Zero Punctuation: Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars

Yahtzee Croshaw

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Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars

This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars.

Watch Video
 

Mrsoupcup

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I never expected him to do this, when I saw it it got me exited. (watching it in another window)

Edit: Wow, I'm surprised he didn't like it. I for one loved Gta: China town wars.... Still thats his opinion, even so I don't think filling a choclate egg with branston pickle is a good idea.

Edit...again: Every one above me got banned, see I wanted to get one of the first posts so my opinion would be heard not for the first post bull. Why do people try to get first post? And when they do instead of using it for a valid opinion they just yell first! or I'm and idiot for posting 30 seconds after a 5 minute video was released.... I'd like to see the day were the ban hammer doesn't fall on anyone in a Zp forum.
 

Jindrak

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How the dear sweet Jesus do you come up with the "mounted on an obese man on a segway" metaphors? That was amazing.

Also, the gimmicky use of the DS touch screen on games that don't need it is definitely up there on my list. :\
 

Steven Kyzburg

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Hahaha, taking a stab at the good old economic crisis :D Superb; from this I have been inspired to invest in Class A drugs to become prosperous and successful!!

Personally I don't see how you can have anything on the DS other than the good old Pokemon up, down, left,right zig zag movements.
 

oecumenix

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Haha.. Pickle in a cream egg would be an excellent April Fool.
Also: I agree on the control issue. It's similar in Resident Evil:DS, unless you turn off the knife events.
 

Yahtzee Croshaw

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Great video man, I still think I'll pick up the game. Also I was considering putting branston pickle into a cream egg but that last part kinda changed that.
 

rorymclean12

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very funny as always i was thinking about getting china town wars but i dont think i will bother anyway great review all the same =)
 

Brotherofwill

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"It's almost prodigious in its retarded genius"

Haha, nice one.

For some reason I'm really digging the screech tone over the end-credits, both of them combine to create a strangely charismatic sound.
 

darkwolfdemon

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Nice review.
I knew the DS would be an oil slick in the road. Also games seem to be getting more and more glitchy and buggy and the AI are sniffing glue.
 

Nishu

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How the hell do you reply about a 5 minute video posted at 12:00 (EST) sometime before 12:05? It's amazing how this happens every week.
 

kirbyfan8

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Its really surprising how many people know how good the video is before watching it.

I just beat Chinatown Wars, and I must say I was a little shaken by this review. He listed numerous flaws, all true, and then praised it toward the end. Yet I still can't find a single thing wrong with what he said. Actually thats not true, I found this game to be excruciatingly difficult, but that's probably just me.
 

PandarenBa

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It was good, but something was amiss in there. I don't know if it was the voice, or the jokes, but it didn't feel as ZP as the previous episodes.

Mmmmm, Branston Pickle Chocolate Eggs...
 

Sylocat

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Nov 13, 2007
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*sigh* I'm used to hearing him spend the first minute of the review bashing the Wii before he ever gets around to talking about the actual game he's reviewing... when he's reviewing a Wii game. Now he seems to spend as much time as possible shoehorning Wii-bashing into the review even when he's reviewing a DS game.

Wait for the time when he starts devoting half of every 360, PS3 and PC game review to attacking the Wii.
 

DanTheBigMan

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I knew as soon as he said Cadbury Egg and Branston Pickle that it was not going to end well.
Great review, as always, and I'm glad I stopped giving a shit about GTA with Vice City.
 
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Jindrak said:
How the dear sweet Jesus do you come up with the "mounted on an obese man on a segway" metaphors? That was amazing.
Take a look at Postal 3....

I've been saying GTA London would be cool for AAAAAAAges now, but there's that fear that they'll do the most atrocious cockney accents this side of Mary Poppins.
 

CMWaters

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It's interesting to see the view on this subject matter.

Incidentally, I do think there are SOME games that impliment both standard control scheme and touch screens. "Super Princess Peach" is one (and yes, I am a guy and I like that game. So sue me.) "Sonic Rush" and "Sonic Rush Adventures" used it well too, really only using it for the chaos emeralds or seaboard missions respectively.
 

Jack and Calumon

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Hmmm, the final joke was really...strange.

Not the best work, but still good, like Guitar Hero 3 when not played on the Wii.
 

Nishu

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Sylocat said:
*sigh* I'm used to hearing him spend the first minute of the review bashing the Wii before he ever gets around to talking about the actual game he's reviewing... when he's reviewing a Wii game. Now he seems to spend as much time as possible shoehorning Wii-bashing into the review even when he's reviewing a DS game.

Wait for the time when he starts devoting half of every 360, PS3 and PC game review to attacking the Wii.
To be fair, it's a valid point and something a selection of long-term gamers greatly dislike. I like the DS, I like the Wii, but I absolutely hate how nearly ever game has some sort of forced stylus/remote gimmick. Those things should always be optional.
 

L.B. Jeffries

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The_root_of_all_evil said:
Jindrak said:
How the dear sweet Jesus do you come up with the "mounted on an obese man on a segway" metaphors? That was amazing.
Take a look at Postal 3....

I've been saying GTA London would be cool for AAAAAAAges now, but there's that fear that they'll do the most atrocious cockney accents this side of Mary Poppins.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCZDYV_pHRk
 

BlueInkAlchemist

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Jun 4, 2008
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When Chinatown Wars was released, I got the feeling that taking GTA back to its top-down roots would be both a good thing and a bad thing. Good in terms of nostalgia and fun, bad in terms of current gameplay.

Yahtzee, as always, points this out with brilliance and hilarity.

"...No it really isn't." and "30 GOTO 10" were the crowning moments of awesome in this one for me. I remember Elite... *stars in eyes*
 

Yahtzee Croshaw

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Thanks for reminding me that Elite IV is vaporware... I saw Elite II and didn't care about the rest of the review, I just had the overwhelming urge to grab a copy and play again.

Funny how every space sim for the past 15 years (including Eve) has tried to copy Elite, yet David Braben cant stop making shitty licensed games long enough to bring out Elite IV.

/sigh
 

sky14kemea

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Jun 26, 2008
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i gotta try the creme egg syringe thing...
not with pickle though...
XD ive never been bothered with the GTA series, but it was still fun to watch
 

Kazturkey

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You didn't REALLY fill a creme egg with Branston pickle, did you? Also, is Branston pickle an exclusively British thing? Because the only other person I have ever seen eating it apart from Yahtzee is my store manager, and he's from London.
 

MowDownJoe

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Henry Hatsworth pulls off the buttons with touchscreen very well, honestly. Good review, though. And I'm curious if you really did do the Cadburry Egg thing.
 

yourbeliefs

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I know Yahtzee typically focuses on the bad aspects of a game, but it still surprises me when he finds almost nothing good about games that are so lauded and praised by critics and fans.
 

Yahtzee Croshaw

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Jindrak said:
How the dear sweet Jesus do you come up with the "mounted on an obese man on a segway" metaphors? That was amazing.

Also, the gimmicky use of the DS touch screen on games that don't need it is definitely up there on my list. :\
Have you even played Chinatown Wars? I must admit, the use of it was really good.
 

BiscuitWheels

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yourbeliefs said:
I know Yahtzee typically focuses on the bad aspects of a game, but it still surprises me when he finds almost nothing good about games that are so lauded and praised by critics and fans.

