What would be considered "Too Picky/Selective" when dating (or in a relationship)?

Cycloptomese

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Having had a ton of crumby relationships before, one even ending in divorce... Well, if there's anything I've learned... Shit... Just make sure your partner has a decent credit score. There's nothing worse than being emotionally attached to someone who is financially irresponsible.

Also, today's my 8 year wedding anniversary! I finally hit the jackpot on this last one.
 

Addendum_Forthcoming

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Sounds like you're overthinking it.

I'm going to say health nazis.

I'm an ex-smoker, and the last type of person Iever want to become is oneof those reformed smokers. You know the type. Frankly those people are pretty fucking grating. The type of people that pretend your moral worth somehow comes down to because you enjoy a fag every now and again? Also doesn't help when the last one I met was on antidepressants and painkillers yet seems to be moving around just fine at the party, and didn't seem to register the irony.

Apparently some people are so miserable they want to make others feel guilty for whatever vices at the end of the day aren't real vices.

Of which leads me to my next point .... people more often than not overthink stuff like this.

I like to think as a person I've changed over the years I've been alived. I was an angry gutter rat in my teens, and 17 years later I'm a different person. Sure, in a Freudian sense you could probably attach a number of neuroses to some abandonment issues because I had garbage parents. And they're certainly bigger problems than whether I was a smoker or not. Like an insatiable compulsion to check my finances every week. Rigourously ... because a part of me never wants to remember the nuances of using cardboard as insulation again, and just how often you can sleep on it before it's too crushed to actual help keep your precious bodyheat leeching into the ground.

Overall everyone is a bag of 100 cats tearing at eachother and at the seams, and making a bloody mess of things.

Everything important about a person is bigger than whether they enjoy a cigarette or a glass of wine.

And it damn well pays to remember that... not simply to being a better person, but a more careful person. Because no one 'perfect on paper' ends up being seen that way longterm.

Given that's pretty much everybody already a bag of 100 cats making abloody mess of things wherever they go, to quantify in the first place what you actually want in a partner can never be so important as the true mess of neuroses that already exists there ... just lurking, waiting for conflict.

People are overthinking it ... in short.

My partner will have to live with the fact that even if we share an abode, it's going to be in my name. I"ll pay for it. But it's mine. Not ours. That roof is mine. I bled for one. It's mine. MY roof. Just like it's my money. Mine to command.

And it's neuroses like that that are bigger than any cigarette. Some people will gel with that and won't mind a partner that ruthlessly sits ontop of their money like Smaug ontop of the treasure hoard. You know ... they take care of their bills, I take care of mine, and if we ever split up itwill be financially neat and tidy.


Of course some people might find that a turn off that a person's trust may only go so far, and will certainly not go so far as to leave one emotionally and financially endangered in the worst possible scenario.

Also, I hate cooking. I loathe it. The only kitchen utencil I know how to use is the microwave and the kettle.

That's it. If you're sick, I'll heat canned minestrone for you. I am not going to cook. I own precisely one saucepan and it came with the apartment.

You could be a world class chef, and make me the greatest dinner in the world, but do be prepared by the fact that I often eat uncooked rolled oats outof a glass and fresh fruit for breakfast. My tastebuds think takeaway Indian food is the best possible dinner that can be. I am not going to be able to recognize or understand your genius in the kitchen.

So don't get angry at me when I can't seem to appreciate beyond your effort and effort alone whatever culinary delights you have prepared ...

------

Seeing where I'm going with this?

Discovering all these things about a person is a bit harder than a checklist will allow.
 

Basement Cat

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It seems that I've met the "woman of my dreams".

We go out on a date.

I discover that she likes Pepsi.

I like Coke.

[small]It's over between us.[/small]
 

Trunkage

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Cycloptomese said:
Also, today's my 8 year wedding anniversary! I finally hit the jackpot on this last one.
Congrats.

My 8 year anniversary was last week too.
 

Chewster

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Addendum_Forthcoming said:
I'm going to say health nazis.

I'm an ex-smoker, and the last type of person Iever want to become is oneof those reformed smokers. You know the type. Frankly those people are pretty fucking grating. The type of people that pretend your moral worth somehow comes down to because you enjoy a fag every now and again? Also doesn't help when the last one I met was on antidepressants and painkillers yet seems to be moving around just fine at the party, and didn't seem to register the irony.

