The Post-High School Ring of Friends

[AnthrSolidSnake]

Ever since I finished high school over a year ago, I've noticed just how much people either didn't give much of a crap about me, or how much life just caught up with them and they became too busy.

I was never a popular person (not that I wanted to be), but from middle school up until early high school I had a pretty large number of friends. I'd talk and hang out with all of them, and had a decent social life. However once late high school rolled around, that list of people I used to like grew very small, very fast.

I had people who I was friends with for years quit talking to me, and eventually ignoring all my interactions for reasons ranging from disagreeing with my opinions, to garbage excuses like "we don't talk much anymore".

It's become quite depressing. Don't misunderstand, I'm very thankful for the small ring of friends I have now, they've quickly become some of the best I've had, but it is a bit disheartening to see people I once cared about just leave, most of the time with no warning or reason.

My problem is that I secretively care too much. I've always cared about people in general, to varying degrees, especially people who shown me kindness in return. It's not that I want to be the center of attention or to be popular among a lot of people, I just like knowing there are people who accept me in general, and that I can get along with.

It does infuriate me when they give a reason like "we don't talk much anymore", as if it's 100% my responsibility to do so, as if they couldn't try to contact me every once and a while. It's lately led me to believe that they really just didn't care in the first place and just wanted an excuse to get rid of me.

I understand life gets in the way, but it just seems like friends want to get rid of me.

It's my understanding that this is fairly normal for something like this to happen after high school or college is over, or am I wrong about that? Admittedly I'm not sure what this thread can offer other than a way for me to vent a little bit.

 

[Timotei]

It's a normal thing. Life speeds up after high school, and one of the first things people end up dropping is their number of friends in order to keep the world from drowning them. Less time hanging out, more time working to get ahead in life.

I had a good number of friends in my last year of high school, yet out of the dozen or so I socialized with, only one remains a close personal friend of mine who hangs out on the weekends, and another remains distant but in contact. It's a bit disappointing, but I think all the better now knowing who are people I'll try to keep in my life from here on.

 

[Dirty Hipsters]

Here's the thing about most of the people you consider friends in high school, you were only friends with each other because you were forced to be in school every day. Most of the people you're friends with in high school aren't really your friends because they enjoy your company so much, but because you're the least shitty person to hang out with in the place you both have to be. Sure, real lasting friendships can definitely be established in high school, but the majority of your high school friendships will fall by the wayside once you're no longer tied together by the fact that you're forced to spend time in the same place every day.

So losing contact with a lot of your high school friends is a perfectly natural thing. They'll eventually be replaced by other people, "work friends," who are also the least shitty people in the place that you have to be every day, and when you change jobs most of them will fall by the wayside as well. Such is the way of the world.

Out of all my friends in high school I only keep in touch with 4 now. I hang out with two of them on a weekly basis, one is going to school in another state, and another is currently working in another country. These are the only people who were real friends to me both during and after high school, and the rest of the people I used to hang out with were really just acquaintances.

 

[Rewdalf]

I'll be honest here.
A lot of my high-school friends weren't really "friends" to begin with. We were just the people who had nobody else to relate to.

I mean, one such group went off and dedicated their lives to smoking weed and being useless.
On a complete opposite note, two others got serious jobs and are in committed relationships.

Me? I made all-new friends in College, and they are literally the exact people I wanted to be my friends in high school.
No joke, the people I've met my past two years in college are some of the best friends I could have hoped for.

When the times start changing, change with them. It's refreshing to have friends who like you for who you are, instead of hanging out just because you're the metaphorical last pick.

 

[Voulan]

It's definitely a normal thing to lose friends once school is over. I only had a small group of friends, and luckily we're all stil very good friends, even of we don't interact nearly as much as we used to because of work/university commitments. We're also spread out over the country doing our various pursuits, so it's no real surprise - however we always make a big deal when we get the chance to all get together.

