The Unbearable Lightness of Licking Lampposts

[Lara Crigger]

The Unbearable Lightness of Licking Lampposts

Awkward situations and little white lies about sex.

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[twaddle]

......ok then...i just don't really get it, but then i have been in a relationship for almost 4 years with my girl so yeah. i feel that this should really be an wide range social advice column instead of just a love advice column. you could handle one 3 or for messages 1 or two about love and the other to about life and people problems in general. i feel like this is not going to stick

 

[Aptspire]

Oh...I thought the title was a reference to DA:O, when you have a male romance with Alistair...
my bad

 

[TitsMcGee1804]

so let me get this straight, a girl who is a virgin thinks their boyfriend is not a virgin. The boyfriend is worried that if she finds out he is a virgin she will be upset...

....nah, that will be the best news she hears in her life, she is going to lose it to someone who is also pure...

also, imho, this isnt the website for agony aunts, just sayin

 

[Xman490]

I wonder if there's a movie called "The 20-Year-Old Virgin". If not, there should be, but instead of being a comedy (which could easily go wrong), it could be a documentary about teenage myths about sexuality. An article or two on Cracked.com and my 10th-grade Economics teacher have all said that marriage and/or sex is best when you're around 30, since you know who you are by then.

One's virginity is still rather disquieting to oneself.

 

[Break]

I don't talk "gay" or act it in any way.

There's a serious problem here, and it's certainly not you. Actually, there are two problems; the most easily-understood is stereotyping, the image people have of the effeminate gay man. While there are certainly gay men who are effeminate, it's for much the same reason that there are gay men who like pizza, or gay men who listen to rock music. Sexuality is not a list of traits, it is a single trait, that has as much effect on the rest of your personality as anything else. It may be important to you, but the defining element here is you, not the people you're attracted to. There is no "acting gay", not in the way you describe; the problem is not your failure to play out this stereotype, the problem is with the people who expect you to conform to their preconceptions, and who think they can define your personality for you. Don't let them. Be who you are.

The second problem is related to the first, but it's a little more complicated. The word is "heteronormativity". In simple terms, it is the attitude people have that sets heterosexuality as the default, standard, normal sexuality, and that everyone you meet is to be assumed heterosexual until it is stated and/or proven otherwise. While this is statistically the more likely outcome, someone's sexuality is not something that needs to be assumed at all. It has no bearing on anybody else. There are very few actions that require knowledge of a person's sexuality, and in those cases, simply asking them should be the thing to do. Unfortunately, heteronormativity is built into our culture at a deep level, and is made all the more difficult to shake because of it. Many socioeconomic systems, from the institution of marriage, to the way public bathrooms are laid out, assume that everyone is cisgendered and heterosexual; accommodations are only made when enough of a fuss is kicked up, and even then, it's all too common for the (often cisgendered, often heterosexual) people in charge to disregard the the outcry on the basis that the heteronormative "ideal" is the only thing that needs to exist, or indeed, the only thing that exists at all. This isn't true. It isn't right. And it is this stubborn refusal to let people define themselves that is hurting you, The Gaymer.

Unfortunately, these problems are so deeply ingrained in our society, that there isn't a simple solution for the trouble they're causing you. The only thing I can really ask you to do, other than the advice already given in the column, is to be who you are. Don't think for a moment that other people have the right to tell you otherwise. Be proud of your identity, whoever that might be.

 

[rembrandtqeinstein]

To virgin dude:

For the love of all that is holy DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE. I almost snorted my coffee when I read it.

The sooner you come clean about this, the better; after all, healthy relationships aren't founded on falsehoods.

From that moment forward she will continuously wonder what else you are hiding and it will at worst destroy or at best cool down your relationship.

The key to healthy relationships is being able to lie consistently even under stress, and to take secrets to your grave if necessary.

To answer your specific question I can guarantee you that there are tons dudes your age who have not passed their penis through a vagina since they were born. There are however many fewer female virgins than male. It is just the nature of things, a friend calls it the "conservation of booty" theory but from an evolutionary perspective it makes sense. There is a long explanation but it breaks down like this; a man's investment in a child is much less than a woman's since he doesn't risk pregnancy. Therefore a woman will be much more selective about who she procreates with than a man will be. Teen sex isn't for the purpose of procreation but that biological goal is what is driving the process. The result of this is the small percentage of highly desirable men will get lots of play and the large percentage of less desirable men will get little if any. Even if that weren't the case the average woman would still have more partners than the average man. This is because girls mature faster and most start the relationship game several years younger than boys do.

In any case virgin dude here is what you do.

1. continue lying, if she asks directly deflect.
2. learn to read her, if the time is right and she is into you then she will make clear she wants boning

Here is one slick move you can use.

