Zero Punctuation: The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena

wolfshrimp

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BlueInkAlchemist said:
I don't know which bit I liked more, the Puritan cameo or Assault on Cool Ranch Doritos.

petrolmonkey said:
What did happen to Vin Diesel's career?
The problem with too much masturbation is you get raw after a while. Hence atrocities such as Fast & Furious and that game that would be called "Totally Not a Game Based on Vin Diesel's Fast and Furious Character, Honest." but was shortened to "Wheelman."
I saw the poster for Wheelman and my mind just went "Hang on."

Reduced myself to tear of laughter over this but I think it was helped a lot by looking at the bunny suicides pictures. Type bunny suicides into google if you don't already know what I mean.

The crisp jokes were brilliant. I don't think Yahtzee is getting less funny, it's just some games offer more to his comedy and others to his reviews. There we go, jolly Britishers rooting for each other (I said FOR) Pip-pip Tally-ho and all that Hollywood claptrap that we are supposed to spout.
 

TsunamiWombat

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Pretty good and I got the feeling he just liked the game. Unless you can point out actual gameplay flaws Yahtzee, it's just artiste blather.
 

jemborg

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ix_tab said:
Also, I...didn't notice any appreciable speed difference in the way Yahtzee talked. Then again, he never seems particularly fast spoken to me.

I guess because I'm an Aussie, and our way of speaking is to speed everything up, and slur it together!

Let's hear it for strine! :D
Onya mate. But, don't forget, he was born a whinging Pommy bastard!!! :p

So he not exactly dinky-di. Explains a lot.. I mean... How can you tell if a British Airways jet has arrived? Answer: The plane keeps on whining after they turn the engines off!

Chupter later? Maybe I'll seeya on Live. (This game... emmichizzit anyway? "Arm arm, I've been bitten by a red-backed spider! Buy me this gaaaame!")

On topic. I've always been fond of Diesel. He often brings more depth to those he-man roles than many others. But it depends on the flick- many have been on the nose. The first game was enough for me, it looked pretty good, although the environments were claustrophobic, it doesn't need a remake.

JimmehC said:
Yahtzee deserves a OBE. End. Of. Discussion.
Actually, that would be an OA in Oz mate. (Order of Australia)
 

Metalrocks

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i think so too that he was talking really fast. the review was still funny.

i have the game my self but havent finished it yet. i have to agree that the game it self is OK but could have been better. butcher bay surely was a damn great game but with this one, well, i hoped for more.
 

beonka

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Wonderful review! As entertaining as always! Thanks for making my day ^^


Also i just wanted to get this off my chest...:
it's annoying when fans say "don't take him serious he's only meant to be funny"
I think Yahtzee has very valid points... And is very skilled with his terminology. He deserves respect at as a adept critic.

and

take away what ever you want from his review... Just remember that one person's opinion differs from another.

And

STOP WHINING! ><

<3Bianca.-
 

Arkhangelsk

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I'd love to see him review Bayonetta, cause he would make so many jokes about the games sexual obsession and how it was probably designed by lonely 15 year-olds.
 

Sovvolf

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jon_a_ross said:
I agree that the character of Riddick was well done in Pitch Black. I really was disappointed when in the second movie only four characters had names and the rest were generic thugs or plot devices alone. I still fear that they will finally produce the third movie to cap that series.

Of course, if the writers keep spending their energy on these games we may be safe.

The review itself I quite enjoyed. Well done.
Is it just me or did Riddick go all Super sayjin 4 in the time between Pitch black and Chronicles of riddik??, becuase in Pitch Black, he gets into the fight with the guard and wins but it takes quite a fight out of him, along with when he defeats them monsters. In Chronicles he some how able to take on 40 trained fighters at once, along with beating an extremley powerfull necromancer. In Pitch Black he was a bad arse but at least believable in Chronicles they went over the top.
 

ZippyDSMlee

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Great review!

Though I have to say most of the "metiroda" have been good solid fun titles.....

Oh I can't wait till he reviews Dues ex 3 with the cover system that amplifies health regeneration and its FP/3rdP switching......
 

Name Not Found

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MisterColeman said:
I laughed several times, good filler episode if we can call them that, but not one I'm going to remember and keep going back to.
Filler? I wasn't aware that zero punctution has a continuing storyline and plot.
 

Amogrr

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Mar 8, 2009
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Do Wolverine, yahtzee!

Play the wii/ps2 version. It'll make you feel a lot happier about Mirrors edge :D
 

Stabber1010

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Amogrr said:
Do Wolverine, yahtzee!

Play the wii/ps2 version. It'll make you feel a lot happier about Mirrors edge :D
That could either end in hilarity or extreme tragedy for yahtzee.

Telling Yahtzee to do "movie game" (and saying it's good! Yes, I've lost all hope in movie games) is like telling a piano player, who's been playing for 45 years that Coldplay's Cemeteries London is hard to do on the piano.
 

Metalrocks

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SatansBestBuddy said:
Well, since I've never played Butcher Bay before, I was wondering, is the remake was at all worth the 7$ rental?
butcher bay is really a good game, i can recomend it. i thought so too that it sucks but it does not.

i am still playing the new one and i have to say, i am a bit dissapointed. was hopping for more.
 

Amogrr

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Stabber1010 said:
Amogrr said:
Do Wolverine, yahtzee!

Play the wii/ps2 version. It'll make you feel a lot happier about Mirrors edge :D
That could either end in hilarity or extreme tragedy for yahtzee.

