Too Much Pressure to Perform During Sex
- Thread starter qazmatoz
- Start date
Is this the problem? if not and the problem is that you can't finish then don't worry.Vanguard_Ex said:
Finishing during love making is not what counts.
But showing love and affection is what does count (okay starting to sound like a girl here).
But if you do have an erection problem then that?s not the end of the world either... Since you still have your fingers if you know what I mean.
Hell my girl and I have lots of making out sessions where we only use our hands and lips. Though the down side on that one is that you could become too good with your hands
Oral sex, also try to satisfy her manually, until you solve your problems that is. And someone here mentioned alcohol, while strong alcohol really isn't the best idea a glass of wine sometimes helps.
I know what you mean.
It's the anxiety of not performing that makes you not perform more then the actual lack of ability to perform.
It's not the stress that's making you not perform, it's your fear of not performing that makes you not perform. And that fear of not performing is quite possibly caused by the stress, but it's not always the solution.
Just do something different. Try a new position, spoil her first and then let her spoil you. Make it feel good, take your time for it, not just "sex" and "coming off". You need to build it up, take it slow and it'll be allright.
Oh and above all, don't worry. You will perform. You WILL.
It's the anxiety of not performing that makes you not perform more then the actual lack of ability to perform.
It's not the stress that's making you not perform, it's your fear of not performing that makes you not perform. And that fear of not performing is quite possibly caused by the stress, but it's not always the solution.
Just do something different. Try a new position, spoil her first and then let her spoil you. Make it feel good, take your time for it, not just "sex" and "coming off". You need to build it up, take it slow and it'll be allright.
Oh and above all, don't worry. You will perform. You WILL.
Yeah that's what I was thinking, hell I rarely finish but I don't really care that much. Like you said, it's not always about what you get from it.Woeps said:Is this the problem? if not and the problem is that you can't finish then don't worry.Vanguard_Ex said:
Finishing during love making is not what counts.
But showing love and affection is what does count (okay starting to sound like a girl here).
But if you do have an erection problem then that?s not the end of the world either... Since you still have your fingers if you know what I mean.
Hell my girl and I have lots of making out sessions where we only use our hands and lips. Though the down side on that one is that you could become too good with your hands
Also I have to say I'm impressed with the maturity in this thread. These kind often can go either way...
I mean, I can get an erection, but then I get too in my head with anxiety or something and start losing it before long. Then things just go downhill from there.Woeps said:Is this the problem? if not and the problem is that you can't finish then don't worry.Vanguard_Ex said:
Finishing during love making is not what counts.
But showing love and affection is what does count (okay starting to sound like a girl here).
But if you do have an erection problem then that?s not the end of the world either... Since you still have your fingers if you know what I mean.
Hell my girl and I have lots of making out sessions where we only use our hands and lips. Though the down side on that one is that you could become too good with your hands
Pleasuring her has never been an issue since I can make her orgasm pretty much any way imaginable, or at least every way that I've tried.
She thinks it's all meaningless if I don't orgasm too though. I guess she thinks that I only get pleasure from orgasming, despite telling her repeatedly that I just like the intimacy and making her feel good.
First of all stop the porn. It can effect what you perceive to be attractive sexually more then you think. It can get so bad that you can't get off unless that scene in porn is recreated. For example, you can't get off unless the woman is on her knees and has running mascara from tears. After a bit of no porn you body should be more excited or into sex and you should be able to perform better.
Next thing, learn some breathing relaxation exercises. When you start to feel you body tense up use those exercises to calm down. Practice that all day and try to keep yourself at a lower level of stress throughout the day. Also, high levels of smoking or caffeine can add to the stress try to lower those if you do that.