Look at it this way - it's best to have only a few very close friends than lots of acquaintances. If they're not bothering to make the effort when you do, they're not good people to have around you. Put double the effort into the friends that have stuck with you to show them you really appreciate their attention. It's worth more than chasing after the other guys.

 

[AnthrSolidSnake]

Yeah, you're all making sense. To be honest, it's late and my mind was keeping me up. In reality, I knew this, but I didn't want to accept it. It just feels wrong to have put effort into relationships that just disappear. Even in high school they just ended. But you're right. I know I've got great friends now. It's probably best to focus on appreciating them like Voulan said.

 

[Tom_green_day]

If all parties can understand that interaction time will be reduced, I think it's fine. I'm just as close with my friends from school as I was then, if not closer (due to the times I see them being lessened).
It's no good assuming you'll be just as close as you were though.

 

[The Harkinator]

Times and people change. Sadly there are many 'friendships of convenience' in school where you are friends because of proximity. Even sadder are the former friends who ditch you for the new group they want to dive into. It just leaves you standing there wondering if all those years you were friends actually meant anything because they seemed to drop it so easily.

Of course some people here are saying the friends you make when you're older are often better and I think there's a lot of truth to that. More mature people are better at deciding if they actually want to be friends with someone and work more to keep friendships going. The people who ditched you after years aren't worth your time.

Still, to quote Stand By Me: "I never had friends like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, who does?"

 

[Danny Ocean]

It's my understanding that this is fairly normal for something like this to happen after high school or college is over, or am I wrong about that? Admittedly I'm not sure what this thread can offer other than a way for me to vent a little bit.

Now you realise why "Socialising" is a verb rather than a state of being.

And why all those friendship commitments you made when in school were really empty, because being friends with people you spend 8 hours a day with while doing fun things is really easy.

Keeping friends outside of the school bubble takes actual, thought-out, planned work.

You need to sit down and decide who you want to see and where/when/what you'll be doing, and because there's only so many hours in the day you'll necessarily shed a few. Especially as your workload goes up. If you're a determined socialite, you might even keep a little record of who you've seen and when, so that you make sure no single person goes more than X amount of time without seeing you.

However, what you'll also find is that there will be people who you won't speak to for months on end, even years. But you'll be able to ring them up, ask them out, and it'll all be like you've never left. Or they might even ring you.

Those are your real friends.

 

[L. Declis]

Yeah, I had about 12 friends in High School.

I am only in contact with one of them. And we meet up... maybe three times a year? And when I move to China, this number will decrease to a maximum of two, and most likely we'll just stop meeting and she'll end up on my Christmas card list.

The rest went off to work, some went to a college, some just... disappeared somewhere.

Same with university. I've met and had acquaintances with about ~50 people. When I leave, I will have contact with about 5 of them, but probably talk to only one of them. And she's my girlfriend.

And the ~40 or so Chinese people that seriously wanted to be my friend in China; I keep regular contact with 1.

So I'd say, assuming I've met 100 potential friends in my life, I've got about 4 people who I would class as "friends to the end". Which is a 4% rate of keeping them. If I factor in people I liked enough to find on Facebook, people I gave my WeChat to, and so on, the number is closer to maybe 600, which drops it below 1%.

Frankly, life moves on. I had a friend at college for 3 years. I went to uni a year before her. When I came back, we hung out once. We had nothing to talk about. I had changed, she had changed, and after about three awkward hours, I made some excuse to leave and we haven't spoken since.

Ever since I finished high school over a year ago, I've noticed just how much people either didn't give much of a crap about me, or how much life just caught up with them and they became too busy.

Yeah. They are busy. Either they're getting jobs (which is practically a job in of itself), having jobs, or going to be a student. Also, it's not their responsibility to "give a crap about you" at the moment. They've got a lot more on their plate.

I was never a popular person (not that I wanted to be), but from middle school up until early high school I had a pretty large number of friends. I'd talk and hang out with all of them, and had a decent social life. However once late high school rolled around, that list of people I used to like grew very small, very fast.