Telling Yahtzee to do "movie game" (and saying it's good! Yes, I've lost all hope in movie games) is like telling a piano player, who's been playing for 45 years that Coldplay's Cemeteries London is hard to do on the piano.
Exactly what I'm going for :)Yahtzee relishes games he can slice up (!).

PC/PS360 was actually pretty good though.
 

A.A.K

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k, the Escapist Magazine should really do this instead of leaving it to us followers but i was able to make an exact transcript which took 2 hours....-_-
but here it is!

Ok so Pitch Black was good if you?re into that sorta thing, it had Claudia Black getting her crotch pulled off and that?s always a plus but the best part was the character of Riddick because he was clearly needed for the survival of the other characters but entirely unpredictable. You were never certain whether he was genuinely motivated by a genuine spark of compassion inside his stony psychotic exterior or if he was just serving the others so he could pull out their brain matter and use their empty skulls as muesli bowls. Vin Diesel then grabs the completely wrong end of the entirely wrong stick and decided that everyone was just there to see Vin Diesel run round saying badass one-liners in a voice that suggested he had severe congestion.
So he vowed to see how long single-handedly he could keep a franchise going based entirely on that alone. Shortly after ?The Chronicles of Riddick? film burst into cinemas, killed all the characters interesting mystique and quietly snuck away to die. But lets be kind enough and forget about that and talk about the games. Ok, so escape from Butcher Bay was a good game if your into that sort of thing, it had the ability to creep up behind a guard and dig out all his childhood with a screw driver, and that?s always a plus but it wasn?t the kind of criterion collection timeless classic that demands a remake, a notion which someone was thankfully able to crowbar into Vin Diesels head but persuaded him to rerelease Butcher Bay with an additional campaign tacked on; Assault on Vinegar. ..Err Dark Athena. Lets not waste the universes time pretending that there?s much essential difference between the set-ups between Assault on Vinegar and Escape from Smokey Bacon.
Riddick is placed somewhere he doesn?t want to be in an interior that was designed from something like the Doom 3 engine and endeavours to not be in a place that he doesn?t want to be in. On the way he kills a lot of people but they all mutter to themselves about how much they like stepping on fluffy yellow Easter chicks all day so that?s alright. That?s one the on-curring things in the Chronicles of Riddick Adventures actually. Writers desperately try to come up with enemies that are socially less likeable then the socially inept baldly headed douche that we?re supposed to root for.
Anyway, let?s leave that aside from now and look at the gameplay point. Its first person, all the benefit of Vin Diesel to project except the occasional inexplicable cuts to third person whenever Riddick climbs up things, all the benefits of Vin Diesel to imagine his self-imaginary rippling selves body. Best of Both Worlds. Speaking of which, the gameplay is mostly stealth focused. Hang on, they?ve given us a gun, I guess it?s a shooter now then. Oh, No wait, my guns? tritely fell behind a fridge and all my other guns spontaneously disintegrated, now its melee brawler. Gameplay does tend to tremble back and forth between the 3 main stations of the FPS circle line and to its credit they all seem to function surprisingly well.
The guards are sufficiently thick and slow moving enough to make stealth viable and if you get bored you always have the option of snapping peoples? necks like freshly bread sticks. Melee combat is nicely visceral and punching someone has the actual weighted feeling of actually punching someone as opposed to wondering your knuckles around till they fall over and shooting people with guns is just as wholesome and rewarding as it is in real life.
Although the locational damage is a little mental when a headshot is an instant kill and blowing off their knee caps is about as effective as a foot massage; At times though the schizophrenic changing of gameplay makes me want to fold my arms and sit down and refuse to continue until the game makes its bloody mind up!
I?ll be crawling along from shadow to shadow in stealthy mode when 50 guys burst in and I realise we switched to shooter mode when I wasn?t looking, which makes me feel like a bit of a wolly. The difficulty curve is all over the place when you could be riding around in a powered robot suit one moment and have girly hair pulling slap fights the next. Assault on Cool Ranch Doritos gets particularly unfocused around 4hours in when Riddick goes through what is unmistakably a final boss fight with something which is equally unmistakably an ending. Only for the game to keep going in a different location for an hour or two before going through another final boss fight with the exact same villain who seemed pretty spritely for someone who just ended up with a fucking spike through their neck the first time around. My theory is that Dark Athena contains 2 Mission Packs that were inexpertly mashed together after it became sure that the second one became too short and too shit.
It?s in this Chapter that we?re introduced to the Spider Turret. A small wall mounted enemy which is very hard to spot and can knock off all your health in 2 hits from 2 continents away. An enemy which could have only been designed by some kind of sinister conspiracy of 16th Century Puritans who could have only been working to eliminate the very concept of fun. Butcher Bay was good, but remakes are bad. See how this works? If all we do is remake and re-release what was good then we end up circling the same drain various Nintendo properties that they have been monopolizing the last 20 lucrative years.
Disregard that aspect and concentrate on the expansion pack or packs because that?s exactly what Dark Athena is. More percent gameplay in new, darker, emo cals?. I guess it would be your sort of thing if you thought Butcher Bay needed 6hours of extra length that gradually glide downhill in quality or if you still give a shit about Riddick as a character in which case HELLO VIN DIESEL for you are the only one.
Riddick in Pitch Black had some personality, a sense of humour, actual flaws which ambiguous models like what us tiresome human beings have but now he?s just an infallible cardboard cut-out who does nothing but growls threats and pretentious bullshit one-liners that?s supposed to make him sounds more like warrior poet but more give the impression he has fortune cookies papers glued to the inside of his goggles.
I understand it?s fun to jerk off Mr. Diesel but most of us don?t try to make a franchise out of selling the sticky tissues as since you asked; No, I probably wouldn?t say that to your face.