What's the weirdest thing you've ever heard someone say IRL?

TheLastSamurai14

Last day of PubClub for me. :'-(
Mar 23, 2011
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IamLEAM1983 said:
Generally speaking, my uncle likes to *pretend* he knows about computers, when he pretty much ignores the very first thing about how to put one together. About once a year, I get a phone call about how he got his hands on a "Super-Core Pentium with eighty gigahertz and THREE megs of RAM and a one-petaflop hard drive! And the video card? Oh, man! The video card! SO MANY VIDEOS ON IT!"

Granted, the guy's usually drunk when he calls me, but my reaction is almost always a variation on a facepalm or "Lolwut?".

Then I show up, and realize the so-called Killer Rig to End All Killer Rigs is another nicotine-stained beige horror from the late nineties. I keep reminding him to make sure his rig can actually run the games he ends up buying, but he never listens.

So, well... A free copy of Civ V for me! Yay!
No offense, but as someone who builds and repairs computers for a living, I hate your uncle now. This is basic shit that not even a drunk man could get wrong.
 

Erja_Perttu

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May 6, 2009
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V8 Ninja said:
A few years ago, I heard my teacher say this in a history class:

"Do they wear sexy mini-skirts?"

Keep in mind, the context isn't nearly bad as some might think it is; my teacher was trying to help a student on one of her papers, and that paper was specifically about Japanese anime and manga culture. My teacher generally framed help as questions, and this was the result.
I had a similar experience with the phrase

I'm an evil fucking psychopath

It was a rather deadpan english professor talking to my friend about his assignment, which involved the book American Psycho. Hearing his say it out of context was rather fantastic.
 

kasperbbs

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Dec 27, 2009
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Today i've overheard one of my coworkers saying that being gay is a disease that you are born with.
 

TerribleAssassin

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Apr 11, 2010
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At a party:

Girl 1: Your boyfriend's a dick (the boyfriend in discussion being my best friend through high school)
Girl 2 (This girl being both my best friend's girlfriend and a good friend): Why what's he done?
Girl 1: Don't know, he just is.

Other time at the same party:

Girl 1 from previous story: herp derp, messaging girl that used to like you, herp derp, your a dick
Best Friend: How? Ask anyone and they'll tell you I message her first
Me (overhearing conversation drunk and pleased with making the girl I liked at the time almost cry): What? Joe's never started a conversation with Ruby when I've been with him!
Girl 1: What evidence do you have?

I've never understood why she asked me that.
 

IamLEAM1983

Neloth's got swag.
Aug 22, 2011
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TLS14 said:
IamLEAM1983 said:
Generally speaking, my uncle likes to *pretend* he knows about computers, when he pretty much ignores the very first thing about how to put one together. About once a year, I get a phone call about how he got his hands on a "Super-Core Pentium with eighty gigahertz and THREE megs of RAM and a one-petaflop hard drive! And the video card? Oh, man! The video card! SO MANY VIDEOS ON IT!"

Granted, the guy's usually drunk when he calls me, but my reaction is almost always a variation on a facepalm or "Lolwut?".

Then I show up, and realize the so-called Killer Rig to End All Killer Rigs is another nicotine-stained beige horror from the late nineties. I keep reminding him to make sure his rig can actually run the games he ends up buying, but he never listens.

So, well... A free copy of Civ V for me! Yay!
No offense, but as someone who builds and repairs computers for a living, I hate your uncle now. This is basic shit that not even a drunk man could get wrong.
Yeah, I'd have to agree there, but the thing is his budget mostly goes on cigs and booze. If he's got twenty bucks to scrape together for bottom-of-the-barrel bargain bin material, he's pretty happy. I think the last big release he even remotely touched was the first Diablo. Something about Diablo II's 3D implementation (the parallax effect, probably) made him motion-sick.

I tried to get him to take a look at URU: Ages Beyond Myst, seeing as he's a pretty avid adventure gamer, but Gahreesen triggered the same overall green-faced lack of self-control. The main fortress spinning and the player's avatar having to jump from one considerable height at a certain point didn't exactly help.

Otherwise, in the stupid shit I've had the pleasure of hearing in my time, customer service has allowed me to handle quite a few. If you want to lose your faith in humanity, get yourself a posting at a customer service department for some sort of ISP or PC hardware store.

Oddly enough, the stupidest shit I've had to contend with didn't have to do with Internet connections or faulty rigs; but with the weird idea one customer had that I got commissions based on how many calls I answered.

Honestly, if I'd only been paid per call, a day that would've given me enough money to buy myself lunch would've been a swell day. So much of customer service involves calling someone, then hanging up. Calling, then hanging up. So on and so forth.
 

TheLastSamurai14

Last day of PubClub for me. :'-(
Mar 23, 2011
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IamLEAM1983 said:
I'm so glad I've never had to deal with customer service. I strictly do on-site repair, so a lot of the stupid shit evades me.

I do, however, have a website that I go to when I need a good tech-related laugh and/or rage.

http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/

It's a bit dated, but I like it nonetheless.
 

shrekfan246

Not actually a Japanese pop star
May 26, 2011
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Clive Howlitzer said:
"If it weren't for my horse, I never would have spent that year in college."
And that's when you get the brain aneurysm.

OT: I can't really recall any right off the top of my head, but it's amusing reading all of these other ones.
 

Easton Dark

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Jan 2, 2011
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Bloodtrozorx said:
"I don't care if her back door is flapping in the god damn breeze you are gonna enjoy it god damn you!"
Wha... I... it... 0_0

This has strange implications indeed.
 