I had people who I was friends with for years quit talking to me, and eventually ignoring all my interactions for reasons ranging from disagreeing with my opinions, to garbage excuses like "we don't talk much anymore".

It's good that you were a social butterfly and had a large amount of people. But it's really difficult as you approach the later stages of high school and start preparing for later things like jobs and college/university. People cut down on friends.

Also, the people you knew in middle and early high school are going through puberty. They are changing, discovering interests and learning what they like, and no longer like. For example, I stopped playing YuGiOh. So I stopped hanging out with my YuGiOh friends, because they would talk about it and I don't really care anymore. It's perfectly fine to stop being friends with someone amicably because you two no longer have shared interests. It's also fine to find new friends to fulfill those interests. For example, I am now all up with a roleplaying posse.

And opinions are important. I had a friend who was racist. We are no longer friends, because his opinion and my opinion on a very important issue are different, and sometimes, it will get in the way of a friendship.

And finally, friendship is not a "sunk-cost" arrangement. No one is obligated to continue being your friend. People are your friends because they want to spend time with you, not because they have to.

It's become quite depressing. Don't misunderstand, I'm very thankful for the small ring of friends I have now, they've quickly become some of the best I've had, but it is a bit disheartening to see people I once cared about just leave, most of the time with no warning or reason.

Do you really want a break-up scene every single time a friend loses interest in being your friend? "Sorry, Solid Snake (awesome screenname, by the way), I don't feel very close to you anymore and I think we should start seeing other people?"

People move on. They usually have a lot on their plate. They don't have time to check every box in the list. If you don't like this, then you should make the effort to try and spend more time together, or talk to them. If they're not interested, that's their right. No one is obligated to be friends with anyone (except Leonard and Sheldon).

My problem is that I secretively care too much. I've always cared about people in general, to varying degrees, especially people who shown me kindness in return. It's not that I want to be the center of attention or to be popular among a lot of people, I just like knowing there are people who accept me in general, and that I can get along with.

It's great you care so much. It's still not their job to reciprocate. Think of it like a relationship. You can love a girl all you want, but she doesn't have to love you back. It's your choice how much you want to invest, but don't complain if it's too much.

And I doubt they've rejected you; they still like you well enough, it's just they have new friends and interests and you've fallen in the list of priorities. And "secretly caring too much" seems like one of those "no, I'm so ugly" descriptions on the hot girl's photo.

It does infuriate me when they give a reason like "we don't talk much anymore", as if it's 100% my responsibility to do so, as if they couldn't try to contact me every once and a while. It's lately led me to believe that they really just didn't care in the first place and just wanted an excuse to get rid of me.

You're the one who wants to continue the relationship. They don't particularly mind either way. Ergo, if you want to continue the relationship, it's up to you to put some effort in. And in their defence, if you have no reason or topic to discuss with a person (including companionship), then why do so? It's not their job to be friends with you, they're not under contract. Like earlier referenced, maybe you should get people to sign "Friendship Agreements"?

I understand life gets in the way, but it just seems like friends want to get rid of me.

Honestly, they probably don't care enough to actively want rid of you, it's more a general apathy in the relationship. They are growing up, they are moving on, they have new interests and new friends. Every so often, something will get left behind. Maybe you should clear up your closet, stop referring to people you haven't spoken to in 3 months as friends, and get new friends and be interesting and cool. As you like Metal Gear Solid, you are clearly cool.

It's my understanding that this is fairly normal for something like this to happen after high school or college is over, or am I wrong about that? Admittedly I'm not sure what this thread can offer other than a way for me to vent a little bit.

Yep. Very normal. Friends come and go. Get used to it. Find new, interesting friends. Be friendly and give hugs to old friends.

 

[WaysideMaze]

From high school I have one friend that I see on a regular basis, that I'm still very good friends with.

