Too Much Pressure to Perform During Sex

[qazmatoz]

Hey Escapist community, I've got a problem that I need some help with.

Lately I've been depressed with aspects of my situation in life, and have been getting extremely stressed out by school work. It's to the point where it's really effecting my ability to perform sexually with my girlfriend.

I've tried explaining performance anxiety and the effect of stress on sexual performance, but she won't listen. She thinks that since I can get off to porn that I should be able to perform during sex. She thinks the problem is with her and me not being attracted to her anymore. She then says that even if it is stress that's causing my problem, that I should be able to forget all of that and be able to perform anyway when I'm with her.

It's just making me feel like even more shit. I can't perform because of stress and depression, and not being able to perform causes a strain on our relationship, and that causes more stress on me. It's like an endless cycle of anxiety.

She just told me that she wants to stop being physical with me because it's pointless and just making her depressed. I know she's not trying to be so cold, but it's like she doesn't even want to try to understand where I'm coming from.

I love her, but I don't know what to do. Sigh.

EDIT: Wow, I can't believe how many replies I've gotten for this and how supportive you've all been. You don't really hear many guys coming out so openly about problems with sex, and seeing as this site is part of the notoriously juvenile gaming community, I'm doubly impressed :3.

I've talked it through with my girlfriend. Like a lot of you said, the reason that she was reacting the way she did wasn't because she was being cold and heartless, but because her insecurities caused her to feel hurt and worthless.

We both have issues, but that's just human and we need to grow and learn together. I for one need to show her more intimacy and appreciation in all facets of our relationship so I can make her feel as special as I think she is.

I know things aren't completely resolved, but thanks to you all I have a handy little compendium of advice and knowledge should I ever need help .

So again I say to you, fellow Escapist members, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

EDIT 2:

And yeah, no more porn ;D.

 

[The Floating Nose]

I don't have a solution for you but i think that you need to calm down and find a way to release some pressure and THEN you two will have hot fast oozing sex (Zero punctuation reference). That's the only hint i can give you.

 

[Ignignokt]

Take a shot or two before sex maybe? Or get on some anti-anxiety medication.

 

[Something Amyss]

Porn is different in that you have nobody to please but yourself.

Unless you're a performer, in which case you have thousands or possibly millions to please. >.>

 

[Something Amyss]

Take a shot or two before sex maybe? Or get on some anti-anxiety medication.

A lot of anti-anxiety meds have negative effects on sexual performance.

Just an FYI.

 

[Chefodeath]

Get ready for the break up. To be bluntly honest, your woman doesn't understand your problem because she doesn't care to understand it. She is young and just looking for a good time, and you aren't showing it to her. If she has told you she doesn't want to have sex because it depresses her, I can pretty much guarentee you your relationship is terminal and shes already contemplating on how to break it.

 

[Squall-Loire]

Take a shot or two before sex maybe?

Hard alcohol won't help. It'll mess with the bloodflow and add physical causes to a psychological problem.
If you need alcohol to put yourself more at ease, use red wine - it does good things for the blood flow.

To OP: Viagra, Cialis, Levitra.

Not trolling. Not kidding. These pills are not just for the old-aged (indeed, most ED has nothing to do with age), and are great for this situation. Simply put, they take your mind out of the equation - when you are in an exciting situation you will stand to attention, and once that is out of the way the rest tends to come much easier (no pun intended).
See your doctor, ask for a prescription (you can get them from /reputable/ pharmacies online if you're embarrassed), and give it a shot for a while. There's a good chance that by the time you finish your first pack, you'll have rebuilt your confidence in bed to a point where you won't need them any more.

A lot of anti-anxiety meds have negative effects on sexual performance.

True story. In fact, they are the start of these problems for many people.

 

[Ignignokt]

Take a shot or two before sex maybe? Or get on some anti-anxiety medication.

A lot of anti-anxiety meds have negative effects on sexual performance.

Just an FYI.

Actually, I'm very aware of that. They've given me issues, myself. But it might be worth a shot in case they don't happen to do it to him.

 

[Vanguard_Ex]

What's the actual problem? Can you not maintain an erection or what?

