The 2 worst things about having OCD (well, at least for me)

Relish in Chaos

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Aside from the obvious, I think a little background information about me is necessary in relation to addressing the title of this thread. I'm 19 years old (on Monday, that is), and I love watching TV thrillers, films, and anime. It is one of the few things in my life that give me genuine joy and pleasure, and I have memories of just sitting there watching episode after episode without boredom and just getting myself lost in the world of these characters. I know I'm not unique in this regard, but I just want to say how much entertainment media means to me, and that I probably wouldn't have much to smile or laugh about without it.

That's why I say two of the worst things about obsessive-compulsive disorder for me are 1) that I've been feeling for the last couple of years that I have to be in the right frame of mind and mood, at the right time, in the right place, to watch a certain film or TV series online (the "online" part being important, since there are a lot more distractions that I seem to be more susceptible to due to my easiness to fall into "compulsion traps" and, likely, a lot of my generation's low attention span thanks to computer addiction). But, a great deal of the time, it seems as if this kind of annoyingly specific criteria is almost impossible to attain, which leads to much procrastination and also frustration as my friends talk so much about their enjoyment of such acclaimed series as Orange is the New Black and Homeland, so I just forgo it altogether.

Free time isn't even the problem for me; in the summer, with no work to do nor anywhere to go on holiday (finances and my mother and sister's comparative lack of free time being the problem - we couldn't go on holiday until a week last October, to Germany, during my school's half-term), and I had planned for myself to while my days away watching the entire series of Breaking Bad, upon my sister's recommendation. Yet, despite having made a point of doing so, each day went past without me watching a single episode, constantly procrastinating over doing something which should've given me so much fun and contentment with practically no effort required. But my brain wouldn't let that. It needed me to be hassled. It said, "You won't be able to concentrate; you might as well just try and kill the time doing the other unimportant stuff you HAVE to, for some inexplicable reason. It's futile to try and relax and enjoy your life. You don't deserve that, and I won't tell you why."

That was how I felt at the time...and kinda how I feel now (otherwise, I wouldn't be telling you it). I still want to watch Kill la Kill, but I just haven't got round to doing it. It's not about priorities either; my entire schedule of things are whacked in terms of priority, because I can't prioritize to save my life. I would quite carelessly watch an entire Game Grumps playthrough on the eve of having a Psychology mock exam, having not done sufficient revision for it - but I would still do it. That's laziness and weakness and disorderliness, which I cannot stand and it's something I criticize others for, yet I cannot follow my own advice. It's rather sickening.

2) I'm always second-guessing myself, no matter how I hard I try not to have a defeatist attitude and look on the bright side of things. But that takes more energy than just simply allowing myself to descend into pessimism and believe that the world is a cruel, unforgiving place that's pitted against me and blah blah blah [insert childish self-centred emo bullshit here]. I hate that I think like that. I don't want to think like that, because it means I won't be able to achieve my dreams. Just like last night, I was out with my friends and my friend - a rather brash lad inexplicably popular with the opposite sex despite his underlying sexism and general asshole-ness - suggested I talk to some girls. I was drunk and wanting to overcome myself instinctively believing that women simply won't respond favourably to me (I don't have that many female friends either - I used to, but we drifted apart, as you do, sometimes). The reason I subconsciously believe this is because, for whatever reason, I haven't had a serious girlfriend ever, while the majority of my friends have since they were at least 14. I try not to care, but I really do.

So, anyway, I tried talking to this girl, awkwardly saying whatever small talk my vodka-addled brain could come up with (stuff like "Are you having a good night?" and "I'm a psychologist"), but it's hard for me to talk to a girl I don't know without being/sounding creepy, and eventually I just asked her for her phone number. She subsequently said "No. Could you go away, please?", and when I slinked off back to my friend group, my asshole friend said, "When you asked for her number, you should've taken out your mobile so she couldn't say no" - some kind of social interaction logic that I couldn't fathom, because I don't see how it'd make a difference. It's not the rejection I give a damn about it - everyone has to deal with that, and I'd be an arrogant fool if I thought I had the entitlement to be accepted by any prospective romantic partner I encountered - but at that moment she said what she said, I just felt like I'd become what I feared: one of those creepy sex predators in the making that are quoted on feminist blogs and sexism hashtags as evidence of their attitude towards women. I don't want to be like those people. I want a girlfriend for the same reasons anyone else wants a girlfriend: love, comfort, contentment, security...being able to just hug someone and it would just feel right and you wouldn't even have to say any words because they'd rely on you and you'd rely on them. Is it because, deep down, I don't let myself truly enjoy the little things and they can smell how un-confident they are off the bat? So I figured I might as well accept my fate as an adult virgin who'll never have a girlfriend and will fail in his career and just wind up committing suicide at 30.