Because being negative is his gimmick. Take his reviews with a grain of salt.
 

chanceashaman

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More remade crap. I always look forwards to the summer months when I can leave my controls at rest and get out side and do some fun things. Major reason is games like this, I can't recall in recent memory a good game release during the summer, I am sure I have forgotten that one exception to the rule some place. Regardless I think he made my point for me again any remote gimmick (stylus in this case) is more a pain in the ass and a waste of time, yet another reason I don't own, nor play either of Nintendo's big money makers turds.
 

Yahtzee Croshaw

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Jindrak said:
How the dear sweet Jesus do you come up with the "mounted on an obese man on a segway" metaphors? That was amazing.

Also, the gimmicky use of the DS touch screen on games that don't need it is definitely up there on my list. :\
XD exactly
 

nathan-dts

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Found it below average compared to The Escapists other webseries'. I laughed only at the Cream egg/Branston Pickle joke.
 

Seamus8

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ugh branston pickle with chocolate... you should have trusted your instincts. I, on the other hand, should have trusted your test.
 

Charli

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I have the urge to try the egg thing but with honey mustard... mmm.
 

bjj hero

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Theres a reason GTA didnt really take off till 3, the top down thing is awful. They should have left it.

Branston pickle is sweet; chocolate is sweet, it just might work...
 

cathou

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i really liked the camera joke. i laught out loud in the office. good thing i was alone...
 

Nekroneko

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I have this strange urge to pickle a cream egg at work for a customer. Then again I want to be around for the person actually indulging in the egg, so maybe pickle one for the staff room. Hmmmm...
 

Kuliani

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I really wish the chocolate eggs were that size (in proportion to the size of his head).
 

Quadtrix

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While the Wii is definitely lacking in features, it's still may favorite console, because A: No one I know with a 360 hasn't had it break down less than 2-3 times, and B: The PS3 just isn't in my near-poverty price range. Sure the Wii is lacking in features that it could easily pull off, but it's affordable and sturdy.
 

Snoopster

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Steven Kyzburg said:
Hahaha, taking a stab at the good old economic crisis :D Superb; from this I have been inspired to invest in Class A drugs to become prosperous and successful!!

Personally I don't see how you can have anything on the DS other than the good old Pokemon up, down, left,right zig zag movements.
I'm all with you apart from one thing, ever played metroid prime hunters on the DS?
Fiddlyness is made up for by length of game, decent(ish) story and possibly the most precise aiming system ever
 

NOOBSAUCE

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Hurray the retard baby prophet has been born to lead us to the promised land.

Oh, and the bit about the branston pickle is good to know.
 

almaster88

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Who else has got poor arthritic thumbs from video gaming too much also? ( me me!)

On a second note: mmmmmmm creme egg.. yum
 

Dyskresiac

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nathan-dts said:
Found it below average compared to The Escapists other webseries'. I laughed only at the Cream egg/Branston Pickle joke.
I find this confusing since escapist is really nothing but a bunch of kids whining and complaining with very very low brow humor. (Save from Yahtzee.) It could be that you just happen to like that kind of "Leave your brain at the door" fart joke humor, at which case it doesn't surprise me that you don't enjoy ZP as much.


That being said, Yahtzee really cuts through the bull when it comes to games and isn't afraid to give a game a good review if it is actually good. See:portal, Super Paper Mario, Psychonauts, Saints Row 2, etc. I just find that a lot of other reviewers (primarily IGN) rate games based on the hype factor associated to them. GTA games will always get better reviews than Saints Row games simply because they're more popular. Oh and, do I have to invoke the "Kayne & Lynch" law of reviewing?

I do disagree with him a lot, specifically when it comes to JRPGs, but he defines what it is he likes, what it is he doesn't like, and lets you form your opinions around that. You might like something he hates, or vice-versa. It beats rating things on a scale of 1 to 10 and just leaving it open to guessing.

Thus, why I never pay attention to any other reviewer.
 

SmilingKitsune

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MowDownJoe said:
Henry Hatsworth pulls off the buttons with touchscreen very well, honestly. Good review, though. And I'm curious if you really did do the Cadburry Egg thing.
Welcome to the escapist!
And I agree, Hatsworth pulls it off very well, I shall also be investigating this egg idea.
 

KingKamor

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Thanks for making yet another great video. You may not care, but my PS2 memory card got corrupted and I've been depressed all day. This really cheered me up, and I thank you for that.
 

beemoh

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CMWaters said:
Incidentally, I do think there are SOME games that impliment both standard control scheme and touch screens. "Super Princess Peach" is one (and yes, I am a guy and I like that game. So sue me.) "Sonic Rush" and "Sonic Rush Adventures" used it well too, really only using it for the chaos emeralds or seaboard missions respectively.
Agreed- I think it depends on what it expects you to do with both- while the touchscreen-as-analogue-stick thing has never worked and will never worked, Mario 64 DS- on launch day managed to mix both stylus and buttons by having both sets of buttons perform the same action. Picross and TWEWY can also be added to this list.

In fact, I'm guessing the DS is symmeticial for a reason...
 

Al_

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I'm guessing the testcard (the picture towards the end whilst he tried the branston pickle creme egg) will have made little sense to non-british viewers? Possibly even no sense to younger British viewers. Hell, are Creme Eggs and Branston Pickle even common in the US, Aus and wherever else so many viewers will be?

If not: Thankyou Yahtzee. Thankyou for crafting a joke that can only really be got by us here in the UK plus random expats.


(I'm rather enjoying Chinatown Wars. The only touch screen bit that's annoyed me so far has been flat-lining people in the ambulance. Only time I've really felt the need to be using the screen and buttons at the same time, and I have considered holding a stylus- possibly the plectrum one from Guitar hero- in my mouth and smashing at the touch screen with my face. This may not be ideal.

Also, the toll gates are on ONE bridge. Only in one direction are they at the end of a long straight)
 

Trivun

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Dec 13, 2008
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Just got one comment to make here. Great video, but when referencing the switches between stylus and button controls, there's a simple solution to make it easier to do. Simply hold the stylus between two fingers on your stronger hand (so mostly right hand for right handed people) and play as normal. That makes it much easier to switch when you need to use the stylus. I do it all the time and there's no problem :D
 

HadesWTF

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Remake London 1969?


I think YES.


That was the best 2D GTA easily. And it was awesome.
 

HadesWTF

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Al_ said:
I'm guessing the testcard (the picture towards the end whilst he tried the branston pickle creme egg) will have made little sense to non-british viewers? Possibly even no sense to younger British viewers. Hell, are Creme Eggs and Branston Pickle even common in the US, Aus and wherever else so many viewers will be?

If not: Thankyou Yahtzee. Thankyou for crafting a joke that can only really be got by us here in the UK plus random expats.


(I'm rather enjoying Chinatown Wars. The only touch screen bit that's annoyed me so far has been flat-lining people in the ambulance. Only time I've really felt the need to be using the screen and buttons at the same time, and I have considered holding a stylus- possibly the plectrum one from Guitar hero- in my mouth and smashing at the touch screen with my face. This may not be ideal.

Also, the toll gates are on ONE bridge. Only in one direction are they at the end of a long straight)
Yes, everywhere has creme eggs and branston pickle spread.


You arn't special.
 

Pumpkin_Eater

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Nishu said:
How the hell do you reply about a 5 minute video posted at 12:00 (EST) sometime before 12:05? It's amazing how this happens every week.
It's just firstism. Some people think getting the first post in a thread is some kind of achievement. If they made a game about forum trolling I'm sure it would be (Forumwarz doesn't count. That didn't have achievements)

Yahtzee Croshaw said:
Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars

This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars.

