A Girl/Boy Troubles Thread

[ThatLankyBastard]

Ever had troubles getting the girl/guy of your dreams? Tell us about it...

Spoiler: My Girl Troubles

So there's this girl and we're very good friends and have been for a while now. She is beautiful, hilarious, likes video games and superheroes, is into anime and cartoons, and is basically an all-round female version of me... I'm not gonna lie, I like her. In fact, I LOVE her! but the feelings aren't exactly mutual...

...you see, she's in love with another guy... sort of... She and him had a very good and healthy relationship for a long time and had a very (as is "of epic proportions-ly") bad breakup. He has moved on but I'm very sure she's still in love with him (she says she hates him but it's rather obvious she doesn't...)

...to make matters even more complicated, this ex-BF that she is crazy about is my best friend. He and her still have a tenuous friendship and he has already told me that he is interested in other women... But she is still very obviously stuck on him and is not able to move on.

I've made various advances towards her, some subtle and others rather open, but all to no avail and I am very sure my attempts have failed because she is waiting on him, (he who has no interest anymore to have a relationship like that with her). Frankly, the entire situation just fucks with me on a level that anything rarely does, and I end up spending a lot more time then I should working myself up over it (something that, if you knew me IRL, you'd know I just frankly don't do...)

so there... that's my story... What the fuck do i do????

So then... share your stories or give some of your advice! I'm sure everyone has had some boy/girl troubles at one point or another

 

[DocBalance]

My girl troubles can be boiled down to one phrase: Don't fuck with the crazy. Seriously, would have saved me years of my life, just avoid crazy chicks and everything gets so much better.

My only real trouble is being somewhat dubious about the inherent risk of relationships. The only people I could see myself in a relationship with are very good friends of mine, and I'd be too worried about fucking up and losing the friendship to ever really make a move.

As for your current situation, OP:

Spoiler

If she hasn't moved on, she hasn't moved on. It's not healthy of her, but it's also not really something you can do anything about. The only foreseeable way to deal with this other than just letting it all run its course is to ask him to make it clear to her that it's never going to happen again, provided he has truly moved on, something that may be in question. Situations with mates can be tricky about this. I lost my best friend because of a girl like that, because no matter how often I said I was okay with their relationship, and after the fact that I was disappointed things turned out so poorly for them, it was a damn lie both times. I hated him for going behind my back and starting the whole mess with her, and I was ecstatic when it fell apart. I'm not a mean or vengeful person, I have never acted because someone was harming me personally, only in the defense of others, but I swear that entire affair brought out the worst in me. Yet I spent the whole thing pretending that I was fine, and that they were fine, and to this day I still don't talk to him. It's been two years, but the air never really cleared. I regret that. If there's even a chance of it going that way, then don't even try. You'll just lose a good mate, and she still won't be jumping for you.

 

[SckizoBoy]

My girl troubles can be boiled down to one phrase: Don't fuck with the crazy. Seriously, would have saved me years of my life, just avoid crazy chicks and everything gets so much better.

Depends on your definition of 'crazy'... 'happy crazy', 'mad crazy', 'sad crazy' etc...

I've fucked with the 'sad crazy' for most of the time I've been in a relationship and sure, I might be fucked in the head, but nothing (excessively) adverse has befallen me, except two deaths (not joking).

OT: I'm still in love with a girl who will never make me content or happy, and who I know I will never make content or happy.

 

[Elementary - Dear Watson]

My 'girl trouble' stems down to one problem... me! :/

I just don't have the guts to make an advance... which is odd as I am not that much of a shy person... in fact my job requires me to get up in front of a room full of very senior ranks to me and brief/teach them on a regular basis! I also used to be the frontman of a band in school... it's just I fear rejection so much that I can't make moves on girls I like...

It gets so bad that I ended up becoming freinds with a girl that I really do like, in fact quite good friends, we often game together, and she cooks me dinner at hers regularily, but I have no idea how to get myself to get us to the next level...! And I am too afraid now of fucking up our freindship... :S I guess in a weird way I have 'friendzoned' myself for being too much of a pussy to damn ask her out! (What I imagine most people who are 'friendzoned' actually are!)

I think I should note as well that the last time I 'pulled' a girl was my ex, when we got together 5.5 years ago! She dumped me this time last year, and due to a mixture of being too busy, and being deployed for 6 months I haven't really got myself into a mindset to try and meet someone else, apart from the lass who is now a good mate!

 

[Bertylicious]

You're in school or university or something, right? These years are the most socially intense of your life (assuming you don't end up in prison) so even if the whole situation explodes into a catastophe it will be a useful learning excercise.

My advice is that you already know what you want to do so just do it.