If she asks (rudely I might add) "how many women have you slept with?" then at first you don't say anything but smile slyly. Slowly reach around her waist, move in toward her, get your face close to hers while maintaining eye contact, then whisper "numbers are for scoreboards" and kiss her.

Continue refusing to answer. This will piss her off while simultaneously making her think about you more because you are suddenly more mysterious.

3. remember that "skill" at sex isn't nearly as much about the physical acts as being in tune with your partner, listening to them both in their words and body responses, and mostly caring about making your partner feel good.

Though you could get technically better the fundamentals are the same your first time or your thousandth time. If you truly care about your partner's needs and want to "be with" them then you can do no wrong.

Good luck!

 

[Lara Crigger]

Break, you make some *excellent* points, and I'm glad you popped in here to add them. Thank you!

 

[HentMas]

I wonder how many questions they get each day, i wrote when i first saw the article... i wish they would at least acknowledge if your letter doesn't get trough screening...

 

[Neuromaster]

To virgin dude:

For the love of all that is holy DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE.... The key to healthy relationships is being able to lie consistently even under stress, and to take secrets to your grave if necessary.

I hope this is this an attempt at humor, but I have a sinking feeling it's not. At any rate, I disagree strongly. While I'll admit "little white lies" might smooth over minor issues not worth agitating your partner over, lying about the big stuff is a no-no in my book. Any really good relationship has to have a strong foundation of trust, and "taking it to your grave" corrodes that. And practically speaking if you're found out there's a strong chance you'll lose the relationship altogether.

If she asks (rudely I might add) "how many women have you slept with?" then at first you don't say anything but smile slyly. Slowly reach around her waist, move in toward her, get your face close to hers while maintaining eye contact, then whisper "numbers are for scoreboards" and kiss her.

Frankly, this is probably the sleaziest move I've heard of in a while. While she shouldn't be asking questions she doesn't want answers to, this is not the way I'd choose to handle it. Instead, come clean before questions like this put you in an awkward position.

A script could look something like this:

[Snuggled up on the couch, happy, just finished a movie or something]
You: "Hey , something's been bothering me. Mind if I get it off my chest?"
Her: "What is it?"
You: "Well, it's just some of the pressure from the guys around here. You know how it is: hyper-masculine party boys, everyone trying to be bigger & more outrageous. Big pressure to fit in, even if that's not exactly who you really are."
Her: "What do you mean?"
You: "Everyone's supposed to be a big player. And uh, I'm not. I mean I haven't been. This is the thing: I told you I've already slept with someone and I haven't. I'm a virgin. Anyway, it just didn't feel right to keep lying to you."

Does that seem so likely to cause a meltdown? Maybe it doesn't work for you, maybe it does. Personally I'd be a lot more comfortable in my own skin confronting the issue than slinking around it like I'm guilty of something (because if you do, you are).

 

[Sir Broccoli]

From that moment forward she will continuously wonder what else you are hiding and it will at worst destroy or at best cool down your relationship.

But if he comes clean he's not hiding anything. Telling her will show her that he has no problems confessing about things that are a big deal to him.
If he avoids the questions THAT'S going to make her suspicious of something.

 

[Azmael Silverlance]

Did you really got these questions?
That is crazy. . . gamers are very open about the confusing stuff in their lives it seems.

Also girl hot doesnt make him gay hot material. I mean both men and women have different standards right. And then there`s the gay community. But on the other hand at the bottom of the post there is the disclaimer that says your not a pro at this so its all good i guess.

Its fun to read but the questions feel too long too specific.

 

[Lara Crigger]

I wonder how many questions they get each day, i wrote when i first saw the article... i wish they would at least acknowledge if your letter doesn't get trough screening...

I try to personally acknoweldge all letters that come in, although lately that's been quite difficult, given the volume we've received. Try resending?

 

[Varya]

I am way drunk now, and also Swedish, so excuse me for any errors or references to socialism.
I just want to say that with this column and Drinking Games, they really acknowledge that gaming is a hobby with real humans, and that not all things must be about how "we are art" but can be about problems like love and alcohol. Don't think I don't love you anyways, Extra Credits is the best thing that ever happened to gaming, I just wanted to make my feelings clear

I've worked way to hard not to make errors for my initial proclamation (and used Google SpellCheck, so here's some socialism for ya'll:
"I can decide to study anything I want to, and I'll get support from the government, also, health care!!!ETTETTELVA!!"

 

[Avistew]

snipped

Totally agree with you, and I'm glad you said so. Yes, the "blank slate" is straight, and male, and white, it's true for imaginary characters (when there is a group of them, they'll try to give them all a specificity, but if one of them is gay, or female, or non-white, THAT's their specificity).
People often aren't aware of heteronormativity, but just because things shouldn't be this way doesn't mean they aren't, and you need to be aware of it. By default, you're seen as straight until proven otherwise.
That means even guys that like you might not be willing to take the risk of hitting on a straight guy until they have a reason to believe you're gay. And well obviously it's not written on your face.

snipped

I completely disagree with everything you said here. Especially the "hiding the number of partners" thing. A lot of people don't take kindly to things being hidden from them, and she'll imagine the worst possible outcome. That is, possibly that he's a man-slut, and as a result, two things: a) more likely to carry an STD, if she worries about these things and b) possibly not planning to be serious, and going to ditch her to have sex elsewhere soon.

Of course I don't know her and I can't be sure how she'd react, but that seems like a likely reaction to me.
On the other hand? Yielding to peer pressure and pretending not to be a virgin, but trusting her enough to open up to her and tell her he's actually a virgin? Man, she'll probably like you more after that. People expect that you don't show your true colours right away, because you always want to advertise a better version of yourself at first. But admitting to the truth? That's what shows it's a relationship and not a fling. When you say "listen, I'm not actually a spy, I have a desk job" is when they know you actually care about them enough that lying doesn't feel right anymore.

In short, I agree with Lara's advice, person who's a virgin at 21 (and I had no clue it was considered abnormal these days).

 

[BehattedWanderer]

Good advice, overall. @Break jumped on the only problem I had with the fellow looking for help meeting guys, about how not all gay guys are or are even into the effeminate thing. Quite a few are just guys, plain and simple.

Out of curiosity, though, does your advice of sidling up to them in a determined manner and saying "Wow, you're hot, you wanna grab dinner sometime?" work across the board? I've always had to come up with a way to ask them out, but direct and to the point seems like it might be counterproductive.

 

[Dastardly]

Love FAQ: The Unbearable Lightness of Licking Lampposts

For The Gaymer:

It may just be that you're surrounded by people who may not be as sure of themselves as you are.

And the very fact that you're "out of the closet" shows that you're at least somewhat more self-aware and self-confident than average. That unfortunately puts you in the role of initiator. See, it might not be that they don't think you're gay--it might be that they don't want to show that they are first.

We all like to look before we leap. And in a society where homosexuality is by far not the norm, initiating anything on that front is very much "a leap." Unless someone has a neon sign above their head, we tend not to assume they are homosexual... and, by extension, that they would react in a very unfavorable way if we seemed to assume they were. That's because all people (regardless of sexuality) are, by and large, obsessed with how others see them.

Another thing common to everyone--we want to be pursued. Obviously, it can't work that way for everyone, or no one would be pursuing. The fact that you're out to yourself puts you ahead of the curve. The fact that you're out to others makes you head of the class. But all of that also means you don't have the luxury of playing defense for now.

The good news, though? The biggest problem people have with "the approach" is that they try to "get it right." Usually, they adopt some sort of character (or caricature) and do it that character's way. It's not just "gay guys acting reeeeeeally gay." Straight folks do it, too. We puff up our crests, try to exaggerate our best features (and create some new ones)... and we blow it.

Approach. Ask. You may hear "No" more often than you hear "Yes," but so what? You won't explode. Your fingers won't burst into flames. You'll feel a bit of embarrassment (which will pass) and you'll increase your ability to put yourself out there. You'll get more comfortable, which is the seed of confidence.

For Lamppost:

If honor and integrity are a priority to you, telling her is the right thing to do--especially if you feel this relationship could go somewhere. That seems paradoxical, because this could drive her away, but it's better than moving forward on a lie. You would know. Always.

Bottom line: you can't control how she'll react. But that's the lesson here, isn't it? All you can control is how you deal with the world. When you lie, it's because the world wanted something you didn't have... you surrendered that control. The only way to get it back is to stage a coup and seize power back. There may be casualties, but so it goes.

If you tell her and she accepts it, great. You got lucky. Even then, be quite careful--she may not fully accept it all at once, despite what she says. It might bother her a little, but she's just as afraid as you of losing this. Be gentle. (Above all (and this doesn't seem like you, from what this question has revealed of your character), do not try to parlay this into some "Hey, let's lose it together!" moment.)

If you tell her and she doesn't accept it, back off. Completely. A clean break heals better (for both of you). If you want to have any chance of fixing things going forward, this may be the only way. Trust is important, and breaking it (even in a small way) stings. That kind of pain only fades over time if you don't pick at it. Be ready for this possibility.

