#8

[fanklok]

I must say seeing the doc use douche bags in an article is one of the greatest things ever.

 

[rsvp42]

You know, I'd like for someone to explain to me, once and for all, why "going out and making friends" is the thing you're supposed to do with your life. "Go to the bar, you might meet a cute girl." "Join the band, you might make some friends."

Why?

I am seriously asking, why is there this giant push to socialize? Why is it considered "unhealthy" to not want to spend time with other people? Some of us are "antisocial" not because we are scarred mentally somehow, or simply "too scared" to go out and meet others, but because we genuinely DO NOT LIKE BEING AROUND OTHER HUMAN BEINGS.

Diff'rent strokes, diff'rent folks and all that, but a little googling found this study: http://www.foodconsumer.org/newsite/Non-food/Lifestyle/social_ties_linked_to_longer_life_072820100104.html

I personally make no claims as to the veracity of the study, but for the sake of argument, it would appear that socializing has real health benefits.

I can only speak from my own experience, but I find that 85% of the time, if I'm nervous or anxious about socializing, then avoiding it is not the right thing to do. Rarely has avoiding social situations been better than embracing them. You mention friends puking on your dashboard like it's a bad thing. Of course it is, but how else do you get stories? How do you figure out the true friends? You complain about untrustworthy women, but how else do you find the right one without weeding through the terrible ones? Are these not the events that shape our lives? I can't tell you that socializing with vastly improve YOUR life, but if you tell me you've never wished you could tell better stories or never had second thoughts about skipping that party or whatever, I'll have to call your bluff. It's one thing to prefer to be alone now and then, another thing to avoid company because its easier.

Anyway, I guess my writing this is partly to answer your question, but also to remind everyone (and myself) to get out and live a little. Personally, regret is one of my biggest fears and I'd hate to rationalize myself into loneliness, only to look back and wonder where the time went. Video games are a great way to pass free time, but if it replaces the real moments, it's doing us a disservice. Millions of people have experienced the same maps and campaign modes of that favorite shooter of yours, but that night out with your buddies is much more unique.

 

[EvilYoshi]

You know, I'd like for someone to explain to me, once and for all, why "going out and making friends" is the thing you're supposed to do with your life.

It's all about the support structure in your life. I'm talking about having as many options available to you as possible. Friends, even superficial ones, are useful when you can exploit them in some form. The tricky part is managing and maintaining this network to maximize 'benefits' and minimize the 'expenses.'

This is an overly simplified idea behind friends and there are many variables that need considering but basically any relationship is trying to get someone else to do what you want. People who are good at relationships tend to get a lot out of them, people who are bad at them get exploited... kinda like you were.

If you have a strong-enough support structure you don't need many friends if you don't have a strong support structure you will struggle at every point in you life.

 

[Vzzdak]

For those quiet people that aren't generally feeling anxiety, let it be known that you're fine. The phrase went, "Different strokes for different folks," which essentially meant that each person has their own preferred approach to people and activities. And depending upon the situation, there might be an opportunity to "stretch" (i.e., show that there is more to you than you usually let on).

 

[salinv]

Thanks for this Dr. Mark.

I'm in a somewhat similar position to the writer (take out the D&D, and add some High School events), and this seems like great advice to try. I have been trying to do more this Senior year, trying to go out and 'stretch' as you said. I don't even really remember what I was going to write here, but I wanted to express my gratitude for discussing an issue that affects me, and giving advice that shows that I am actually doing something that might help.

Thanks

 

[Vortigar]

I'm not the greatest at socializing but I've got a group of solid friends and get out now and again (concerts, bars, parties, a choir (where I'm part of the after-rehearsal-drinks group), etc). I've got my problems and my strengths. And I'm always amazed by those guys who state they have all manner of social anxieties and then add they've got a wife (I'm 27 and I can't say I've ever been in a lasting romantic relationship).


But what I'm really wondering about is this thing that people supposedly feel its easier to make friends online. I find it absolutely impossible to 'act' different online to who I am offline. Logging onto a dating site (I know, I've tried) is just as terrifying to me as asking a girl for a drink in real life.

If there's one thing I've learned its that practically no problem you can have is unique to you; so I wonder how widespread this sentiment of mine is and why I always hear people talking about the contrary being true for them (ie. it's easier to make friends online).

I've got a terribly powerful moral compass that keeps me from lying and cheating at anything so it could just be that. Funny thing is that I'm a pretty decent actor and absolutely live the songs I sing and the parts I act, so I can imagine myself as somebody else but can't put that skill to work for me in the real world.

 

[Tele-screen]

When I was a kid, I got mocked daily for reading books all the time and being chubby. When puberty started to kick in, I realized I had few friends, I was socially awkward, and girls were not interested in me. That was a drag. I played the video games, read the "genres" and generally made myself repellent to cool kids and found some solace in that. But the solution to social isolation is not to withdraw into your marginalized hobbies, but to find balance.

By the time I hit high school I decided to turn my situation around. I lost the weight, joined wrestling and got in shape, picked up the guitar, and tried to learn to listen more than I talked. This didn't mean that I stopped enjoying the hobbies I loved--I just balanced them with other more outgoing healthy social activities.

Now, as a college graduate, I don't have to hide my nerdy tendencies or make excuses for my hobbies. They are just one aspect of a well balanced life. Social interaction has to be learned, like anything. It just takes some people more time than others. And, like most things, the only way to get better at it is to practice.