 

[Palademon]

Apart from failing to find people I'm attracted to, I've had remarkably little girl trouble.

The only big instance would've been when a girl I liked kept stringing me along, but that was mostly my fault since I'm simultaneously a whiny bastard and fucking adorable.
All of that got sorted out when she discovered she was a lesbian.

However that means a girl who has only been aware of her sexuality for a couple of years has gotten further than me...

Reminds me that I have a homosexual male friend who became bicurious. It took him a matter of a few days to find a woman to attempt with and discover he is just gay.
A few days and so far ahead of me...

I hope I make it into university this year and at least find someone I can fail at asking out.

 

[PatrickXD]

I would say that she's a no go, OP, at least until she does move on. She sounds like a pretty good friend for you, and there's nothing wrong with that.

My own girl troubles are fairly non existent. I don't have specifically girl troubles, I just have friend troubles. I hold people, including myself, to astronomically high standards that just can't be met by anyone. This is okay for myself, because I can mark the 'failure' down as a learning point, but when I start thinking about other peoples 'failure', it just keeps racking up and I end up hating them for no reason other than the false image of them that I have crafted in my mind.

 

[MammothBlade]

Don't give up yet. She's just trying to make you jealous. Treat her to a date at an expensive and romantic restaurant...

As for my own girl/boy troubles, I'm courting two eligible bachelorettes and one bachelor. Our levels of compatibility are quite high, but it's like stabbing in the dark trying to figure out how I should reply to them. I also get more and more insecure the longer I wait for a reply, figuring that they will just stop replying. Guess I have to trust them on that one.

 

[Jack and Calumon]

I like someone but I fear that asking them out will make things awkward if she says no, since I'm not 100% convinced she will say yes.

As for you OP: Well, I'd steer clear. I mean, you love her, yes, but she clearly hasn't got over him, and that means that any move you make is likely to fail, and she might get very mad at this. If she does move on, go for it.

Calumon: Ewwww, are you guys talking how best to eat people's faces?

 

[RoonMian]

Ever had troubles getting the girl/guy of your dreams? Tell us about it...

Spoiler: My Girl Troubles

So there's this girl and we're very good friends and have been for a while now. She is beautiful, hilarious, likes video games and superheroes, is into anime and cartoons, and is basically an all-round female version of me... I'm not gonna lie, I like her. In fact, I LOVE her! but the feelings aren't exactly mutual...

...you see, she's in love with another guy... sort of... She and him had a very good and healthy relationship for a long time and had a very (as is "of epic proportions-ly") bad breakup. He has moved on but I'm very sure she's still in love with him (she says she hates him but it's rather obvious she doesn't...)

...to make matters even more complicated, this ex-BF that she is crazy about is my best friend. He and her still have a tenuous friendship and he has already told me that he is interested in other women... But she is still very obviously stuck on him and is not able to move on.

I've made various advances towards her, some subtle and others rather open, but all to no avail and I am very sure my attempts have failed because she is waiting on him, (he who has no interest anymore to have a relationship like that with her). Frankly, the entire situation just fucks with me on a level that anything rarely does, and I end up spending a lot more time then I should working myself up over it (something that, if you knew me IRL, you'd know I just frankly don't do...)

so there... that's my story... What the fuck do i do????

So then... share your stories or give some of your advice! I'm sure everyone has had some boy/girl troubles at one point or another

My advice (if you want to maybe help the girl a little) is trying to seperate them from each other for at least a little while. It sounds like you are a pretty close circle of friends but she can't really get over him if she's often confronted with him. While this comparison my limp a little it is a bit like trying to fight a smoking habit while still smoking cigarettes every day.

Just do it out in the open and talk to both about it, that it's the right thing to do for both their psycho-hygiene.

I actually don't have troubles like that. I've been single since December... 2004...

 

[Exterminas]

You have been friend-zoned. Congratulations.
It happens to most people at one point or another in their life, and the sooner you learn to deal with it, the better your future love-life will turn out.

What you should do now:
Write this girl off as a potentical girlfriend. Take her completely off that map. If she was in love with you, you would know that by now. Try to be a good friend to both of them, since that is what a good person does. Suckering them apart from eachother not only violates the Guy-Code, it is also morally despicable.

Then you should move on and search for another nice girl to fall in love with, preferably one whose boyfriend isn't also a close friend of yours.

A lot of people will tell you some macho-romanticism-bullshit, about how you should fight for your love and how you should offer yourself to her, etc. I call that "macho", because it implies that the girl is unable to make a move herself, as if she is just sitting on the curve, waiting for you to pick her up. While there are women like that, most women are born with a brain and will give you some sort of signal when they are romantically interested in your. When they regard you as a close friend, that isn't one of the signals.


