All Your Base Are Belong to Mom

[Doom972]

Having sex at the family's home isn't that hard. You should just do these four things:

1) Tell your family members that when your girlfriend/boyfriend comes home you wish to be left alone.
2) Learn to exhale slower during sex so people won't hear you moaning.
3) Lock the door.
4) Make sure you really locked the door.

No need to rush moving out. Enjoy what you have and move out when you're financially able and willing.

 

[The Virgo]

Want to get laid? Get away from Mom.

Ironic considering men commonly seek out women with qualities similar to their mothers.

Which is funny, because when you look, you'll see that a lot of mental disorders (of varying degrees) are caused by mothers. Fathers also cause them, but there's something about moms that can destroy sanity.

For Instance: Ed Gien. He had a very dominant and hard mother who forced her views upon her children. Ed later went on to turn bodies into different pieces of furniture, like a skull bowl, a lampshade and wastebasket made of skin and a belt made of nipples to name a few of his morbid, disgusting creations.

Here's an article on this very principle: http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/serial_killers/notorious/tick/3b.html

Don't get me wrong, abusive dads also make serial killers, but I think mother's are more prone to causing it. It's not any kind of fact, just an observation I've had ...

 

[BehattedWanderer]

Ah, the friend zone. It takes a push, it certainly does. But, if you want to leave, you must know--you will lose the friend. You might gain the boy/girlfriend, which is quite like a friend, but is more inclined to get annoyed by small things that you do, which might be overlooked by a normal friend. The best case scenario is that you are as you were, with the addition of new ways to touch each other. The downside scenario is that you get out of the friendzone, then become distant from each other because you lost the avenue of real discussion with each other, being unable to talk about each other to each other, as you might have discussed your dates before.

And, obviously, one of the worst case scenarios is that you ask her out, she thinks it's a wonderful idea, subsequently gets hit by a meteorite right before you get the kiss, but immediately after she says she's always felt the same about you, but didn't have the ladyballs to say anything. Because that would suck something terrible.

 

[Dark_Reaction]

Some of this advice is questionable. >:{

 

[ms_sunlight]

My parents used to let me have boyfriends stay overnight in my room once I turned 18, so I never wanted for somewhere private to have a shag, but I've got to say moving out, earning a living and being independent is the best thing you can do in your life. Anyone who says otherwise is still living with their mum and doesn't know what they're talking about.

 

[Dr.Nick]

Advice to anyone who reads this segment: Don't. Don't even bother reading it in the future. Don't take any of this "advice." It sucks.

 

[warmonkey]

Here's a thought.
You're a grown-ass adult? Your girlfriend is a grown-ass adult? Maybe your parents should face up to the fact that grown-ass adults have sex.

Really, not a big deal. Have sex at home. Turn on the TV or something. So long as you're not being obnoxiously loud, what the hell kind of problem could they have with it? Jesus, grow a pair, have the girl stay over. Your mom probably thinks it's weird she HASN'T heard you plowin' her yet.

IT'S JUST SEX. Unless you're living in a one-roomer with your parents -- so long as you have a door on your bedroom that shuts -- privacy is not a concern.

 

[beniki]

Move out? Kind of drastic but fair. No need to rush on it though. There are these handy places where you can rent a single room for a night, and it doesn't cost that much. They're everywhere too... I think they're called hotels?

As for the 'friend zone', that is a pure fabrication popularised by a sitcom that has since buried itself in mediocrity. Like the writer says, man up, and risk everything. If you lose it, well, hard work and alcohol numb most feelings until they get easier to bear.

Don't mix the two though... no one likes the guy who brings his laptop to the pub.

 

[cobra_ky]

Here's a thought.
You're a grown-ass adult? Your girlfriend is a grown-ass adult? Maybe your parents should face up to the fact that grown-ass adults have sex.

Really, not a big deal. Have sex at home. Turn on the TV or something. So long as you're not being obnoxiously loud, what the hell kind of problem could they have with it? Jesus, grow a pair, have the girl stay over. Your mom probably thinks it's weird she HASN'T heard you plowin' her yet.

IT'S JUST SEX. Unless you're living in a one-roomer with your parents -- so long as you have a door on your bedroom that shuts -- privacy is not a concern.

Good point. Chances are your parents had sex all the time while you were growing up, no reason you shouldn't be able to return the favor now.

 

[thenamelessloser]

Moving out may be decent advice too bad it only answers the question perhaps superficially. It is obvious that there might be a deeper issue about whether the person is compatible with his/her girlfriend with when and how to go about having sex. The letter asking for advice doesn't even mention mom or mother once! The person maybe living with their grandparents, his dad or some other guardian. Why the automatic saying move away from mom? It almost seems sexist somehow. Maybe just move away from the guardian or parent which still doesn't deal with the issue of partners wanting to go at a different pace when it comes to sex when other matters especially when living on one's own may make it so there may even be less time to get laid!

 

[Kenji_03]

Love FAQ: All Your Base Are Belong to Mom

Want to get laid? Get away from Mom.

Read Full Article

You really, Really, REALLY need to stop naming these things in steriotypical manners.

From the very start of your column I've felt it was aimed at the steriotype of a gamer. The "basement dwelling nerd with no social skills" and your titles are not helping me to look past that initial bias.

