Zero Punctuation: Alone in the Dark: Illumination - Like Left 4 Dead But...

Yahtzee Croshaw

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Alone in the Dark: Illumination - Like Left 4 Dead But...

This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Alone in the Dark: Illumination.

Watch Video
 

Yahtzee Croshaw

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Well that got crucified along with some other games. During the post E3 weeks there's very little there so at lest this was a nice catharsis.
 

Victim of Progress

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Shame to hear that this game is a steaming pile of shit. And unlike the game before it, it has no redeeming qualities. Made for a hilarious review though.
 

Krantos

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You know I'm actually disappointed that only about half the level names are alliterative. It's like they half-hearted that as much as they did the rest of the game.

Here let me finish that for you:

Creepy Crypt
Placid Pond
Quiet Quarry
Gruesome Graveyard, erm.. with trains.
 

JaceArveduin

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Krantos said:
You know I'm actually disappointed that only about half the level names are alliterative. It's like they half-hearted that as much as they did the rest of the game.

Here let me finish that for you:

Creepy Crypt
Placid Pond
Quiet Quarry
Gruesome Graveyard, erm.. with trains.
Have you been reading Snicket? It sounds like you have!
 

Scarim Coral

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So in another word, they should give up on the frachise and let it rest in peace given to its released like a b rated horror movie.
 

Sledgimus

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I really don't know why they keep trying to keep Alone in the Dark going. Yes, I know it was the first survival horror, but it was crap. Other games came along and did it better. Why keep trying to sell games on the back of nostalgia for something that sucked in the first place?

Oh, wait. Internet. Forget I said anything.
 

Neurotic Void Melody

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Atari are just renting out their IPs to first time studios, aren't they? So this would be the result of whoring off the remains of the carcass to blind, one-legged baby vultures.
 

Dornedas

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Well that certainly was funny and destructive.
But not quite as damning as the conclusion of the German magazine gamestar.

I quote (and translate I guess): Worse than the Uwe Boll movie.

That is a sentence you think you will never hear in your lifetime.
 

UberThetan

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The White Hunter said:
Somebody needs to put Atari down and strip the carcass for worthwhile IP's.
Again? I mean, that's basically what's happened over the years. Atari just goes "bankrupt" regularly, gets bought up by someone else who then does whatever the hell they want with the IPs.
 

FPLOON

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It's "weird" that I find the names of the levels more interesting than anything else in that game... I bet the one who worked on titling the levels was not the same person[/people] who worked on the game's story...

Other than that, I wonder if the next game would fuck up the "in the" part of the title Alone in the Dark... and how because I don't have a cat...
 

Thaluikhain

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Sledgimus said:
I really don't know why they keep trying to keep Alone in the Dark going. Yes, I know it was the first survival horror, but it was crap. Other games came along and did it better. Why keep trying to sell games on the back of nostalgia for something that sucked in the first place?
Well...as survival horror it wasn't very good, no, but then survival horror wasn't a thing back then. I think of it more as a puzzle solving game that just happens to be set in a haunted house with monsters.

Never finished the original (kept falling down when the bridge collapsed or whatever it was), but the only scary bits I remember was in the demo at the very beginning where you have to block things to stop monsters coming up. Otherwisse, eh.
 

Silentpony_v1legacy

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So this was basically a full-length commercial of his new show where he just makes fun of titles and game cover-art. Not complaining, but its like pre-Top 5 Lisa Foiles making a video where she just lists the Top 5 reasons Batman Arkham Knight sucks.
 

Steve the Pocket

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UberThetan said:
The White Hunter said:
Somebody needs to put Atari down and strip the carcass for worthwhile IP's.
Again? I mean, that's basically what's happened over the years. Atari just goes "bankrupt" regularly, gets bought up by someone else who then does whatever the hell they want with the IPs.
Hey Valve, you know that massive pile of money you've been sitting on since like ten years ago? I think I know what you can do with it!
 

Yahtzee Croshaw

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Sledgimus said:
I really don't know why they keep trying to keep Alone in the Dark going. Yes, I know it was the first survival horror, but it was crap. Other games came along and did it better. Why keep trying to sell games on the back of nostalgia for something that sucked in the first place?

Oh, wait. Internet. Forget I said anything.
Your sources are probably wrong because the original was and is awesome. Other games that came along just took the idea and added action. And then some more action. And then even more action. And they still keep doing that with each new game.
 

Reynaert

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Krantos said:
You know I'm actually disappointed that only about half the level names are alliterative. It's like they half-hearted that as much as they did the rest of the game.

Here let me finish that for you:

Creepy Crypt
Placid Pond
Quiet Quarry
Gruesome Graveyard, erm.. with trains.
This has all the makings of a good 'Smiths'-song.
 