Now, if you do these things talk with your girlfriend. You can tell what you have been doing to fix the problem. She should appreciate that and understand that you do care about her. Let her know the more pressure you feel from her the more stress you will have. Try to turn it from being a problem into a source of fun. Set aside a day to be with her. Go out to places that you feel relaxed with her. Have a nice light dinner. Then go somewhere where you will not be bothered for a long time. Do stuff that is relaxing but also sexual, like take a shower with her. Dry each other off. Then get some massage oil/lotion and give her a her to toe massage. Then have her do that to you. Go skinny dipping and be playful. Get some body paint and take turn painting each other. If may not work on the first day but try to train yourself to be relaxed around her while nude. You can have lots of sexual fun without having to preform.
If this doesn't work I would look into seeing a professional. I wish you and her the best in fixing this problem.
Next thing, learn some breathing relaxation exercises. When you start to feel you body tense up use those exercises to calm down. Practice that all day and try to keep yourself at a lower level of stress throughout the day. Also, high levels of smoking or caffeine can add to the stress try to lower those if you do that.
Now, if you do these things talk with your girlfriend. You can tell what you have been doing to fix the problem. She should appreciate that and understand that you do care about her. Let her know the more pressure you feel from her the more stress you will have. Try to turn it from being a problem into a source of fun. Set aside a day to be with her. Go out to places that you feel relaxed with her. Have a nice light dinner. Then go somewhere where you will not be bothered for a long time. Do stuff that is relaxing but also sexual, like take a shower with her. Dry each other off. Then get some massage oil/lotion and give her a her to toe massage. Then have her do that to you. Go skinny dipping and be playful. Get some body paint and take turn painting each other. If may not work on the first day but try to train yourself to be relaxed around her while nude. You can have lots of sexual fun without having to preform.
If this doesn't work I would look into seeing a professional. I wish you and her the best in fixing this problem.
You may feel differently if that "rarely" changed to "never". I've suffered from inorgasmia before as a result of prozac side-effects, and I can tell you that the male brain tends to lose interest pretty quickly without that reward at the end at least being a possibility.Vanguard_Ex said:
I was surprised, too.
...
I CANNOT be the only one who thinks that sex should be about pleasure and not about performance. I mean, yeah, it's admirable that you want to perform well but... hell, that's not what sex is about and you have to think of yourself just as much as you have to think of her.
If you fuck not for fun but because of a twisted sense of duty, then of course you won't get it up. I had a relationship like that and it was the beginning of a horrible ending.
The hottest sex I had was with a girl who knew how to please herself. This may sound weird but you really DO need two to tango and if she really is that thick that she thinks YOU have to work for HER pleasure then it's her own fault. This is not the macho in me talking but I honestly believe that sexual emancipation means that you have to search for your own pleasure, not lay on the bed like a dead fish waiting for a dicking.
Now before you go breaking up with her, it sounds like she's really insecure which could mean that she's still not really opening up to you despite having sex with you. This insecurity will be even worse on the long run after you solved your stress problem at school. Work on that. Help her feel less insecure sexually. Watch her masturbate or even help her do so. Please her in other ways than through dickings (orally, manually, depending on your age and availability toys) and:
I suggest that you suggest her to actually take the initiative and try to please you. Tell her how she could 'perform' to make you go off despite any stress.
AND FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, HIDE ANY TRACES OF PORN. I know that EVERY guy watches it but you don't have to spell it out to her *facepalm*
tl;dr
Sex is NOT about performing, it's about fun. Find that and all stress and insecurity will be meaningless when you are intimate with someone.
I CANNOT be the only one who thinks that sex should be about pleasure and not about performance. I mean, yeah, it's admirable that you want to perform well but... hell, that's not what sex is about and you have to think of yourself just as much as you have to think of her.
If you fuck not for fun but because of a twisted sense of duty, then of course you won't get it up. I had a relationship like that and it was the beginning of a horrible ending.
The hottest sex I had was with a girl who knew how to please herself. This may sound weird but you really DO need two to tango and if she really is that thick that she thinks YOU have to work for HER pleasure then it's her own fault. This is not the macho in me talking but I honestly believe that sexual emancipation means that you have to search for your own pleasure, not lay on the bed like a dead fish waiting for a dicking.