What you should learn from that experience:
You can not earn someone's love by being nice to them, not in the same way one can earn a currency. Many guys make a fallacy like this "Huh, if I am really nice to her, she will eventually show me her boobs!" - That is not how it works. That leads to you getting friend-zoned.

You can deserve love for being a nice person, of course. But you won't always get what you deserve. In the future, if you have a romantic interest in a girl, make that interest clear pretty early on and you will see her reaction. If she doesn't want you, be cool with that, rejection is a natrual part of love life. (Unless you happen to marry your first girlfriend at 18 and die on the way out of the church)

Sticking to this girl and desperately trying to reforge a friendship into a relationship, will not bring you any good, if she isn't interested in you. This isn't even touching the fact that women who make good friends don't neccesarily make good girlfriends. (Sounds, silly, doesn't it? But I think it is true)

 

[IndomitableSam]

She dated your best friend for years and is ignoring your advances. Stop now - this will only end in more issues. Seriously - it's why so many people have the "don't date your friend's exes" rule - all it does is upset everyone in the end and cause many, many problems. And, seriously, it doesn't bother you just a little that you'd be sticking it where your best friend had been? That doesn't bother you on any level, moral or physical?

Also, who says your friend is over her, too? If they were in a long relationship, feelings never fully go away, and you want to stick your, er, finger in that pie? You'll probably lose the girl and your friend.

Not even worth the chance of it working out.

 

[ThatLankyBastard]

Spoiler: Spoilering for length

You have been friend-zoned. Congratulations.
It happens to most people at one point or another in their life, and the sooner you learn to deal with it, the better your future love-life will turn out.

What you should do now:
Write this girl off as a potentical girlfriend. Take her completely off that map. If she was in love with you, you would know that by now. Try to be a good friend to both of them, since that is what a good person does. Suckering them apart from eachother not only violates the Guy-Code, it is also morally despicable.

Then you should move on and search for another nice girl to fall in love with, preferably one whose boyfriend isn't also a close friend of yours.

A lot of people will tell you some macho-romanticism-bullshit, about how you should fight for your love and how you should offer yourself to her, etc. I call that "macho", because it implies that the girl is unable to make a move herself, as if she is just sitting on the curve, waiting for you to pick her up. While there are women like that, most women are born with a brain and will give you some sort of signal when they are romantically interested in your. When they regard you as a close friend, that isn't one of the signals.


What you should learn from that experience:
You can not earn someone's love by being nice to them, not in the same way one can earn a currency. Many guys make a fallacy like this "Huh, if I am really nice to her, she will eventually show me her boobs!" - That is not how it works. That leads to you getting friend-zoned.

You can deserve love for being a nice person, of course. But you won't always get what you deserve. In the future, if you have a romantic interest in a girl, make that interest clear pretty early on and you will see her reaction. If she doesn't want you, be cool with that, rejection is a natrual part of love life. (Unless you happen to marry your first girlfriend at 18 and die on the way out of the church)

Sticking to this girl and desperately trying to reforge a friendship into a relationship, will not bring you any good, if she isn't interested in you. This isn't even touching the fact that women who make good friends don't neccesarily make good girlfriends. (Sounds, silly, doesn't it? But I think it is true)

Spoiler: ....and Again

I know I've been friend zoned and for the record i'm not just looking to see her boobs (and I have no intention of suckering them apart from eachother... I'm a good friend to both of them and that's just a complete dick move!). The reason I can't just write her off as a potential girlfriend is that she hasn't written me off as a potential boyfriend...

...jesus this is hard to explain...

... When I said that the feelings aren't exactly mutual, I didn't mean she didn't like me... I am friends with her friends and they've told me that she talks about me as if she wanted to be my girlfriend... but again, the whole reason she denies my advances is because she is still waiting for her ex to come back to her, something that i am very confident will not happen...

it isn't the rejection that gets to me. if she outright said "No I am not interested in you" then it would hurt for a bit but I'd get over it and I'd just be her friend! It's the ambiguity that kills me! It's almost like she's afraid to let someone close to her because she thinks they'll hurt her in the end...

I think I'm going to confront her about this. My plan is to outright ask her some tough questions and get a solid answer from her. Whether good or bad it's better then nothing...

I don't need to understand, I only need to know
Cudos if you catch that reference

Spoiler: Off-Topic

I like someone but I fear that asking them out will make things awkward if she says no, since I'm not 100% convinced she will say yes.

As for you OP: Well, I'd steer clear. I mean, you love her, yes, but she clearly hasn't got over him, and that means that any move you make is likely to fail, and she might get very mad at this. If she does move on, go for it.

Calumon: Ewwww, are you guys talking how best to eat people's faces?

