UPDATED!!!! Is she being selfish to want a baby??

[Trivun]

Simple answer: At that age, she probably is being selfish, more so on society than on her partner. The world's population is increasing and people are living longer, particularly in the Western world. At the same time, more specialised jobs mean that the onset of productive adulthood comes later. As such, twenty years old is too young in a modern industrialised society to have children. Enough said.

Exactly. I'm 20 now, in university in the UK, and have a part-time job working 12 hours a week plus whatever overtime I can do without destroying my social life, and I would personally much prefer to wait until at least my mid-twenties before considering kids. Of course, for that I need a girlfriend, but even so, if I was in the guy's position that the OP suggests I would want my partner to be 100% truthful. If I was that guy and knew my girlfriend had stopped taking the Pill, then I'd just stop having sex with her, or more likely make her agree to me wearing condoms, otherwise no sex. At the end of the day, the guy is still in uni, he's young, and as a potential father he deserves the right to decide whether or not to have kids. The girl is completely in the wrong, and OP, you should make sure he knows (discreetly of course) so he understands the risk that she is putting him and herself through.

Besides, it's unfair on the potential child too, to be born into a family where the dad doesn't necessarily want it, and where there isn't likely to be any source of proper steady income and thus a fairly low quality of life. He's still a student, after all. You shouldn't have a baby you can't afford to look after, no matter how broody the girl might be...

Bottom line - yes, she is being selfish, and a cold-hearted manipulative ***** too. Simple as that.

 

[2fish]

1. A lie that big is the way to ruin a relationship and lives.

2. Can they afford a kid, they are not cheap pets, start with a gerbil work your way up.

3. What the fuck is going through her head?

4. If the guy is mad or hurt by this he may leave her and the kid since it was not his choice to have the kid and she withheld info.

5. Slap her for me? The last girl I knew that tried this shit needed someone to drag her kicking and screming to fix the situation or lives would be ruined.

 

[Vrach]

Why the hell are you all blaming HER for jeopardising the guy's future by saddling him with kids and ruining his chances at college...

...when he's sleeping with her without using a condom?

Seriously fellas, I don't give a shit what your partner/girlfriend/fuck-buddy tells you. If you don't want kids, or aren't ready to have kids, WRAP IT UP. It's YOUR responsibility, if children would mess up your life, to make sure none of your swimmers make it to home base.

You do realise there's more than one contraceptive in the world right? The OP said, she's on the pill and wanting to/going off it without telling the boyfriend.

 

[krimson_dropz]

*sigh*... My mate has just left, and im at a loss of what to say or do now so i'll ask you guys.

My mate is 19, same as me though will be turning 20 in December. She is in a long term relationship with a great guy, they've been together for 9months now and he's just turned 20 this month.
She came to me confused as she's decided she wants a baby and knew that i do also so thought i could help. Her partner is willing for kids as is mine, but, like mine, he wants to finish his Uni course and get a full time job. He told her he'd be happy if she fell pregnant, but scared at what it could do to them. She however already has it all planned out.
She's even more confused because he sleeps with her even when he knows she isnt protected, and isnt phased when she jokes on about might being pregnant.

Here is my dilemma...

She's on the combined pill, and has decided to stop taking it, and let nature take its course. He doesnt know about it and she doesnt want to tell him as she thinks he might leave her or reject any child that might come of it. Obviously she's asked me to keep it secret but i dont want to see him get hurt as a result of it. I love both of them like family, and i dont know what to do... Yes i can see she has it worked out in a way that would probably work for them both, but im not sure she realises the emotional and physical strain a baby will do to him during his last years of Uni...

Ive decided to ask you all this as i know there are adults and probably broody teens on here who can tell me what i should do, or at least persuade her she's being unreasonable and unfair to him at this time. Or maybe im just paranoid =/

EDIT: Failed to mention they're living together also in a 2 bed flat.

yeah thats not cool she should tell him because well it should be half his decsision. trust me on this i was the result of an accident. i feel well resented sometimes, imagine if it wasn't an accident but active deception on my father hw much i would feel resented its not good for the kid.
anyone laughs i swear to god i'll drag them behing a trukk

 

[nofear220]

She's on the combined pill, and has decided to stop taking it, and let nature take its course. He doesnt know about it and she doesnt want to tell him as she thinks he might leave her or reject any child that might come of it. Obviously she's asked me to keep it secret but i dont want to see him get hurt as a result of it. I love both of them like family, and i dont know what to do... Yes i can see she has it worked out in a way that would probably work for them both, but im not sure she realises the emotional and physical strain a baby will do to him during his last years of Uni...