Apparently some people are so miserable they want to make others feel guilty for whatever vices at the end of the day aren't real vices.
Throughout my youth I noticed that straightedgers were some of the most sanctimonious, obnoxious people around. This one dick I knew was an RA in my uni residence and basically a power-tripping nerd who was anti everything. He wore all black because he didn't engage in petty pursuits like fashion, talked down to anyone who had ever pirated anything and converted to being muslim I'm 100% convinced to be a rebel. And of course he was vegan. He used to be really shitty to anyone who drank at all and would pull that moronic "I don't want to alter my brain chemistry" garbage. I was like "You have a girlfriend, you fuck on the reg, what the hell do you think that is?" The supremely stupid thing is he used to like, use language associated with drug use to describe what few habits he had. He once talked about getting a "chocolate hangover" after eating too much vegan chocolate. Honestly, you can't make this shit up. People like that can get fucked.

That said, the older people get the less dickish they seem to be. I've made friends more recently who don't drink and they see it as a personal choice and never shame those who do.

As for me and dating, unless someone has some hardcore problems or is just....I don't know, dull or a constant moaner or supremely high maintenance, I'll give them a chance. Unfortunately, being that I'm a professional expat, you end up stuck with a lot of damaged people who moved away from home because they are trying to escape their problems or because they couldn't hack it in the real world. Or maybe I'm the damaged one. Either way, the dating pool is less than ideal. I just like people who are chill and like to enjoy themselves and aren't insecure. Seems reasonable, no?
 

Pyrian

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I refuse to date anybody who'd stoop to dating me.

...Or so I thought for several years. Now I'm married with children, so that's cool.
 

Vanilla ISIS

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"Too picky" would be making "deal breakers" out of things that you yourself are guilty of.
For example, you want your date to be fit and healthy while you are borderline obese.

Having high standards is perfectly fine but you have to adhere to those standards as well, otherwise you're just a hypocrite.
 

Souplex

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My list of requirements beyond the obvious emotional compatibility and attraction that I would expect anyone to have is as follows:
Lives close enough that I can see them when I need to, is removed enough from me that I can not see them when I need to.
Emotionally stable.
Financially independent from me.
Enjoys performing oral sex.
 

Addendum_Forthcoming

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Chewster said:
Throughout my youth I noticed that straightedgers were some of the most sanctimonious, obnoxious people around. This one dick I knew was an RA in my uni residence and basically a power-tripping nerd who was anti everything. He wore all black because he didn't engage in petty pursuits like fashion, talked down to anyone who had ever pirated anything and converted to being muslim I'm 100% convinced to be a rebel. And of course he was vegan. He used to be really shitty to anyone who drank at all and would pull that moronic "I don't want to alter my brain chemistry" garbage. I was like "You have a girlfriend, you fuck on the reg, what the hell do you think that is?" The supremely stupid thing is he used to like, use language associated with drug use to describe what few habits he had. He once talked about getting a "chocolate hangover" after eating too much vegan chocolate. Honestly, you can't make this shit up. People like that can get fucked.

That said, the older people get the less dickish they seem to be. I've made friends more recently who don't drink and they see it as a personal choice and never shame those who do.

As for me and dating, unless someone has some hardcore problems or is just....I don't know, dull or a constant moaner or supremely high maintenance, I'll give them a chance. Unfortunately, being that I'm a professional expat, you end up stuck with a lot of damaged people who moved away from home because they are trying to escape their problems or because they couldn't hack it in the real world. Or maybe I'm the damaged one. Either way, the dating pool is less than ideal. I just like people who are chill and like to enjoy themselves and aren't insecure. Seems reasonable, no?
I get you. The type of people where you want to look them in the eye, crack open a bottle of wine/pack of cigarettes, and just pour a glass/light up... not breaking eye contact, just in the hopes they'll leave? Yeah. I know the type. Do you also have a problem with the 'oblivious tech junkie'?

The people that literally feel the need to post on Facebook that they're having 'lunch with friends' while you're with them. The people that claim they're having difficulties getting a job, you google them and their city of residence, find their Facebook or Twitter feed... and just *show them why*? With pictures of them likely Twittering when they should have been working, starting online fights, and pictures of them drunk and reckless?

It might be because I am a former teacher, but mobile phones are anathema to my patience when you're trying to converse with someone.
 

