Worst, most groan-inducing puns?

[SimuLord]

I was just explaining to my wife what a "Tom Swift" pun is. For those who don't know, a Swiftie involves using an adverb that makes a pun on the rest of the sentence, as in:

"Stop right where you are!" said Tom haltingly.

or

"I really love Sparta," said Tom laconically.

I mentioned that they're popular among English teachers and writers and the light came on in my head..."wait a minute, my favorite Web forum is full of aspiring writers..."

Then I realized "hey, wait a minute, why restrict this to Tom Swifties? Why not expand this to a general thread for the worst puns of any stripe?" Faster than you could say "Escapist" I was off to my computer. And in the vein of truly awful puns I offer an original one that I wrote a few months ago:

A football quarterback was in the huddle giving instructions to his offense. He turned to the running back and said "If I say Blue 28, that means I'm going to hand off to the right so you can run off tackle." He turned to the wide receiver and said "If I say Green 44, go long, I'm going to hit you about 30 yards downfield so look over your shoulder, catch it in stride, and run." Finally the quarterback turned to the offensive tackle and said "And if I see your stupid fat ass dicking around again I'm gonna yell 411."

The tackle looked at the quarterback confused and said "Why 411?" and the QB said "Because I want you to get in formation."

I told you it was a bad pun. See if you can do worse.

 

[GodsOneMistake]

oinkment nuff said

 

[Raziel_Likes_Souls]

Ummm.....I heard a guy say "We went to a Does It Offend You, Yeah concert, dude. We Are Rockstars!!"

In case you don't know, that's one of their songs.

 

[Fenring]

What did the fish say when he ran into the concrete wall? Damn.
Did you hear about the soldier who got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed? He was a seasoned veteran.
The man who got his left half cut off was all right.
If you hate someone for the clothes they wear you are a fashist.

If you like puns you should check #punday on Sunday on Twitter. Sunday = #punday!

 

[ThrobbingEgo]

Yeah. that's pretty bad. Reads like the author's trying to be clever. To be fair though, I'm guilty of taking pleasure in discovering bad puns.

A collage friend on facebook said something along the lines of, "Being back in my hometown is my drug of choice."
My reply: So, Winnipeg's a real downer?

 

[Glerken]

Ok, Two pretzels were walking down the street.
One was Assaulted.
Ahahahah.

 

[Internet Kraken]

How do you cure swine flu?

Use oinkment.

 

[Shade Jackrabbit]

"This man is possessed by a demon and must be exorcised! Get a treadmill!"
...yeah, I made that one myself. I'm a terrible, terrible person.

 

[elricik]

Did anyone happen to catch attack of the show today? They had some horrible puns.

 

[itdoesntmatter]

So they said, "Sure a black man will get elected as President..When pigs fly!"
Obama was elected, and 100 days later..Pig flu

 

[ObadiahBlack]

Why is Dublin the largest city in the world?
Cuz it's Dublin (doublin') every day.

 

[JC175]

The other day I heard a teacher had been arrested in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a straight edge. He's apparently a member of the Al Gebra movement bearing weapons of math instruction.

Oh, and

You might debate in english, but I am a maths debator.

/groaning

 

[About To Crash]

You know what they say about giving gifts? There's no time like the present!

That's bad, but then, a few weeks back, I watched an episode of the old Ninja Turtles show. At the very end, they saved a train full of cows, and one walked up behind April and licked her. She then let out a cackle and exclaimed, "I've been cow-licked!" My friends and I simultaneously feel on the floor and began convulsing as the Turtles, April, and Casey laughed uproariously.

 

[JWAN]

Don't be Koi!

25 cents in an envelope to whoever gets this reference!

 

[Sir_Nolan]

Did you hear about the lady who backed into the fan? It was a disaster! (dis-assed-her)

 

[Neonbob]

Oh god.
This entire thread is like poison to me.
Poison.

Why did you come here, man? You knew it was going to be bad!
On topic: Honestly? Puns are the literary geek's way of getting back at those who caused them pain in the past.

 

[Yoshi-Pop]

No-Body...
anything like that.

 

[Avatar Roku]

I'm tired and not feeling particularly original, so I'll just say "Watch Doomsday Arcade", bad puns abound. At least they're aware that the puns are horrible though.

 

[Vek]

Read the Master and Commander books. Jack Aubrey loves bad puns.