Fetishes And The People Who Love Them

[Mark J Kline]

Fetishes And The People Who Love Them

Just because you're different doesn't mean that you need to be alone.

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[jdogtwodolla]

Huh, I should take some of that to heart (even though I don't really have a certain fetish).

OOH! What if there could be an Ask Dr. Mark Panel at Expo 2012?

 

[Mark J Kline]

Huh, I should take some of that to heart (even though I don't really have a certain fetish).

OOH! What if there could be an Ask Dr. Mark Panel at Expo 2012?

Apparently his live panels are amaaaaazing

 

[Formica Archonis]

Of course, I have no idea what your sexual fantasies involve and I can certainly imagine some so violent and destructive that they would indeed be practically impossible.

Wow. It is good or bad that I didn't think of "impossible due to their violent and destructive nature" so much as "impossible because one will never have thirty tentacle-dicks"?

(body parts, articles of clothing, hardware, your iPhone)
Rounded edges: Good.
Lack of flared base: Bad. You will be a funny ER story.

Dr. Mark Kline doesn't remember as much sex in the Game of Thrones books as he sees on HBO.
I hate sex on the telly. I keep falling off.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

(Cue person complaining about too many fetishists on the escapist)

I really liked what he said about the need for human relationships to sustain whatever it is in us that desires sex. I've seen many, many people online, both male and female, who act as though relationships are an unnecessary construct from the past. Maybe "those" people can just materialize sex out of thin air with such frequency that they don't need a boyfriend or girlfriend, but for most people, it would really really be nice to have someone we can go to with a certain amount of regularity and form an emotional bond with. I don't even understand the concept of wanting to have sex with someone you didn't have feelings for. Maybe I'm weird, but the act of sex in of itself really doesn't compare to straight masturbation. The only reason the times I've had sex were fun and special were because I truly cared about the person I was fucking and wanted to have fun with her specifically. I don't know how people just fuck and leave without ever speaking again. It eats me up inside sometimes when I think back on my only experiences with sex (and being subsequently ignored).

I think the person who wrote the letter probably hasn't actually been in a decent relationship and such ancillary fetish stuff would go away in pursuit of two person activities. With internet pornography, we may have made ourselves too dependent on the orgasmic fantasies in our own minds and it doesn't translate particularly well to actual intercourse. It doesn't mean "regular" sex can't be enjoyable though. The first time somebody touched me, I was shaking involuntarily, not because of nervousness, but the foreign sensation of human contact. I found that a few hours after that, none of my porn or my fantasies "worked" anymore because it just couldn't recreate reality the same way.

So, short version of point I was trying to make - If you truly cared about someone other than yourself, then your fetishes wouldn't matter as much you think they do. It doesn't make you a "bad or selfish person," but you might not have had the opportunity to give something of yourself to someone else (emotionally). In other words, pursue relationships with other people and ignore what gets you off. And maybe months down the line you'll find out that he/she is "into it."

 

[OneTwoThreeBlast]

I think the person who wrote the letter probably hasn't actually been in a decent relationship and such ancillary fetish stuff would go away in pursuit of two person activities.

I'm sorry, but this is totally untrue in many/most cases. I suggest that anyone interested in this -- whether it's because you feel alone/you won't find anyone for you, or because you simply take an interest in psychology -- look up the Savage Love column by Dan Savage. It's a weekly column that's all about sex. One of the most common problems that people email him is how to satisfy a fetish within a relationship, or how to deal with the fetish of a partner. First, Dan Savage gives amazing advice. Second, people with fetishes won't feel nearly (or perhaps at all) as hopeless and alone once they read his stuff (though not all of it is related to this subject; you'll have to seek out those particular columns/emails, but they're pretty darn easy to find). Third, it's an awesome column and you should read it!

I myself have a fetish. It's a strange one, but not in any way destructive or hurtful to a partner. Still, I have never revealed it to a partner because I'm worried they'll see me as strange or perverted. Really, my fetish isn't any stranger than, say, a foot fetish, but it is a bit less common. I still don't know how I'll ever reveal it to a partner, or find a partner who is interested in it.

But this last point is important, for reasons the Savage Love column elucidates. Most people who write in about it write in asking how they can satisfy their partner's strange fetish even though they themselves don't share it. Savage suggests that people be good partners who are willing to try anything within reason and comfortability if it will make their partner happy and satisfied. Why? Because they themselves will also feel satisfied, and will enjoy a better relationship. As I said: it has to be within reason and the partner must be comfortable with it. But this advice tells people that it's ok if your partner has a fetish that may seem strange, and it's ok to be trepidatious when it comes to fulfilling it; but, most of all, it's ok to engage with your partner in fulfilling it, and it's not nearly as strange as you might initially think.