I know life isn't all about fun, and I know I just sound like some whiny teenager with First World problems. But...I can't help but feeling so repressed all the goddamn time. I don't know how to even explain it to myself, let alone other people, because how can someone else understand what you're going through unless they've experienced it themselves. That's how empathy works, isn't it? Sure, I could sympathize for someone who's been tortured in a cell for six months, but unless I actually know what that's like myself, I simply can't legitimately try to comfort them after their ordeal by saying, "I know how you feel". That would be a lie. Sympathy and empathy are different. I wish I could just rewire my brain and think right again, and be like everyone else. Anyone tells you they want or like to be different; they're telling you a fucking lie. Even hipsters just end up looking like other hipsters, which defeats the purpose of what you're trying to present to the world as your "identity". I am identity-less. What's the point of struggling to live through day after day after day after day if you're going to be doing it for the rest of your life towards some far-off and impossible goal of happiness and being the person you want to be...when you can't possibly see it ever happening? Miracles don't exist, and God, who I don't think exists either, shows no mercy. Otherwise, he would to me, because I'm a decent human being with blemishes like everyone else and what more can I do than try to improve myself as a civilized member of society?

Anyway, share with me your thoughts, abuse, advice, whatever.
 

Relish in Chaos

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Baffle said:
So it isn't that you have to make every post twice?

I'm joking of course, because you've double posted a thread.
Oh yeah, I was wondering about that, 'cos I kept on getting a Captcha error. But the double-post seems to be gone now.
 

Lethos

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Fellow obsessive here,

I understand exactly how you feel in regards to number one. I also couldn't bring myself to play games/watch anime when I didn't feel like I was in the right state of mind. I would constantly tell myself that I wouldn't be able to immerse myself or adequately appreciate the plot/characters. My OCD kept getting worse until eventually I developed a habit where if I broke eye contact with my TV when playing a game, I would have to quit the game because I no longer considered myself immersed. Talking about it now, it was absolutely bananas, but at the time I considered a requirement to playing games. I even knew it was bonkers at the time, but OCD is hard to break out of.

I should probably clarify now that I've never been officially diagnosed with OCD. I used to wash my hands until the skin was red and cracking, and I had downright crazy rituals that made doing mundane things much more of a chore than they needed to be. But the idea of being branded as someone with OCD by a professional always made me feel uneasy; like it would then be a defining part of my character. Therefore it's possible I don't have OCD at all, I'm just merely a bit of a weirdo. So take everything I say with a pinch of salt.

One day I read a guy with OCD describing how he got over such problems. I never bothered to check up on the psychology behind the guy's theories, but they worked for me so maybe they'll work for you. This guy suggested that every time you give into that nagging voice in your head, you make it stronger and harder to ignore. You establish a mental link between doing something and listening to that nagging voice, and your habit eventually becomes a ritual. The only way to get that voice to truly shut up, is to just ignore it. I know that's easier said than done, but once you begin to ignore that voice, it gradually gets weaker and weaker. These days I hardly ever give in. Sometimes I feel like it's trying to worm it's way back in to my life, but then I remember how crippling my OCD made doing regular day tasks and I decide to not give in.

I can't really help you with your other problem. I've never suffered social anxiety or had a problem with the ladies. Maybe if you resolve problem one then problem two will become easier.
 

Relish in Chaos

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Perhaps. But yeah, thank you for sharing with me your experiences and for your advice, Lethos. It's made me a feel a bit better. How did ignoring it work for you, though? Because when I try it, it's just a constant feeling of stress that doesn't go away, like a persistent itch that doesn't go away because you're not allowed to scratch it. I literally can't deal with the stress, especially when I'm trying to concentrate on something important like doing a practice exam paper or reading a book. And sometimes, the OCD's become such a ritualistic habit that I occasionally don't know what is or isn't part of my OCD anymore. Is it OCD to not want a pen to be without its lid for too long, for example?

