Understanding Polygamy

Queen Michael

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DizzyChuggernaut said:
We all have our preferences and as long as it involves consenting adults, go for it.
Thank goodness you didn't specify the species of the adults. I'm in the clear.
 

prowll

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Paradox SuXcess said:
[Insert catchy intro here]

And the understand continues in my young but ageing life.

Polygamy
noun
the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time.
Yes, I am a few thousand years late on that subject but it still has me wondering how it works outside of religion. As any of us in our young development mind were told, "Marriage is between one man and one woman" and may have believed that was true. No, not entirely true. Marriages/relationships comes in many different shapes and sizes. Interracial marriages/relationships, same sex marriages/relationships are becoming more accepted in today's society than it was 50 years ago and that's a great thing. Yes, there is still a lot of negative tension by those who oppose it but the world is becoming more open minded.

However, what isn't talked about much or just seems "taboo" is polygamy. In certain cultures it's normal. The more wives you have, the more blessed you are. Or even the bigger your household, the better God shares his blessing and good fortune. I can't really judge that cause I do not know much about that.

A few years ago, I had an ex who wondered and desired to have two boyfriends at the same time. Two people to love her and she loved them both. Many questions can come from that, mostly, "can you love two people at the same time"? Could you? No, I am not talking about open relationships where one person has flings with someone else outside of the relationship OR having a kinky swingers party once in a while. I am talking about starting a deep relationship with two people. Having all three agree to love one another and maybe grow into something more. Unfortunately marriage may not be the answer cause in many countries, polygamy is illegal.

Two men and one woman, one man and two women, maybe same gendered polygamy relationship. It doesn't have to be 3 but 4. Okay let's stick to three. So allow me to ask, what would your reaction be if your partner wanted to try a polygamous relationship? Would it be something that bothered you? Something you are open too? Have you, yourself, even been in a polygamous relationship or currently in one? Or is the simple answer, love is love and it's something you just can't control.

There is no judging here cause this is an open discussion and respecting opinions and views is something I am about and I know others can be too.
Yeah...no.

I've been with a woman that had two men in her life. Then the third guy showed up...We broke up, keeping it as friends, and then she moved out, and moved in with me... and the fourth guy came about...

We are barely on speaking terms, and this was a relationship where at least there was no 'running around' behind the others back. Personally, I say keep it simple, one ... well, one and one, and find someone that's totally into you, and you are into.
(Currently happily married for several years.)
 

Phuctifyno

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Blow_Pop said:
Now, I'm not poly. I think I *could* be with someone I actually trusted who gave a shit about me. But I don't know. At the same time I'm a very jealous and possessive person so I'm fairly sure I'm not poly. But I also have a lot of friends who are poly....actually most of my friends are come to think of it.....
This is actually a really good example of why communication is key. Jealousy is an easy trait to both vilify or praise in a relationship, but there's nothing inherently wrong or right about it. It's about being able to identify and communicate what's inside you to your partner(s) and their ability to reciprocate. There's no need to bring ideologies into the mix (granted, it is possible for people to build an entirely successful relationship around an ideology, but I think their mutual proclivity for it does a lot of the heavy lifting that real communication would otherwise have to do - in other words, they get lucky).

Or like my last relationship where he just wanted to fuck everyone under the sun without being safe about it or giving a shit about my feelings and I was barely allowed out to see my friends let alone even consider having sex with someone else (he called it poly but let's just call it what it was: an abusive relationship where he wants to feel less guilty about cheating).
That's pretty shitty. Glad to hear you were able to see it for what it was and get out.
 

Phuctifyno

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Worgen said:
I'm just gonna link this cracked article from someone who escaped a polygamy cult.

http://www.cracked.com/article_19595_5-things-i-learned-as-mormon-polygamist-wife.html
lol. I read it right before popping over here and seeing this thread. I wonder if the article inspired it.

inu-kun said:
No, it will almost always not work out,
This is true of any relationship.
 

Phuctifyno

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DevilWithaHalo said:
I'm a huge fan of chicken. It's amazing the ways you can cook it. You can grill, BBQ, microwave, dice, strip, add it to salads, sandwhiches, etc. It's healthy for you, tastes great, and I could eat it every day.

But sometimes, I need a steak. A nice New York Pepper Steak. Bloody, thick and covered in a nice wine sauce.

Wanting that steak doesn't change the way I feel about chicken. I could even have chicken and steak in the same day.

So if I eat chicken, am I suddenly not allowed to eat steak anymore? There's lots of chicken out there.

I use food metaphors a lot. Now I was some chicken... and some steak.
Man, you made my mouth water so much with this post. I need to have sex with at least one of these meats before the day is done.
 

Hieronymusgoa

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The only real boyfriend (relationship lasting a year) I had and me, we were open from the beginning. It is very much less uncommon between gay guys (at least openly lived) it seems to me. I never had an issue with him having sex with others, I did the same.
For me a relationship was and is more about making dinner with him, going on vacation, watching TV on the couch and stuff like that. Somehow I never saw a problem with the arrangement. He might have overdone it from time to time but then it was somehow his problem with needing too much validation from sex in general but he had that issue before and after the relationship.
Problems we had were typical ones in a relationship like how much time we spend together, what we have planned in our lives or our very different takes on politics and religion for example.