Of course, you could also say nothing. I don't mean continue the lie. I mean just "fix it going forward." Don't tell the lie anymore, but don't feel like you have to go untell the lie, either. Really, it was never anyone else's business to begin with. You voluntarily gave that business to them, and you can casually take it back. It's up to you, mate.

PS. If you're man enough to even ask this question, I'm pretty sure you'll do alright.

 

[Flying Dagger]

To virgin dude:

For the love of all that is holy DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE. I almost snorted my coffee when I read it.

The sooner you come clean about this, the better; after all, healthy relationships aren't founded on falsehoods.

From that moment forward she will continuously wonder what else you are hiding and it will at worst destroy or at best cool down your relationship.

The key to healthy relationships is being able to lie consistently even under stress, and to take secrets to your grave if necessary.

To answer your specific question I can guarantee you that there are tons dudes your age who have not passed their penis through a vagina since they were born. There are however many fewer female virgins than male. It is just the nature of things, a friend calls it the "conservation of booty" theory but from an evolutionary perspective it makes sense. There is a long explanation but it breaks down like this; a man's investment in a child is much less than a woman's since he doesn't risk pregnancy. Therefore a woman will be much more selective about who she procreates with than a man will be. Teen sex isn't for the purpose of procreation but that biological goal is what is driving the process. The result of this is the small percentage of highly desirable men will get lots of play and the large percentage of less desirable men will get little if any. Even if that weren't the case the average woman would still have more partners than the average man. This is because girls mature faster and most start the relationship game several years younger than boys do.

In any case virgin dude here is what you do.

1. continue lying, if she asks directly deflect.
2. learn to read her, if the time is right and she is into you then she will make clear she wants boning

Here is one slick move you can use.

If she asks (rudely I might add) "how many women have you slept with?" then at first you don't say anything but smile slyly. Slowly reach around her waist, move in toward her, get your face close to hers while maintaining eye contact, then whisper "numbers are for scoreboards" and kiss her.

Continue refusing to answer. This will piss her off while simultaneously making her think about you more because you are suddenly more mysterious.

3. remember that "skill" at sex isn't nearly as much about the physical acts as being in tune with your partner, listening to them both in their words and body responses, and mostly caring about making your partner feel good.

Though you could get technically better the fundamentals are the same your first time or your thousandth time. If you truly care about your partner's needs and want to "be with" them then you can do no wrong.

Good luck!

I haven't seen someone so wrong on every point since your last post on a lovefaq section. And quite possibly you've outdone yourself this time.

Anyone can understand why someone would lie. Fuck, I lied about it, I told my girlfriend the truth, she was very happy it was that way round. Girls can easily understand why guys lie about it, it won't intil paranoia, it will just make her happy.

On whether girls or guys lose their virginity first you completely forget both slags who fuck anything and girls getting drunk and fucking anybody. Just because you didn't get invited to those parties or didn't want to sleep with a slut doesn't mean no one else did. Only takes one slut to get thirty boys to lose their virginity, and 29 girls scared to become her so refrain from doing so.

Also the stigma around guys losing their virginity is far worse than for girls. This is because girls don't have a set age to lose it by. Furthermore, the act of sex for girls is far more intrusive than it is for guys, it is also painful the first time, thus they have no reason to want to lose it. (It's also pretty shit for girls if it's the guys first time, most of the time they'll notice)

Knowing your attitude on women from your post last week, I can say with full authority that you have absolutely no remit to advise on relationships or love. If you want to comment on something called "being a dick to get laid" you're welcome to, but please stop spreading your nonsense here.

Also thanks Lara, this weeks seems much better, I feel bad for having a go at you last week now. Though the gay guy should just try and get some eye contact with guys he thinks are gay, that's kind of the universally recognised sign for establishing interest.

 

[SemiHumanTarget]

To Gaymer,

You can read a lot of evidence that supposedly more "attractive" people get approached far less because people are intimidated by attractiveness and tend to shoot lower than they think they can achieve. I imagine that's especially true in a bar/club scenario where many people are there specifically to hook up.

A good gay friend of mine and I had a system worked out at the coffee shop we worked at together. If a guy he thought was cute walked in, I'd give him a free drink and say, "it's from that guy", which would spark a conversation with the pretext that there was some kind of interest. Work out a good ice breaker that non-verbally indicates interest. Even if the guy turns out to be straight, it really isn't a big deal. Tough-guy fratboy types may put on a show like they're offended, but a surprising number of straight dudes are actually pretty flattered by it.

 

[Flying Dagger]

I am way drunk now, and also Swedish, so excuse me for any errors or references to socialism.

References to socialism? That made me giggle - socialism is the practice of redistributing wealth, that seemed absent from your post