The Most Anticipated Movie of 2017 Now Has a Trailer

[Marter]

The Most Anticipated Movie of 2017 Now Has a Trailer

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2017's biggest, most anticipated, and sexiest movie now has a trailer.

2015 had one movie that absolutely, positively, without a doubt needed a sequel, and that movie was Jamie Dornan [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/tag/view/fifty+shades+of+grey], who plays Mr. Grey, would return arose, there was a chance that - in a move that would shock the world - we wouldn't get the sequel we all deserve.

But that's all been rectified. Dornan is back. Fear [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/tag/view/dakota+johnson], so you know it's going to be good. After all, about 25% of the Fifty Shades series is just Christian stalking Anastasia, right? So you want someone who knows how to do that.

Of course, the rest of the series banks on its - ahem - intimate scenes. While the new trailer is a green-band one, meaning it's "approved for all audiences," if the first film is anything to go by, the sequel will have lots and lots of sex and nudity. Oh, and it promises "no rules," because even Fifty Shades Darker adheres to the "bigger is better" school of sequelmaking.

I don't know anything about the plot - apart from the stalking and sex, and what else is there, really? - but the trailer promises Eyes Wide Shut [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eyes_Wide_Shut] masks, lots of staring, and a couple of new characters, one of whom appears to be a former playmate of Mr. Grey. And maybe a new love interest for Anastasia, because there is nothing the movies need more than love triangles - especially when they involve literally no love whatsoever.

Fifty Shades Darker hits theaters on February 10, 2017, which is just in time for Valentine's Day. It's scheduled to open against John Wick: Chapter Two [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lego_Batman_Movie], both of which clearly pale in comparison to the juggernaut that is the Fifty Shades franchise.

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Permalink

 

[Battenberg]

I get the impression from the tone you didn't want to write this article but someone up the chain forced it on you. Can't blame you really.

 

[Silentpony_v1legacy]

Poor Marter. Yeah, that movie was shit and they should have canceled the entire series.

 

[The Enquirer]

Can your review please be as laced with sarcasm as this article is?

 

[JUMBO PALACE]

I was wondering who the hell they got to write this before I realized what was going on here.

Most importantly, thanks for the heads up on John Wick 2! I had no idea that was coming out at all let alone so soon. I've been meaning to watch the first one again. Maybe I can get to that tonight.

 

[09philj]

I am now imagining 50 Shades reimagined with the films as Ana and Marter as Grey.

 

[lacktheknack]

I have never read a more sardonic and scathing article in my life. xD

 

[Parasondox]

Horny mothers WIN!!! This is their franchise to look forward too. Let them have it.

 

[Deathfish15]

I almost didn't get this and thought that the article was written by some very lonely housewife who had a fixation on the book series. Oh how foolishly I feel into this well laid trap-pit of sarcasm.

 

[Sniper Team 4]

When I read the headline, I was all set to come in and say, "That's the weirdest Star Wars trailer I've ever seen..." but then I read the article.

And I realize my silly joke pales in comparison to what I have just read. Well done, sir. Well done indeed!

 

[Neurotic Void Melody]

How much are they paying you for this??
The tongue has made its' retirement home firmly within the cheek here, I bid it a comfortable passing when the time comes to adhere to the mentally scarring contract and review the full movie.
I think there is a valuable lesson to be gained from the success of these soft porn stories; husbands...please don't neglect your wives's (um, weird plural) sexual desires. If you can't rise up to the challenge, buy them some toys, get creative or if it's just an obligation, at least be honest with them so they can be free to find someone for appeasing passion. Just don't let this tripe be a popular thing.

Talking of which, when is that new David Cage fil...err, game coming out?

 

[IamLEAM1983]

Here's something else my mother's going to ring me up about, as if some bored housewife's fantasies qualified as decent mother-son interaction time...

Like last time, I'll have to drive her to her chosen piece of cinematic dreck, while I use the occasion to purchase tickets for something else entirely.

 

[Clankenbeard]

Hilarious. This was a fun read. And sweet Jesus, is that a Daring Dragoon mask from Jack of All Trades?!? You know it will be an 'A' movie if they are channeling Bruce Campbell for sex scenes.

Sadly, 50 Shades of Grey pulled in $571 million worldwide on a $40 million budget. Call it what you like, but you can't call it unsuccessful. Horny housewives unite!

If somebody gave me the opportunity to invest $100 in the sequel, knowing that it is likely going to pay out at 5 to 1, I think I'd probably do it. Oh, American dollar, you are a corrupter of souls. Anybody else want in? Guaranteed 5 times payout. You could buy the top-of-the-line sex swing...

 

[FalloutJack]

Ah look, a sequel nobody wanted to a movie nobody wanted. Someone call Dr. Forrester. I think he has the means to take over the world now.

 

[thebobmaster_v1legacy]

You know what? I feel like pretty any comment I make would just be further words to add to what a gif would cover perfectly.

 

[Wintermute_v1legacy]

At least porn has interesting stories.

 

[owbu]

you see, the problem with writing a sarcastic article on a site like this, is that people cant tell wether you have been paid to write this or if you are just being funny.

 

[Saltyk]

Something tell me you are not looking forward to this movie...

Wait. Is this opening the same day as Lego Batman and John Wick? Why? Those are films I think could actually be good. And wouldn't those two steal audiences from each other?

Ah look, a sequel nobody wanted to a movie nobody wanted. Someone call Dr. Forrester. I think he has the means to take over the world now.

Do you think Joel could survive this, even with Tom and Servo? I doubt even Gypsie wants this.

 

[FalloutJack]

Something tell me you are not looking forward to this movie...

Wait. Is this opening the same day as Lego Batman and John Wick? Why? Those are films I think could actually be good. And wouldn't those two steal audiences from each other?

Ah look, a sequel nobody wanted to a movie nobody wanted. Someone call Dr. Forrester. I think he has the means to take over the world now.

Do you think Joel could survive this, even with Tom and Servo? I doubt even Gypsie wants this.

I think we need Mike Nelson, Destroyer of Worlds.

 

[Marter]

Wait. Is this opening the same day as Lego Batman and John Wick? Why? Those are films I think could actually be good. And wouldn't those two steal audiences from each other?

I think the logic is this:

Women: Fifty Shades
Men: John Wick
Kids: Lego Batman

Each demographic has a movie. Now, it doesn't work exclusively like this, but that's the thinking.