Top 7 Worst Excuses I've Heard For Not Being Kicked Out of a Bar/Club

Longstreet

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Two reasons i will never be a doorman;

- Drunken idiots
- I prefer being the drunken guy.

Never did get in trouble with the security around here though. Where I live there is no real security; just bar personnel that will escort you out and enough regulars to help them out.

In a city nearby where they do got bouncers; most of them are pretty cool guys.

Feel free to share any more stories you might have, the most funniest shit always seem to happen to bouncers. But i guess that's cuz most of their story subjects are pissed.
 

Dirty Hipsters

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FalloutJack said:
Anoni Mus said:
Having issues doesn't mean it has to be homophobia.
Might be.

Dirty Hipsters said:
Little seems to be the key word in that sentence.
You really seem to be keen to get on people's bad sides. Maybe you should stop.
The first thing your psychology professor should have told you when you started taking psychology is that you don't know nearly enough to start diagnosing people. You read 3 sentences about a guy's reaction to a single event and suddenly you think you know him when in reality it takes a psychologist hours of talking with someone to diagnose them.

So maybe you shouldn't automatically assume that when someone doesn't like to be fondled by another man that they're either homophobic or in the closet, maybe being touched by unfamiliar people just makes them stressed.
 

Dirty Hipsters

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FalloutJack said:
Dirty Hipsters said:
Silly hipster. If the stuff you learn during a course of an education didn't teach anything useful, there wouldn't be any point in having it. That was an opinion and theory based upon information given with a background applicable towards an educated guess. Now, if you wish to dicuss it in a not-snide and irritable manner, you are welcome to. Otherwise, no more replies from you.
Maybe the fact that you keep wanting to diagnose people as homophobic and/or in the closet is a transference of your own feelings about homosexuals, or your own homosexual urges onto those people. Yeah, I took a little psychology in college as well.
 

NihilSinLulz

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Dirty Hipsters said:
What the hell kind of bar searches people? I agree with the guy from number 3 that it's fucking ridiculous and you shouldn't have that kind of power. I'd never go to a bar like that.
It was a club. It's standard procedure with pretty much any club downtown to avoid people sneaking weapons, drugs or alcohol into the place.
 

Ratties

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Dirty Hipsters said:
What the hell kind of bar searches people? I agree with the guy from number 3 that it's fucking ridiculous and you shouldn't have that kind of power. I'd never go to a bar like that.
The kind of bar that people like to sneak guns and knives into. Sometimes people like to sneak in booze. There are tons of bars that pat people down for stuff they are not supposed to bring in. Don't like it, don't go. You might change your tune when a guy stands up in a drunken stupor pointing a gun at you and pulling the trigger. People like to complain about whats right, until it happens to them and then they are on board.
 

Wadders

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I can only imagine how frustrating it is (even as a professional doorman) to be confronted with idiots like this on a day to day basis.

I mean, I've been a drunken idiot plenty of times, and been thrown out of my fair share of places, but when you're drunk it always seems like the bouncer who is the bad guy. Normally I just do as I'm told though. Bouncers are big for a reason. Even if I'm blind drunk and have just vomited on the toilet floor, I'm not usually thick enough to argue with a bloke whose arms are as wide as my thighs.


Dirty Hipsters said:
What the hell kind of bar searches people? I agree with the guy from number 3 that it's fucking ridiculous and you shouldn't have that kind of power. I'd never go to a bar like that.
Our Student Union used to do it all the time, they'd pick someone out of the line every few minutes and give them a pat down. Made the queue slow as fuck, but they just wanted to check for drugs, and booze that wasn't theirs I guess - which is fair enough really. If you didn't like it, you were free to piss off somewhere else :)
 

Something Amyss

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NihilSinLulz said:
6. "Oh, oh, oh. You think you're a big shot right? You're nothing! I bet you don't even have a high school education. Who do you think you are kicking me out? I'm above you 'cuz you're nothing but a damn peasant!"
I'd respond with something like "ME GRUNT ON POWER TRIP! SMASH ERUDITE!"

...Okay, Erudite was too verbose. Anyone got a substitute?
 

Agayek

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Zachary Amaranth said:
I'd respond with something like "ME GRUNT ON POWER TRIP! SMASH ERUDITE!"

