Have you considered that someone removing themselves from needing to raise kids isn't controlling and people can have different values than you when it comes to whether they want to raise kids? You're being very closed minded and suggesting things I did not say, for instance suggesting that someone should not demand someone else change their life... Like where the hell did I say that? I'm suggesting that is perfectly reasonable to choose not to date someone who has kids. That's different from giving them an ultimatum to get rid of their kids or whatever the hell you've imagined. It's not controlling to just not date someoneLil devils x said:Me not wanting to have kids does not mean that I should rule someone out because they have kids. Kids are very much a part of what it means to be human, and without them, we as humans would cease to exist, so yes they are seen as a necessity for human survival and not something that should be viewed as a bad things such as smoking or drug use. They are not the same so I do not treat them the same. I see viewing kids as some how being "a problem" simply because I don't want to give birth to them myself as being a bad thing because they are vital to our existence. Not wanting to have kids yourself =\= caring if someone else has kids, those are actually separate issues. It is " controlling" to expect a person to not have had previous relationships, and with previous relationships kids very well could be involved. I have dated a few men men with kids and I really do think it is being " too picky" to rule them out simply because they had a previous relationship that didn't work out. Now on the other hand if they are running around with kids all over the place with different fathers/ mothers, that is an indication of other issues, not just "oh they have a kid". In that case, it isn't a problem with kids, it is a problem with the person's relationship issues.The Decapitated Centaur said:I mean, I assume the point is not wanting to raise kids. That is kind of pretty big in affecting the life of someone's partner too?Lil devils x said:See now I think asking a guy to not have children is totally unreasonable, but the smoking is completely reasonable. Smoking is not just something that affects the person, it affects how they taste, how their skin tastes and smells, second hand smoke on their skin, hair, clothing, vehicle.. It makes everything about them taste gross. Someone having previous relationships and sex is expected and if one has sex there is the possibility of children happening so I see that as unreasonable to be that as something that defines whether or not they are bad partner. I do not see that impacting whether or not I would have a relationship with guy, and see that as being too much to ask of either a male or female. If you don't expect them to be a virgin or to not have previous relationship that goes along with the territory. A child is part of their family, not something nasty you have to taste. Drugs, smoking, tattoos, beard/ mustache, Body Odor, excessive flatulence, bad manners, swearing, poor hygiene, incompatible sex drive, inadequate conversation, arrogance, superficial, bad sense of humor, or of course being a Trump supporter are all deal breakers on the other hand.
I see the problem here is people thinking they can "plan every aspect of their life", and the world does not work that way, it never works that way. Life is full of surprises. What you want now you may be repulsed from 5 years from now. What you plan to do now, you may want to run away from in your future. Sure you can plan things like your choice field of study, where you want to go on vacation, where you want to live but in reality anything can happen. You can be forced to change careers and move due to job availability, you could be in an accident and be forced to have to have others help you.. That is just it, you have no idea what life you will live in the end, we are given limited control. Yes, you can control whether or not you have kids yourself, but to try impose that upon another person I feel is overbearing.
I see them already having kids actually helps me because then at least I won't feel as though I am depriving them of something very basic to human existence by not wanting to have them myself. Sure, they are very much a part of them and have to be accepted along with them, along with the responsibilities but I do not view that as a bad thing, as even in a relationship without kids you still have to accept the responsibilities and life changes that come with each individual. I view it as if not being willing to change your life to rebuild a new life with that person being equally important, then your not really ready for a relationship in the first place. If it is just causal dating where you have no desire to change your life, and you expect them not to change theirs, whether they have kids or not is irrelevant at that point because they will have no long term impact on the relationship. Simply because someone has kids does not mean they expect you to raise them. Now if you are not capable of behaving appropriately around children, that is a psychological issue on your end and you should seek help for it because kids are not going anywhere any time soon, not as long as mankind exists so everyone is forced to encounter them at some point in their existence.
Also the idea that someone having a kid doesn't mean they expect you to raise them... if your eventual intentions involve cohabitation the kid is gonna be in your daily life. Short of outright ignoring them which is just gonna be rude you're gonna be a part of raising them, that's absurdly unrealistic to suggest otherwise unless you're talking about grown children or children that are being raised by a different parent.
Quite frankly the problem is you think that someone is evil or something for not wanting to live with a kid which is a reflection more on how judgmental you are of people who just don't want kids and how pushy you are about your values