Study: Don't Use Wi-Fi Near Your Junk

Greg Tito

PR for Dungeons & Dragons
Sep 29, 2005
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Study: Don't Use Wi-Fi Near Your Junk



Semen samples placed next to a laptop results in baked, lazy sperm.

Mainstream news outlets always seem to cry wolf at various technologies posing health problems. Remember how cell phones were supposed to give you brain cancer and infect your soul with spirit of Mephistopheles? So it is with great skepticism that I present to you a study from Argentina that proves sperm cells - one half of the necessary ingredients to make tiny baby humans - were never meant to browse the internet.

The study conducted by Conrado Avendano from the Nascentis Medicina Reproductiva in Cordoba, Argentina, took - received? - semen samples from 29 able-bodied men. The researchers then placed the pilfered nut butter under a laptop computer wirelessly connected the internet. After four hours of heavy downloading, 25 percent of the sperm cells had ceased to swim around with any vigor or even verve. A full 9 percent showed significant DNA damage. Compared to the control group's 14 and 3 percent respectively, those findings were pretty substantial.

"Our data suggest that the use of a laptop computer wirelessly connected to the internet and positioned near the male reproductive organs may decrease human sperm quality," reds the abstract for the study. "At present we do not know whether this effect is induced by all laptop computers connected by Wi-Fi to the internet or what use conditions heighten this effect."

Interestingly, sperm next to a laptop that was not downloading massive amounts of porn via a wi-fi connection were not much off from the control group. The researchers believe the cause of the cell damage is electromagnetic radiation from the wireless broadcast of billions of bits of data that will somehow form the backside of Ernest Borgnine on my screen. I mean ...

Again, take all of this with a grain or ten of salt. Critics say this study is imperfect because the sperm was tested outside of the human body, where it is useless anyway. The test was enough of an indication that a correlation between infertility and heavy laptop use might exist.

The next step then is to experiment with laptops strapped to real live dudes. Oooh, sign me up!

Source: Reuters [http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/11/28/us-laptop-sperm-idUSTRE7AR2FO20111128]

(Image [http://www.flickr.com/photos/gracehebert/5816092363/sizes/m/in/photostream/])

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FortheLegion

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Dec 16, 2008
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Does this mean sitting on my throne of old laptops is bad? D:

Perhaps we should all don copper chainmail underpants
 

John the Gamer

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May 2, 2010
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I'm sitting in bed with my laptop on my, well, lap right now...soooo... It's a good thing I'm not planning on having kids just yet(I'm single, anyways), but it'll be good to keep this in mind if I don't want any retarded offspring running around. Though that might just be unavoidable. Lol.
 

Scarim Coral

Jumped the ship
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Oct 29, 2010
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Oh great my mate is so getting the last laugh and "ha I told you so!" when he read this news (he never use nor carry a mobile phone for this type of reasons).
 

VincentX3

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Jun 30, 2009
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Kwil said:
This is hardly a significant problem.

After all.. it's not like geeks are breeding a lot in the first place.
Says the lv.41 Virgin =P

OT: Now imagine the future 100 years from now...
They're going to say "Traveling through a portal device may give your sperm and potential child invisibility"

Cant wait =P
 

Kuilui

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Apr 1, 2010
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I'm really glad I
1. Use a wired connection.
2. Keep my laptop on a wooden desk about a foot above and away from my crotch
3. Realized this study was going to come out years ago
 

wooty

Vi Britannia
Aug 1, 2009
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They used to say the same about mobile phone signals and brain damage, heart problems, sperm count......GENERAL PUBLIC! BE SCARED!! DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOMES AND BUY BONDS!
 

Jadak

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Nov 4, 2008
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Kwil said:
This is hardly a significant problem.

After all.. it's not like geeks are breeding a lot in the first place.
As you may have noticed, wireless connections are a bit more common than just geeks these days.
 

Raven_Operative

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Dec 21, 2010
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Greg Tito said:
"Our data suggest that the use of a laptop computer wirelessly connected to the internet and positioned near the male reproductive organs may decrease human sperm quality," reds the abstract for the study.
reds?

I find that kinda scary... especially since my WiFi router is bolted under my desk at crotch level.
 

CM156_v1legacy

Revelation 9:6
Mar 23, 2011
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DVS BSTrD said:
*Looks at laptop in his lap*
Oh shit!
I pulled pretty much the same thing.

OT: This is rather interesting. Perahps WiFi can be a new means of birth control... (Yes, I'm kidding)
 

VanityGirl

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Apr 29, 2009
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Grey Carter said:
CosmicCommander said:
My router is a foot behind me.

Fuck.
I wouldn't bother, mate.
BHAHAHAHAHA.

OT: If it was tested outside the body, then I wouldn't think there would be much cause for concern... I'd need more testing before I'd believe that nonsense.
 

Gevas

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Mar 28, 2011
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Why are sperm cells special? Significant DNA damage is going to cause apoptosis in any cell. I'm not likely to believe it just by what they're saying, if 9% of my cells died near a wireless system every 4 hours, there wouldn't be much of me left...
 

William Fleming

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Mar 6, 2011
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I don't know how to respond, why would someone even think about trying this? Also, just as the article mentioned, the decrease in quality might be because of sperm being outside the body, not being under Wi-Fi.
 

Vrach

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Jun 17, 2010
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CosmicCommander said:
My router is a foot behind me.

Fuck.
I don't know who the dude on your avatar is, but his face is totally appropriate standing next to your post :p

Kwil said:
This is hardly a significant problem.

After all.. it's not like geeks are breeding a lot in the first place.
Yeah... and it's not like non-geeks ever visit coffee shops. Or work.

OT: I'm amazed by how narrow these studies are. Have they placed comparative sperm next to other things? Like a laptop without a wi-fi? Or just left them alone in the same conditions? Last I checked, putting your sperm in a random area is not a way to keep it fresh, you need to take steps to actively preserve it, have those steps been taken and a laptop was just sitting in that environment too?

Considering I imagine it has to be kept refrigerated at a certain temperature and laptops aren't too cool (ba dum tish) with those temperatures, I'm leaning towards agreeing with Greg's skepticism.