All Your Base Are Belong to Mom
- Thread starter Lara Crigger
- Start date
Now it might just be me, but I have my doubts about a cockroach infested hole filled with loud obnoxious room mates boosting the mood of "Not in the mood". Going on vacation together every once in a while is a splendid idea however. Or heck, a weekend resort, whichever works.
The friend zone is tricky. As Lara mentioned, it's not really worth dealing with and if it's upsetting you to any great degree, you might be developing a case of oneitis, in which case you're better off moving on and meeting someone new. Paradoxically, I think it's possible for shy guys to actually like the friend zone; it provides a kind of comfort wherein we imagine we're making progress, but in actuality we're just staying with what's safe and easy. Makes it too easy to blame outside circumstances, which keeps us from looking internally and starting our improvement there.
That's probably the number one problem of the friend zone. Most of the time the guy doesn't man up to ask the girl out!
Hear hear! It certainly takes balls to get out of the friend zone. I've had a lot of male friends of mine, who whilst I wasn't interested in them, were very interested in me, but wouldn't do anything about it.AbstractStream said:
The guy who did, and whom I was interested in, well, we're in a healthy, loving year long relationship, and we're all the better for the fact he had confidence. It's very attractive in a man.
The trick about the friend zone is: don't get in it in the first place!
You see a girl you like, might like or potentially could like...just hit on her. Tell her she's beautiful, make flirty jokes, just flirt. Make your intention clear i.e. you want to bed her!
Why the hell would you want to be a friend to someone you wanna bed? it's like watching the cooking channel, you can look but can't eat. Not to mention the pain it brings when you see her going out with someone else.
Remember, unless the girl look like a cow always treat them as a potential gf and hit on them from the start. There's absolutely no downside, if you realize you don't like them later, "let's just be friends" feels much better coming from you than her.
You see a girl you like, might like or potentially could like...just hit on her. Tell her she's beautiful, make flirty jokes, just flirt. Make your intention clear i.e. you want to bed her!
Why the hell would you want to be a friend to someone you wanna bed? it's like watching the cooking channel, you can look but can't eat. Not to mention the pain it brings when you see her going out with someone else.
Remember, unless the girl look like a cow always treat them as a potential gf and hit on them from the start. There's absolutely no downside, if you realize you don't like them later, "let's just be friends" feels much better coming from you than her.
Relationship advice-articles on a nerd-related website normally make me cringe (especially when written by a woman), but Lara, yours are great! Even if you couldn't care less about person X's problems, they are an awesome read.
And with all the pop/geek culture references, you sure know how to write for your target audience.
And with all the pop/geek culture references, you sure know how to write for your target audience.
If two college age kids can't figure out how to screw one another, then give it up now because all hope is lost. Seriously, from the initial letter, I'm thinking there is a compatability issue.
Yeah that's what I thought the article was going to be about which is the reason I read it.TitanAura said:
Until you move out of Mom and Dad's house, you are still a child. This is irrespective of whatever age you are. You don't become an adult until you learn to deal with adult responsibilities, and you can't do that living in your childhood home with Mom cooking dinner for you and Dad paying the household bills.
And, to put it bluntly, children (of any age) shouldn't be having sex. That's just the way it is. You want to have sex? Become an adult. Sex is an adult activity. You want to be an adult? Move out.
Simple as that.
And, to put it bluntly, children (of any age) shouldn't be having sex. That's just the way it is. You want to have sex? Become an adult. Sex is an adult activity. You want to be an adult? Move out.
Simple as that.
"Yes, moving out means you'll likely have to live in a cockroach-infested shithole with curious stains on the bathroom floors. And you'll probably need to cram one too many roommates into said shithole just to make rent. You'll subsist on mac and cheese and coffee grinds, and the only time you'll get a good meal is when you nip home to Mom's for Sunday roast.
But you know what? You'll be able to fuck your girlfriend whenever you like. And frankly, that's worth it."
Wow. I don't agree with that at all.
Andrew Eisen
But you know what? You'll be able to fuck your girlfriend whenever you like. And frankly, that's worth it."
Wow. I don't agree with that at all.
Andrew Eisen
Not in the Mood:Lara Crigger said:
Sometimes sex "without the feelings" is awesome. But here's the catch: it's usually only that awesome when it's with someone you have those feelings for. Think of it like skydiving--it's only "awesome" because you know there's a parachute, training, and supervision. If you were just falling, it'd be too terrifying for you to enjoy.