Chewster

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Addendum_Forthcoming said:
I get you. The type of people where you want to look them in the eye, crack open a bottle of wine/pack of cigarettes, and just pour a glass/light up... not breaking eye contact, just in the hopes they'll leave? Yeah. I know the type. Do you also have a problem with the 'oblivious tech junkie'?

The people that literally feel the need to post on Facebook that they're having 'lunch with friends' while you're with them. The people that claim they're having difficulties getting a job, you google them and their city of residence, find their Facebook or Twitter feed... and just *show them why*? With pictures of them likely Twittering when they should have been working, starting online fights, and pictures of them drunk and reckless?

It might be because I am a former teacher, but mobile phones are anathema to my patience when you're trying to converse with someone.
No, I feel that for sure. Teaching in private acadmies it was a nightmare because it was all business and taking little Miho's phone away meant an annoyed call from a parent/walking revenue stream. Public school is easier because the kids have to go and so their complaints don't matter and now that I'm at uni, who cares? If my students use their phones for stuff other than the occasional translation, I just give them a shitty participation grade.

But I know the type. I'm visiting a friend in Shanghai now and yesterday we screwed up our subway stop twice because he was messing around on his phone and not paying attention. He's better when not on public transit though, so I kind of forgive him for it. He's also a fair bit younger than me, which I think tends to be a factor.

My only vice with smartphones is taking pictures, even when I never post them to any social media (I still have my 2009 California trip pictures on an old laptop somewhere). I tend to take a lot of photos and if I've been drinking, I sometimes go on a tear if there are lots of people around and I remember I have a camera and I end up photographing everying and ignoring everyone. My ex, on the other hand, took tons of pictures sober but never drunk, posted them all to Facebook (even if blurry or they had poor composition) and then would delete them all off her phone right away. Different strokes, I guess.
 

Addendum_Forthcoming

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Chewster said:
No, I feel that for sure. Teaching in private acadmies it was a nightmare because it was all business and taking little Miho's phone away meant an annoyed call from a parent/walking revenue stream. Public school is easier because the kids have to go and so their complaints don't matter and now that I'm at uni, who cares? If my students use their phones for stuff other than the occasional translation, I just give them a shitty participation grade.

But I know the type. I'm visiting a friend in Shanghai now and yesterday we screwed up our subway stop twice because he was messing around on his phone and not paying attention. He's better when not on public transit though, so I kind of forgive him for it. He's also a fair bit younger than me, which I think tends to be a factor.

My only vice with smartphones is taking pictures, even when I never post them to any social media (I still have my 2009 California trip pictures on an old laptop somewhere). I tend to take a lot of photos and if I've been drinking, I sometimes go on a tear if there are lots of people around and I remember I have a camera and I end up photographing everying and ignoring everyone. My ex, on the other hand, took tons of pictures sober but never drunk, posted them all to Facebook (even if blurry or they had poor composition) and then would delete them all off her phone right away. Different strokes, I guess.
The big problem I have is the university is pushing all of us to get a Facebook and Twitter ... for no fucking reason. Well there is a reason, because they want to pretend as if people having 24/7 contact with you is somehow 'putting our best face forward' ....

Fuck off... seriously, our 'best face' would be 'these are my office hours, only these times, and it is your responsibility to treat that contact with respect as you would any professional relationship' ... Not to have lecturers and course co-ordinators get constantly beeped at whenever they turn on their phones because some shithead couldn't be bothered to print off a course outline and their laptop is about to die in the library.

Social media is the least bit social.

I remember one job interview I went to years back, the panelist went; "Odd... I can't seem to find much about you online."

As if that was somehow fucking alien a concept of a person wishing to remain a private individual...

My answer was simple enough; "I'd much keep my professional life and personal life separate. You can't do that very often online... so one must win out." And for some reason they were impressed by that answer. The simple fact that, no, I'm not the type of person that will just sit there Twittering or responding to Facebook, rather I'll be working.

But now I can't even do that .... the technojunkies want me to be as pathetic, OC, and utterly irrational as them and get a 'personable Facebook profile' because of my professional conduct.

So I personally loathe it. I really--really do. It has cut the IQ of humanity by half. Now I get it, not all industries. Media personalities obviously have a certain degree of social exposure. Artists, what have you. But that blurring of theline between private and public individuals shouldn't be broken arbitrarily. Your example of the Shanghai commuter-- totally get where you're comingfrom.I see people get bumped into at Central because they're checking their phones. Almost getting hit by cars and buses at Railway Square because they are constantly looking at their phones.

