SupahEwok Presents: Disorder Reviews
Rating System: what kind of hack needs a score to sum up the product of their intellect, much less 3 of them?
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WEEDING
Rating System: what kind of hack needs a score to sum up the product of their intellect, much less 3 of them?
The IP owner of Disorder reviews has optioned his fair and unassailable right to actually turn this cesspit of a column into something resembling a mildly profitable venture, and thus is bringing on true writers of vision and class to supplement the abysmal efforts of whatever know-nothing that has been "working" on it to date and whom probably undeservedly won the rights originally through cheating some rube at cards
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WEEDING
As conceived by: Boomers
As required by: the Nazis at the HOA
Release Date: probably the 50's or some shit
Systems: Trowels, Hoes, Bare Bleeding Fingernails
Genre: Gardening
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Gardening, as a concept, reflects an inner human need to fight the unyielding entropy of existential decay through the act of encouraging the proliferation of life and growth. Most commonly in world cultures, this is encouraged through the act of birthing and raising children, the extention of our race. Others, perhaps wary of tantrums, may perhaps instead choose to care for a pet, such as a dog or Tamagotchi. Gardening is yet further down the list than that. One is inclined to scoff at men and women of green thumbs as taking the nonchallenging, even "easy" route to life proliferation, and in some respect, they would be correct to do so. Yet such disparaging and gatekeeping hides an inner jealousy.
After all, nobody calls the police on you if you tear out a rose bush that won't grow properly out by the roots and light the fucker on fire (remember to practice proper safety, folks! Fire Waste Can Never Be Replaced!).
One can appreciate the great advantages gardening has over other genres of life rearing. But just like all the others, gardening has its fair share of work. One must cultivate the very soil, ensuring vital nutrients are dispersed throughout and the dirt tilled for the ease of roots. Water must be allocated, climate appropriate shrubberies selected, trees carefully pruned with an eye to the well-being of the whole ecosystem. The divisions of labor at play synthesize into a joyous harmony, all but one. And that, reader dearest, brings us to our topic: weeding. I shall now expound on the difficulties and frustrations of what is, perhaps, the least fulfilling of all of our good God's conceptions.
Ahem.
STUPID MOTHERFUCKING WEEDS, WHY IS THERE ALWAYS FUCKING MORE OF YOU, IT IS GOD DAMN FUCKING 95 DEGREES OUT IN MAY ALREADY AND YOU FUCKERS JUST WONT RUN OUT, YOU GODSDAMN USELESS FUCKING PLANTS, A POX ON ALL OF YOUR HOUSES YOU INVASIVE INGRATES HOW DARE YOU ENCROACH ON MY GARDEN YEAR AFTER YEAR DECADE AFTER DECADE I HATE THIS IT NEVER ENDS MY FINGERS ARE BLEEDING I AM UPTURNING THE SOIL TO PULL YOU SONS OF WHORES UP BY THE ROOTS BUT I KNOW YOU'LL SHOW UP AGAIN NEXT WEEK GOD RAT FUCKER MY BACK AND KNEES ARE KILLING ME THIS IS FUCKING WHY ALL THOSE OLD PEOPLE IN HELLSPAWN JAPAN ARE ALL HUNCHED OVER FROM WORKING IN THE FUCKING RICE PADDIES WHO IN THE FUCK CAME UP WITH THIS SHIT AND WHY IS IT PROLIFERATED ACROSS GENERATIONS THIS WAS A TERRIBLE FUCKING IDEA THERE MUST BE SOME FUCKING BOURGEOIS CLASS ELEMENT TO THIS FUCK YOUR AMERICAN DREAM WE NEED TO GO BACK TO THE ROMANS THEY FUCKED CARTHAGE AND SALTED THE EARTH TO MAKE SURE NOTHING COULD EVER GROW AGAIN WHICH IS HOW THE SAHARA GOT STARTED AND THEY WERE GOD DAMN RIGHT TO DO SO THIS IS THE MOST STUPID FUCKING THING IN THE FUCKING WORLD WHY WOULD ANYBODY BOTHER SUBJECTING THEMSELVES TO THIS FUCK THE FUCKING PLANET GAIA ALL WE ARE IS INERT STAR MATTER AND SOME DAY WE'LL BE DISPERSED TO SUCH AN EXTENT THAT THE UNIVERSE WILL BE AS COLD AND LIFELESS AS BEELZEBUB'S ASSHOLE SO WHY THE FUCKING PRETENSIONS THERE'S A ***** OF AN ITCH ON MY LEFT ASS CHEEK AND I SCRATCHED IT AND NOW THERE'S DIRT ALL IN MY ASSCRACK WHY AM I FUCKING DOING THIS, I AM FUCKING ALLERGIC TO THIS GOD FORSAKEN FLORA AND MY EYES FEEL LIKE AL PACINO IS RUBBING SANDPAPER IN THEM THAT HE'D FIRST SPREAD WITH FUCKING SHIT FROM THE ASS OF A PRIAPISTIC ELEPHANT WITH AN EATING DISORDER AND DIARRHEA, OH GOD I CAN BARELY BREATHE AND IT IS SO FUCKING HOT THIS MUST BE WHAT HELL IS LIKE FOR WEEBS BECAUSE IT COMBINES THE FUTILITY OF SISYPHUS' STRUGGLE WITH THE FACT THAT I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO TOUCH MY DICK FOR A WEEK CUZ IT'S SO FUCKING SWEAT CHAFED IN MY GOD DAMN DRAWERS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE THAT THIS IS A SOCIETAL EXPECTATION, FUCK THE HOA, FUCK SOCIETY, AND FUCK YOU
3.5/10 I would be a little more willing to repeat than to sleep with Martin's mom.
