Tired of Being a Loser

[Spinozaad]

You're only a loser if you think you are.

Anyway, you're going to college? That's good. If US college life is anything like the Netherlands, that means that nobody is going to give a rat's ass what/how you were in high school. Teenage angst and teenage bullshit are utterly meaningless now. To quote Tony Blair, although he was referring to something else completely:

"The kaleidoscope has been shaken. The pieces are in flux. Soon they will settle again. Before they do, let us reorder this world around us."

The key component and, admittedly, the hardest part is to take action. You will have to assert yourself. How?

Join a club/students' society. Admittedly, I don't know anything about American college culture, but over here student cities/campuses are filled to the brink with societies of all kinds. Debating societies, student theater cliques, comedy collectives, student sports groups (which are not directly affiliated to the university), knitting clubs, you name it; it's there. Joining one is a great way to get access to a "clique". You're part of the group, you're all sharing a common interest, easy and fun.

Second, to quote Goethe: 'Im Anfang war die Tat'. Or, first there's the action, the thought comes second. You will have to take action, and all actions have consequences. Don't focus on the consequences a priori. First do, rationalize later. To be sure, Goethe's quip doesn't really cover drunken behaviour. When you're drunk and you're about to do something, you really have to think first.

Finally, consider this:

Happiness is worth inconvenience, and the road to happiness will be inconvenient. You will be rejected by girls and by others. There will be many little losses inbetween the few great victories. I'll write it in comfortable bold font: don't panic. You'll be fine.

 

[Loonyyy]

Try to be more social, even if it feels weird. Who cares if it feels weird at first, it's what you want, right?

You just need to get in there and go for it.

May I ask why you think people think you're a jerk, or a weirdo? Or even a gamer? I've known many the sad nerd who can't go without their sonic shirts, or talking about video games to everyone, and if it's anything in relation to that, I'd suggest that you make social interaction not entirely about a small subset of interests. Games aren't weird, people who are fixated on them around people who aren't are.

For a comparison, it's like band-shirts. If you wear one every once in a while, you look normal. If you wear them all the time, you look like you're completely absorbed by music, and will be boxed in as some sort of a metalhead in most peoples minds, which doesn't help you to socialise.

 

[Solidus00]

I used to have a huge problem in being confident around people, especially girls. I was even nervous in answering the phone at work, which actually cost me a job when I was 18.

I started hitting the gym, working out, running. It changed my life dramatically.

So just based off this, you need to be confident in yourself before you can be confident towards other people. Otherwise thats where the creepiness factor comes into play.

If you have trouble holding a conversation then maybe start reading newspapers, so you can start talking about current events. If it does come up, sure, admit you're a gamer. Who cares? I am, and I say it proud! But don't be totally obsessed on it and talk about it tirelessly to anyone. Appeal to your audience.

 

[Faewerd]

Let me just give you an advice, if you wanna succede in your new school, act normally, it may sound cliche but you gotta be yourself in order to make things work well, don't try to impress who doesn't worth your effort, if some people think you're weird or a nerd just leave them and go live your life, i've passed through similar situations on high school, i just lived my life and things started to work for me, i don't even know what happened to the people who harassed me, but the people who actually cared about me are my friends, very good friends

 

[bananafishtoday]

I think lechat's advice is pretty spot on. Get a job dealing with the public. I used to have really bad social anxiety in high school, but being forced to talk to dozens of people a day helped me develop the skills to have a social life. The word "skills" is really important. Being social isn't an immutable personality trait, it's a skill that needs to be learned and (more importantly) can be learned. Like anything else, it just takes practice and the right mindset. I've found that working at restaurants and in retail made me appreciative of and eager to interact with people who are kind/friendly and to give less of a shit about people who aren't.

Also, any new environment is a chance to reinvent yourself because you're dealing with people who have no preconceived notions of you. Fake it till you make it: if you don't like some aspect of yourself, try forcing yourself to act/think differently. It feels weird at first, but eventually you internalize your new values and/or change your personality. It's kinda like self-brainwashing... maybe not everyone would be comfortable with it, but it helped me a lot. I came out of high school an incredibly angry and misanthropic person. I got over it by just being nice to people and acting like I cared, even if I didn't. And over time, just by repetition, I noticed myself starting to want to be nice and actually start to care. It's weird to look back on, but I essentially trained myself to be empathetic like one might train a puppy.

(Incidentally, this is pretty much how AA works, and it's the basis of behavioral psychology. You said it can be tough to get into the mindset, and I totally know where you're coming from. My advice would be to do your best to just change your behavior. The mindset will follow naturally.)

So yeah. I know it can be tough, but your personality is remarkably malleable. Just try to take it one step at a time, and you'll make progress. The key is to put yourself as far out of your comfort zone as you can handle; whether it's baby steps or leaps and bounds, don't worry about it. You can get there.

And on a different "personal enrichment" note, I'd advise taking a wide variety of "general" courses in college, regardless of what your actual major is. Take philosophy, take mathematics, take sociology, take literature, take gender studies, take programming, take religion (even if you're not religious; I'm an atheist, and the secular Bible study course I took was one of the most rewarding classes I've ever been in.) I think people who focus too much on one area of study throw away a great opportunity to broaden their horizons and learn to see things from multiple angles.