 

[ramboondiea]

you need to either find an outlet for your stress, such as a stress free hobby, you need to schedule in time to relax, these are some of the less extreme methods. alternately drugs will help, now im not psychic i can only infer on what your problem is but from those i can think of they made readily available drugs for them.

however my i offer a completely different solution, you or someone you know needs to smack your girlfriend upside the head for being so dense as too add more stress to you when you have already confided in her that you are having problems, she sounds like a fucking moron.

last bit of advice, speak to experts on issues like this before asking absolute strangers.......just saying

 

[putowtin]

I love her, but I don't know what to do. Sigh.

Talk to her, don't just say "it's because of other problems, explain the other problems, sit down with her and talk, really talk, about everything and nothing. Tell her how you feel, let her know that you don?t want to lose her because of what?s going on, and explain that you need her support. If after all of this she?s still unsupportive, then (and I hate to say it) but maybe she isn?t worthy of your love.

I?m saying all of this from the female point of view, if you need to chat, PM me, I?ll chat as much as you want.

 

[qazmatoz]

Get ready for the break up. To be bluntly honest, your woman doesn't understand your problem because she doesn't care to understand it. She is young and just looking for a good time, and you aren't showing it to her. If she has told you she doesn't want to have sex because it depresses her, I can pretty much guarentee you your relationship is terminal and shes already contemplating on how to break it.

No, it's definitely not like that. I think she's just too focused on her insecurities and is projecting all the problems onto herself. By doing that though, it's just making me feel guilty on top of everything else. Definitely doesn't help...

 

[Something Amyss]

Actually, I'm very aware of that. They've given me issues, myself. But it might be worth a shot in case they don't happen to do it to him.

Yeah, but it's good to be cautious. It's quite possible he could try it and not see results. Without knowing the possible side effects, he might read something else into it.

 

[damselgaming]

From a girls perspective, she will think that it's her that's the problem. It's pretty natural to think that. And to be honest there aren't many girls that wouldn't think that. How she is choosing to deal with that isn't right, but if you really like this girl and you want to get through it then focus on fixing your anxiety problems first and formost. If she's that desperate for some gratification just go for one of the other various options.

 

[Blow_Pop]

Get ready for the break up. To be bluntly honest, your woman doesn't understand your problem because she doesn't care to understand it. She is young and just looking for a good time, and you aren't showing it to her. If she has told you she doesn't want to have sex because it depresses her, I can pretty much guarentee you your relationship is terminal and shes already contemplating on how to break it.

I have to admit that this was the first thought that crossed my mind upon reading that

Get ready for the break up. To be bluntly honest, your woman doesn't understand your problem because she doesn't care to understand it. She is young and just looking for a good time, and you aren't showing it to her. If she has told you she doesn't want to have sex because it depresses her, I can pretty much guarentee you your relationship is terminal and shes already contemplating on how to break it.

No, it's definitely not like that. I think she's just too focused on her insecurities and is projecting all the problems onto herself. By doing that though, it's just making me feel guilty on top of everything else. Definitely doesn't help...

However if you are positive that's what it is find a counselor you can go to with her that will help to explain that it isn't to do with her that it is your stress and anxiety and that she needs to be patient. Here's a tip: girls go through the exact same thing only difference is, we know how to fake it really well. Disclaimer: I DO NOT advise ever faking it unless in cases of people being idiots and accompanied by a huge yawn to show exactly how bored you are with them. Maybe talk to one of her girlfriends and explain it to her and try and get her to explain it to your girlfriend? Honestly I'm stumped after that. If she refuses to listen maybe then you should break up.

 

[Gralian]

Take a shot or two before sex maybe?

Alcohol can make performance even worse and impact your ability to become erect, so i'd stay well clear of that.

Stuff about product from the good Dr. Sanchez who normally fills my spam box.

As much as it makes me laugh to say it, yes, viagra is very much an option. Young people do have problems with ED too and it's nearly always the cause of stress, which is exactly what you appear to be describing. I'd say that if you want to keep a good thing going, just ask your doctor about taking viagra - i'm sure he or she could at the very least recommend something that'll work a treat.