Watch Video
Any idea whether or not they sell Branston pickle in the States? All your frequent mentioning of it has made me a bit curious.
 

AceDiamond

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So I uh...I have a confession to make

I never had a problem shooting who I wanted to aim at in this game. Ever. I can't realy comment on much of the other faults he had listed because apart from the POV problem, I didn't experience any of them so they'd all basically boil down to "I have a confession lol I didn't suffer the problems that the great and mighty yahtzee suffered"

Also this game kinda blew by fast for me but that was a breath of fresh air compared to the dragging "what is my motivation" crap GTA IV unleashed on us.

Also I too use the "hold the stylus in between your fingers" method and it works out great for me. The thing about the Stylus controls in GTA:CW is that there is only one moment where it interrupts normal gameplay awkwardly, and that's switching weapons, however Rockstar saw it fit to give players a bit of help there and have the game pause when that happens. Yes it's not terribly realistic but I have no complaints.
 

GonzoGamer

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I love it when he makes fun of games I really like though I think we should recognize that GTA CW brought fun back to GTA.

And he LIKED GTA4?!!!? He should've at least torn that apart too; when he had his chance; a year ago.
 

AceDiamond

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GonzoGamer said:
I love it when he makes fun of games I really like though I think we should recognize that GTA CW brought fun back to GTA.

And he LIKED GTA4?!!!? He should've at least torn that apart too; when he had his chance; a year ago.
Actually no he "liked" GTA IV, then disliked GTA IV, now it seems he doesn't know.
 

sargebw86

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I like these reviews: funny and informative.

Ironically enough, the last GTA I played was the 2D game for the PS1, and it even had the London '69 expansion.

I had a DS at one point (looked like someone at Nintendo recycled a Virtual Boy to make its casing) and I didn't like having this tiny-ass stylus in my right hand because I felt awkward trying to hold it; holding the DS with one hand was fiddly enough, but after a couple weeks, I got sick of the dual-fiddliness and sold the system to the used game store.
 

Zukonub

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RYjet911 said:
Great review as always. :)
wut a Yazi

But, no, this was a pretty good review. The first minute-and-a-half were great, but it quickly descended in quality once Yahtzee had to start actually reviewing the game.
 

Night_Wolf

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I realy dont know what the hell people are getting at, I know that all of the comedic einsteine that is Yahtzee is in full force here but serriously! I only started not just chuckleing but outright laughing durring the whole Cadburry Cream egg bit but other then that just more chuckleing then normal. But i probly could have replicated this by mixing Yahtzee's GTA4 review with a review of GTA2 or somthing or a mashup of stuff. But none the less great job Yahtzee, sry about how your favorite type of oddity ruined an easter treat i consider allready ruined unless the cream in it is peanut butter or chocolate.
 

sueyed

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You've convinced me. I'm going out tomorrow and buying some branston pickle.

On a side-note: great review.
 

KValentine

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I had the choice of either buying this game or paying for textbooks I'm glad I stuck with the textbooks.
 

Rath709

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He's not wrong about the need to constantly fumble for the stylus as opposed to using the buttons. It gets pretty frustrating.
 

Kstreitenfeld

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yourbeliefs said:
I know Yahtzee typically focuses on the bad aspects of a game, but it still surprises me when he finds almost nothing good about games that are so lauded and praised by critics and fans.
He did say that all of the faults balanced out other faults to create a decent game. Not his exact words but you get the point.

For example: Shitty controls aren't so bad if the game is retardly easy. ect

AceDiamond said:
GonzoGamer said:
I love it when he makes fun of games I really like though I think we should recognize that GTA CW brought fun back to GTA.

And he LIKED GTA4?!!!? He should've at least torn that apart too; when he had his chance; a year ago.
Actually no he "liked" GTA IV, then disliked GTA IV, now it seems he doesn't know.
Just because he rips on a game doesn't mean he hates it. As mentioned in the Gears of War 2 video, even with all the faults mainstream games are normally mainstream for a reason. It's just his review style to endless rip on what ever is flawed (more so then most critics).
 

DrFuzz

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Once again this video refuses to fully load for me... something has changed in the last week, because this one and last week's videos don't load, but every single other ZP video loads up just fine. Very annoying.
 

GonzoGamer

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AceDiamond said:
GonzoGamer said:
I love it when he makes fun of games I really like though I think we should recognize that GTA CW brought fun back to GTA.

And he LIKED GTA4?!!!? He should've at least torn that apart too; when he had his chance; a year ago.
Actually no he "liked" GTA IV, then disliked GTA IV, now it seems he doesn't know.
Thanks for clearing that up.

Well, I can't keep up with someone who's even more indecisive than I am.
Then again, I get the same way about GTA4. It does look really nice but it's such a bare bones GTA experience, I can hardly recognise it as anything but a GTA clone without rampages, miniguns, tanks, and everything.
 

internutt

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Loved the cream egg joke.

Great review. I was quite surprised to see a DS review.
 

guardian001

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I liked the whole thing with all the mistakes balancing each other out. It's always awesome when mixing shit with shit gives you halfway playable.
 

Hithlain

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oh you know you love the DS. It just beeeeeeeegs to be touched. And it has all the Phoenix Wright games.... I'm an addict.
 

Lord_Seth

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I'm a little confused. Did he like the game or not? He seemed to praise it a little at the end but I'm still left confused as to whether he thought it was overall good or overall bad or average.

Personally, I really liked the game, though he's right that the DS touch screen is sometimes a bit overused. (and darn it, I did hate those toll booths too)

bjj hero said:
Theres a reason GTA didnt really take off till 3, the top down thing is awful.
No. The top-down view was part of it, but the reason it took off with GTA3 is the simple fact that GTA3 was a large improvement on the previous games in a lots of ways (i.e. they developed the sandbox gameplay)
 

ElTigreNegro

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Lord_Seth said:
I'm a little confused. Did he like the game or not? He seemed to praise it a little at the end but I'm still left confused as to whether he thought it was overall good or overall bad or average.
He felt the game is just ok, but certainly nothing he would kill for.
 

Hyper-space

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Steven Kyzburg said:
Personally I don't see how you can have anything on the DS other than the good old Pokemon up, down, left,right zig zag movements.
true.
 

skfd

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Guys, can you help me out fixing the transcribe? I missheard words in [], and probably made other mistakes.
***
After the world shattering television executive frightening success of GTA 4 it seems you can bring out GTA brand easy bake ovens and still get an investment back, but still a GTA exclusive to the DS ? fevered frog spawn chewing madness. That would be like releasing a Dead Space rail shooter on a Wii.

In all seriousness we'll, probably, be going to be seeing a lot this sort of thing with a monkey of economic crisis still clinging to everyone's backs [tickly] eating all the bananas. It's more bankable for studios to make more games for wide spread systems. They practically give away DSes with a Sunday paper and I'm pretty sure that there are more homes with Wii than with central heating, so here we are. Perhaps, this period in gaming will at last make Wii actually worth two shits. I doubt it, though, - you can shovel diamonds into turd and it'll still be a turd, just momentously more painful to produce.
The DS, meanwhile, is not a turd. [It got things too with a low sharp corners] it's just a kind that does it's own thing. It does it well, but GTA is from a different world.

Chinatown Wars is therefore a bastard offspring of two forbidden lovers form two warring families tragically shot dead, while trying to elope by a hired gun played in this drama by myself. Too late, sadly, to prevent the child being born and coming out a little bit malformed.