Same here. When you're in a committed relationship, that means you are free to engage in that no-holds-barred, no-strings-or-subtext, "meaningless" sex... but the both of you know you're with someone you can trust (your parachute), so you're free to enjoy it without fear of consequences. Basically, don't immediately knock the idea of "just plain fuckin'."
That said, decide your priorities. There's no doubt there are a lot of benefits to living on your own. Of course, it might just not be time for that for you. Only you know for sure. Are you making good use of the convenience home offers you, so that you can dedicate your time toward finding the right job with your hard-earned degree? ... or are you sticking close to home base because you're at the precipice and afraid to make the jump?
If you decide it's time, make the jump. Moving out is more "scary" than it is "hard," and fear only grows the longer you wait. Shop around for apartments or rooms-for-rent. Snag a job and see what your monthly budget is. Don't forget to buy the little things we take for granted before striking out on our own (like salt or toilet paper, etc.).
Above all, for now, the focus is your needs. That's where your brain needs to be right now, and your girlfriend should be focused on hers. You're no good to each other at all if you don't have your own ducks in a row. Don't let sex be a stress-er. Let it be a break from your rapidly-growing responsibilities, rather than being a chore of its own in any regard.
But, y'know, still be responsible about it. The last thing you need right now is a kid.
Apostate:
Always leave yourself room to be wrong. It could happen. Depending on your gender (unclear from the article), it could be that he just seems like a douche around you because he's threatened by your established relationship with his fiancée.
But, assuming you're right... consider that saying something is not going to convince her of anything except that you need to go. If this relationship is really headed where you imagine, you won't convince her to leave. But if you can be quietly supportive now, she won't shove you away, and you'll be there when she really needs you--in the aftermath.
Friend Zone:
Friends are good. Girl/boyfriends are good. But if you try to turn one into the other, you'll ruin both. And that's not good. If you've got a friend, enjoy that fact. There are plenty of other people in the world to fill the other roles in your life.
I'm just going to head everyone off at the pass right here and confirm now that this letter (according to details I left out) was written by a woman.Dastardly said:
Right on -- sorry about that. Of course, it doesn't specifically preclude a guy feeling threatened. A close friend can represent this whole other area of your life to which he isn't connected, and some folks are threatened by mystery (particularly in the part of your brain that will inevitably cast doubts before a major decision like marriage).Lara Crigger said:
Please note, though, that an explanation like this in no way means he isn't being a douchebag. It might just mean he's a different kind of douchebag.
That's the most illogical post i've seen all week.RonHiler said:
By your logic right there a 50yr old man could be living with his 75yr old mother and be "Labeled" a child which makes no sense on the matter.
A child is a child until teenage years and from teenage years comes adult years the whole independence crap doesn't always make you an adult, what about a brain dead or severely crippled person that may have no choice but to live with their elders? would you still call them a child and a baby then because they didn't man up enough to magically fix what was wrong with their body?.
Also who said they were children they are in college and your old enough to have sex when you go to college it's as simple as that.
OT: I do agree with the moving out idea since taking a vacation would seem nice it would just be a short break away from the parents and would no doubt reset the strain cycle all over again so moving out would seem the best possible solution to get at least some form of privacy.
Is the 50 year old still being looked after by his 75 year old mum, and has he never lived away from her? Then yes, he is a child no matter his age. The key is that an adult (mostly) takes care of himself. In the situation you describe, I would expect the man to be looking after his old mum rather than being taken care of himself.Shadow-Phoenix said:
Normally I love your column, but i can't tell you how disappointing it is to see you propagate the malicious "friend zone" myth.Lara Crigger said:
Correct me if I'm wrong here, but chances are that if you're not interested in a friend after months of knowing them, you wouldn't be interested in them after months of dating, either. If you don't like him that way as a friend, what you think you'd've liked him as a complete stranger?
I also have to say that it's pretty goddamn hurtful of you to suggest that i lack balls, just because i want to get to know a girl before asking them out (or before they ask me out). i couldn't imagine maintaining a long-term relationship with someone i couldn't be friends with, so what's the damn point?
oh right, casual sex. i forgot what the goal was here. maybe you're right, maybe i should be hitting on every attractive girl i meet, just to make sure she doesn't "friendzone" me. Maybe i'll miss out on some meaningful, lifelong friendships that way, but hey, at least i'll be getting laid! that's the important thing, right?
I went out with a friend once. It didn't work out, but we're still friends and i've never regretted it for a second.
I still don't see calling someone who's older than a child a child even if they lived with their elder.lithium.jelly said: