Zero Punctuation: Alone in the Dark: Illumination - Like Left 4 Dead But...

Yahtzee Croshaw

New member
Aug 8, 2007
11,049
0
0
Alone in the Dark: Illumination - Like Left 4 Dead But...

This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Alone in the Dark: Illumination.

Watch Video
 

Victim of Progress

New member
Jul 11, 2011
187
0
0
Shame to hear that this game is a steaming pile of shit. And unlike the game before it, it has no redeeming qualities. Made for a hilarious review though.
 

Krantos

New member
Jun 30, 2009
1,840
0
0
You know I'm actually disappointed that only about half the level names are alliterative. It's like they half-hearted that as much as they did the rest of the game.

Here let me finish that for you:

Creepy Crypt
Placid Pond
Quiet Quarry
Gruesome Graveyard, erm.. with trains.
 

JaceArveduin

New member
Mar 14, 2011
1,952
0
0
Krantos said:
You know I'm actually disappointed that only about half the level names are alliterative. It's like they half-hearted that as much as they did the rest of the game.

Here let me finish that for you:

Creepy Crypt
Placid Pond
Quiet Quarry
Gruesome Graveyard, erm.. with trains.
Have you been reading Snicket? It sounds like you have!
 

Scarim Coral

Jumped the ship
Legacy
Apr 30, 2020
18,157
1
3
Country
UK
So in another word, they should give up on the frachise and let it rest in peace given to its released like a b rated horror movie.
 

Sledgimus

New member
Aug 15, 2008
62
0
0
I really don't know why they keep trying to keep Alone in the Dark going. Yes, I know it was the first survival horror, but it was crap. Other games came along and did it better. Why keep trying to sell games on the back of nostalgia for something that sucked in the first place?

Oh, wait. Internet. Forget I said anything.
 

Neurotic Void Melody

Bound to escape
Legacy
Apr 3, 2020
4,953
6
13
Atari are just renting out their IPs to first time studios, aren't they? So this would be the result of whoring off the remains of the carcass to blind, one-legged baby vultures.
 

Dornedas

New member
Oct 9, 2014
199
0
0
Well that certainly was funny and destructive.
But not quite as damning as the conclusion of the German magazine gamestar.

I quote (and translate I guess): Worse than the Uwe Boll movie.

That is a sentence you think you will never hear in your lifetime.
 

UberThetan

New member
Oct 6, 2014
24
0
0
The White Hunter said:
Somebody needs to put Atari down and strip the carcass for worthwhile IP's.
Again? I mean, that's basically what's happened over the years. Atari just goes "bankrupt" regularly, gets bought up by someone else who then does whatever the hell they want with the IPs.
 

FPLOON

Your #1 Source for the Dino Porn
Jul 10, 2013
12,531
0
0
It's "weird" that I find the names of the levels more interesting than anything else in that game... I bet the one who worked on titling the levels was not the same person[/people] who worked on the game's story...

Other than that, I wonder if the next game would fuck up the "in the" part of the title Alone in the Dark... and how because I don't have a cat...
 

Thaluikhain

Elite Member
Legacy
Apr 4, 2020
14,931
763
118
Sledgimus said:
I really don't know why they keep trying to keep Alone in the Dark going. Yes, I know it was the first survival horror, but it was crap. Other games came along and did it better. Why keep trying to sell games on the back of nostalgia for something that sucked in the first place?
Well...as survival horror it wasn't very good, no, but then survival horror wasn't a thing back then. I think of it more as a puzzle solving game that just happens to be set in a haunted house with monsters.

Never finished the original (kept falling down when the bridge collapsed or whatever it was), but the only scary bits I remember was in the demo at the very beginning where you have to block things to stop monsters coming up. Otherwisse, eh.
 

Silentpony_v1legacy

Alleged Feather-Rustler
Jun 5, 2013
6,760
0
0
So this was basically a full-length commercial of his new show where he just makes fun of titles and game cover-art. Not complaining, but its like pre-Top 5 Lisa Foiles making a video where she just lists the Top 5 reasons Batman Arkham Knight sucks.
 

Steve the Pocket

New member
Mar 30, 2009
1,649
0
0
UberThetan said:
The White Hunter said:
Somebody needs to put Atari down and strip the carcass for worthwhile IP's.
Again? I mean, that's basically what's happened over the years. Atari just goes "bankrupt" regularly, gets bought up by someone else who then does whatever the hell they want with the IPs.
Hey Valve, you know that massive pile of money you've been sitting on since like ten years ago? I think I know what you can do with it!
 

Reynaert

New member
Jan 30, 2011
134
0
0
Krantos said:
You know I'm actually disappointed that only about half the level names are alliterative. It's like they half-hearted that as much as they did the rest of the game.

Here let me finish that for you:

Creepy Crypt
Placid Pond
Quiet Quarry
Gruesome Graveyard, erm.. with trains.
This has all the makings of a good 'Smiths'-song.
 

WhiteTigerShiro

New member
Sep 26, 2008
2,366
0
0
Victim of Progress said:
Shame to hear that this game is a steaming pile of shit. And unlike the game before it, it has no redeeming qualities. Made for a hilarious review though.
Well, it made for a hilarious review. That's a redeeming quality.

...

Right?
 

Darth_Payn

New member
Aug 5, 2009
2,868
0
0
I'm surprised he didn't say that Alone in the Dark outright stole that "light harms monsters" bit from that other survival horror game. The one with the author in the small town in the forest who wouldn't shut up with the narration.
Alan something-or-other.
 

Sheo_Dagana

New member
Aug 12, 2009
966
0
0
That's exactly what bugs me about this Nosgoth game that Square-Enix is coming out with. It's just briefly touched upon by them, like they have no faith in it because they know exactly what it is and exactly what fans of that series would want out of it, but they go the easy shooter multiplayer route with it instead because that's what sells games these days. Fuck the loyal audience.

Alone in the Dark wasn't exactly the Legacy of Kain series, but it deserved better treatment that this.