Since we had some sexual urges which didnt really work with the other one it was one way to actually have less trouble in the relationship because everybody was free to pursue his interests there separately from time to time. But like I said many gay guys separate sex with love and sex for kicks quite easily and so did we. I know gay couples who are monogamous and some who are not. The way you handle sex only has to work for both, that is important. So we talked about basically everything in our relationship at length. And we even had some more good sex after we broke up.
 

Chris Moses

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thaluikhain said:
Chris Moses said:
I am in a same-sex 3-way relationship. Me and partner #1 have been together for 19 years. Our "third" has been a part of our family for 9 years. We sleep in the same bed.
Might seem like an odd question, but how does that work? Three in a bed seems like someone would be stuck in the middle and wouldn't be able to get out without climbing over or waking someone.
The guy in the middle crawls into and out from the middle, I guess the rest of us are heavy enough sleepers that it doesn't bother us.
 

Johnny Novgorod

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I think a lot of people WANT it to work, and for a while it may seem like it does, but in the long run it doesn't.
Kind of like any one-on-one relationships, but I think those have a better chance at lasting.
 

dragonswarrior

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Something I'm seeing a lot of in this thread... A whole bunch of people that are focusing on the negative aspects of relationships and how those would all be magnified in a poly-amorous relationship.

You do realize that applies to the good stuff too right?

I can only speak for my own, but a really large part of how me and my partners made it through the initial rough spots in becoming poly is because we all had at least two other folks we could lean on for support and help. When I get home from a rough day at work I get three hugs and two kisses. And three different sets of sympathetic ears. Three sets of good advice rooted in love and care and support. Three people that I can completely be myself around and be accepted and loved for it.

That's a frickin' high folks. In a hardcore way. I don't think I could ever express how insanely awesome my relationship is.

The sex is nice too.

Finances are easier as well. All four of us have jobs, and we're able to afford a really nice place that we totally wouldn't have been able to as just couples.
 

Parasondox

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dragonswarrior said:
Something I'm seeing a lot of in this thread... A whole bunch of people that are focusing on the negative aspects of relationships and how those would all be magnified in a poly-amorous relationship.

You do realize that applies to the good stuff too right?

I can only speak for my own, but a really large part of how me and my partners made it through the initial rough spots in becoming poly is because we all had at least two other folks we could lean on for support and help. When I get home from a rough day at work I get three hugs and two kisses. And three different sets of sympathetic ears. Three sets of good advice rooted in love and care and support. Three people that I can completely be myself around and be accepted and loved for it.

That's a frickin' high folks. In a hardcore way. I don't think I could ever express how insanely awesome my relationship is.

The sex is nice too.

Finances are easier as well. All four of us have jobs, and we're able to afford a really nice place that we totally wouldn't have been able to as just couples.
Many focused on the good or even both to give how their experience was like in the beginning. For you and others it works. No major problems, all the rough edges smoothened out in the beginning and trust established. However, for other it wouldn't work for them cause they had tried it out themselves and things didn't work out too well or just prefer being with just one person or just themselves. The good, the bad, and even the ugly side of trying to attempt such relationship has been expressed in this thread and I appreciate and respect everyone's answers and responses.

It's also great that you are your partners are happy and open about the relationship and trust you have for each other which is the most important thing to any relationship. Clear communication and trust. Those two are also the final few puzzle pieces of love that some may not realise.
 

someonehairy-ish

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It's not like people have a finite amount of love and only have enough for one person. There are plenty of polyamorous people who make it work.

That said, it wouldn't work unless everyone involved really cares about each other, otherwise it's going to fall about very fast.
 

Jux

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Sounds like a lot to handle, I'd rather just devote myself to one person totally. I know a few people in open relationships, not the same kinda of set up though as the OP describes. One couple I know are swingers, and another friend of mine is a domme, her b/f is cool that she has 'play buddies', but for the most part I think she puts it to them, not the other way around.

I think it takes a certain frame of mind to be ok with a poly relationship. Open communication is a must (as it is for any relationship imo), but also very low inclinations towards jealousy.

Queen Michael, sorry to hear you went through that.
 

Kinokohatake

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Been in an open relationship with my wife for 5 years now. The amount of honesty and communication is INSANE to keep this thing going. If you have trust issues, jealousy issues, or any past issues, this may not be the relationship type for you. But it's amazing for me and mine.
 

Johnny Novgorod

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What's not to understand? You marry or fuck more than one person at the same time, and everybody's okay with it.
 

Dragonbums

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Of the people I follow on tumblr I only know of one person who has been in a pretty successful polygamous relationship with two men (and a couple of women coming and going depending on how their friendship turns out.)


I would honestly say that it takes a very particular person to be able to do it. For one, all parties involved (at least for them so this is hardly a standard.) seem to put a lot more emphasis on just being HONEST and openly communicating with each other about issues or other feeling developments. For instance if one of the men really wanted to bang someone else, he would simply have to notify everyone else of this. If the other two have a problem with it then they can sit down and at least discuss it. But a heads up is really the only requirement.

That's what it really boils down to for this person (one woman two man group.), and like all relationships they've had their ups and downs but in general being blunt, open, honest, and clear about your feelings and intentions.

If your going to start harboring "I thought I was the special one." feelings than your gonna have a super hard time. The fact of the matter is that everyone in the group is the "special one" so asking which partner prefers who over the over is the fastest way to end these kinds of things.

Think of it like this. If you were pulled in to the group for this kind of relationship anyway it's solely because the person in question has just as much of a special spot for you as they do with the others in the group.