What's your favorite joke?


New member
Feb 2, 2011
Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

Why did Timmy fall off the swing?
Because Timmy is a fish.

Mister K

This is our story.
Apr 25, 2011
Really old one, but I like it. A bit of an info: where I am from, 5 cents coin is bigger in size than 25 cents one.

During the lunch break at school the teacher (lets call her Miss Black) sees a bunch of boys laughing like crazy. She comes to them and asks:

-"Boys, why are you laughing"?

-"Miss Black" - replies one boy - "there is this Jewish boy, Abraham, and he is so stupid. During every lunch break we show him a 5 cents coin and 25 cents coin and allow him to take whichever he likes. And he always takes the 5 cents one, because it's bigger."

Confused, Miss Black asks them to do this in front of her. They come to Abraham and one of the boys asks:

-"Hey Abraham! Which coin would you like: 5 cents or 25 cents?"

-"Why" -replies Abraham- "5 cents one, of course."

With a smirk on his face, one of the boys gives him the coin.

-"But Abraham"-says Miss Black-"Why did you pick this one?"

-"It's bigger, teacher."

A group of boys starts laughing again and go away.

-"You can't be serious" says Miss Black.

-"Of course not."-replies Abraham - "But if I take 25 cents coin, those schmucks will stop giving me money."

Dalek Caan

Pro-Dalek, Anti-You
Feb 12, 2011
What do you call a black women who has had many abortions?

A crime fighter!

A friend told me that one over guild chat, couldn't stop laughing xD. Too bad he told it in the middle of a Operation Boss.


The leading man, who else?
Aug 23, 2009
x[sup]2[/sup] and e[sup]x[/sup] walk in a dark alley. Suddenly they encounter the terrible differential operator. x[sup]2[/sup] runs away as fast as he can but e[sup]x[/sup] stays where he is and says: "Haha! I'm e[sup]x[/sup], you can't harm me!" Then the differential operator laughs and says: "So you think, but I'm dx/dy!"

I'll just go away now...

Evil Smurf

Admin of Catoholics Anonymous
Nov 11, 2011
Maths joke time!

My favourite joke is one my favourite teacher told me: A man walked into a bar, he said ouch.


Social Office Corridor
Mar 31, 2010
These three are good:

What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint

Tee hee.

What's white and, when it falls out of a tree, breaks your refrigerator?

Your refrigerator

What's grey and kills you if it lands on you?

A carpark


Musician With A Heart Of Gold
Oct 18, 2011
Most of my favorites come from Bill Bailey, such as

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humor from it would be exploitative.

And this one (bit of a long one)

Three blokes go into a pub. Well, I say three; could be four or five. Could be nine or ten, doesn't matter. Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Let's go mad, eh - two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, I've gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! (adopting auctioneer persona) Anyone? Five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! Alright, let's go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Let's go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes - I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, that's just two of them. Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antartica - that's just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says "I'll get these in." What an idiot!


New member
Jun 16, 2012
My two go to jokes are;

There are 99 Belgians and one Dutchman in a plane. Am hour into the flight the captain talks through the PA system; "ladies and gentlemen, i am sorry to tell you that, due to the fact we are overloaded, we have to open the cargo-hold and dump all your luggage." Although no one likes this everyone agrees is it better than crashing.

A few minutes later the captain is on the PA system again; "ladies and gentlemen" he says, "unfortunately we are still to heavy, to prevent crashing everyone should now hang on to the bars above your head, we are going to drop the floor out of the plane." Everyone looks at eachother thinking the fuck is going on here. But still, its better than dying in a crash. So everyone grabs on to the bars above their head and the floor drops out.

A few minutes later, the captain is on the PA system again. "ladies and gentlemen, we are still too heavy. To prevent crashing one of you will have to sacrifice themselves"

Well now everyone start screaming because no one wants to die. Then the Dutch guy says. "i'll do it. i'll sacrifice myself"

All the Belgians start clapping.