Im 17 but please dont judge my advice on that fact. Get into contact with her IMMEDIATELY and straight up tell her that if she does not tell him about this you will, because you dont want to see either of them hurt. A baby at this point would be a life-ruiner for both of them (Never being able to get out of debt, trouble keeping up with school/finding a good enough job). If she still doesnt tell him, do it for her, he will be mad but trust me that there is no chance of them breaking up over that. Hopefully they get it all sorted out before its too late, because she doesn't seem like the type to accept abortion.

Personally, Id never even think of a child until I was holding down a good job and in my 30's.

 

[Cyberwulf]

EDIT: Condoms are fine, but in every relationship there reaches a point where you trust one another enough to go without

No, there comes a point where the guy can't be bothered any more and expects the girl to chemically spay herself because condoms make his wee-wee uncomfortable.

guys don't want kids- they concede to them.

Crap.

It's also funny that you can go to prison for sleeping someone knowing you have aids and not telling them... but women not telling men they stopped taking their birth control is the reason half the people in this country are here.

Children - JUST LIKE AIDS

THE CHILD SUPPORT IS LIKE DEATH

ps did the men not have the option of condoms or vasectomies?


OP - I'd prepare to lose one or both of them as friends. Because she's involved you in this whole mess, there's no way to stay friends with both of them. If you tell him, you'll lose her and maybe him too; if you don't tell him and he finds out, you'll lose him.

 

[The Seldom Seen Kid]

Out of those two options, I only see one potentially ruining someone's life.

Go for it.

Don't, obviously.
Just tell the dude she's off the pill.

 

[Danglybits]

She is tossing his future away so she can get what she wants, and after giving her a reason why they should not and she still continues to attempt to get pregnant.

So she is lying and destroying his future so she can have a baby? Yaaaaah I have a feeling this will not end well.

Agreed, but I think she's fucking up her future and the potential baby's just as much as this guy's.

Yup - selfish. A baby is a living being that needs to be provided for and if your partner doesn't want to have a kid (even if it's only 'not right now') and you do you either need to respect them and wait with them or go find someone who wants to have a baby now. I think the OP said they were together for 9mons, yeah you know each other well enough to make a family together -- wait, no.

 

[Sprong]

Obviously she's asked me to keep it secret

Fail. Fail, fail, a hundred times fail. You do not do things like this to your partner. That is complete and utter deceptive bullshit, which is clearly a great foundation for a relationship that's about to get bombed by a fucking accidental baby.

Seriously, what in the Hell is wrong with your friend?

Absolutely this. What happened to trusting your partner to understand your point of view, even if they don't agree? If she doesn't feel comfortable enough with her partner to discuss it openly, she certainly shouldn't be having a child with him! At least, not yet.

If her partner is 'the one' for her, he will not immediately reject her for suggesting a family if he disagrees. If he does immediately reject her, then obviously they want different things, and it would have been a bad idea to begin with.

A forced family is a terrible idea.

EDIT: Oh yeah, OT: in your position, I would tell her she absolutely must tell him of her plans, and threaten to tell him myself if necessary - although it would be better coming from her.

 

[Daveman]

Tell her she's evil and fucking mental. As a man, I'd be terrified and hurt that I had no part in the decision making process and not just that but having it taken right out of my hands. Obviously I wouldn't blame the kid but I could never love anyone who would do that. What's more I might as well just be a sperm donor if she just wants a kid regardless of how the relationship turns out. It shows she doesn't care for me at all.

Just to reiterate; evil and mental.

 

[ultrachicken]

snip

If she thinks that tricking him into getting her pregnant, despite his wishes, is going to keep this relationship healthy than she's got another thing coming. Tell her that either her or her boyfriend or both of them need to get a well paying, stable job before having a baby. And she's going to stress out her boyfriend during his last years of uni if he's got to look after the baby.