Now before you go breaking up with her, it sounds like she's really insecure which could mean that she's still not really opening up to you despite having sex with you. This insecurity will be even worse on the long run after you solved your stress problem at school. Work on that. Help her feel less insecure sexually. Watch her masturbate or even help her do so. Please her in other ways than through dickings (orally, manually, depending on your age and availability toys) and:
I suggest that you suggest her to actually take the initiative and try to please you. Tell her how she could 'perform' to make you go off despite any stress.
AND FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, HIDE ANY TRACES OF PORN. I know that EVERY guy watches it but you don't have to spell it out to her *facepalm*
tl;dr
Sex is NOT about performing, it's about fun. Find that and all stress and insecurity will be meaningless when you are intimate with someone.
Here's how I see it. If you are a manager in charge of many employees, and one gets sick constantly, they gotta go. Its not their fault, and you don't hate them, but the fact of the matter is, they are a liability to the company. Brace yourself.
As far as a solution, I got nothing. All I can say is the jist of what I said in the "how do you develop thick skin" and "how do you calm down" threads. Gain better control over your mind. I don't know how to go from being weak minded to being strong minded, it always just came naturally to me. Maybe its genetic.
As far as a solution, I got nothing. All I can say is the jist of what I said in the "how do you develop thick skin" and "how do you calm down" threads. Gain better control over your mind. I don't know how to go from being weak minded to being strong minded, it always just came naturally to me. Maybe its genetic.
Looks like its not only your problem but hers as well (not trying to put any extra pressure on your shoulders)
Maybe she feels that see needs the flattery of you coming and if that?s the case then stop with "finishing" to porn (if your doing that).
If you don't watch it then just tell here that giving you the extra stress of having to ?finish? does not really help.
Just stay calm and if she really does not want to listen than maybe she is just not the girl (yet) for you.
Maybe she feels that see needs the flattery of you coming and if that?s the case then stop with "finishing" to porn (if your doing that).
If you don't watch it then just tell here that giving you the extra stress of having to ?finish? does not really help.
Just stay calm and if she really does not want to listen than maybe she is just not the girl (yet) for you.
Just eat her out real good. That's what I do if I can't get it up. Try to stay away from the porn too. Don't waste your sexual energy on that stuff.
"I've tried explaining performance anxiety and the effect of stress on sexual performance, but she won't listen"
that pretty much says it all. if she won't listen, make her listen. if not, its probably her fault. its her selfishness that keeps you from being able to enjoy intimacy and since she's not willing to take a break for your sake or at least understand you.. she's not worth it!
i'm not saying to dump her right away, but if she can't be sympathetic to your plight.. the problem is her. your life will never need expectations like that and will be far-far better when you acknowledge that.
just felt like writing that cause i've been there and tried a LOT in vain. with all the love and respect in the world.. you can't make someone love you like you deserve to be. let go and move on
that pretty much says it all. if she won't listen, make her listen. if not, its probably her fault. its her selfishness that keeps you from being able to enjoy intimacy and since she's not willing to take a break for your sake or at least understand you.. she's not worth it!
i'm not saying to dump her right away, but if she can't be sympathetic to your plight.. the problem is her. your life will never need expectations like that and will be far-far better when you acknowledge that.
just felt like writing that cause i've been there and tried a LOT in vain. with all the love and respect in the world.. you can't make someone love you like you deserve to be. let go and move on
oh boy... the annoying kind which NEEDS TO KNOW TEH TRUTH!!!!qazmatoz said:
in that case, watch porn with her. Find some tasteful pornography (you know... the type of porn that does not have a ten minute close-up of genital slapping against each other) and enjoy it together. Do anything that helps you relax and unwind to the point where sex comes as easy as masturbartion.
Another possibility is: stop the porn and stop masturbating completely for a couple of days and weeks until your hormons pretty much force you to have sex with anything with a pulse (and control yourself enough to make that anything your girl)
Try more foreplay to get yourself to relax, we often get down to it too quickly, when half the fun is building up the anticipation.