Chinatown Wars returns us to the liberty city of GTA 4, albeit missing Alderney. But it took too long to open up Alderney, so no one cares.
And todays [career] sociopath with astonishingly good lawyers is Huang ? a spoiled [witch] Triad kid with a dead dad, arriving in Liberty City to get embroiled to a family business.

With a top-down presentation similar to the original 2D GTAs ? China Town is a nostalgic callback to when a series were simplier, cartoonier and not as good. Yes, GTA only became a truly terrifying money spinner once it went 3D, because top-down 2D is full of inherent problems ? you can only see about 2o feet in front of you, also known as ?Metal Gear Solid henchman syndrome?, and there are a lot of beyond that twenty feet border you need to worry about.

Virtually every time I jacked a car I get an instant one-star-level, because I couldn't see a cop directly behind me helping an old lady across the road. And then there are tall gates back from GTA 4, just in case they didn't completely get on your tits the first time around. And they are almost invariably at the end of the long high-speed strait, so I lost count of how many times I accidentally sped right through and earn myself another big fat wanted star.

The limited visibility is also not helped by a camera, that appears to be mounted at the back of [drunko beastmen] on a Segway. Lurching sickeningly about when you trying to made God-awful targeting system lock on an enemy and not, say, on unarmed man on the other side of the wall on the [hab redies].

You my be unsurprised to hear than that the game is frustratingly difficult, in which case prepare to be surprised ? because it isn't. I breezed through all the missions on a rocket surf-board and rarely had to attempt anymore than once. The simple reason for this is that all that professional game-reviewing has finally paid me off and I just naturally good at everything now. But less whackious reason is that the enemy AI is crap.

Everyone with a gun seems to be afraid that using it fill offend the neighbors, when the police is after you, there is a mechanic where you can shake them of by getting them to smash into things. And really all you have to do is drive along the straight road very fast and they will do the work for you! It's like they've got brick -wall-magnet mounted to their bumpers. Alternatively, just use the respray -shop, of course,they won't do their job if there're cops around, so the technique I discovered was to park around the corner, wait for every cop car in the area to huddle around the nearest lamppost than [tickly] floor it to the garage doors, while they are busy disentangling their necks from the [steering columns].

One of the unique points is the drug-selling system. And really pick any commodity trading element from any game and replace the names with a censor provoking ones and the way we go ? find who sells cheap, buy it all up and flog it to whoever buys dear. 30 GOTO 10. You can do this whenever you can, because doing the actual missions pays slightly less than wending cardboard boxes to the homeless. And you need all the money you can get; for when the cops catch you on the dozy morning and take all your favorite weapons away.

Fortunately, the drug trade has it's own underground stock-marked that ticks hot investments tips directly to your PDA, so making thousands upon thousands in a single deal is incredibly easy. The more patient player than I can probably spend an hour or two trading around than end up with enough money to buy all the safe houses in the game and invite all the gangs to the grate big pool-party.

It seems that the weird thing about Chinatown Wars so far is that all it's faults are balanced by it's other faults: stupid enemies compensate for shitty controls, the easiness of trade compensates for it's banality. All that faultiness mixes together to create something half-way decent in the middle. It's almost prodigious in it's retarded genius.

The writing is not as tallow as GTA usually is ? characters feel interchangeable and arbitrary drops self-consciousness and references to sexual perversion into the dialog for no better reason than trying to hard.

But for what I've gathered I'm the only person who gives a shit. I think my biggest problem is the whole DS thing. It seems when you agree to develop for the DS or Wii, Nintendo makes you sign a contract agreeing to throw at least one irritating out of place touch-screen gimmicky Wii-mode waggle. So, being a good little whore, Chinatown Wars breaks things up frequently with an occasional bit of the touch-screen flappery, like hot-wiring cars or throwing Molotovs.

Nothing wrong with it in it self, but since the movement controls use the buttons you have to be constantly fumbling for the stylus or just to use your thumb and live [tee-tow] dust all over the screen. The DS works when you exclusively use either control system, but switching between [when the movement nose eats?] isn't good for my poor arthritic controller ruined fingers.

Just because you can something doesn't mean you should: I can use the syringe to remove the fillings of my [cabbary screen] and I can replace it with the Branston Pickle, but it wouldn't be a good idea. At least I don't think so. Hold that thought.

No, it really isn't.
***
 

p0nda

New member
Aug 25, 2007
21
0
0
How odd, the delivery in the first half of the review was really stilted. I was laughing by the end though so all is well.
 

CMWaters

New member
Sep 17, 2008
11
0
0
beemoh said:
CMWaters said:
Incidentally, I do think there are SOME games that impliment both standard control scheme and touch screens. "Super Princess Peach" is one (and yes, I am a guy and I like that game. So sue me.) "Sonic Rush" and "Sonic Rush Adventures" used it well too, really only using it for the chaos emeralds or seaboard missions respectively.
Agreed- I think it depends on what it expects you to do with both- while the touchscreen-as-analogue-stick thing has never worked and will never worked, Mario 64 DS- on launch day managed to mix both stylus and buttons by having both sets of buttons perform the same action. Picross and TWEWY can also be added to this list.

In fact, I'm guessing the DS is symmeticial for a reason...
Agreed on your agreement.

A good example of using touch screen and controls wrong...some game for the DS based on a Cartoon Network show I never watched where people race on the backs of dragons. From the X-Play review of it that I saw, during a race, you had to use the control pad, the buttons AND the stylus almost simultaniousluy.
 

Nova Tendril

New member
Apr 1, 2009
446
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0
Another one of his reviews in which I disagreed with what he said but still found it to be hilarious.

That takes talent.
 

TKgasmic

New member
Nov 26, 2008
94
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0
That was as some people said unexpected. It was still awesome and I loved the end. =)
 

ryai458

New member
Oct 20, 2008
931
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0
i knew he wouldnt like the egg well atleast we learned something
hold that thought..
 

kaziard

New member
Oct 28, 2008
529
0
0
hey i thought yahtzee hated remakes...yet he wants gta london back, tut tut mr croshaw
 

Roamin11

New member
Jan 23, 2009
1,192
0
0
The end is the best, "No it reallly isn't" MADE MY DAY..... But then agian when doesn't he???
 

Yahtzee Croshaw

New member
Aug 8, 2007
6,655
0
0
Oh and just in case it slipped passed the net of any other Elite fans out there. A Russian mod team have recoded and updated Frontier First Encounters.

http://forums.frontier.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1084
 

TheNix

New member
May 28, 2008
10
0
0
Wow he represents my feeling fully. I saw a different reviewer who took all these parts of the game that sucked and told us that's why it's good. They said the overhead crappy camera 2-d style was good. It's not GTA is about nothing without realism, and 3-d is realism. They said the autolock gun that obviously has flaws was good. They said the bad AI is good. Yhatzee doesn't and i appreciate the honesty.
 

bodyklok

New member
Feb 17, 2008
2,104
0
0
Replacing the filing of a cream egg with branson pickle, hummm perhaps if you used tomato sauce you wouldn't be having this problem.
 

Dabir

New member
Apr 1, 2009
8
0
0
skfd said:
G
After the world-shattering television-executive-frightening success of GTAIV it seems you can bring out GTA-brand easy bake ovens and still get an investment back, but still, a GTA exclusive to the DS ? fevered frogspawn-chewing madness. That would be like releasing a Dead Space rail shooter on the Wii.

