I, Jared Rea, Hereby Challenge Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson

Jared Rea

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Aug 11, 2008
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I, Jared Rea, Hereby Challenge Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson

What Up Gangsta? Before you self destruct on February 9, 2009, a humble news reporter for The Escapist would like to challenge you to your own videogame, 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand.

Dear Mr. Cent [http://www.50cent.com/],

I, like many fans of hip-hop have received word that you plan to 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Before_I_Self_Destruct][/I]. In a recent interview with MTV News, you claim that you have not only had an opportunity to experience this game, but you have also become quite skilled in its mechanics.

So skilled, in fact, that you issued a challenge [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/news/view/88073-50-Cent-Issues-Challenge-To-Gamers]. Quote, "If anybody out there wants to create a challenge or wants to bet some money online, we could play the game right now."

I, sir, accept your challenge.

Like the much publicized feud between East and West Coast lyricists in the 1990's, we stand at the precipice of our generations cultural rivalry: multi-million dollar hip-hop artists at war with frail, under-payed games industry gadflies. Recently, Internet superstar Soulja Boy and MTV reporter Stephen Totilo have been involved [http://multiplayerblog.mtv.com/2008/12/11/i-accept-soulja-boys-xbox-challenge/] in their own personal squabble over videogame supremacy, or as you refer to it, "beef." Unlike the aforementioned artist, you, Mr. Cent, are a man of character and nobility. You appreciate the sport as much as you do the hunt as you said in the brilliantly titled 2005 song, "Gatman and Robin-"

I'll leave no witnesses when I ride, B
You f*** with me, you see
I'll react like an animal and tear you apart
If a masterpiece was murder, I'd major in art


I assure you, Mr. Cent, that I would be quite the challenge for even a man of your cunning. I have a background in professional, world-class videogame play, ranging from shooters, fighting games and of course, Dance Dance Revolution. While your experience and technique at your title demands respect, I must tell you now, I have walked through the valley of death of the shadow of death and I fear no man when it comes to virtual fisticuffs. You shall be taxed, verily.

Should this correspondence be deemed unworthy of your consideration, than I shall be forced to deliver unto you a tongue-lashing the likes of which you have never been dealt. Behold: from those of whom I have spoken to on the street, you are referred to as a "wanksta" and many men wish death upon you. Once more: you claim that you have been shot nine times. I have listened to your records nine times. We have suffered much the same.

Now that you have been convinced by a blinding rage, I await your response. I have contacted the handlers of your videogame at THQ and so the game is afoot. I am available for our duel at any time, and any place. I have been informed that when "shorties [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKYeCVz8EFQ]" take in entertainment with you and your companions, the activities may last beyond the time of 3AM. I assure you, this would not be a problem. Good day.

Sincerely,
Jared Rea


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goncalobms

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Nov 15, 2008
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Brilliant ... simply amazing ... please can you message me the outcome of this (via the escapist)
 

rougeknife

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Jan 2, 2008
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The words of a great triber come to mind:
Rip of his head, shit down his neck, and teach that newblood some respect.
 

742

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Sep 8, 2008
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i would argue about the "much the same" bit, he only got shot.
and your going to seriously play this game? i would suggest having a psychologist on hand to help you stay on this side of the line, and possibly a doctor and computer engineer as well, to put you and your hardware of choice out of its misery should it be too much for you.
 

Pseudonym2

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Mar 31, 2008
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"If anybody out there wants to create a challenge or wants to bet some money online, we could play the game right now."

OK my challenge is to debate the neoliberal vs Keynesian economic model while playing death match. I love to 50 Cent argue about a Noam Chomsky critique while playing video game.
 

CoverYourHead

High Priest of C'Thulhu
Dec 7, 2008
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My god, that was amazing.


black lincon said:
Jared Rea, I officially love you, please beat the shit out of 50 (virtually that is).
I agree with black lincon, destroy 50, and make sure to laugh a pure laugh of joy and superiority while doing so.
 

Jared Rea

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Shiuz91 said:
You know what this reminds me of? Uwe Boll boxing those internet critiques except this time internet wins.
Actually, I hope it doesn't. Not only is Uwe totally buff, but it turns out that he's an amateur boxer as well. He mopped the floor with Lowtax and 50 Cent is like Uwe Boll having absorbed the powers of a bear.

and your going to seriously play this game? i would suggest having a psychologist on hand to help you stay on this side of the line, and possibly a doctor and computer engineer as well, to put you and your hardware of choice out of its misery should it be too much for you.
From what I've heard from folks in the press who've gotten to play it, Blood on the Sand is supposably quite good. Like a modern version of Contra mixed with The Club. Good, mindless entertainment ... it sounds a lot like one of my favorite games this year, Saints Row 2.
 

Jumplion

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Mar 10, 2008
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You are now, officiall, one of my heroes.

And I love you.

black lincon said:
Jared Rea, I officially love you, please beat the shit out of 50 (virtually that is).
And I second this.

(damn, these avatars are reminding me that I have to make a Holiday-themed avatar soon)
 

TheGhostOfSin

Terrible, Terrible Damage.
May 21, 2008
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Jumplion said:
You are now, officiall, one of my heroes.

And I love you.

black lincon said:
Jared Rea, I officially love you, please beat the shit out of 50 (virtually that is).
And I second this.

(damn, these avatars are reminding me that I have to make a Holiday-themed avatar soon)
Nooooo, don't fall for the trap!
 

Jumplion

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Mar 10, 2008
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TheGhostOfSin said:
Jumplion said:
You are now, officiall, one of my heroes.

And I love you.

black lincon said:
Jared Rea, I officially love you, please beat the shit out of 50 (virtually that is).
And I second this.

(damn, these avatars are reminding me that I have to make a Holiday-themed avatar soon)
Nooooo, don't fall for the trap!
Too late! *MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!*