 

[Cyberwulf]

Why the hell are you all blaming HER for jeopardising the guy's future by saddling him with kids and ruining his chances at college...

...when he's sleeping with her without using a condom?

Seriously fellas, I don't give a shit what your partner/girlfriend/fuck-buddy tells you. If you don't want kids, or aren't ready to have kids, WRAP IT UP. It's YOUR responsibility, if children would mess up your life, to make sure none of your swimmers make it to home base.

You do realise there's more than one contraceptive in the world right? The OP said, she's on the pill and wanting to/going off it without telling the boyfriend.

How many contraceptives can GUYS use? Because I was talking about the GUY. Maybe you'd know that if you'd actually bothered to READ my post.

Seriously, it's like none of you people realise that the number one cause of pregnancy is putting your penis in a woman's vagina.

 

[skywalkerlion]

Your friend's an idiot. Who the fuck would betray their partner's trust like that for such a selfish reason?

So yeah, I personally would go tell her boyfriend.

 

[Danglybits]

EDIT: Condoms are fine, but in every relationship there reaches a point where you trust one another enough to go without

No, there comes a point where the guy can't be bothered any more and expects the girl to chemically spay herself because condoms make his wee-wee uncomfortable.

guys don't want kids- they concede to them.

Crap.

It's also funny that you can go to prison for sleeping someone knowing you have aids and not telling them... but women not telling men they stopped taking their birth control is the reason half the people in this country are here.

Children - JUST LIKE AIDS

THE CHILD SUPPORT IS LIKE DEATH

ps did the men not have the option of condoms or vasectomies?


OP - I'd prepare to lose one or both of them as friends. Because she's involved you in this whole mess, there's no way to stay friends with both of them. If you tell him, you'll lose her and maybe him too; if you don't tell him and he finds out, you'll lose him.

Completely agree on everything. Funny and right. About that crap about trusting each other enough not to wear condoms -- even if that were valid, if she's going to lie about her pills then they clearly aren't there.

 

[Danman1]

Extremely selfish. Some women just get really strong compulsions to have a baby at around their early 20's. (I'm not being a misogynist prick when I say that, I swear)

 

[Kevonovitch]

as a father: goddamn she's stupid, school first, otherwise your setting yourself up to be fucked harshly later in life, and very soon in life.

as a dude: dump her dumbass, goddamn >_> tell the guy she's banging whats going on, and get the hell outa there b4 it all blows up and goes downhill a year, or maybe less than that from now.

 

[Robert632]

In my opinion(please note that I'm a guy, and only 16, and not in a relationship, so I probably shouldn't even be judging this kind of decision) that being selfish isn't the problem, it's moreso that she's being...well, for lack of a better word, stupid. Instead of doing the logical thing and waiting till they are finacially well-off enough to afford a baby, so that both she, her boyfriend, and the eventual child would have a decent life, she's instead deciding to have a child now, with the most likely effect being her and her family having a less then decent life. And not only is this a monumentally stupid act, but she's being increadlibly dishonest about to, not telling her boyfriend about it at all.

EDIT:If you want my advce, you should go talk to the girl, and at least try to convince her to tell her boyfriend. If that doesn't work, tell him yourself. He deserves to know what he's getting in to.

 

[Standby]

Simple answer: She's a fucking moron. Seriously. The very idea that she's concocted this plan in an effort to trap her boyfriend (20 quid says he runs a fucking mile first chance he gets, and lets be honest who would blame the guy).
It's not the fucking 1800's anymore, why you would possibly want to have a kid this young boggles the mind, you owe it to her to make her see sense.

 

[Canid117]

Snip

Angry Feminazi Ahoy!

 

[Cyberwulf]

Snip

Angry Feminazi Ahoy!

Remember folks, expecting guys to take some responsibility to ensure they don't have kids they don't want is just what Hitler did. Big fan of condoms, old Adolf. Next I'll suggest that it's maybe not a good idea to screw someone you've only known nine months if you're not prepared for the possibility of pregnancy, which is just what Pol Pot used to say.