The new pope is sitting in his room, watching tv, when a show comes up telling about the dangers of voodoo. The pope, obviously scared by this, starts thinking "what to do, what will happen when someone makes a voodoo doll of me?" Then the show tells him something that eases his mind, there can be only one voodoo doll of a person.

Immediately he calls out for his butler, and says to him; "here, a piece of my hair, now go get me a voodoo doll of myself"

A few hours later the butler comes back with the voodoo doll.

Anyway, a few months pass by and nothing happens. Then, on every news channel, there are reports of priests molesting children.

The pope feels it is his responsibility to try and help those children, so he lets some of them fly in. In order to have some kind of privacy, since the children are still traumatized, he talks to them one at a time while the rest waits somewhere else.

The first kid comes in and the pope shows him to his seat.

He says "Son, i am very sorry for what happened to you, I hope this doesn't affect your opinion of our believe."

He continues,

"Just in order for me to try and help you the best i can, i would like to know something from you."

He walks towards a box and grabs a small doll.

"son, could you show me on this doll where the bad priest touched you?"

Drops a Sweet Katana

Folded 1000x for her pleasure
May 27, 2009
Antendo said:
I'll just put these in spoilers and hope I don't get banned for these.

What's funnier than a baby in a tree?

The same baby in 10 different trees.
What is the difference between (insert politically correct name for black people here) and onions?

Cutting up onions makes you cry

I do realize these are rather mean, but they are merely jokes. Btw are there any racist jokes about white people? If there is, I wanna hear them.

Also, this. [http://global3.memecdn.com/U-Know-my-Favourite-Brand-of-Rice_o_92771.jpg]
Um... White people?

OT: I have a few.
What's funnier than a dead baby?
Two dead babies. What's funnier than that?
A skip full of dead babies. What's funnier than that?
A live one at the bottom. What's funnier than that?
Eating its way out. What's funnier than that?
Coming back for seconds




has tits and is on fire
Jan 8, 2009
I've never understood why you'd beat your wife.

It's like keying your own car.


New member
Sep 15, 2010
This one makes my nieces/nephews laugh everytime.

"What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?"
biting into an apple and finding half a worm

This one makes me laugh when I am dead tired

Two muffins are baking in an over, one says "god, it is hot in here." The other says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!"

edit: bonus joke, Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.


New member
Jun 6, 2013
Antendo said:
Btw are there any racist jokes about white people? If there is, I wanna hear them.
You asked for it...

A firecracker

A straight Line

A virgin

An Avalanche


The PGA Tour

These jokes were all from Encyclopedia Dramatica, say what you want about them, I think they're funny.

And my favourite joke...

Three guys need to find a place to sleep overnight, they find a hotel but there is only one room available with one bed. They don't like it but they take it, one guy sleeps in the middle with the other two on either side.

The next morning the guy on the left wakes up and says, " Oh man, I had the weirdest dream. I thought that some guy was trying to grab my dick!"

Then the guy who was sleeping on the right says, " No way! I dreamed the same thing!"

Then finally the guy who slept in the middle says, "Woah! You guys are WEIRD, I just dreamed that I was skiing."



New member
Nov 20, 2010
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are out camping. Suddenly, Holmes wakes up Watson in the middle of the night.
"Look up, Watson," Holmes says, "and tell me what you see."
"I see billions of stars," says Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?" says Holmes.
Watson thinks for a minute. "Well, Astrologically, I deduce that Saturn is in Capricorn.
Astronomically, that it is 3:00 am. Meteorologically, that tomorrow will be a beautiful day.
Theologically, that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant.
What do you deduce?"
Holmes sighs. "Watson, you idiot. I deduce that someone has stolen our tent."


New member
Jan 5, 2013
'Your mum's so fat, when she falls over everyone laughs. Even the ground cracks up.'
And a few great ones from Fallout 3: 'A neutron walks into a bar, and asks the barman 'how much for a drink?' to which the barman replies 'for you- no charge!''
'Two atoms are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think I've lost an electron." The other asks "Are you sure?" To which the first replies, "I'm positive."'