Ophenix said:
This got a "
" out of me. First, being gay I've slept with almost every single guy I dated and with most because ,and not in spite of, being uninterested. I don't think many straight couples can say they started their relationship with sex and even fewer sleep with everything that moves like most gays.
You'd be surprised.
Keep in mind the whole
conservative family values thing is a stereotype, and in those circles, an
ideal that is seldom achieved. Even the colonial puritans had stats that indicated they got around. (A third of all Puritan brides were pregnant at their marriage, for example). We're taught we're supposed to date several times (twice) before throwing our clothes to the wind and rutting like bunnies, but this has done nothing to slow the rates of STI.[footnote]Nor has pregnancy been slowed by prudent dating strategies, as showed in those areas where activists suppress the availability of contraception. Human beings are just a randy lot.[/footnote]
I have to admit that when shifting my own dating circles from the pansex community to the mainstream, it kinda took me by surprise too. An LTR kinda guy, myself, it was disappointing how many first dates that seemed to go swimmingly turned out to be one-night-stands.[footnote]Or maybe I was just that bad in the sack...[/footnote]. In the sampling that makes up my own dating history, those women who were into me rarely waited for a second date before things got hot and heavy, to the point that I would assume a snog-free first date was a mismatch, and I'd never hear from the girl again.
Now the idea of sleeping with folk
regardless of express disinterest, that's a phenomenon with which, I'm not familiar. The closest I can imagine is hitting on someone with whom I was less invested, because it was emotionally safer, but even then a base attraction has to be there.
But when I was comparing het flirting and courtship behaviors to gay ones, what I was saying was, that
if two guys like each other (or two girls) the impulses are to engage that person somehow, even if it's just a shared activity as innocuous as bible study or a pot luck. And if that buzz is there, they'll continue to interact until either the sexual tension dissipates (say, do to a low compatibility sum) or until it resolves.[footnote]Often with the comedic
what just happened? afternote.[/footnote] Regardless of orientation, people statistically hook up from the same places: Work, school, church, friends of family, friends of friends. Craigslist and singles clubs are not on this list.
Secondly, a lot of guys who are slightly insecure (a common phenomenon in the realm of the geeks) are easily offended when another guy hits on them. There were two guys so far I tried to chat up and they acted all flirty till I asked them out and they said they were straight.
You've encountered what is the light end of the gay panic [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexual_panic] syndrome. My own experience with this sort of thing was in my teens / early twenties and being confused between what I wanted and what others wanted, hence if
I was hit on by a gay friend, did that mean I was gay myself (even if I was disinterested)?[footnote]Note, I was socially confused (and attracted to women, yet completely puzzled by them). So it was unclear to me where
doing something to make a buddy happy ended and my own limits began. I really needed to be able to say something to the effect of,
Dude, I love you, but I'd be really weirded out getting naked with you., and I simply had no understanding of how to formulate that language.[/footnote]
That said, those who would get offended by having the wrong person approach them
could use to have their delicate egos cracked. Half the population already gets hit on, often by people they'd rather not, and we all could use some lessons in both how to say and how to hear
That's very sweet of you, and you have excellent taste, but no. without freaking out.[footnote]As a ruthlessly pedantic sort, upon detecting someone was taking a hit poorly out of awkwardness, I'd go ahead and pressure them into roleplay:
Okay, I'm going to say, "Hey, baby, can I have this dance?" And you're going to say "Thank you, No. I only dance with Daddy." I'd recommend you figure out in advance your own devices for disarming such situations.[/footnote]
In the information era, I'd say, this is something that we should be teaching our kids:
I like chatting with you too. But I'm nine. Meeting IRL... probably not a good idea. We, as a species, we need to get used to saying
no, hearing
no and it all being okay. Doubly so for those of us in the US.
Just as an anecdote one of the guys I hit on came to me, with this morose expression and said he doesn't know what he is doing wrong. Men hit on him all the time. Girls are shocked to find out he isn't gay or even bi and he just doesn't know what to do! Needless to say I offered a comforting shoulder rather than tell him the truth: earrings in both ears, thin and with out a hint of muscle, clean cut shaven and dresses like a hipster - why would anyone think you are straight?
I'd say in such situations, you'd do him better being truthful.
Dude, the way you dress, you are queen of the ball. I'd further add that
this is not intrinsically a bad thing. Here in San Francisco, we pride ourselves on dressing to suit our characters rather than to fit someone else's standard of fashion and decorum. But many of us are plagued by images that will lead to common assumptions. So long as he is willing to accommodate for that (say, get used to making the first move, and outing himself as straight) he can hipster out all he wants.
238U.