...Okay, Erudite was too verbose. Anyone got a substitute?
Smash GED?
 

Dirty Hipsters

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NihilSinLulz said:
Dirty Hipsters said:
What the hell kind of bar searches people? I agree with the guy from number 3 that it's fucking ridiculous and you shouldn't have that kind of power. I'd never go to a bar like that.
It was a club. It's standard procedure with pretty much any club downtown to avoid people sneaking weapons, drugs or alcohol into the place.
Which downtown? I live in LA and I've never gone to a single club or bar that searched people at the door, nor would I go to one.
 

NihilSinLulz

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Wadders said:
I can only imagine how frustrating it is (even as a professional doorman) to be confronted with idiots like this on a day to day basis.

I mean, I've been a drunken idiot plenty of times, and been thrown out of my fair share of places, but when you're drunk it always seems like the bouncer who is the bad guy. Normally I just do as I'm told though. Bouncers are big for a reason. Even if I'm blind drunk and have just vomited on the toilet floor, I'm not usually thick enough to argue with a bloke whose arms are as wide as my thighs.
The most physically apt security in my experience are usually the smaller guys (or girls). They usually know how to fight, hit, and how to take a hit. The big guys are usually just big and tend to break their own hand when they solidly clock someone.

The best security are the invisible. You shouldn't even notice us or 'see us work'. The idea is that security addresses issues before it becomes a problem.
 

NihilSinLulz

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Dirty Hipsters said:
NihilSinLulz said:
Dirty Hipsters said:
What the hell kind of bar searches people? I agree with the guy from number 3 that it's fucking ridiculous and you shouldn't have that kind of power. I'd never go to a bar like that.
It was a club. It's standard procedure with pretty much any club downtown to avoid people sneaking weapons, drugs or alcohol into the place.
Which downtown? I live in LA and I've never gone to a single club or bar that searched people at the door, nor would I go to one.
Toronto
 

Dirty Hipsters

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NihilSinLulz said:
Dirty Hipsters said:
NihilSinLulz said:
Dirty Hipsters said:
What the hell kind of bar searches people? I agree with the guy from number 3 that it's fucking ridiculous and you shouldn't have that kind of power. I'd never go to a bar like that.
It was a club. It's standard procedure with pretty much any club downtown to avoid people sneaking weapons, drugs or alcohol into the place.
Which downtown? I live in LA and I've never gone to a single club or bar that searched people at the door, nor would I go to one.
Toronto
I figured it was either Canada or the UK. Americans have a thing against being searched randomly, especially by people who aren't law enforcement and have no training.
 

NihilSinLulz

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Dirty Hipsters said:
NihilSinLulz said:
Dirty Hipsters said:
NihilSinLulz said:
Dirty Hipsters said:
What the hell kind of bar searches people? I agree with the guy from number 3 that it's fucking ridiculous and you shouldn't have that kind of power. I'd never go to a bar like that.
It was a club. It's standard procedure with pretty much any club downtown to avoid people sneaking weapons, drugs or alcohol into the place.
Which downtown? I live in LA and I've never gone to a single club or bar that searched people at the door, nor would I go to one.
Toronto
I figured it was either Canada or the UK. Americans have a thing against being searched randomly, especially by people who aren't law enforcement and have no training.
Don't know about the UK, but we need a government issued licence to work security. That said, it isn't random. It isn't like its a big secret that you'll be asked to be searched and you can always refuse. You'll just be turned away.
 

rasputin0009

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NihilSinLulz said:
Wadders said:
I can only imagine how frustrating it is (even as a professional doorman) to be confronted with idiots like this on a day to day basis.

I mean, I've been a drunken idiot plenty of times, and been thrown out of my fair share of places, but when you're drunk it always seems like the bouncer who is the bad guy. Normally I just do as I'm told though. Bouncers are big for a reason. Even if I'm blind drunk and have just vomited on the toilet floor, I'm not usually thick enough to argue with a bloke whose arms are as wide as my thighs.
The most physically apt security in my experience are usually the smaller guys (or girls). They usually know how to fight, hit, and how to take a hit. The big guys are usually just big and tend to break their own hand when they solidly clock someone.