JCBFGD

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Jul 10, 2011
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Quite honestly, I take the cake for most of it. I happened to read aloud the title just now whilst in a Skype call with one of my friends. His exact words were, "Jon...just start talking."

I can name something not said by me, said today, too. That'd be, "Sharon, you're not Captain Underpants, put your pants back on."
I'm going to leave you without any context because it honestly makes just as much sense without as it does with.
 

team star pug

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Sep 29, 2009
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"Sperm is blue"
"I had these ducks, two died and one went to get a drink, but we moved the bowel so it stuck it's face in the sawdust and went blind, and then died"
" (A grunt that can only be described as) EEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"
"I should be allowed to pirate music, because I was never going to buy it in the first place"

There all from the same person, who once got his own name mixed up with mine. While he was making fun of people with down syndrome. Also he is very homophobic.
 

Leemaster777

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Feb 25, 2010
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Oh, I've got a couple good ones.

"It's a fucking gremlin made of fruit, what do you need to know?!"

In this one, Person A is talking about why she doesn't want to have kids:

Person A: Well, if YOU had a uterus, would YOU want to have kids?
Person B: Can I choose the uterus?
Person A: What?
Person B: Can I choose the uterus? Cause if I can, I TOTALLY want to choose a tiger uterus. That would be awesome. But I would only have babies with the RIGHT tiger. Like, if that tiger was THE ONE.

Fun fact: I said both of those things. I'm a weird guy.
 

Fallere825

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Mar 8, 2012
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I was in a religion class (catholic school where NO students were catholic) and the teacher was telling as a story about a marytr who was killed by guerrillas for being catholic, me and my freind saw the dumbest girl in the class look confused, we both knew exactly what was about to happen and we were both laughing quietly, the girl then puts her hand up and says

"were they real gorillas?"

Edit: a few obvios mistakes, wouldn't be surprised if I missed more.
 

Lawbringer

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Oct 7, 2009
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Powereaver said:
I Dont Never Sleep on My own... wow a double negative! You sleep with everyone! :D
Now...I may be wrong here...but wouldn't that mean they actually sleep with 'no-one'? As in:

"I never sleep on my own" = I always sleep with other people

"I don't never sleep on my own" = I don't always sleep with other people.

So they are on their own at least some of the time...and maybe all the time - they're just ashamed to admit they're alone! :p

Sorry for being a pedant...I'm just one of those people you really should be ignoring...!
 

MiriaJiyuu

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Jun 28, 2011
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Guy walks into Denny's "Do you guys sell cigarettes?"

For those of you who don't know, Denny's is a restaurant.
 

Dfskelleton

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Apr 6, 2010
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I didn't actually say anything about it, but I did once have a really weird belief. I had just woken up, and while I was awake I hadn't shrugged off the logic posessed in Dreams. Anyways, I honestly believed that I could change my color by touching a mysterious orb on a pedestal, and that these orbs were simply littered around. I don't mean like the normal skin colors (black, white, etc.), I mean like every color in the visible spectrum. I simply had to cycle through them to find the one I wanted. It was only later that I realized how dumb this was, but I honestly believed it for an hour or so.

I also had a friend who once asked my biology teacher "Do we have veins in our arms?". She just looked at him funny. When we asked him about it, he said he just thought that the stuff you saw through your wrist was blood. Not blood being transported in anything, just blood.
The same kid also asked if "You're supposed to grow hair on your privates." She actually got mad at him for that one.
Oh, and then there's a really good one:
I was on Faethbewk (facebook), and a friend of mine asked "What's your favorite Mexican food?". Of course, the one kid in my class who consistently makes fun at himself for being Asian replies with "Sushi" as a joke. Of course, this idiot girl (who left our school, thank God) replies with "Umm, [insert friends name], I dont think sushi is mexican. pretty sure its the japs." I then asked if Facebook would implement a "disgraces to human intelligence" button, next to the "like" button.
 

thejackyl

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Apr 16, 2008
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Best ones have to be:
(Note: this lady had a voice that CAAAAAAAAAARIED through the store)
"Do you guys have this kind of battery?" (She hands me a battery that's somewhere between a AA and AAA in diameter and about half as long.)

"I'm not sure, what's it used for?"

"It's for a vibrator"

The rate I dropped that battery was amazing. She later came by the register as I was telling a co-worker. "Well, tell the whole world, why don't you."

Another one had to be when I was working at McDonald's and someone comes through the Drive-Thru and orders "A 3 piece chicken dinner with coleslaw and green beans.". Than we had an argument over the store being a Wendy's and that neither us nor Wendy's sold such a thing.

We ask for donations to the Children's Miracle Network at both places, and I asked someone if they wanted to donate. They said "Sure, round my change up. add 37 cents to my total.", I just told him that would bring his total to $13.13, and asked if he meant to just bring it to $13, which lead to a circular argument.

And Lastly, something that happens nearly daily at Wal-Mart where I work.

Someone comes up to the register and begins price matching things. They mention a price for milk ($2.50) and I let them know that our best ad is at $1.79. They begin throwing a temper tantrum because I'm not matching his prices, even though the one I'm giving him is better. I just gave up and gave it to him for the $2.50.

I also have to love it when they wont accept "our price is actually cheaper" as an option and actually end up playing about $5 more for their groceries because they get angry if we correct them.

Sorry to put everything in spoiler tags but I don't like have 3 wall'o'texts even if they are separate from one another.