Your content is decent and advice is good enough, but seriously. If you want to last here you need to be more welcoming to us, not triggering latent memories of what we were teased for in our youth.

 

[hexFrank202]

You know what makes this column so good? It actually has opinions and takes bloody sides. Why does every sex ed person have to be so "well sex MIGHT be bad for you... it might not be. Well cheating MIGHT be bad, who knows? Abortion? Well you COULD say it's just part of your body, but on the other hand, it is kind of murder-ish."

 

[PrinceOfShapeir]

The whole concept of the 'Friend Zone' has always puzzled me, like it's impossible to simultaneously love someone and be friends with them. Maybe it's because I grew up in a house where my mother and father weren't just in love with each other, but were also friends. From everything I've been able to gather, the Friend Zone doesn't actually exist - chances are good that anyone who's gotten friendzoned by a woman never had a chance with her in the first place, one way or the other.

 

[Idocreating]

By your logic right there a 50yr old man could be living with his 75yr old mother and be "Labeled" a child which makes no sense on the matter.

Is the 50 year old still being looked after by his 75 year old mum, and has he never lived away from her? Then yes, he is a child no matter his age. The key is that an adult (mostly) takes care of himself. In the situation you describe, I would expect the man to be looking after his old mum rather than being taken care of himself.

Plenty of legally adult members of society live with their parents these days, mostly due to economic realities. Whether it be a death of your significant other, a job redundancy, lack of pay rise, it mostly boils down to money.

This does not mean that being under your parent's roof means you're a child. A good few of people I know who are stuck under their parents roof either chip in with household chores (As your would with roomates), rent payments and handling their own issues like washing, iron, cooking etc.

To say that a person living with their parents is being looked after by the parents is short sighted. The parent is basically a landlord/lady at that point in your life. Unless they're incredibly overbaring in which case you probably sold a kidney to make sure you could get out of that house asap.

 

[Idocreating]

Why the automatic saying move away from mom? It almost seems sexist somehow.

It's typically the mother of the family who is likely to cause awkwardness in this kind of situtation. As it's a guy were talking about his Dad is more likely to be cool with the whole thing, but it's more an issue of general privacy.

The whole concept of the 'Friend Zone' has always puzzled me, like it's impossible to simultaneously love someone and be friends with them. Maybe it's because I grew up in a house where my mother and father weren't just in love with each other, but were also friends. From everything I've been able to gather, the Friend Zone doesn't actually exist - chances are good that anyone who's gotten friendzoned by a woman never had a chance with her in the first place, one way or the other.

The friendzone is where you are attracted to another person but they wish to "just be friends" typically caused by you not quite getting the message that you've got no chance with this person romantically.

On a side note, women (and men) can avoid having a friend in the friend zone by being blunt about the lack of chemistry. If you let them down too gently they'll think they still have a chance with you. If the message doesn't get through, think like them.

Ask them if there is a type of person they find physically unattractive on a subconsious level. A person who, despite being the bestest most brilliant person in the world who many people would do unspeakable things to even spend 5 minutes with, they simply do not get aroused by in any way. For examples sake, I personally do not get sexually excited by black women. I don't know why and it's most certainly nothing racist, I can look at an attractive black woman and acknowledge that she's attractive but there won't be nothin' goin' on downstairs.

If a woman then said that I was like a black woman, I'd get the picture instantly and move on. That, for me, is how to be blunt without being a twat about it.

 

[ultrachicken]

epic snip

I think that not wanting to talk about a friend's guy problems is reasonable so long as you don't blow up about it. If you make it clear in a calm, polite way that you don't want to hear about that, then you'd still be entirely in the right.

Other than that, I agree. The Friend Zone is a myth invented by shy people who have no clue how romance works because they don't want to face the fact that they have problems.

OT: I gotta say, I really like these articles. Mostly because they're funny; I don't necessarily agree with what is written, but damn if it isn't entertaining.

 

[ultrachicken]

epic snip

I think that not wanting to talk about a friend's guy problems is reasonable so long as you don't blow up about it. If you make it clear in a calm, polite way that you don't want to hear about that, then you'd still be entirely in the right.

Other than that, I agree. The Friend Zone is a myth invented by shy people who have no clue how romance works because they don't want to face the fact that they have problems.

OT: I gotta say, I really like these articles. Mostly because they're funny; I don't necessarily agree with what is written, but damn if it isn't entertaining.

OK, saying "I'm sorry, I don't want to hear about this" to a friend is reasonable, but bear in mind that a friend should also be willing to listen to her problems when it matters.

I guess the thing that annoys me about it is that these guys only complain about it because they're delusional, and get it into their heads that THEY, somehow, are the best guy for the girl. To put it simply, they only complain about HER complaints because they think that she wouldn't have any, if only she wised up and got with her "friend", because they arrogantly believe that they, somehow, are better than these guys. Amazing how narcissistic people can be.

Or, perhaps it's because it can be really painful to listen to someone you "care" about (whether or not the obsession is a result of love is usually ambiguous) talking about their romantic exploits. And being a friend doesn't mean listening to EVERY problem. As some undisclosed person said who you quoted, "your feelings are important, too."