The best security are the invisible. You shouldn't even notice us or 'see us work'. The idea is that security addresses issues before it becomes a problem.
Ya, that's good security. The bouncers at the couple bars in my town have a totally different idea about security. They're just looking to dude-bro it up and try to act all macho. They aggressively call on patrons to fight consistently. Like, I don't need a guy to get all up in my face because I just walked through the door. I'm a calm guy, I don't need to be threatened to behave myself.
 

Wadders

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NihilSinLulz said:
Wadders said:
I can only imagine how frustrating it is (even as a professional doorman) to be confronted with idiots like this on a day to day basis.

I mean, I've been a drunken idiot plenty of times, and been thrown out of my fair share of places, but when you're drunk it always seems like the bouncer who is the bad guy. Normally I just do as I'm told though. Bouncers are big for a reason. Even if I'm blind drunk and have just vomited on the toilet floor, I'm not usually thick enough to argue with a bloke whose arms are as wide as my thighs.

The best security are the invisible. You shouldn't even notice us or 'see us work'. The idea is that security addresses issues before it becomes a problem.
Now you mention it, I agree. The only times I've ever actually seen security get involved is when fights happen very spontaneously, with little prior warning. One second things are fine and dandy, the next there's grappling and punching etc.

Even so, bouncers usually get to the scene sharpish. Given the amount of lairy people around on any given night the rarity with which I see stuff like that must testify to a job well done by the security, removing idiots before they get a chance to wreck the place/each others faces.

Or maybe I just go to classier places, but I doubt that very much :p
 

What Do I Care

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This is a long story so bear with me.

More than a few years ago in the social hub town of Kilmarnock, me and my friends where out for our annual Christmas eve Chinese meal and piss up. We decided to go to the newest club/bar in town called the riverbank. Get there at about 11:30pm and the queue is at least a good 100 metres long. We decide to just go for it and join the line in. After about 15 minutes we are nearly in and my best mate tells me they are not letting anyone with trainers and I am of course wearing my Adidas superstars.

With out question I take my trainers and black socks off, put my trainers back on and pull the sock's tight over them. (by this point I had several joints and shots of whiskey to convince me this was a good idea).

So we get up to the bouncers and they stop me. "Those are some interesting shoes pal", "yeah there moccasin's, like the kind David Beckham wears", "is that right?", "aye". And score they let me in just like that.

I feel like a fucking stealthy master of speech craft, then I look down. And ever other person with a swinging dick is wearing the brightest white trainers I have ever seen. "Fucking lying SOB" I say to my mate, and turn around to see the bouncers pissing them self's and calling me a gullible ****.

It gets better, the bar is so busy none us can get any were near it, so my group of so called friends, after 10 minutes say fuck it and lets go somewhere else.

We gather outside just as it turns 12pm and it starts to rain.

I still cant face going back to the river bank just in case the bouncers recognise me as socks over shoes man.

Best Christmas ever.
 

keiji_Maeda

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I stood the lonely vigil a couple of times. (IE took money consentingly to stand in the door)

And on the more hilarious side i always prefered the "Do you even KNOW WHO I AM!" The best was from a mid thirties Smoking clad portly man ordering Cristal and then vomiting on the bar. When i grabbed him and tried to gently escort him out of the premises, i was informed that A) Not only would i regret this poorly conceived notion that i was allowed to manhandle him but that B) He knew "XX" (local MMA fighter of some international notoriety) and it was poorly though to accost him in that manner.

I was dumbfounded, and then gently escorted him into the loving arms of the bobs.

But still, i can't hear those words without cracking up to this day.
 

MeChaNiZ3D

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I've always wondered what an appropriate bribe would be for different situations. But you'd think a sane person would estimate somewhere above $2.10.
 

BlackFlyme

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Dirty Hipsters said:
I figured it was either Canada or the UK. Americans have a thing against being searched randomly, especially by people who aren't law enforcement and have no training.
Two of my friends have worked as bouncers, and I can assure you that they needed several forms of training in self-defence and first aid, and had to be able to prove they had a clean criminal record before they were even allowed to apply for the necessary security courses needed to actually get their bouncing licenses.

That being said, I don't ever recall them ever having any interesting stories about when they worked.