EDIT: so I guess my main point is that, for all of those who feel they may never find someone with the same fetish, you have to know that it's ok! Even if you don't, you may very well find a partner who cares for you so much that they are willing to fulfill it anyway, provided that it's not harmful and doesn't make them uncomfortable (a good example of the former would be stomping small animals with heals; a good example of the latter would be anything involving poop or vomit....ewwwwuggghhhh).

 

[GonzoGamer]

Am I the only one that read the question and thought he kind of missed the point? From how the question is worded, I was guessing his/her fetish is along the lines of shrinking to the size of a mouse and being swallowed whole or watching your partner turn purple and inflate like a giant blueberry. In any case, I don't think the advice works if the desire is a logical/physical impossibility.

But he did say that it would be "too much to ask" of someone which leads me to believe that it's in the realm of possibility.
What occurs to me is that the one with the question may be into things that very few unstable people may be up for taking part in: cannibalism (many want to be eaten, few want to actually be digested), mutilation, or something like that. Of course then the one with the question would have to be pretty unstable too.

 

[axlryder]

Am I the only one that read the question and thought he kind of missed the point? From how the question is worded, I was guessing his/her fetish is along the lines of shrinking to the size of a mouse and being swallowed whole or watching your partner turn purple and inflate like a giant blueberry. In any case, I don't think the advice works if the desire is a logical/physical impossibility.

pretty much. When I read the question I instantly thought of this:

 

[zelda2fanboy]

I'm sorry, but this is totally untrue in many/most cases.

I guess the phrase "go away" was a little too strong, but I still think it wouldn't be as big a part of a person's life as you might think it would be. You're right, people are often more open minded than one might expect and what you're saying is sort of what I was trying to get across. You just can't lead with "I like this and only this and will only settle for someone who does this." As Chris Rock so eloquently put it, "There's no such thing as a soul mate. You aren't going to find another person who likes Seinfeld and the Wu Tang Clan." The point is that relationships are based around compromise. You try to find as much overlapping stuff in common as possible, but there's no reason to hold out for someone who is exactly like you in every possible way. Again, like that episode on Seinfeld, "I hate myself. I don't want someone just like me."

I think that's a really valid point that I immediately got once you put it there in front of me. God knows I have a lot of fetishes I wouldn't dream of realizing but at the end of the day, once you are in a relationship and you start sharing your life with somebody, completely new parts of you grow and eventually all those fetishes that seemed like a pretty big part of you just change into something entirely different that is usually much more compatible with the person you love.

To share a personal story - I met a woman online who was really into BDSM, which I personally never really cared for. However, I was able to have some pretty great cyber sex via text, just by describing fantasy scenarios of BDSM situations. And stuff from my imagination that only mildly turned me on, REALLY turned her on. It was easy for me to do and she couldn't believe I could write it out so well. When we finally did meet and have sex, the thought of engaging in BDSM stuff hardly even occurred to either of us. (Though it was in the back of my mind when I tried a position or two. I could tell she appreciated it.)

 

[XDravond]

Try to get a human relationship with someone who understands you have a fetish and can accept it.

Is a short simple answer to this question.

I believe that hiding your fetish from the person you have a relationship with is a bad idea. A fetish is a part of you and if your "second half" can not accept it then you should head of in search for your "real" half. Your second half (or for that matter third/fourth/fifth.. part) does not need to share all interests in your life and a fetish is most surely an "interest".
I sure have some "interesting" fetishes but it's nothing I would scream out on first date... But if I get in to a more serious relationship it wouldn't be something I could "not mention" just to have a "normal" relationship...
If nothing else fetishes can be fun to discuss between people whom you trust enough to tell about "your friends fetish" or "I saw this on the 'net"....

Only people whom are afraid (as I see it anyhow) to be different refuse to claim they have fetish, it might be an average "boobs","but" or "arm" fetish or a slightly more exotic one like BDSM or old/young, to the truly unusual/less known/less accepted like poop, furry or necrophilia...
We all (almost I guess...) have one, it's just about what the one (or many) you like to spend the rest of your life with can accept them, (and if you can accept theirs)
Telling anyone what "interest" it actually is, is something different though...

(Find your and most "paraphilias" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_paraphilias)

 

[Dastardly]

Fetishes And The People Who Love Them

Just because you're different doesn't mean that you need to be alone.

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Really glad to see you back, Dr. Mark!

This seems like a tough question to really answer without more specific details about the particular "impossible" fantasies involved, but I think you did a good job giving a blanket answer without having to pry.

Odds are, no one is ever "the only one." Even if you've got some fantasy about killing someone during sex, or having someone kill you during sex, you're bound to find someone who shares the interest and is willing to roleplay it with you (though we could also go into whether or not an idea like that is worth feeding...).