Just please don't purchase any from questionable emails from senor Sanchez.

Get ready for the break up. To be bluntly honest, your woman doesn't understand your problem because she doesn't care to understand it. She is young and just looking for a good time, and you aren't showing it to her. If she has told you she doesn't want to have sex because it depresses her, I can pretty much guarentee you your relationship is terminal and shes already contemplating on how to break it.

I normally don't like to get on my little podium and start doomsaying like this but i'm afraid this chap is right. Really, if she's not willing to work on your issues then she clearly doesn't feel anything for this relationship and she's more than happy to abandon it. The fact she's now refusing intimacy with you and that her only concern is her own satisfaction above all else only solidifies the fact. Personally, i wouldn't want to even be with someone so selfish.

That said, a surprising amount of women are made incredibly insecure about porn. Some flip a shit just because their boyfriend watches porn and they think he does it because he doesn't find her attractive anymore and he has to seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere. They think that they have to live up to the standards of being a pornstar, which while patently untrue does nothing to dissuade those feelings of insecurity. So in a way i can see where she's coming from there. This would be reinforced by the fact you are unable to perform with her and yet you're just fine when you're with your porn. She probably put two and two together and figured that there must be something wrong with her, no matter how untrue that may be.

All i can say is that if you want this relationship to last you're going to have to sit her down and tell her seriously that none of it is her fault, but if she's going to be so self absorbed it's not going to help anyone. Once she realises she doesn't need to feel threatened by the fact you watch and masturbate to pornography she may be more willing to work out your issues with you, provided she actually wants to maintain the relationship - viagra would be an ideal solution, if only a short term one.

 

[abrahram]

I had the same broblem with my current girlfriend. I was very depressed and stressed out when we started dating (weird, i know). For the first two month(!!!!!!) we couldn't have sex cuz i couldn't get it on. And when you can't perform, your self-esteem goes down, you get anxious and blablabla, you know how it goes
But she stood by me all that time (even though she thought that the fault was hers) and aventually i managed to get my stress levels down and gain a bit of self-confidence. and man the sex was goooood

But yeah, my advice is: take a hollyday if you can, get a sporty hobby (running and gym really helped me (gets the blood flowing and kills your brain )), just something to get your mind of things for awhile. If you like drawing or playing an instrument, do that!

Hope that will help...

 

[gallaetha_matt]

Asking the Escapist forum to help you with a sex problem? Good luck with that.

Hey, I include myself in that diss. I'm about as attractive to the ladies as a Match of the Day marathon.

I've tried explaining performance anxiety and the effect of stress on sexual performance, but she won't listen. She thinks that since I can get off to porn that I should be able to perform during sex. She thinks the problem is with her and me not being attracted to her anymore. She then says that even if it is stress that's causing my problem, that I should be able to forget all of that and be able to perform anyway when I'm with her.

Right here is your problem. Dude, you've got a girlfriend who wants you. DITCH THE PORN! At least for a while anyway. Get yourself good and sexually frustrated, then the back pressure build up should get you in the mood for sex again. You might wind up being the first to the finish line, but here's a trick that worked for me (once, long ago in those beautiful rose tinted years when I was having regular sex).

Focus on her needs first. I don't need to spell out what I mean here do I? Practice saying the alphabet with just your tongue, basically. But don't let her finish either if you know what I mean. Level the playing field.

Ugh... talking about someone elses sex life on the internet... it wasn't supposed to be this way...

Failing that, you could always just wait until your various personal problems are resolved. And if that doesn't work, did someone suggest alcohol earlier?

Take a shot or two before sex maybe? Or get on some anti-anxiety medication.

Yeah, they did. In the correct doses, whiskey dick can keep you going all night and not feel a thing. She'll enjoy it a lot more than you will, but so what? She'll be happy.

Or you could just ignore me. I'm not even remotely qualified to give sex advice. The last sexual scenario I was in was the time I tried to make a woman from objects that were lying around my house. Hair dryers should not be used that way.

 

[abrahram]

and yeah, if your girlfriend doesn't understand your problem, you can ask yourself if she is the right one...