In all seriousness we're probably going to be seeing a lot this sort of thing. With the monkey of the economic crisis still clinging to everyone's backs cheekily eating all the bananas it's more bankable for studios to make more games for widespread systems. They practically give away DSs with the Sunday paper and I'm pretty sure that there are more homes with Wiis than with central heating, so here we are. Perhaps, this period in gaming will at last make the Wii actually worth two shits. I doubt it, though - you can shovel diamonds into turd and it'll still be a turd, just momentously more painful to produce.
The DS, meanwhile, is not a turd (a good thing too with all those sharp corners), it's just that it kind of does its own thing. It does it well, but GTA is from a different world.

Chinatown Wars is therefore a bastard offspring of two forbidden lovers form two warring families tragically shot dead, while trying to elope by a hired gun played in this drama by myself. Too late, sadly, to prevent the child being born and coming out a little bit malformed.

Chinatown Wars returns us to the liberty city of GTAIV (albeit missing Alderney, but it took too long to open up Alderney, so no one cares) and today's career sociopath with astonishingly good lawyers is Huang, a spoiled rich Triad kid with a dead dad, arriving in Liberty City to get embroiled in the family business.

With a top-down presentation similar to the original 2D GTAs, China Town is a nostalgic callback to when the series was simplier, cartoonier and not as good. Yes, GTA only became a truly terrifying money spinner once it went 3D, because top-down 2D is full of inherent problems ? you can only see about 20 feet in front of you, also known as ?Metal Gear Solid henchman syndrome?, and there are a lot of things beyond that twenty feet border you need to worry about.

Virtually every time I jacked a car I get an instant one-star-level, because I couldn't see a cop directly behind me helping an old lady across the road. And then there are toll gates back from GTAIV, just in case they didn't completely get on your tits the first time around. And they are almost invariably at the end of a long high-speed straight, so I lost count of how many times I accidentally sped right through and earned myself another big fat wanted star.

The limited visibility is also not helped by a camera, that appears to be mounted on the head of a drunk obese man on a Segway, lurching sickeningly about when you're trying to make the godawful targeting system lock onto an enemy and not, say, an unarmed man on the other side of a wall, on the Hebrides.

You my be unsurprised to hear than that the game is frustratingly difficult, in which case prepare to be surprised because it isn't. I breezed through all the missions on a rocket surfboard and rarely had to attempt anymore than once. The simple reason for this is that all that professional game-reviewing has finally paid me off and I'm just naturally good at everything now, but the less vacuous reason is that the enemy AI is crap.

Everyone with a gun seems to be afraid that using it will offend the neighbors, when the police is after you there's a mechanic where you can shake them off by getting them to smash into things, and really all you have to do is drive along the straight road very fast and they will do the work for you! It's like they've got brick wall-magnets mounted to their bumpers. Alternatively, just use the respray shop. Of course, they won't do their job if there are cops around, so the technique I discovered was to park around the corner, wait for every cop car in the area to huddle around the nearest lamppost then cheekily floor it to the garage doors, while they're busy disentangling their necks from their steering columns.

One of the unique points is the drug-dealing system. And really, pick any commodity trading element from any game and replace the names with more censor-provoking ones and away we go ? find who sells cheap, buy it all up and flog it to whoever buys dear. 30 GOTO 10. And you're going to have to do this whenever you can, because doing the actual missions pays slightly less than vending cardboard boxes to the homeless. And you need all the money you can get for when the cops catch you on a dozy morning and take all your favorite weapons away.

Fortunately, the drug trade has its own underground stock-market that tickers hot investments tips directly to your PDA, so making thousands upon thousands in a single deal is incredibly easy. A more patient player than I could probably spend an hour or two trading around and end up with enough money to buy all the safe houses in the game and invite all the gangs to a great big pool party.

It seems that the weird thing about Chinatown Wars so far is that all its faults are balanced by its other faults: stupid enemies compensate for shitty controls, the easiness of trading compensates for its banality. All that foulness mixes together to create something halfway decent in the middle. It's almost prodigious in its retarded genius.

The writing is not as stellar as GTA usually is ? characters feel interchangeable and arbitrarily drop self-consciousness and references to sexual perversion into the dialogue for no better reason than trying too hard.

But from what I've gathered I'm the only person who gives a shit. I think my biggest problem is the whole DS thing. It seems when you agree to develop for the DS or Wii, Nintendo makes you sign a contract agreeing to throw in at least one irritating out-of-place touch screen gimmick or Wiimote waggle. So, being a good little whore, Chinatown Wars breaks things up frequently with an occasional bit of touch-screen flappery, like hotwiring cars or throwing Molotovs.

Nothing wrong with that in itself, but since the movement controls use the buttons you have to either be constantly fumbling for the stylus or just use your thumb and leave Cheeto dust all over the screen. The DS works when you exclusively use either control system but switching between them at a moment's notice isn't good for my poor arthritic controller-ruined fingers.

Just because you can have something doesn't mean you should: I can use a syringe to remove the filling from a Cadbury's Creme Egg and replace it with Branston Pickle, but it wouldn't be a good idea. At least I don't think so. Hold that thought.

No, it really isn't.
Fix'd because I'm a correctionist sod and because you asked someone to.
 

Zand88

New member
Jan 21, 2009
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0
I find it a bit annoying when Yahtzee starts to sound like he can speak for everyone. If you're going to review, you need to acknowledge that it's just your opinion. I don't always agree with him, but I find him funny and like to hear his thoughts. But in this review, just like others such as Mirror's Edge and Resident Evil, it borders on sounding like his opinion is the only one. You may think a game was bad, but that DOESN'T mean that popular opinion says it's bad. Quite the opposite, for all applied.

Then again, I guess maybe the part of Yahtzee's charm is that he's arrogant. It still makes me grind my teeth, though.
 

Ryuzaki

The Public Face of L
Nov 5, 2008
164
0
0
Another great review Yahtzee, I'm looking forward to next weeks.


Zand88 said:
Then again, I guess maybe the part of Yahtzee's charm is that he's arrogant.
Yep, thats certainly part of it.
 

Crono Maniac

New member
Jan 8, 2009
57
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0
Loved the review!

He makes a lot of good points, and they're all true, though I really like this game (a heck of a lot more than the PSP games) despite its flaws.
 

Techni

New member
Oct 6, 2005
43
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0
I like how he bashes the wii/ds for the first half of reviews on the systems. It's a valid point that any game would instantly be better if it was made for a real gaming system rather than shovelled out like so much crap just to sell more.

HD, true surround sound, real multiplayer, real controls, and enough processing power to actually run the game for starters. All factors that DS/Wii don't have.

This game even left 2d would still have been better on PSP, and a ton better had it been a downloadable game for PS3 or 360.

It's a shame developers waste time on the Wii/DS that would be better spent on real systems
 

xanith02100

New member
Feb 1, 2009
121
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0
I would like to see the video of Yahtzee actually trying to remove the filling of a creame egg with a syringe. :>
 

Techni

New member
Oct 6, 2005
43
0
0
Snoopster said:
I'm all with you apart from one thing, ever played metroid prime hunters on the DS?
Yes, the controls sucked. They used the touch screen for far too much. Yes it was pretty precise for aiming which I enjoyed, but turning any more than like 90 degrees meant you had to lift the stylus off the screen (making you now vulnerable to attack) to start from the other side. It jumped a lot when you didn't want it to, and didn't jump a lot of the times you did want it to. Plus it had on screen buttons that would accidentally get hit during the aiming process.