There are others that I'll see around and about, and say hi to, but I wouldn't make a point of trying to meet up with them.

I have plenty of other friends that I spend loads of time with though, so I'm not fussed.

 

[wooty]

Its normal stuff. Out of my (rather large) group of high school mates, I probably only see 5 of them regularly. The rest don't even recognize me, or if they do then they are genuinely shocked to see me seeing as I supposedly got shot and killed in Afghanistan 6 years ago. Shit happens like this all the time.

Speaking of which, my 10 year "reunion" is coming up in June and I've actually been invited. The only reason I'm going is to see if the stories are true, that I'm the only one out my entire year that isn't married, got kids or shackled in a relationship or some sort. This could be fun yet.

 

[MeChaNiZ3D]

I didn't have much of a social life in high school, but still meet up with my high school friends occasionally, and highly doubt I'd be given a bullshit excuse at any time. We are all legitimately busy people at University and having jobs.

 

[Fijiman]

It's mostly because I don't use social networks, but I never kept up with any of my friends after high school. I rarely talk with any of the friends I had on Xbox Live during high school if at all because most of them are either too busy to play most of the time, they removed me/I removed them from my friends list, or because we almost never seem to be playing the same games anymore.

 

[Catfood220]

I left school almost 20 years ago and I am still friends with exactly one person I went to school with. I quickly lost touch with a lot of the people I hung about with and as the years went by, lost touch with the rest. But as I have gone through life, I have made other friends and have a small group of friends that never had anything to do with my school years(except for the one guy).

You will make other friends, high school is not the end of your socialising with other people.

 

[sextus the crazy]

Thankfully, I'm still friends with the people I liked in high-school. Some are close family friends, while others I play video games with on steam a ton so we're pretty tight. It helps that one of my friends has essentially no other friends outside of our little high-school group, so he hangs with me when I can find the time.

 

[Hero of Lime]

Yeah that pretty much happened to me. I still keep in contact with two of them, but the others are just a distant memory. Though it seemed like most of them wanted nothing to do with me after graduation, which is a shame since I thought we got really close during my senior year. My problem was I got into that group of friends after being an outsider for the rest of my time, and I guess I never won over a few of them.

I am still friends with my elementary school friends oddly enough, despite all of us going to different high schools, we were close enough to stay pals the whole time. Now we are all almost out of college, and one of them is getting married soon, it's crazy to think about it. XD

 

[Saetha]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm coming to the end of my first year of college and I've fallen off with talking to a lot of the friends I made in highschool - I've only kept in contact with three or four, and even then, it's pretty difficult because they're all so busy all the time. It sucks but... I can't really say it's bothering me. I suppose, in contrast to you, OP, my biggest problem is that I pretend to care more than I actually do, so as not to hurt people's feelings. Honest emotion isn't something that I really know how to deal with, so I avoid it whenever I can or, when I cannot, fake my way through. Probably not the best way of dealing with things, but there it is. As a result, I never really built an actual connection with many of my friends, and the fact that we've both moved on to other things doesn't really bother me.

What DOES bother me is my seeming inability to make new ones. I've never been a terribly social person, I don't know how to make small talk, how to approach people, how to... do anything required in order to make a new friend. I don't even know when the "proper time" is to ask someone for their facebook or phone number or something so we can hang out. So I just sort of awkwardly wait for them to make the first move which... apparently never happens in college. I'm not entirely sure what to do about that.

 

[freaper]

Yeah, you're all making sense. To be honest, it's late and my mind was keeping me up. In reality, I knew this, but I didn't want to accept it. It just feels wrong to have put effort into relationships that just disappear. Even in high school they just ended. But you're right. I know I've got great friends now. It's probably best to focus on appreciating them like Voulan said.

It's not because you know those friendships might eventually die out that they aren't worth pursuing. You just need a bit of perspective and learn to appreciate the moment, or everything will seem trivial.