Too Much Pressure to Perform During Sex

feycreature

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May 6, 2009
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It can be difficult not to take it personally when your partner's sex drive or physical arousal don't seem to match your own. I've had more than one partner with less drive than me and I've thought I was the problem. I am somewhat insecure about my body, so it's not a big leap to make. If she doesn't use porn herself and/or doesn't masturbate (a lot of girls don't do the latter and it makes me sad), then it might be difficult to explain the difference between rubbing one out to some smutty pictures and getting off with a real person with emotions and preferences and demands. Still, if she's completely ignoring your attempts to communicate then she's being a jerk. And making it worse. More stress and tension are really not gonna help you or her.

I'm not gonna say just break up end of story, but you guys are gonna have to talk about this. People act like sex is always easy and simple, and talk as if a "real man" is always 5 seconds away from mental and physical arousal, but that's bull, and no good ever comes of comparing your sex life to some perceived "normal" example. First thing to do is dump expectations. Second thing to do is communicate openly.

For her self-esteem, there are lots of ways to show attraction that don't require a dick. I mean, lesbians manage. Making out, petting, stimulating her with other parts of your body or just right out TELLING her, often, that you find her beautiful or sexy or whatever adjective fits, can go miles toward helping with insecurity about this. Even masturbating with an appreciative partner can still be very sexiness-affirming. As for pleasure, never underestimate the capabilities of hands, lips, and toys. Plus it is quite possible to perform oral on or stimulate manually a guy who's not that hard (or even not at all) and as long as you can still find it enjoyable without getting off then you can still have lots of fun.

Seriously, the whole "performance" idea of sex for men, or women, or ANYONE, has to go. The more relaxed and comfortable everyone is, the more fun everyone has.
 

feycreature

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May 6, 2009
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And if I may have one additional soapbox moment: gods we need better dialogue between the sexes about porn! Some girls watch it, some don't, but a girl who insists that HER man never watches that filthy stuff is probably either lying or deluded. There are some REAL issues with porn, such as worker abuse in the industry or how much porn is full of slapping and nasty names (I do not appreciate being called a b*tch by anyone, ever, thank you very much!*), or how it always seems to be focused more on hydraulics than pleasure, or how the dialogue is awful, or how there is rarely any real passion.

So yeah, issues. *cough* But the fact that people (yes, PEOPLE, not just men) like watching video or looking at pictures of naked people and people having sex really needs to stop being such a big deal.

/soapbox

*though I do get that some people of both genders like that, but does it have to be in everything that isn't completely vanilla?
 

TheVioletBandit

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Oct 2, 2011
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About your anxiety over school, (your going to die one day, maybe tomorrow) when taking this into consideration do you think worrying over school is worth the time and energy. Don't get me wrong you should do your best in school, but worrying over it won't help anything. Just do your best and what happens happens love and happiness is far more important. If this doesn't help get some boner pills, maybe?
 

Squall-Loire

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Nov 18, 2009
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cmdrmonkey said:
Unrecognized homosexuality is one of the main causes of ED in young men. My views are hardly ignorant.
While latent homosexuality could cause erectile dysfunction, it is hardly "one of the main causes", and it certainly isn't anything close the 99.9% probability you (ignorantly) stated.

Things more likely to cause ED (particularly the kind described by the OP) in young men:
- Anxiety
- Stress
- Depression
- Relationship problems
- Smoking
- Alcohol
- Obesity
- Side-effects of prescription drugs

So my point isn't that saying OP could be gay and not know it is ignorant - rather your stating that it is the most likely cause, when it's anything but.
 

William Dickbringer

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Feb 16, 2010
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qazmatoz said:
Hey Escapist community, I've got a problem that I need some help with.

Lately I've been depressed with aspects of my situation in life, and have been getting extremely stressed out by school work. It's to the point where it's really effecting my ability to perform sexually with my girlfriend.

I've tried explaining performance anxiety and the effect of stress on sexual performance, but she won't listen. She thinks that since I can get off to porn that I should be able to perform during sex. She thinks the problem is with her and me not being attracted to her anymore. She then says that even if it is stress that's causing my problem, that I should be able to forget all of that and be able to perform anyway when I'm with her.

It's just making me feel like even more shit. I can't perform because of stress and depression, and not being able to perform causes a strain on our relationship, and that causes more stress on me. It's like an endless cycle of anxiety.

She just told me that she wants to stop being physical with me because it's pointless and just making her depressed. I know she's not trying to be so cold, but it's like she doesn't even want to try to understand where I'm coming from.

I love her, but I don't know what to do. Sigh.
my ideas are try to relax an hour or two before you have sex don't sechdule sex? well do it for this try to meditate before have her give you a massage or take a shower together try some yoga for couples maybe take a day and spend together trying to (you may have tried these already) or maybe go on a week vacation when a break from school comes up go with her just to take a break from everything and spend it with her
there's are just my ideas and you may have already tried some I hope this helps
 

Zarkov

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Mar 26, 2010
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Caramel Frappe said:
qazmatoz said:
If I can be of anymore help, please do PM me. I shall be here for you and listen to whatever you have to say. I do hope things become alright for you which in the end I believe you'll make it out of this mess. Props to you for sharing, which I contributed by caring *smiles* :}
Huh, someone caring on the internet? Weird... I must investigate.

*Scanning over post*
Signs of bronyism is apparent... multiple symptoms, such as smiles and contributed-caring, along with a subtext of tolerance... I must look further to be sure.

*Looks at profile pic*

*Squints eyes*

Gasp! I was right! Bronyism is the cause of such kindness!

Kill it with fire!


... is what I would have said if I were a broniphobic. Oh, and, to clue you guys in, that's now a word because the multiplicity of threads asking "WHY U LIKE PONY?" are all too frequent.

Anyway, I am glad that it's become a sort of popular thing to be caring on the internet, as foreign as it sounds. Cool advice from people on a sensitive subject. I'm impressed! And Caramel Frappe, you have a lot of good advice. He'd do well to take a thing or two from that paragraph as I would have nothing else to add. I think you summed it up quite nicely.

So, I second this post.
 

qazmatoz

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Sep 17, 2009
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Hey, all.

Just got through reading all the posts. I've got to thank you all for everything. I was really expecting a lot more trolling, but you've gone and outdone yourselves, Escapist :)
 

UsefulPlayer 1

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Feb 22, 2008
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I just wanted to point out, imagine the gumption to talk about this even on the internet. I mean it definitely points to how alot of people might be going through the same thing for the odds of someone finally asking for help about it.