(And knowing a bit of everything makes it easy to participate in convos about anything. I've learned a lot from other people at bars/shows/whatever about subjects that I wouldn't have understood at all if I didn't have any foundation. [Plus attractive, intelligent strangers love flirting with people who understand their interests/passions.])

Oh, and I dunno if this is a city thing, or just my city, or just the circles I travel in, or what, so ymmv, but no one I know asks anyone "out" (ie on dates) anymore. Most "dates" are more like one person texting the other day-of and inviting them someplace they'll be with their friends anyway. It can be really ambiguous if people are into you or just like hanging out. But at the same time, it's a lot more casual than traditional "date" type things, so there's a lot less stress/pressure (at least imo.)

 

[Angie7F]

I think most people coming to college are thinking "OK, I am going to start over new, and start a whole new different image for myself".
I know I was one of those people...

I think the most important thing to do is not to over do it.
A lot of people, especially people not used to being popular, over do the friendliness thing in the beginning, and crash and burn before the semester is over.
I would suggest that you stay under the radar until others crash and burn.
You will figure out who to approach and who not to approach.

Dont be the fool that steps o his own toes because college can get loooong if you do.

 

[The Scythian]

Wow, I really wasn't expecting all this. So, the game plan for preparation is basically to get a more social job, and start working out. Join clubs and be nicer. Okay, that is possible. But, for those off days, is there a way any of you reward yourselves for pressing on? Or should it become it's own reward?

 

[Karhukonna]

Quoted for attenshun

How you carry yourself has a huge impact on how people view you. If you're always slouching around, people will think less of you. Having some basic manners and a positive outlook on life will generally make you appear more likable.

The hardest part is breaking out of this negative cycle you've lost yourself in. Start doing positive things, and people will eventually change their views on you. Being honest goes a long way. I constantly find myself explaining myself to new people, who do not realize that I'm a little goofy and seems awkward due to being socially retarded. And it's okay to say it out loud.

Eventually your friends (or friends-to-be, should you lack current ones) will learn to understand these things, and you can have a laugh at them. I've been through these steps, although I never quite viewed myself as a loser. It'll be a longer, harder path for you, but trust me when I tell you that it can be done.

Also, as a side note, I'll probably never personally become a master of social interaction, but we live in a day and age where it's okay to be a little weird. I noticed that you wanted to become a socially functional human being. This may never happen the way you hope, but it's not a deal breaker. Outsiders like us live our lives with different social rules than the rest of the population. You can learn, and to a degree become a social person, but don't worry so much about becoming a "socially functional human being", and instead focus on just becoming a better you.

Best of luck. I hope you find something useful among my ramblings.

 

[Shifty]

Howdy, I would change gradually.
First thing is not a massive change but will make every other change much easier.
.. do something every day that scares you. This may be something as small as a phone call where you have the option of a call or e-mail.

Secondly I would start exercising. This can give you greater confidence in yourself. If at all possible do this outdoors. Its free and will the fresh air is good.

Thirdly change your diet if it is bad, start eating healthily

Dont do all these things at once or your body might explode..

ONce these three things are part of your routine I bet that you will find that others perceive you differently.

I can honestly say that I grew a lot more confident (this is coming from a guy who would get in fights in bars when I was younger but couldnt deal with people on a adult straight level etc etc) in dealing with people when I was getting in confrontations in work regularly once my job changed. (I work for the government now and fight with people trying to screw the system, not the normal guy the big screw up)

But seriously take it one step at a time and if you give yourself goals and meet them you will find your confidence growing which leads to your social skills growing which leads to more social engagements.

I hope whatever you do works out well.

 

[LuckyClover95]

Go to every possible social event you can. That way, even if you don't talk much (although you have to talk a bit) and don't really know anyone, you become One Of The Guys Thats Just Always At The Parties. People will invite you just because you're always there, and thats the way it is, and this gives you the chance over time to actually get to know them.

 

[Ambitiousmould]

Hello everyone. I am a senior in high school, going to college this Fall, and I want to change. I am tired of being unable to look people in the eye, being unwilling to even consider social events, of being an outcast. I've never even tried to ask a girl out.

The problem, I think, is environment. I have gone to a small Christian school (graduating class of 30) since seventh grade, and my class is basically unchanged. As is their perception of me. As a jerk, a gamer, and a wierdo. I don't blame them, I have done a lot to accentuate this, but I haven't had an opportunity to break that stigma and really change.

I'm sure several of you have gone through similar situations, and I would like to know: What should I do to become a socially functional human being?

Join the club. It's the environment for me too. Most fo the people here assume that if you don't go and and get rat-arsed every friday, saturday and sunday then you've failed in life. I gave up around here, that's why most of my friends I only know thorugh Xbox Live and don't even live in the same county, some not even in the same country. I'm not saying you shouldn't try and get to know people near you, but don't rely it, not from my experience anyway.

EDIT: the reason I gave up on locals was their attitude towards life, and i know every response I could possibly get around here, but you can make a fresh start, a clean slate as it were, with new people. when you get to college, make a first impression on how you want to be seen