Agree with the post number 2.
Acquire a good quality camera, a tripod and if possible an additional on site helper.
Also is sounds a lot like your trying to keep your voice down, doesn't act in your favour. This may just be due to a poor quality microphone.
Looks like its made in windows movie maker, as such try to develop a unique style, don't use pre-sets, otherwise it looks like you haven't put a lot of time or effort into it.
So in short, personality thing good, concept is tried and tested, presentation needs a lot of improvement and you need to be more confident.