When Jesus Is Your Lord and Cockblock
We come across the rare case of someone happily friend-zoned.
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We come across the rare case of someone happily friend-zoned.
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When Jesus Is Your Lord and Cockblock
- Thread starter Lara Crigger
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Happy Where I Am, I respect you so much. Good on you. /brofist
I'm in that same situation and have no intention of backing off. I did once before with another friend and I ended up losing her because she noticed the rift I had caused. Never again. Stick with it.
I'm in that same situation and have no intention of backing off. I did once before with another friend and I ended up losing her because she noticed the rift I had caused. Never again. Stick with it.
Heathen: Religion is among some of the top-ranking factors when it comes to long-term compatibility. This is simply because religion isn't like hair color or your favorite ice cream flavor -- if you truly believe in what the religion teaches, it is a lifestyle. It impacts your choices, your goals, how you raise your children, all of it. And the two of you already don't even agree on how important a role religion plays in your life...Lara Crigger said:
Respecting her beliefs is one thing. That shows you can "coexist." Long-term relationships aren't about "coexisting." They're a partnership, even if kids never enter the picture. If partners are playing by two different sets of rules, miscommunication is guaranteed.
Tyrol: Been there. It sucks. Best answer? Cut all ties. Completely. She's already demonstrated that you are little more to her than a convenient emotional distraction. You're her "hobby." You should demand more than that for yourself. And when she has a problem and wants to re-start her hobby? Do not do this. It isn't worth the price you'll inevitably pay.
What makes this especially hard is that it means looking into relationships that aren't long-distance. Those can be much scarier. There's something about yourself that you're not sure of, which is why you prefer even a bad long-distance relationship... there's something you want to avoid facing in a close-up relationship. My guess? You're not sure who you really are yet, what you want out of life, and thus what you want in a partner. Take some time, make new friends, find yourself. It'll make sharing that "self" with someone in person much easier.
Happy: Hope for the best. But prepare for the incoming storm. You will not be the cause of it, though. Eventually, there's going to be a "New Relationship, Us Against the World" phase... and you're going to be cut out for awhile. If you raise a stink about it, she will choose the other guy -- folks in new relationships are way too eager to see this kind of thing as a "test," and they want to "pass" it by choosing the boy/girlfriend.
You don't have to do anything "wrong" for this to happen, either. So don't take it personally. You're a guy, he's a guy, so there's going to be this eventual feeling of having to make a choice. If you give it the proper time, and don't try to hold your "territory," things will even out over time. Again, just don't fixate on thinking it's some problem you have to do something to fix.
- Mar 31, 2010
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Ha, the Lonely Heathen could well have been me considering I was in that exact situation this February, you gave the right advice Lara, everyone has some sort of criteia for a potential partner and trying to change someone-else's isn't going to work, plently other better suited people around.
Jebus is still important to so many.
I come from the N.T backwoods, where we laugh at a lot of things, especially the behaviour of the city-folk. I came to the city years back, and I see religion is dug in deep here. It is respected, it is socialised, it is institutionalised. That is how it gets the next generation, it has ample opportunity to scoop at least some in.
I come from the N.T backwoods, where we laugh at a lot of things, especially the behaviour of the city-folk. I came to the city years back, and I see religion is dug in deep here. It is respected, it is socialised, it is institutionalised. That is how it gets the next generation, it has ample opportunity to scoop at least some in.
Lonely Heathen,
You don't want to date a Christian.
Firstly, as far as Christians are concerned (to use a common metaphor), you're about to get hit by a bus. Christians are good people (as good as any other people, anyway), and they don't like people getting hit by buses. So, being a good person, Christians tend to try and pull people out of the way of the oncoming bus (i.e., evangelizing).
The problem is, you don't believe there's a bus. Whether or not there's a bus is irrelevant; she's thinks you're in imminent danger in a way you can't possibly comprehend, and you like standing where you are.
I want you to think about what it means for someone to be a Christian: they think 2/3 of the world is going to a place of eternal torment. And they see these people every day. Family. Friends. People on the street. The Starbucks barista. Eternal torment. There's two basic ways to deal with this:
1. Evangelize and try to save everyone. This is hard, because it will never happen. 100% of the world will never be Christian. This leads to disappointment and heartache as they realize they can't save everyone, and people they care about are damned.
Or, more commonly,
2. Don't care, and don't think about it. Most Christians do this because it's easier and involves less personal torment. Friends going to Hell? Don't think about it. Maybe summon up the courage to say, "You know about the bus, right?" once, but don't bring it up again. The barista at Starbucks? Just don't think about it.
But there's one place they can't not think about it: their significant other. Imagine the person you love more than anyone else in the world, the person you'd die for, the person you'd kill for, was about to be hit by an actual bus (no more metaphor, a physical bus is hurtling down the road at the person you love). This person you love is looking the other way and is firmly convinced there is no bus. You're pulling on her arm, trying to drag her out of the way of the bus, but she is determined to stay right there because she doesn't believe there's a bus.