Touch screens do not control anything but menus well
 

RAWKSTAR

New member
Jun 5, 2008
1,379
0
0
Love the way people have to quote bits of the video to prove they have watched it and to avoid being banned at the beginning of ZP Video Threads.

Wasn't the best ZP I've watched but I agree about the controls being a bit iffy.
 

Time Travelling Toaster

The Toast with the 'Tache
Mar 1, 2009
2,288
0
0
GTA branded easy bake ovens :D
sounds like something a very desperate company would do.

Anyway as always a good ZP the egg bit near the end was funny as well.
 

Agrosmurf

New member
Mar 31, 2009
242
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0
I have a Ds but the only game I ever liked was Mario Cart and even that wasent very good. Now for the past year my DS is sitting in the back of my closet gathering dust.

Great review as usual.
 

garnercx

New member
Apr 9, 2009
1
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0
Awesome. The The long tone was a B, which is the same key as the Zero Punctuation theme music. Nice touch!
 
Feb 6, 2009
314
0
0
It was a good review, and Yahtzee's right. Somehow, a game with many faults still ends up being good.

Fun game though.

I wonder...what would happen if Yahtzee tore apart Pokemon Platinum? Hmmm...
 

L4Y Duke

New member
Nov 24, 2007
870
0
0
Actually, this review makes me wonder if a DS port of the original Command & Conquer would work...

Oh, and sorry to hear about the failure of the pickle-egg.
 

MisterLillie

New member
Mar 18, 2009
573
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0
Patrick_and_the_ricks said:
I never expected him to do this, when I saw it it got me exited. (watching it in another window)

Edit: Wow, I'm surprised he didn't like it. I for one loved Gta: China town wars.... Still thats his opinion, even so I don't think filling a choclate egg with branston pickle is a good idea.

Edit...again: Every above me got banned, see I wanted to get one of the first posts so my opinion would be heard not for the first post bull. Why do people try to get first post? And when they do instead of using for a valid opinion they just yell first! or I'm and idiot for posting 30 seconds after a 5 minute video was released.... I'd like to see the day were the ban hammer doesn't fall on anyone in a Zp forum.
Your surprised he didn't like it? Have you ever watched zero punctuation? He doesn't like anything,
 

capnjack

New member
Jan 6, 2009
164
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0
Zand88 said:
I find it a bit annoying when Yahtzee starts to sound like he can speak for everyone. If you're going to review, you need to acknowledge that it's just your opinion. I don't always agree with him, but I find him funny and like to hear his thoughts. But in this review, just like others such as Mirror's Edge and Resident Evil, it borders on sounding like his opinion is the only one. You may think a game was bad, but that DOESN'T mean that popular opinion says it's bad. Quite the opposite, for all applied.

Then again, I guess maybe the part of Yahtzee's charm is that he's arrogant. It still makes me grind my teeth, though.
Or maybe you're just a moron.

A review is an opinion. You don't have to explicitly state that statements within the view are an opinion for that reason alone. This is exactly the same reason why lots of English teachers tell you not to use first-person pronouns in essays - or, at least, not unless you know what you're doing and using them sparingly for valid reasons.

"You may think a game was bad, but that DOESN'T mean that popular opinion says it's bad."

Your point, exactly? Yahtzee has his own opinion and disparages popular opinion quite often. You've got this whole thing quite wrong, he's never claimed his opinion is the most popular nor did he claim it is the only one. It's simply his opinion. The subtext of his arrogance is that popular opinion and most other opinions are stupid, and even if they aren't, they're irrelevant for the sake of his reviews.
 

300ccs of medicine

New member
Apr 9, 2009
63
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0
I'm really glad that games for the DS and other handhelds are starting to (or always have) suck, mostly because I despise the very existence of handheld game devices, and have since the gameboy came out. The only time I can possibly imagine it being an acceptable thing to use is if and only if you are either in a long line or are a passenger in a car driving a long way. Half my friends are into this and they actually sit in front of their televisions, with the TV off, and play the game. Seriously. WTF? I just don't get the point. When I am out and about doing things I actually have the condescending arrogance to expect other people who are doing those things to be paying attention, and tapping away at a DS is only more tolerable than shouting into your cell phone because I can ignore you while you ignore me while you're on your little game.


That said, GTA didn't sound like a good port onto a portable anyway, merely due to the restraints of the platform. And a great review by Yahtzee, he tears new ones I can't even reach half the time.
 

cancerbombs

New member
Apr 9, 2009
15
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0
I gotta say I was half looking forward to this game, but apparently my worst fear of blatantly pointless DS touchscreen integration have been realized.

Woe is me.
 

Racthoh

New member
Feb 9, 2009
86
0
0
Found this week's review a little dull. Nothing that made me laugh out loud like the RE 5 inventory/sidekick rant or what happens when the timer runs out in Halo Wars. He didn't sound as into it as usual, almost monotone at times.

300ccs of medicine said:
I'm really glad that games for the DS and other handhelds are starting to (or always have) suck, mostly because I despise the very existence of handheld game devices, and have since the gameboy came out.
Ditto. At least with the Gamecube it's possible to buy the Gameboy Player attachment and get more enjoyment out of the games.
 

Slug Nut

New member
Feb 11, 2009
12
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0
Good 'ol Yahtzee, keeping it real. I was suprised when I read some reviews on how much other reviewers loved it, and then to see Yahtzee bash it brought it back down into reality.

Btw,
Racthoh said:
Ditto. At least with the Gamecube it's possible to buy the Gameboy Player attachment and get more enjoyment out of the games.
I think it was also cheaper than the Game Boy Advance if I remember correctly.
 

gmanyo

New member
Apr 4, 2009
10
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0
I was hoping that this game would have something to do with the movie "Chinatown".
 

Mythbhavd

New member
May 1, 2008
277
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0
Mr0llivand3r said:
ok someone's gotta tell me

what the fuck is a Branston Pickle and why is it so epic?
It's a pickle relish made in the UK. You can find it in some places in the US and I understand it has a unique tang to it.
 

sameesme

New member
Jan 19, 2009
52
0
0
damn, I am PS3 owner and I have no hope for anything good coming out for my system for months. CURSE YOU WII-OWNERS! CURSE U NINTENDO!
 

Shadowlolz

New member
Mar 25, 2009
139
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0
Well the review was ...wel actually a review he pointed out very valid points within the game i agree with the review but thats usually no shock 70% of the time anyways. I almost pissed myself with the egg thing.
 

gmanyo

New member
Apr 4, 2009
10
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0
It kind of irks me how everyone just agrees with you and thinks that you're hilarious all the time, Yahtzee. But what's more annoying is how you're usually right and hilarious.
 

Kanashe

New member
May 8, 2008
95
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0
Alright, am I the only who's sick of Yahtzee bullshit tactic. 1st he takes jabs at Killzone 2, an instead of reviewin' it, he does other games. If your gonna take jabs at somethin', then please review it. Now, what can I say bout this review, again it's nothin' funny. For once he already took enough jabs at Nintendo and DS, so he just can't suprise with anythin' he didn' say already. Two, it's a retro style version of the very st GTA game, did ANYONE expect it to be great and just a bad shitty port. It's just, there's nothin' special bout this review aside from a big 'meh'
 

Zand88

New member
Jan 21, 2009
274
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0
CapnJack said:
Or maybe you're just a moron.
Feeling a bit touchy, are we? ;)

I wouldn't consider a review to be exactly the same as an opinion. Actually, I don't think they're even similar. But, that's besides the point.

