-ly speaking, is directly related to your sexuality. The more armor you wear as a woman, the more likely you are into other women; for men, the man with the least armor will always be the most effeminate.[/sub]
21. All ancient civilizations were expert stone carvers, and capable of creating intricate stone machines. These machines can function for decades and will work the first time you activate them flawlessly regardless of time between activations. If for some reason they are inoperable, they are never truly broken, just missing pieces. Said pieces will always be located symmetrically nearby.
[sub]Archeologists have been advocating the use of stone in modern machinery as it never degrades and will always work excellently despite centuries of inactivity.[/sub]
22. If you and your nemesis are starting at the same location at the same time and you leave with a one-day head start and travel for three days through forests, mountains, military complexes, volcanoes, oceans and cities in the most direct route possible without rest, as fast as humanly possible; how long will it take your nemesis to reach you at your final destination? Answer: He will already be there when you arrive and seem as though he's been there waiting for you for weeks.
[sub]Who knew that evil was the fastest form of travel?[/sub]
23. Lava will stay molten indefinitely. Ice will stay frozen indefinitely. This rule remains true even when the two are in direct contact with each other unless the ice is floating on the lava.
[sub]On that note, nothing natural ever grows or dies. Results of environmental catastrophes are permanent unless you kill the person/entity that caused it, in which case it is instantly fixed.[/sub]
24. If it is not nailed down it belongs to you. If someone has a problem with that, either kill them or leave for a while and come back, they'll forget.
[sub]Often times, people won't have a problem with you taking their things, usually they will also tell you about their problems if asked while you're robbing them. Strangely enough, you robbing them is rarely the problem.[/sub]
25. Chairs cannot be moved, but will splinter into nothingness when struck. Tables are stronger than the armor of a tank.
[sub]Don't be surprised when you start seeing military tanks with tables duct taped to them, those tables can stop rocket launchers.[/sub]
26. Anything you happen to pick up over the course of a day can be sold to any store you visit.
[sub]The person who realized this rule to be true went on to found eBay.[/sub]
27. Anytime electronic communications cease; either you're hung up on, the call drops, the radio/walkie-talkie breaks up and goes silent, your battery dies, etc.; this always means something horrible has happened.
[sub]If you're in space, it's because of aliens.[/sub]
28. If someone you know is mute, make sure you stay on their good side, they will likely have to save the world someday. Inversely, if someone you know talks in long monologues about what's important to them and appears to not look at you while doing so, you may have to kill them one day.
[sub]By this rule, all teachers will one day attempt to take over/destroy the world.[/sub]
29. Entrances to buildings capable of distorting the reality of space. The outside of buildings are never proportional to the inside and the less sense the hallway/corridor structure is, the more important the building. Also, the louder and more frantic the music you hear when inside a building, the more likely that said building will momentarily be destroyed unless the building is a club or a bar; in that case, the louder the music, the more likely a fight will break out.
[sub]In some cases, the more pleasant, soft and happy the music is, the more likely that building will be invaded by zombies.[/sub]
30. The best way to pick something up is to walk over it.
[sub]I've been cleaning my room the wrong way this whole time.[/sub]
31. Want to tell if someone is really your friend? Shoot them in the head, if they get knocked back a little and say something funny, you're friends. Otherwise, loot their corpse.
[sub]However, if they're wearing the same color and uniform as you, most likely they are your friend, but they will shoot you back.[/sub]
32. Once you have arrived in a new city, it is customary to interrogate every citizen present. Also customary, is their requirement to dump all of their problems on you upon first contact.
[sub]Also customary is your ability to completely ignore anyone's issues unless they can provide you with something you want or need; or to help them get laid.[/sub]
33. If you see something begin to phase in and out of existence (as in blinking), pick it up immediately or else it will disappear forever. This does not apply if you are the one blinking; that simply means that you were most likely just punched or shot.
[sub]Don't worry though, the important things in your life will never blink into nothingness, though you may not be able to leave the room you're in until you pick them up.[/sub]
So there you go. Now you can benefit from someone who has grown up with the world of videogames. Feel free to contribute to this list and I may create some sort of compendium at some point.
[strong]EDIT: If you contribute, try not to make game-specific ones that only apply to playing a game, these are life-rules afterall![/strong]
- Contributors
SavingPrincess
xbeaker
Phenakist
carpenter20m
Farfelkugeln
Ironic Pirate
Mr. In-between
