Note: I watched Twilight so you don't have to!
Agony. This one word effectively sums up Twilight without exaggeration. More of an endurance test than an actual film, Twilight fails to impress on any level.
I?ve never read Stephanie Meyer?s novels about the love between a human girl and a vampire boy, largely because my imagining of a vampire involves the creature bursting into flames in sunlight and not sparkling as if a barrel of glitter had just been dumped on them. Vampires are supposed to be soulless nocturnal beasts that prey on the harmless and stupid humans of the world, not vegetarian pussies who play baseball in the rain or hop around the treetops. I thought that was the allure of vampires for sexually frustrated females in the first place? That they are tortured and misunderstood shells that would just as easily rip out your jugular as they would write you angsty poetry in eyeliner and brood over you for eternity. You remove that, and they become miserable sad sacks with the compelling force of a fridge-magnet. Thus the chief failing of Meyer?s vampires is that they are not badass and ethereal, just wimpy and pathetic.
Seventeen year old Isabella Swan moved from Arizona to the shady and sleepy little town of Forks Washington, possibly because of her inability to tan well. Here, she meets the Cullens, a clan of covert vampires of similar complexion who remain isolated from the community. Not for any particularly sinister reason though, it?s just the way they are. About an hour and a half of atrocious dialogue later, Isabella becomes the target of a rogue pair of vampires named James and Victoria who become terribly bored with un-life and decide to try and murder Isabella because? I don?t know. Maybe they like a challenge? The narrative, much like everything else about the film, isn?t handled very well.
Shouldn?t you be on fire right now?
The dialogue is horrendous. There are times where the lines and their delivery warrant an audible screech of disgust because they?re so awful:
Edward Cullen: ?Hello. I?m sorry I didn?t get a chance to introduce myself last week. I?m Edward Cullen. You?re Bella??
Bella Swan: ?Um? Yes.?
Edward Cullen: (While sliding a microscope to Bella) ?Ladies first.?
Bella Swan: ?You were gone.?
Edward Cullen: ?Um? Yeah. I was out of town for a couple of days. Personal reasons?
Bella Swan: (Pointing out the first stage of mitosis) ?Um. Prophase.?
Edward Cullen: (Reaching for the microscope) ?Do you mind if I? Uh? Look? (Checking the microscope) Prophase...?
Bella Swan: ?Like I said.?
This is the first exchange in the history of Bella and Edward, speaking together as if they were a long standing couple, yet utterly contrived and devoid of any appreciable conviction. Every character - be they vampire, human, or confused parent - speaks like this. Every character has the same confused attitude and disposition, lacing any vulgarity or passion. Having to listen to this for two hours is torture.
Additionally, the pacing is clumsy and erratic. There are sections of awful banter that appear to drag on endlessly. Significant action does not occur until the eighty minute mark, which renders the first chunk of the film boring, and the last bits rushed and unsatisfying. The special effects of the film, notably the pieces where a vampire is running and jumping in an attempt to seem menacing or cool, aren?t even worthy of an episode of Heroes. The whole film lacks polish, as if no one in post production paid attention to how the film looks or flows.
The built in audience of not just adolescent girls, but women in general, ensures the demand for additional adaptations of the other books, but are these people blind to the level contempt the creators of Twilight impressed on them? The film is not just poor as a matter of opinion, but poor as a matter of overall quality. Granted, a lot of this has to do with the very restricting $30,000,000 budget. Considering the financial aspect, Twilight seems more like a cash grab than an actual film; an attempt to milk an audience with no concept of quality or sense of taste. To that effect (and that effect only) does Twilight stand as a success, and the film proves this by grossing enough to pay for itself four times over in three short weeks. The only people who stand a chance of liking this movie are the people who are already a fan of the series, and it?s a very slim chance at that.
Twilight
Agony. This one word effectively sums up Twilight without exaggeration. More of an endurance test than an actual film, Twilight fails to impress on any level.
I?ve never read Stephanie Meyer?s novels about the love between a human girl and a vampire boy, largely because my imagining of a vampire involves the creature bursting into flames in sunlight and not sparkling as if a barrel of glitter had just been dumped on them. Vampires are supposed to be soulless nocturnal beasts that prey on the harmless and stupid humans of the world, not vegetarian pussies who play baseball in the rain or hop around the treetops. I thought that was the allure of vampires for sexually frustrated females in the first place? That they are tortured and misunderstood shells that would just as easily rip out your jugular as they would write you angsty poetry in eyeliner and brood over you for eternity. You remove that, and they become miserable sad sacks with the compelling force of a fridge-magnet. Thus the chief failing of Meyer?s vampires is that they are not badass and ethereal, just wimpy and pathetic.
Seventeen year old Isabella Swan moved from Arizona to the shady and sleepy little town of Forks Washington, possibly because of her inability to tan well. Here, she meets the Cullens, a clan of covert vampires of similar complexion who remain isolated from the community. Not for any particularly sinister reason though, it?s just the way they are. About an hour and a half of atrocious dialogue later, Isabella becomes the target of a rogue pair of vampires named James and Victoria who become terribly bored with un-life and decide to try and murder Isabella because? I don?t know. Maybe they like a challenge? The narrative, much like everything else about the film, isn?t handled very well.
Shouldn?t you be on fire right now?
The dialogue is horrendous. There are times where the lines and their delivery warrant an audible screech of disgust because they?re so awful:
Edward Cullen: ?Hello. I?m sorry I didn?t get a chance to introduce myself last week. I?m Edward Cullen. You?re Bella??
Bella Swan: ?Um? Yes.?
Edward Cullen: (While sliding a microscope to Bella) ?Ladies first.?
Bella Swan: ?You were gone.?
Edward Cullen: ?Um? Yeah. I was out of town for a couple of days. Personal reasons?
Bella Swan: (Pointing out the first stage of mitosis) ?Um. Prophase.?
Edward Cullen: (Reaching for the microscope) ?Do you mind if I? Uh? Look? (Checking the microscope) Prophase...?
Bella Swan: ?Like I said.?
This is the first exchange in the history of Bella and Edward, speaking together as if they were a long standing couple, yet utterly contrived and devoid of any appreciable conviction. Every character - be they vampire, human, or confused parent - speaks like this. Every character has the same confused attitude and disposition, lacing any vulgarity or passion. Having to listen to this for two hours is torture.
Additionally, the pacing is clumsy and erratic. There are sections of awful banter that appear to drag on endlessly. Significant action does not occur until the eighty minute mark, which renders the first chunk of the film boring, and the last bits rushed and unsatisfying. The special effects of the film, notably the pieces where a vampire is running and jumping in an attempt to seem menacing or cool, aren?t even worthy of an episode of Heroes. The whole film lacks polish, as if no one in post production paid attention to how the film looks or flows.
The built in audience of not just adolescent girls, but women in general, ensures the demand for additional adaptations of the other books, but are these people blind to the level contempt the creators of Twilight impressed on them? The film is not just poor as a matter of opinion, but poor as a matter of overall quality. Granted, a lot of this has to do with the very restricting $30,000,000 budget. Considering the financial aspect, Twilight seems more like a cash grab than an actual film; an attempt to milk an audience with no concept of quality or sense of taste. To that effect (and that effect only) does Twilight stand as a success, and the film proves this by grossing enough to pay for itself four times over in three short weeks. The only people who stand a chance of liking this movie are the people who are already a fan of the series, and it?s a very slim chance at that.