Think about what that would do to you every day. Impending bus about to kill the person you love. That sounds like the most anxiety-producing lifestyle I can imagine.
So, why does a Christian not want to date you? Because she believes you're about to die, forever, and she will live, forever, without you. Why would she want to date you when that is the only probable outcome? The only possible happy outcome for her is if you convert to Christianity, which your snarky comments would seem to prohibit.
And then we get to children. Do you even want children? She probably does (most Christians get on with the baby making in the early- to mid-20s). Why would she want your atheism polluting and confusing her children who, I guarantee you, she wants to be Christian (so they can all live together forever in the afterlife)?
Remember: whether or not the bus exists doesn't matter, we're talking about Christian motivations, Christian feelings, and Christian behavior. She is rejecting you because you don't share her worldview, you don't share her values, you don't share her goals for her children, and she doesn't want the person she loves more than anyone else in the world to be someone headed for eternal wailing and gnashing of teeth. You, in her view, are all of these things she doesn't want.
So, you have two basic choices:
1. Give up.
2. Look into Christianity. Who knows? You might like it. If you convert to Christianity (and I mean actually convert, not, "Hey, I'm a Christian now, wanna date?") ask her out again.
I suppose you have a third option (try to convert her to atheism), but know that actively working against her faith, in her mind, essentially makes you allied with Satan.
You don't want to date a Christian.
Firstly, as far as Christians are concerned (to use a common metaphor), you're about to get hit by a bus. Christians are good people (as good as any other people, anyway), and they don't like people getting hit by buses. So, being a good person, Christians tend to try and pull people out of the way of the oncoming bus (i.e., evangelizing).
The problem is, you don't believe there's a bus. Whether or not there's a bus is irrelevant; she's thinks you're in imminent danger in a way you can't possibly comprehend, and you like standing where you are.
I want you to think about what it means for someone to be a Christian: they think 2/3 of the world is going to a place of eternal torment. And they see these people every day. Family. Friends. People on the street. The Starbucks barista. Eternal torment. There's two basic ways to deal with this:
1. Evangelize and try to save everyone. This is hard, because it will never happen. 100% of the world will never be Christian. This leads to disappointment and heartache as they realize they can't save everyone, and people they care about are damned.
Or, more commonly,
2. Don't care, and don't think about it. Most Christians do this because it's easier and involves less personal torment. Friends going to Hell? Don't think about it. Maybe summon up the courage to say, "You know about the bus, right?" once, but don't bring it up again. The barista at Starbucks? Just don't think about it.
But there's one place they can't not think about it: their significant other. Imagine the person you love more than anyone else in the world, the person you'd die for, the person you'd kill for, was about to be hit by an actual bus (no more metaphor, a physical bus is hurtling down the road at the person you love). This person you love is looking the other way and is firmly convinced there is no bus. You're pulling on her arm, trying to drag her out of the way of the bus, but she is determined to stay right there because she doesn't believe there's a bus.
Think about what that would do to you every day. Impending bus about to kill the person you love. That sounds like the most anxiety-producing lifestyle I can imagine.
So, why does a Christian not want to date you? Because she believes you're about to die, forever, and she will live, forever, without you. Why would she want to date you when that is the only probable outcome? The only possible happy outcome for her is if you convert to Christianity, which your snarky comments would seem to prohibit.
And then we get to children. Do you even want children? She probably does (most Christians get on with the baby making in the early- to mid-20s). Why would she want your atheism polluting and confusing her children who, I guarantee you, she wants to be Christian (so they can all live together forever in the afterlife)?
Remember: whether or not the bus exists doesn't matter, we're talking about Christian motivations, Christian feelings, and Christian behavior. She is rejecting you because you don't share her worldview, you don't share her values, you don't share her goals for her children, and she doesn't want the person she loves more than anyone else in the world to be someone headed for eternal wailing and gnashing of teeth. You, in her view, are all of these things she doesn't want.
So, you have two basic choices:
1. Give up.
2. Look into Christianity. Who knows? You might like it. If you convert to Christianity (and I mean actually convert, not, "Hey, I'm a Christian now, wanna date?") ask her out again.
I suppose you have a third option (try to convert her to atheism), but know that actively working against her faith, in her mind, essentially makes you allied with Satan.
@lonely heathen.
Lie to her, pretend you converted, or actually convert. Fuck her, use her, milk her dry then convert back.
Option 2, if you really do care, don't know why you would, she's whack for believing in talking snakes, but if you DO care. Convert, and work from the inside to get her to be an atheist, muslim, buddhist or whatever religion you're on.
If it doesn't work when you're still together, tell her you can't take the bullshit anymore and you're going back to whatever religion you were on. If she truly cares about you she'll consider converting, or at least respect your beliefs and try to co-exist with you. If not then no big deal, you break up, at least you fucked her already.