He never explicitly said his opinion is the voice of popular opinion, and I never claimed that he did, either. I just said that he was approaching that attitude.
There's a point where he makes assumptions of public opinion, and that's fine in general. It mostly bothers me when he gets the popular opinion WRONG, or uses his own opinions as generally accepted fact, when it clearly isn't.
 

Jursa

New member
Oct 11, 2008
881
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0
Great review, too bad I liked Chinatown Wars. Awesome ending as well.
 

PandarenBa

New member
Mar 27, 2009
151
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0
Ah yes, now I realized what bothered me in this video. It was the jokes and the voice. I think some of the jokes were very similar to the ones you've made in your previous episodes and your voice sounded a bit weird... maybe it was the tone?

Are you currently having a flu or something? :<
 

capnjack

New member
Jan 6, 2009
164
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0
Zand88 said:
CapnJack said:
Or maybe you're just a moron.
Feeling a bit touchy, are we? ;)

I wouldn't consider a review to be exactly the same as an opinion. Actually, I don't think they're even similar. But, that's besides the point.

He never explicitly said his opinion is the voice of popular opinion, and I never claimed that he did, either. I just said that he was approaching that attitude.
There's a point where he makes assumptions of public opinion, and that's fine in general. It mostly bothers me when he gets the popular opinion WRONG, or uses his own opinions as generally accepted fact, when it clearly isn't.
You realize it takes all the fun out of it if you're going to handle my insults so maturely, right? Although I never did actually say you're a moron, really. I was just offering the suggestion. But perhaps that was premature of me.

Could you give examples of when he uses his opinions as generally accepted fact? And where he gets the popular opinion wrong? I'm curious now.
 

Ushario

New member
Mar 6, 2009
400
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I have no idea if Yahtzee even reads, or if he replies to these threads.

Anyway.

The AI being so poor could be the result of AI being fairly intensive. Hardware limitations could be the downfall here. Then again they could simply have been balancing the AI for gameplay reasons such as the poor control setup.
 

Falien

New member
Nov 21, 2008
118
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I wonder how many people are old enough to get the "30 GOTO 10" joke. Brilliant!
 

Yahtzee Croshaw

New member
Aug 8, 2007
6,655
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Brilliant as always, I wish I could have played the guy who shot the DS and GTA IV though. Shove over Yahtzee it's my turn.
 

hell4raizer

New member
Feb 20, 2008
53
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0
lol your videos are always fucking awesome! i think i'll spend my sunday watching all the ZP episodes again :p
 

Gerazzi

New member
Feb 18, 2009
1,073
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CMWaters said:
It's interesting to see the view on this subject matter.

Incidentally, I do think there are SOME games that impliment both standard control scheme and touch screens. "Super Princess Peach" is one (and yes, I am a guy and I like that game. So sue me.) "Sonic Rush" and "Sonic Rush Adventures" used it well too, really only using it for the chaos emeralds or seaboard missions respectively.
Your argument is rendered mute because you bought Sonic Rush Adventures which is essentially the same as Sonic Rush.

I couldn't ever get over the DS's terrible idea of controlling with a stylus and it only really works if you have that on thumb stylus that you have to buy for 10 dollars, that's 20 if you live in Australia or have to pay the cashier extra to have them give you a M rated game... I meeeeaaan... well yeah, good in concept.

I enjoyed the extremely old programming joke if I'm the only one who got that.
 

Mr0llivand3r

New member
Aug 10, 2008
633
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0
Mythbhavd said:
Mr0llivand3r said:
ok someone's gotta tell me

what the fuck is a Branston Pickle and why is it so epic?
It's a pickle relish made in the UK. You can find it in some places in the US and I understand it has a unique tang to it.
finally!!! new doors of knowledge have been opened to me!!!! :p
thanks
 

danebot

New member
Feb 16, 2008
5
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0
Zand88 said:
CapnJack said:
Or maybe you're just a moron.
Feeling a bit touchy, are we? ;)

I wouldn't consider a review to be exactly the same as an opinion.

He never explicitly said his opinion is the voice of popular opinion, and I never claimed that he did, either. I just said that he was approaching that attitude.

There's a point where he makes assumptions of public opinion, and that's fine in general. It mostly bothers me when he gets the popular opinion WRONG, or uses his own opinions as generally accepted fact, when it clearly isn't.
CapnJack is right.

I disagree, and you're so adamant about it because Yahtzee obviously said something you did not like, and you're trying to find a way to disprove it by making him wrong. We can't all like or believe everything you do.

When something is said, the opinion is implied. If you go to review site to have your mind made up for you, then you're just another weak consumer I'd rather not hang out with. If you think that anything that anyone says about a product is not an opinion, then you can't be helped. If he's saying "GTA3 was great and the first two were not good" when you disagree, then that is all it is. A conflict of, wait for it, opinions.

I like the game, Yahtzee does not, I thought the review was funny, and I still like the game.

Aside,

Theres a lot of trash talking about the DS touchscreen and this game, and I personally don't see the problem, and, with Yahtzee's preference for title innovation, I don't see why he'd also have a problem. When I'm playing this game, and 20 missions in, there's still new touch screen mechanics being thrown at me to keep the game fresh and interesting, I'm happier for it. This whole "just because you can doesn't mean you should" is silly. To me, it's more like "I can, and I will make it as immersive as possible."

But disclaimer, this is only my opinion and not to be treated as factual information.
 

Jupsto

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a new GTA set in london. thats something I would buy especially if it was set in the 60s. they've done every other era
 

Kiutu

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Yay, Yahtzee agrees with me! I dont like the touch screen aspect of the DS and miss classic Gameboy which I still play. I dont want to use the stylus ever, but most likely I will so I avoid DS. I do play it when my cousin brings it over but I dont miss it when he leaves.
 

Lord_Seth

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It's not really hard at all to play the game simultaneously with the stylus and normal buttons (except for maybe the ambulance missions) as long as you hold the stylus right.
 

nathan-dts

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Dyskresiac said:
nathan-dts said:
Found it below average compared to The Escapists other webseries'. I laughed only at the Cream egg/Branston Pickle joke.
I find this confusing since escapist is really nothing but a bunch of kids whining and complaining with very very low brow humor. (Save from Yahtzee.) It could be that you just happen to like that kind of "Leave your brain at the door" fart joke humor, at which case it doesn't surprise me that you don't enjoy ZP as much.


That being said, Yahtzee really cuts through the bull when it comes to games and isn't afraid to give a game a good review if it is actually good. See:portal, Super Paper Mario, Psychonauts, Saints Row 2, etc. I just find that a lot of other reviewers (primarily IGN) rate games based on the hype factor associated to them. GTA games will always get better reviews than Saints Row games simply because they're more popular. Oh and, do I have to invoke the "Kayne & Lynch" law of reviewing?

I do disagree with him a lot, specifically when it comes to JRPGs, but he defines what it is he likes, what it is he doesn't like, and lets you form your opinions around that. You might like something he hates, or vice-versa. It beats rating things on a scale of 1 to 10 and just leaving it open to guessing.

Thus, why I never pay attention to any other reviewer.
What? The Zero Punctuation brand of humour is the retarded "Leave your brain at the door" fart joke humour. You have your basic homosexual, breasts and dick jokes, with nothing really original at all.
 

Hemothorax

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Mar 27, 2009
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I hate to admit this, having bought the game...