And maybe my "problem with the ladies" is just bad luck. Frankly, I just wish I didn't feel like people were shoving in my face all the time - my friends telling me I need to get laid, the average Joe in a TV drama having sex with a beautiful woman (which is apparently realistic), my own cursed sex drive and yearnings for romantic soothing. It just makes me feel as if I haven't fulfilled my biological imperative, because most people (even the ones you wouldn't expect) eventually settle down and sometimes even marry, and even they don't, they at least lose their "V card" and manage to hold down a partner. Again, I know this sounds like typically stupid teenage concerns (something I hate because I should be over such childish worries at age 19), but...I just can't stop the envy and the worthlessness and the sheer exhaustion.

*sigh* It's just not fucking fair, you know?
 

Lethos

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Ignoring the desire to give into your OCD is REALLY tough. As you say, when you've been doing these ritualistic things for so long it becomes hard to imagine not doing them. I used to have a problem where if I ever touched anything I considered dirty (they weren't), then anything I subsequently touched would also become dirty, and then that thing I touched could also spread the dirt. It caused me to live in an isolated bubble for fear of making myself or my things dirty.

But I can tell you from experience that if you force yourself to get over that initial screaming in your head then it gets easier. I got over it with the indirect help of someone I was in a relationship with at the time. Whenever I felt that desire to give into my obsessive tendencies, I thought about how the imaginary dirt I was worried about didn't exist to her, so should it exist to me? As I gradually got over my need to keep everything 'uncontaminated', the other aspects of my OCD, such as my obsession with immersion during gaming, also went away. The longer I kept it up, the easier it became. I'm not sure if it ever goes away completely, sometimes I find myself sleepwalking back into old habits, but maybe with time and persistence that won't happen.

You might want to consider talking to a professional because I can only offer you my own experience. But I can say that I managed to get my fears under control.

In regards to your other annoyances, my advice is to just chill out. If you really want to meet someone then it's not complicated. Grab some friends, go to a social hub, be confident but not creepy, say hi to strangers. Some will not be interested in even talking, but most people are happy to meet new people. I know it's not great advice, but my own experiences have taught me that you don't need to make these things complicated.
 

Smooth Operator

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I'm not sure how that is related with OCD, you just ran down very basic issues every awkward hormonal teen goes through as they try to figure themselves out. Peer pressure and teen friends with their dumb ass advice don't help any either.
I could at this point tell you to take it slow, be smart and all that, but it sadly won't make much sense until the hormones subside and your emotions stop running wild, which will only slowly happen over the next 5+ years.

Also on the internet everyone is deemed a creep by default, and then we make flame wars out of it to entertain ourselves. Out in the real world however people are perfectly happy to flirt as long as you don't annoy them.
 

Mezahmay

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I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for the moment since you didn't say you were or were not formally diagnosed with OCD. After becoming more aware of mental health and seeing silly people online saying all kinds of things misappropriating mental conditions like the autism spectrum, my perfectionist mindset compels me to call this kind of hyperbole out. More to the point, this doesn't really, umm, sound like OCD issues to me.

It sounds like anxiety or depression since both issues seem to be about lacking motivation and self-defeating thought processes. While the two are not mutually exclusive and OCD is an anxiety-based disorder, OCD has very specific symptoms that don't seem to be present in either case. As someone who has been dealing with depression untreated until fairly recently, those are thought processes I've encountered many times. That's about it. Also, drinking is no way to improve social interaction. It only seems like it. Doesn't help with the anxiety much long term either. I'd consider at least talking to a counselor at some point if you feel these issues or issues like them interfere with your life too much. Talking helps.
 

Relish in Chaos

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Just to rectify some of the points some people have been wondering about, I have been formally diagnosed with OCD, GAD, and clinical depression. I am currently seeing a therapist, who's helped me to cut down on a lot of my anxiety and rein in more of my habits, although I've apparently due to be moved up to the adult service (since CBT has pretty much done all it can for me, while I'm still on medication) because I'm 19 now (I think the limit's 17 or 18; likely the latter). My therapist did say that I should focus less on "oh, this happens because of my OCD" and more "I'm a perfectionist, but this is how I can lower my standards", etc.

Recently, I have been looking at more stuff and I have been trying to not care about my compulsions and even just smile at people that I normally would just walk past without eye contact. Every day's a struggle, of course, but...I guess I'm surviving somehow now. As for the girl thing...meh. It won't be the end of the world if I die a virgin, and if I don't, maybe I'll just stumble into a relationship. I've always found it hard to make close friends, but maybe that'll improve when I go to university and my hormones even out at about 25.

Wow, that's six years. Possibly. I don't know. Fuck. *shrugs*