@Tyrol
Kids get this up that thick skull of yours right now! Friends are overrated. Especially female friends. There a billions of people in the world, all can be your potential friend, they are a dime a dozen.
There is nothing you can get out of one friend that you can't from another, unless they're in prestigious positions.
With a guy friend you can be drinking buddies, wing man in games, competitor in games and you can even pour your heart out when the girls rip it apart and he'll understand your pain. You probably can't do that with a girl, even if you could it'll be rare.
Separate the hole for your penis from your friends.
Lie to her, pretend you converted, or actually convert. Fuck her, use her, milk her dry then convert back.
Option 2, if you really do care, don't know why you would, she's whack for believing in talking snakes, but if you DO care. Convert, and work from the inside to get her to be an atheist, muslim, buddhist or whatever religion you're on.
If it doesn't work when you're still together, tell her you can't take the bullshit anymore and you're going back to whatever religion you were on. If she truly cares about you she'll consider converting, or at least respect your beliefs and try to co-exist with you. If not then no big deal, you break up, at least you fucked her already.
@Tyrol
Kids get this up that thick skull of yours right now! Friends are overrated. Especially female friends. There a billions of people in the world, all can be your potential friend, they are a dime a dozen.
There is nothing you can get out of one friend that you can't from another, unless they're in prestigious positions.
With a guy friend you can be drinking buddies, wing man in games, competitor in games and you can even pour your heart out when the girls rip it apart and he'll understand your pain. You probably can't do that with a girl, even if you could it'll be rare.
Separate the hole for your penis from your friends.
Damn, number eight's got some interesting views on women and relationships. I tend to find that it is more easy to talk to girls about stuff and, as the post above exemplifies, guys just don't care all that much ("at least you fucked her already." Really? Pretty insensitive man).
Good advice, I think. There is some stuff which is applicable to situations I see myself getting into - friends as girls and etc.
Good advice, I think. There is some stuff which is applicable to situations I see myself getting into - friends as girls and etc.
Don't do thisExtraDebit said:
also don't do this
Right because if she cares she will convert, but if he cares he shouldn't convert.
The only people who truly believe that "Friends are overrated. Especially female friends" are the ones who have none
Having friends isn't about getting things from them
Girls do all of these things with guys
A girlfriend/spouse/significant other should be your closest and dearest friend.
In short the advice I have quoted seems to come from someone in a dark place in their life, and if either of you are decent humans (which from your letters I would guess you are) ignore all of this advice it won't help you find what you are looking for.
ok..
Guy with relgious girlfriend, absolutely no good can come from you staying with her. Inevitably, she will have to choose between her religion and you, and the decision will not be pretty
Guy with long distance cheat, you are should be greatful the long distance proved she wasnt worth it. Im guessin you moved to a desert or something which is why you are still hanging out for her
Guy with friendship, you arein the right, dont worry about it, but for the love of god, do not cockblock your mate in any way, shape or form
Guy with relgious girlfriend, absolutely no good can come from you staying with her. Inevitably, she will have to choose between her religion and you, and the decision will not be pretty
Guy with long distance cheat, you are should be greatful the long distance proved she wasnt worth it. Im guessin you moved to a desert or something which is why you are still hanging out for her
Guy with friendship, you arein the right, dont worry about it, but for the love of god, do not cockblock your mate in any way, shape or form
This was a very well-informed comment, I enjoyed reading this as much as the article. Thank you for posting it.Azuaron said:
@artnis_nervar
This is about giving the best advice for the guy in question, it's not moral advice or "lawful good" advice. It's about what the guy should do that he would come out on top.
Don't be naive, the world isn't made up of disney characters, it's a hungry dog eat dog world. Exploit and milk the others dry, one can never lose that way.
You sound like someone that gives "just be yourself" advice. What I'm giving is advice gained from real experience and wisdom gained through trials and tribulation. In life you don't get shit for being a nice guy, you need to be fucking evil, and when I say evil I don't mean being a stupid asshole that try to destroy the world. I mean being like Light Yagami from the Death Note series, pretend to be good and get everyone at your side while secretly exploiting them.
This is about giving the best advice for the guy in question, it's not moral advice or "lawful good" advice. It's about what the guy should do that he would come out on top.
Don't be naive, the world isn't made up of disney characters, it's a hungry dog eat dog world. Exploit and milk the others dry, one can never lose that way.
You sound like someone that gives "just be yourself" advice. What I'm giving is advice gained from real experience and wisdom gained through trials and tribulation. In life you don't get shit for being a nice guy, you need to be fucking evil, and when I say evil I don't mean being a stupid asshole that try to destroy the world. I mean being like Light Yagami from the Death Note series, pretend to be good and get everyone at your side while secretly exploiting them.