But he is right. Again. I actually buy games he doesn't like because of the reasons he doesn't like it (House of the Dead, overkill being one of them), but most times, when Yahtzee burns down a game I thought I enjoyed, I find myselfs thinking... wait a sec, he's bloody right!

kinda spoils games (and practically makes good spend money wasted), I guess. ^^

On a sidenote, what the hell is branston pickle? I can't buy it here in Europe...
Edit: Oh, never mind, it's explained on this page :D
 

rurikar

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Mar 25, 2009
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I definitely expected this kind of review for a top down Grand Theft Auto on the Nintendo DS (underlined the things wrong with this title)

But great episode and was intrigued by the egg at the end :)
 

PsyberGoth

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Nov 9, 2008
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Funny Review, as always.

However, I loved GTA:CW. If Yahtzee doesn't like it, it's his problem.
 

PeaceFistCreations

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I just brought a shiny new DS lite, and this was the first game I brought with it, and I absolutely loved it, despite all the annoying problems Yahtzee accuratly pointed out.
The only one I don't agree with him on is the touch screen games, which I myself thought would be too distracting, but somehow they turned out just fine. They almost never have me fumbling around.
And I love the way they've implemented them, from slapping bugs onto cars to breaking out of sinking cars. There's as much variety of touch-screen mini-games as I hoped there'd be.
Its strange, ever since I'd brought this, I had this little fantasy going on in my head that Yahtzee would make a video of it, and low and freaking behold...
 

sfried

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Dec 20, 2007
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Hyper-space said:
Steven Kyzburg said:
Personally I don't see how you can have anything on the DS other than the good old Pokemon up, down, left,right zig zag movements.
true.
Contra? The latest Castlevania? Both of those don't use the touchscreen in-game at all.
Techni said:
HD, true surround sound, real multiplayer, real controls, and enough processing power to actually run the game for starters. All factors that DS/Wii don't have.
...
It's a shame developers waste time on the Wii/DS that would be better spent on real systems
HD, true surround sound, processing power are what make games enjoyable? You have your priorities mixed up young man...
Droz 12 said:
Wow he sounded kinda tired in this one.
I'd have to agree with this one. He had that going-through-the-motions voice as if he was reading off a script half-interested.

Also, would it be a crime to say I'd prefer a Kinder Surprise over a Cadbury Egg?
 

Schizzy

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Looks like Yahtzee's gonna go to a special circle of hell for that "Menace 2 society" sign-off :)

Refer to his Left 4 Dead review. You'll see.
 

srpilha

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Dec 24, 2008
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he did sound tired, but the text itself wasn't half bad.

also I love how the beeeeep at the end was in tune with the music. :)
 

whaleswiththumbs

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Feb 13, 2009
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Great video, loved it didn't expect it but hilarious all the same.

Why are people getting banned for saying the video was good? Is it a timing thing or what? Is there a cranky admin out there? you can have some candy if you want...(not being an ass, so don't think i am)
 

insanelich

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Sep 3, 2008
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GTA:CW is awesome, IMO.

And yes, I spent a hour or two trading drugs and bought every single safehouse in the game and then parked a sportscar in every garage, before proceeding much anywhere in the main storyline.

Though, the ONLY interrupting touchscreen controls are switching weapons and throwing grenades. Other than that you don't have to fiddle and interrupt controls.
 

qubit

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Sep 26, 2008
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SgtFlaman said:
Yet again Yahtzee saves me from buying a dumb looking game
The irony of this statement is thick enough to cut with a knife. I am under the pretty strong impression that Yahtzee doesn't want any reviews anyone does to influence one's opinions.
 

L_Lawliet

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Mar 24, 2009
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I have never actually had Branston Pickle, but all of your references to it makes me want to try it sometime...

Back on topic, you review was grand. As always, it was witty, truthful, and entertaining. I also liked the reference/analogy of the recession.

And finally, does anyone want a cookie from my GTA Easy-Bake oven?
 

Knight Templar

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Dec 29, 2007
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Zand88 said:
CapnJack said:
Or maybe you're just a moron.
Feeling a bit touchy, are we? ;)

I wouldn't consider a review to be exactly the same as an opinion. Actually, I don't think they're even similar.
Then what is a review? Are game reviews like like judging a dog at a show, where it is judged against an expectation of what a good game is suppost to be?

"11 hours long! That one hour over standard so -10 points."
 

theultimateend

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Patrick_and_the_ricks said:
I never expected him to do this, when I saw it it got me exited. (watching it in another window)

Edit: Wow, I'm surprised he didn't like it. I for one loved Gta: China town wars.... Still thats his opinion, even so I don't think filling a choclate egg with branston pickle is a good idea.

Edit...again: Every one above me got banned, see I wanted to get one of the first posts so my opinion would be heard not for the first post bull. Why do people try to get first post? And when they do instead of using it for a valid opinion they just yell first! or I'm and idiot for posting 30 seconds after a 5 minute video was released.... I'd like to see the day were the ban hammer doesn't fall on anyone in a Zp forum.
I like the game. However I'd like to point out that not a damn thing he sad was off :p.

He didn't pick out a single thing that wasn't on my mind while I played. Even his last line in the credits about the chick dying two missions in. I laughed.
 

Henriksen

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Jan 17, 2009
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I love this game. I think this review is mostly based on Yatzees hate for Nintendo.
 

gamma526

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Apr 11, 2009
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"just because you can have something doesn't mean you should"
That Part was one of the funniest lines in the video
 

raptorred

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Apr 12, 2009
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Hey Yahtzee, this is Eileen Stahl from over at Something Awful's ROM Pit. Just wanted to say you're probably my favorite comic on the web right now; in a world where people are increasingly relying on video delivery to make mediocre writing funny, you go the extra mile and come up with clever comparisons, transitions, and insights -plus you're angry and British.

Keep it up.
 

redkite2005

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Apr 12, 2009
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http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/photo.php?pid=1718866&id=523970993&ref=nf

A tribute to this video, my very own pickle filled easter egg!
 

Malmer

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Apr 23, 2008
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I loved GTA1 and GTA 2. Disliked any since. This is the first GTA I'm going to play in years.

There's games for all audiences, so this doesn't surprise me much.
 

itsmeyouidiot

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Dec 22, 2008
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Nice.

Look, I'm sure that anyone who's played this game knows that the controls work better than Yahtzee said and that the game is not as horrible as he thinks.

Also...

QUIT FUCKING ATTACKING NINTENDO

I think that if you review a game, you should review the actual game, not the totally awesome console that it's on. Nintendo's doing a lot of things right lately so why not bash Microsoft or Sony, you bigoted asshole.
 

holyknight234

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That was freaking hilarious, I was expecting him to rant about the game and the DS.
But why does he hate Nintedo so much...? It's not that bad :( (I like Wii :()
 

Daemon 085

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i thought chinatown wars loked like a step too far back in the past, the old top down viewpoint is dated and obsolete, if it were not just a DS game and didnt look like that id give it a go, but GTA4 ruined its chances for me, that game sucked, 1 play through and i didnt want to do it ever again
 

gmanyo

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I was actually hoping that this game would have something to do with the movie Chinatown, although on second thought, I don't think that Chinatown would make a very good videogame.
 

Neferius

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LMAO - The image at the end should really belong on one of those Demotivational Posters saying:
Context - Some things just seem Wrong without it o_O!
 

dennyaaa

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Jul 31, 2009
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Nice review but I do not agree with anything in it. So far I haven't had anything to complain about with this game. The control mechanic is tight, the humor is overall fun and you can go start havock within seconds. I mean who does not want to wreak havoc... On a DS?