WhiteTigerShiro

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Victim of Progress said:
Shame to hear that this game is a steaming pile of shit. And unlike the game before it, it has no redeeming qualities. Made for a hilarious review though.
Well, it made for a hilarious review. That's a redeeming quality.

...

Right?
 

Darth_Payn

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I'm surprised he didn't say that Alone in the Dark outright stole that "light harms monsters" bit from that other survival horror game. The one with the author in the small town in the forest who wouldn't shut up with the narration.
Alan something-or-other.
 

Sheo_Dagana

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That's exactly what bugs me about this Nosgoth game that Square-Enix is coming out with. It's just briefly touched upon by them, like they have no faith in it because they know exactly what it is and exactly what fans of that series would want out of it, but they go the easy shooter multiplayer route with it instead because that's what sells games these days. Fuck the loyal audience.

Alone in the Dark wasn't exactly the Legacy of Kain series, but it deserved better treatment that this.
 

djdomain

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The White Hunter said:
Somebody needs to put Atari down and strip the carcass for worthwhile IP's.
It makes me wish that there was a Social Services for games, where companies who neglect or beat their IPs with the shitty rehash stick (like say, Rare) got them taken away and they're placed with a foster studio. I guess the only alternative is to fund kickstarter games that are homages/rip-offs of them, cause someone would be willing to mod the game after launch to replace the one robot guy with the other robot guy, or a lizard and bat with a bear and bird.
 

synobal

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The bit with the priest reminds me how my Pure Mortal monster hunter character feels in my current Dresden Files RPG game. He's the only nonmagic user and routinely kicks more ass in combat that anyone else. Even fighting a pair or Rakshasa and a sorcerer by himself and winning.
 

Devieus

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Somehow this review sounded more like one for a bad Darkness game, or at least the multiplayer side-missions from Darkness 2, rather than a bad Alone in the Dark game.
 

Sledgimus

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slo said:
Your sources are probably wrong because the original was and is awesome.
What? I didn't have sneaky meetings with videogame insiders in underground parking garages. I don't have "sources" that told me Alone in the Dark was crap. It's crap. It was a crap offshoot of the point and click adventure genre (the world's worst videogame genre) which other companies improved on by adding some gameplay and puzzles that were slightly less insane.
 

Anomynous 167

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Sledgimus said:
I really don't know why they keep trying to keep Alone in the Dark going. Yes, I know it was the first survival horror, but it was crap. Other games came along and did it better. Why keep trying to sell games on the back of nostalgia for something that sucked in the first place?

Oh, wait. Internet. Forget I said anything.
Fable II will always be the best survival horror game. If your character can die in it, then it's not a survival game
 

VanQ

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Toowong Station at 1 in the morning? That's a local joke and I get it! Wheee!

Is Toowong really that bad at night? Can't be as bad as Fortitude Valley...
 

Dalisclock

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Steve the Pocket said:
UberThetan said:
The White Hunter said:
Somebody needs to put Atari down and strip the carcass for worthwhile IP's.
Again? I mean, that's basically what's happened over the years. Atari just goes "bankrupt" regularly, gets bought up by someone else who then does whatever the hell they want with the IPs.
Hey Valve, you know that massive pile of money you've been sitting on since like ten years ago? I think I know what you can do with it!
Even if they buy the IP tomorrow and start working on a new game immediately, we won't see a new game for at least 10 years.
 

martyrdrebel27

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luckycharms8282 said:
Seems like Yahtzee has been talking slower and slower in these videos.
right? i can actually hear the punctuation. it's false advertisement anymore.
 

Jandau

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I found Final Facility 7 to be highly overrated and personally believe that the series peaked with Final Facility 9...
 

FireAza

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Toowong Station? I used to live in Toowong! I guess that really was Yahtzee when I saw a guy wearing a Mana Bar shirt at the station that one time.
 

Grabehn

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There is one line in this game that pretty much told me all I needed to know, and was something like "Cthulu has sent more minions for you" or something.

And I mean, some Cthulu can do no wrong, but THAT is not the way to use it, at all. Unless you're actually building the game around stuff like "YO, Cthulu sent some more bitches, watch it!" and have it be an actually bizarre thing altogether.
 

JagerBombastic

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Wow I did think you would actually get around to playing this game as there was that great new game just standing right beside it, you know the one where you bash your head against a wall until such time that you black out and make believe that you played a better version of the game that would involve the phrase, "galaxy sized tit monster" in the actual review.
 

Yahtzee Croshaw

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I am absolutely disgusted that the Escapist would allow a review to be posted when the reviewer hasn't even played the full game! It's a total disgr... What's that? Oh right we only complain about that when it's a game we like and a critic we don't, I forgot about that. Moving on so.

alone in the dark is kind of like the Scary movie franchise at this stage. Nobody likes them, nobody watches them, so why in god's name do they keep getting made? at least make a shit game that doesn't carry the name of a shit series. That way you might trick us into playing it guys.