Phones are no longer fucking phones... they're just social media portals. Hell, I was in one relationship where Facebook was just always in browser on their Samsung Note. It's kind of fucked up.

What the hell do these people do when they can't broadcast to the world that they exist every 10 minutes? Sit there and whimper?
 

gsilver

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I've got two "deal breakers" in my dating profile:
1. Smoking - This should be self-explanatory. No one likes tar on the breath... And those that say that they do are probably trying to quit
2. Already having kids - While I'm undecided on whether or not I want any of my own, I can at least say that the other person already having kids is a huuuuggeeeee wrench to throw into things.

And an unspecified one of needing to test clean for STDs. More people don't have them than do, so this is just good sense.


Am I too picky? I dunno, but it'd be just too much of a stretch to get around the above.

//Lives in an area where it's customary to marry very young and have as many kids as possible... LOTS of divorcees with "baggage" here... Roughly 50% of the single people my age are divorced.
 

Secondhand Revenant

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Lil devils x said:
See now I think asking a guy to not have children is totally unreasonable, but the smoking is completely reasonable. Smoking is not just something that affects the person, it affects how they taste, how their skin tastes and smells, second hand smoke on their skin, hair, clothing, vehicle.. It makes everything about them taste gross. Someone having previous relationships and sex is expected and if one has sex there is the possibility of children happening so I see that as unreasonable to be that as something that defines whether or not they are bad partner. I do not see that impacting whether or not I would have a relationship with guy, and see that as being too much to ask of either a male or female. If you don't expect them to be a virgin or to not have previous relationship that goes along with the territory. A child is part of their family, not something nasty you have to taste. Drugs, smoking, tattoos, beard/ mustache, Body Odor, excessive flatulence, bad manners, swearing, poor hygiene, incompatible sex drive, inadequate conversation, arrogance, superficial, bad sense of humor, or of course being a Trump supporter are all deal breakers on the other hand.
I mean, I assume the point is not wanting to raise kids. That is kind of pretty big in affecting the life of someone's partner too?
 

Secondhand Revenant

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Also pretty sure my current relationship is gonna be the only one I'll be needing ever but like if I had to look for another I probably would just get to know people and not really obsess over deal breaker stuff. More about meeting someone first then deciding I like them then specifically looking for someone to date

Tho one thing that would make an actual relationship unlikely is kids as well, no desire to raise any

Certain ideas and attitudes would make someone an unlikely friend in the first place and I'm more inclined to be friends with someone first before deciding I want them even more involved in my life than that
 

sageoftruth

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I'm pretty new to this. For a long time, I just wasn't interested in a partner. My single life was pretty comfortable, and social enough to leave me with little desire for a partner. Even now, I'm mostly planning on doing it out of curiosity.

As a result, I'm not really sure what's a deal breaker just yet. I'm guessing it would be over-neediness. I like my personal space and me-time. After a social event or a busy day at work, I'm quick to retreat back to my room for some private time. Someone who needs attention 24/7 would probably push me away very fast.
 

PFCboom

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On the great 3-dimensional spectrum of sexual deviancy, there are a number of objectively tame kinks most of us can tolerate. If a milquetoast straight-laced boring person can't handle, say, a foot fetish, I think that can be considered too picky. Similarly, an irredeemable filthy pervert who is utterly turned off by more conventional passion with their SO is also being too picky.

Sometimes, certain addictions can be looked past, compensated for, or even treated. If someone has a problem, it's utter nonsense to ignore all other qualities about that person without even trying to deal with that problem.
My father used to smoke when he was young, but when he started going out with my eventual mother, she stated in no uncertain terms, "quit smoking or we're not happening." So my father tossed his cigars and that was that.
My old 1SG never, ever, ever smoked around his wife or kid; even in -55 degrees in Alaska, he would stand on his back porch to burn one.
 

