Zero Punctuation: Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII

[Paradoxrifts]

This is like when you send a poorly cooked meal back to the kitchen, but it returns reeking urine.

Except the meal has been sent back to the kitchen for a second time. And now it has come back smeared with feces on top of even more urine this time around.

 

[Ryan Hughes]

Wait, so Chocorodeo, the person literally threatening the lives of about a dozen people on this thread, only got a 3-day suspension? Escapist, ban that person permanently. I do not take kindly to that type of behavior, and it should not be remotely tolerated by the moderators.

 

[InsanityRequiem]

On the side of Lightning characterization? The guy who made the games/Lightning character said that she's really popular in Japan. I want to know if that's even true. Is a character that has no character really that popular? Heck, those idiot main characters in harem mangas seem to have more character than Lightning.

You've seen anime, right?

Ever notice how the broody mc brooderson main character broodmaster of his brooding broodlings must brood his way through a broody setting seems to be all the rage?

What is popular in Japan is mysterious and strange. Characters are frequently 2 dimensional hypocrites.

Good review, or at least cemented my opinions of the Final Fantasy series (nothing good since 9).

I have seen anime, tend to read manga too. Heck, I am currently reading a manga that has a main character akin to Lightning. Emotionally dead(mother did experiments on him when he was a child which removed to his emotional capabilities) and something of a genius in his field. But even then, he still has more character than Lightning. Also involves a slightly future version of the world in which magic is invented and he has a little sister than has something of a brother complex for him. And still better than Lightning for some ungodly reason!

 

[Dynamite Headdy]

I watched some of LRR Kathleen's footage of the game a couple of weeks ago. She, too, observed that the game had a tendency to both discourage combat and require it at the same time. Apparently it just doesn't give as much benefit as just wandering around doing quests, so it doesn't feel like it's worth the trouble until you get to a boss fight and turn out to be woefully unprepared.

In any case, this was a highly entertaining video and Yahtzee deserves some positive feedback, so... here it is!

 

[Velric]

One this that confused me about this game: The cinematics are amazing, but the textures are absolutely terrible. One of the first towns you visit looks like something from 10 years ago, I think half-life 2 actually had better textures.

 

[Worgen]

I wonder if Yahtzee is aware of just how much funnier this review will be to Bronies like myself thanks to his continuous use of the word "clop" throughout this review. I can just imagine one of his friends whispering to him afterwards what it means and then just seeing him try and wrap his head around it.

Thank you for letting everyone know that you masterbate to children's cartoons. It truely enriched the discussion on this thread.

No, that's not right. What I meant to say that this post was more soul-killing than the ones made by the guy that got suspended.

I'm fairly sure before mlp, no one ever masturbated to a childrens cartoon.

 

[ClockworkPenguin]

On the side of Lightning characterization? The guy who made the games/Lightning character said that she's really popular in Japan. I want to know if that's even true. Is a character that has no character really that popular? Heck, those idiot main characters in harem mangas seem to have more character than Lightning.

You've seen anime, right?

Ever notice how the broody mc brooderson main character broodmaster of his brooding broodlings must brood his way through a broody setting seems to be all the rage?

What is popular in Japan is mysterious and strange. Characters are frequently 2 dimensional hypocrites.

Good review, or at least cemented my opinions of the Final Fantasy series (nothing good since 9).

Speaking of hypocrites, have you noticed all the brooding, gritty reboots in America lately?
Just pointing out this isn't really a Japan thing. All media across the world is composed of 80% mediocrity, 15% utter shit and 5% actual high quality stuff.

Actually, from a statistical point of view, that's kind of inevitable. If quality is normally distributed, then 70% will be 'average', 15% poor to terrible and 15% good to fantastic. If you assume that people's expectations will develop so that most media is judged relative to the average, then it will be the case no matter how good things actually are.

 

[Elyxard]

Everything I hear about these sequels tells me that there is absolutely no good reason for them to be tied to the FFXIII universe. If anything, that connection is the chain around their necks.

 

[IceForce]

Wait, so Chocorodeo, the person literally threatening the lives of about a dozen people on this thread, only got a 3-day suspension? Escapist, ban that person permanently. I do not take kindly to that type of behavior, and it should not be remotely tolerated by the moderators.

I was going to say exactly this.

It's amazing how much people are allowed to get away with here, and still be allowed to come back again.

 

[Penitent]

By god, he brought up toblerone...

 

[Krantos]

Poor Yahtzee, why does he do this to himself? I mean, I realize it is his job to play games, but honestly, he can take things easy on himself once in awhile and not go out of his way to find bad games to review. . . Though if reviews for Thief are any indication, this trend may continue for some time to come.

To be honest, I'm rather curious to see if he likes Thief. Yes, it's getting bashed by reviews, but I really can't fathom why.

I've put 10 hours into it so far and think it's the best recent stealth game we've seen. My only conclusion thus far, is that it's a little too niche. It doesn't really support the other play-styles that games like Dishonored and Splinter Cell have. Combat is very stacked against you. If you don't stick to the shadows and pay attention to the environment enemies spot you pretty quick. And you'll be hard pressed to keep using the best items if you don't take the time to swipe everything you see. It also requires a LOT of patience.