It's one of the fantastic things about the internet, really. It's the tool that allowed geeks, freaks, nerd, oddballs, and weirdos of all types to form communities and make friends, even if they're the only ones in their respective towns.

 

[subtlefuge]

I personally have something that treads the line between fantasy and fetish, it probably helps in my case that it's only a costume related thing, but I've told every girl I've been in a serious relationship with, and while a few have laughed more than a little bit, they have all been mostly fine with it. As far as advice goes:

1. Everything Dr. Mark says is golden.

2. Don't refer to "traditional sex" as "vanilla" or even "traditional". There is such a wide range of socially acceptable sexual activity that you ought to be able to find something that you and a partner will enjoy. Calling sex vanilla places someone fairly obviously in the realm of pornography, rather than sexual activity.

3. Broach the subject with your partner as early as you feel comfortable. If it's a dealbreaker for you, and they don't feel comfortable with it, you're obviously not going to be compatible.

4. Reciprocate. Sex is about intimacy, and if it becomes too much about the scenario for you, you'll lose the ability to connect with someone on a meaningful level. Your fetish will likely take from most people, so be willing to give.

5. Honestly, sharing something this deep and personal with another person can greatly improve your connection with someone. However, you need to understand that they may not understand it or be willing to tolerate it. And that's fine if they don't.

 

[Noble_Lance]

Dear Dr. Mark,

The entirety of the scenes were on Dailymotion. You can enjoy them now.

 

[tehweave]

Good question.

Good answer.

 

[Alexnader]

Fetishes And The People Who Love Them

Just because you're different doesn't mean that you need to be alone.

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Great to see another one of these articles!

The original questioner seems to say that his fetishistic desires have reached a level where he cannot imagine being in a "normal" relationship. As if there was a progression, where the fetish has increased to such a magnitude that it's the only thing he desires. Would repeated exposure to fetishistic material through porn and fantasies generally strengthen the fetish or sate it?

If exposure increases the dependence could that be used as a valid argument against hardcore "fetish" pornography?

It's probably a case of different strokes for different folks (Given the subject matter I can't not use that phrase) but it's still interesting. Would the porn act as a healthy outlet or could it be addictive? Or more likely both or none at all?

*Captcha: "head case"

 

[Andy of Comix Inc]

Am I the only one that read the question and thought he kind of missed the point? From how the question is worded, I was guessing his/her fetish is along the lines of shrinking to the size of a mouse and being swallowed whole or watching your partner turn purple and inflate like a giant blueberry. In any case, I don't think the advice works if the desire is a logical/physical impossibility.

As some with a physically impossible fetish (one you mentioned even, how polite!), I actually would say that his advice is 100% solid. Even if a paraphilia can't be acted upon with 100% success, that doesn't disclude outlets like sexual roleplaying, online sex, etc. ...the part about needing to feel validated or like you belong is absolutely correct for every "odd" fetish, even the ones that can't exist.

I mean, I was in a relationship once and I was able to with a great deal of satisfaction play out my otherwise impossible fetish. It all hindered on exactly what Mark said here - finding and maintaining a relationship built on enough trust that such questions like "would you help me act out (fetish A)" are treated with dignity and respect, goes a long way to developing a satisfying and emotionally healthy outlet for that fetish. I've experienced it first-hand, and all of Mark's advice absolutely applies to it, even if it doesn't delve specifically into it.

And, also worth pointing out! This is a videogame forum. Surely most of us act out the impossible every day, albeit not in "real life"? People are drawn to experiences, and simulations work well enough for a great deal many things. Even sexual stuff. I mean, why else do you think Dark Souls sold so well? ...masochists were totally its target audience. Think about it.

 

[Dastardly]

Only people whom are afraid (as I see it anyhow) to be different refuse to claim they have fetish, it might be an average "boobs","but" or "arm" fetish or a slightly more exotic one like BDSM or old/young, to the truly unusual/less known/less accepted like poop, furry or necrophilia...

We all (almost I guess...) have one, it's just about what the one (or many) you like to spend the rest of your life with can accept them, (and if you can accept theirs)
Telling anyone what "interest" it actually is, is something different though...

(Find your and most "paraphilias" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_paraphilias)

I think you might be overstating the point a bit, or perhaps misunderstanding what a "fetish" really entails. To compare "liking boobs" to "having a boob fetish" is a little like comparing "liking beer" to "having an alcohol addiction," at least for some people. Basically, a fetish is a little stronger than just what might be considered an "oddball" preference.

This isn't to say that all (or even most) fetishes are destructive like addiction. It's just to say they're not simply the same appetite for a different food. They're a pretty different type of appetite, too.