Lil devils x_v1legacy

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The Decapitated Centaur said:
Lil devils x said:
See now I think asking a guy to not have children is totally unreasonable, but the smoking is completely reasonable. Smoking is not just something that affects the person, it affects how they taste, how their skin tastes and smells, second hand smoke on their skin, hair, clothing, vehicle.. It makes everything about them taste gross. Someone having previous relationships and sex is expected and if one has sex there is the possibility of children happening so I see that as unreasonable to be that as something that defines whether or not they are bad partner. I do not see that impacting whether or not I would have a relationship with guy, and see that as being too much to ask of either a male or female. If you don't expect them to be a virgin or to not have previous relationship that goes along with the territory. A child is part of their family, not something nasty you have to taste. Drugs, smoking, tattoos, beard/ mustache, Body Odor, excessive flatulence, bad manners, swearing, poor hygiene, incompatible sex drive, inadequate conversation, arrogance, superficial, bad sense of humor, or of course being a Trump supporter are all deal breakers on the other hand.
I mean, I assume the point is not wanting to raise kids. That is kind of pretty big in affecting the life of someone's partner too?
Me not wanting to have kids does not mean that I should rule someone out because they have kids. Kids are very much a part of what it means to be human, and without them, we as humans would cease to exist, so yes they are seen as a necessity for human survival and not something that should be viewed as a bad things such as smoking or drug use. They are not the same so I do not treat them the same. I see viewing kids as some how being "a problem" simply because I don't want to give birth to them myself as being a bad thing because they are vital to our existence. Not wanting to have kids yourself =\= caring if someone else has kids, those are actually separate issues. It is " controlling" to expect a person to not have had previous relationships, and with previous relationships kids very well could be involved. I have dated a few men men with kids and I really do think it is being " too picky" to rule them out simply because they had a previous relationship that didn't work out. Now on the other hand if they are running around with kids all over the place with different fathers/ mothers, that is an indication of other issues, not just "oh they have a kid". In that case, it isn't a problem with kids, it is a problem with the person's relationship issues.

I see the problem here is people thinking they can "plan every aspect of their life", and the world does not work that way, it never works that way. Life is full of surprises. What you want now you may be repulsed from 5 years from now. What you plan to do now, you may want to run away from in your future. Sure you can plan things like your choice field of study, where you want to go on vacation, where you want to live but in reality anything can happen. You can be forced to change careers and move due to job availability, you could be in an accident and be forced to have to have others help you.. That is just it, you have no idea what life you will live in the end, we are given limited control. Yes, you can control whether or not you have kids yourself, but to try impose that upon another person I feel is overbearing.


I see them already having kids actually helps me because then at least I won't feel as though I am depriving them of something very basic to human existence by not wanting to have them myself. Sure, they are very much a part of them and have to be accepted along with them, along with the responsibilities but I do not view that as a bad thing, as even in a relationship without kids you still have to accept the responsibilities and life changes that come with each individual. I view it as if not being willing to change your life to rebuild a new life with that person being equally important, then your not really ready for a relationship in the first place. If it is just causal dating where you have no desire to change your life, and you expect them not to change theirs, whether they have kids or not is irrelevant at that point because they will have no long term impact on the relationship. Simply because someone has kids does not mean they expect you to raise them. Now if you are not capable of behaving appropriately around children, that is a psychological issue on your end and you should seek help for it because kids are not going anywhere any time soon, not as long as mankind exists so everyone is forced to encounter them at some point in their existence.
 

Lil devils x_v1legacy

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sageoftruth said:
I'm pretty new to this. For a long time, I just wasn't interested in a partner. My single life was pretty comfortable, and social enough to leave me with little desire for a partner. Even now, I'm mostly planning on doing it out of curiosity.

As a result, I'm not really sure what's a deal breaker just yet. I'm guessing it would be over-neediness. I like my personal space and me-time. After a social event or a busy day at work, I'm quick to retreat back to my room for some private time. Someone who needs attention 24/7 would probably push me away very fast.
I have always pretty much been that way about "neediness" as well, though I may have been a bit moreso on the "personal space" issue in the past but at least am not as bad as I used to be. I once became so enraged by the guy I was dating coming into my apartment and moving my stuff that I threw him out and broke up with him for continuing to move my things around. That is one of the only things I ever get into arguments about with guys I have dated. I hate people moving stuff around and it not being in " it's place". My current relationship works very well because he lets me decide where everything goes all the time and doesn't even try to move my stuff around so we don't argue at all. HAHA

Although I am far from "new at this" I don't think I have been without a relationship/ boyfriend for more than 2 weeks like.. ever. I don't think the personal space issue is due to not having experience with relationships, it is just a personality issue.