Maybe that's the problem. It's like they changed too much for hardcore Thief fans, but didn't make it accessible enough for people used to more action oriented stealth games.

For me, though, it has climbed to the #2 spot on my list of favorite stealth games (Chaos Theory still holds #1). It's got great atmosphere, solid mechanics, good pacing, and a surprising number of great little touches.

The little touches have me especially pleased. They did a lot of little things to make the stealth more engaging. Enemies hear it if you fail picking a lock. Walking over broken glass or in water make your steps louder. If you knock over or step on a vase or glass it will shatter, not only causing noise but also leaving debris on the floor that will crack if you step on it. If you leave a door, safe or chest open it will cause guards who see it to become suspicious. Lots and lots of really nice touches.

 

[shtoops]

He already did underpants modelling in the Little Big Planet review. It was fucking weird. And then after the credits, it turned demonic.

 

[proghead]

So this is shit and I'm not missing a thing then? Fine. Moving along.

 

[The Grim Ace]

The story of this game, at least as Yahtzee speaks of it, is such a compelling train wreck -- like the gaming version of The Room -- that I was briefly compelled to go and get this game. Then he mentioned the gameplay and the combat which reminded me of why I stopped playing Final Fantasy games after VI. Oh well, that's money saved.

 

[shrekfan246]

Didn't Thief come out this week? So why aren't you reviewing that?

Because he's on a one- or two-week buffer between new game releases and his reviews of them. Unless his schedule has changed massively over the past few years, he generally starts scripting for an episode during the week/weekend before the video actually goes up, and he has to actually have time to, you know, play the games. Thief literally came out yesterday (only in America, it's not out in Australia yet) and from what I understand Yahtzee doesn't generally receive review copies of games. Or at least not directly from the developers/publishers like The Escapist itself.

OT: Sounds about right. I saw the first three hours of the game twice, played by two different people, and they both had roughly the same reactions. And the random spike of damage-sponginess for the enemies seemed extremely odd and incredibly annoying. A boss fight seven hours into the game literally had something like 500x the amount of health the player had at that point.

 

[Tony2077]

hmm sound like it was a good thing i stopped watching these and caring about what people think of games

 

[Ryan Hughes]

Poor Yahtzee, why does he do this to himself? I mean, I realize it is his job to play games, but honestly, he can take things easy on himself once in awhile and not go out of his way to find bad games to review. . . Though if reviews for Thief are any indication, this trend may continue for some time to come.

To be honest, I'm rather curious to see if he likes Thief. Yes, it's getting bashed by reviews, but I really can't fathom why.

I've put 10 hours into it so far and think it's the best recent stealth game we've seen. My only conclusion thus far, is that it's a little too niche. It doesn't really support the other play-styles that games like Dishonored and Splinter Cell have. Combat is very stacked against you. If you don't stick to the shadows and pay attention to the environment enemies spot you pretty quick. And you'll be hard pressed to keep using the best items if you don't take the time to swipe everything you see. It also requires a LOT of patience.

Maybe that's the problem. It's like they changed too much for hardcore Thief fans, but didn't make it accessible enough for people used to more action oriented stealth games.

For me, though, it has climbed to the #2 spot on my list of favorite stealth games (Chaos Theory still holds #1). It's got great atmosphere, solid mechanics, good pacing, and a surprising number of great little touches.

The little touches have me especially pleased. They did a lot of little things to make the stealth more engaging. Enemies hear it if you fail picking a lock. Walking over broken glass or in water make your steps louder. If you knock over or step on a vase or glass it will shatter, not only causing noise but also leaving debris on the floor that will crack if you step on it. If you leave a door, safe or chest open it will cause guards who see it to become suspicious. Lots and lots of really nice touches.

Yeah, despite how mean Yahzee can be to some games, on a rare occasion he will give a fair shake to a game disliked by critics and come to its defense. Though, I think he may fall into your definition of the 'hardcore Thief fan.' I have not played the game personally, but I was someone who was disappointed by Tomb Raider 2013, so the whole of Eidos and of SquareEnix is something I am doubtful about, I hope you can understand.

 

[geldonyetich]

Wow, Square-Enix really dropped the ball on this one: they could have named the game, "Lightning Strikes Twice" and it would have been a way cooler way to title a sequel.

[Basically the combat system revolves around an excuse to dress your characters in more and more skimpy undergarments.]

SOLD! I'll go out and buy a Playstation 4 immediately just to play this ga- oh, what? The Playstation 4 isn't reverse compatible? Well, I don't feel comfortable buying a Playstation 3 knowing it's already obsolete. Nevermind, then.

 

[Naqel]

I like the idea of switching classes mid fight, FF13 is just doing it wrong.

I'm waiting for Final Fantasy X-2 HD to get my fix of "probably combat, mostly dress up".
Original X-2 is just aware enough that it's shit to make it mostly enjoyable, and I hope they keep that feeling in the remake.

 

[bartholen_v1legacy]

Did Yahtzee just make a Bender reference? Funniest review in a long time.