Great to see Jack and Calumon taking an interest in my petty squabbles! Big fan of you guys!

Anyways, the ex is trying to help me and show her that he's moved on, but he's scared that doing it the wrong way will crush her and ruin their current friend-status relationship... As much as I think I'd benefit from that, thats not something I want to see...

 

[Jack and Calumon]

Great to see Jack and Calumon taking an interest in my petty squabbles! Big fan of you guys!

Uhh, thanks, I guess! I just wanted to help is all. I mean I'm not exactly a graduate from the Romantic College of Seduction, but I thought maybe I...

Calumon: How can you help when you have girl problems? :S

Jack: ...quiet you!

Anyways, the ex is trying to help me and show her that he's moved on, but he's scared that doing it the wrong way will crush her and ruin their current friend-status relationship... As much as I think I'd benefit from that, thats not something I want to see...

Ah, now this changes things. If your friend can lay it clear to this person that they want to be friends and nothing else and the lovely lady can accept this, then you are go. Maybe not straight away, I mean, it might take her a while to get over it or come to terms with it, depending on how much she loves him, or heck, she might not want a relationship straight away. But if your mate can convince her, then you may just have a shot.

 

[DocBalance]

Depends on your definition of 'crazy'... 'happy crazy', 'mad crazy', 'sad crazy' etc...

Crazy in general is to be avoided. My most poignant experience was with sad/obsessive crazy, but happy/manipulative crazy was also just oodles of fun. Just...just avoid the crazy. All of it. You'll be much happier.

I like someone but I fear that asking them out will make things awkward if she says no, since I'm not 100% convinced she will say yes.

As for you OP: Well, I'd steer clear. I mean, you love her, yes, but she clearly hasn't got over him, and that means that any move you make is likely to fail, and she might get very mad at this. If she does move on, go for it.

Calumon: Ewwww, are you guys talking how best to eat people's faces?

This is completely off-topic and more than slightly creepy, but I haven't seen one of your posts in forever, and for some reason coming across Calumon's running commentary once more made me quite happy. Thanks for making my afternoon.

 

[Doclector]

Well, the trouble is that I want a girlfriend. I can't have one.

I'm too unattractive, and I'm not naive enough to think anyone's left who cares about anything else. And yet sometimes I get crazy ideas about asking people out, even though it can only end in misery and humiliation. I just question why. Why was I given the ability to want such companionship, and not given the ability to pursue it with any degree of success?

Ah well. I've been far lonelier, and contrary to popular belief, you can live without a girlfriend. I've got my other goals in life, and I'll either work my through whatever stands in my way, or destroy it when it refuses to co-operate.

 

[Galletea]

She is not going to be able to move on if she is pretending to just be friends with this guy and is seeing him a lot. You likewise are never going to get a look in if she only ever sees you with him and can't distance herself from this fellow. So your best option is to leave her be for a while. Let her come to terms with the relationship and then maybe you could pursue her.
If your friend hasn't realised that this girl is still obsessing over him then perhaps you should point it out and see if he can distance himself a little.

More importantly, if you got with this girl now, it would be on the rebound for her and she would not be liking you for you, only as a replacement for him. So don't go there...at least not yet.

 

[Lilani]

Ever had troubles getting the girl/guy of your dreams? Tell us about it...

Spoiler: My Girl Troubles

So there's this girl and we're very good friends and have been for a while now. She is beautiful, hilarious, likes video games and superheroes, is into anime and cartoons, and is basically an all-round female version of me... I'm not gonna lie, I like her. In fact, I LOVE her! but the feelings aren't exactly mutual...

...you see, she's in love with another guy... sort of... She and him had a very good and healthy relationship for a long time and had a very (as is "of epic proportions-ly") bad breakup. He has moved on but I'm very sure she's still in love with him (she says she hates him but it's rather obvious she doesn't...)

...to make matters even more complicated, this ex-BF that she is crazy about is my best friend. He and her still have a tenuous friendship and he has already told me that he is interested in other women... But she is still very obviously stuck on him and is not able to move on.

I've made various advances towards her, some subtle and others rather open, but all to no avail and I am very sure my attempts have failed because she is waiting on him, (he who has no interest anymore to have a relationship like that with her). Frankly, the entire situation just fucks with me on a level that anything rarely does, and I end up spending a lot more time then I should working myself up over it (something that, if you knew me IRL, you'd know I just frankly don't do...)

so there... that's my story... What the fuck do i do????

So then... share your stories or give some of your advice! I'm sure everyone has had some boy/girl troubles at one point or another

Just for starters, I'm a female so that is going to be my perspective on things.

If I were you, when dealing with your friend I would tell the friend in advance that you're interested in her. Before saying anything to her, just approach the friend casually (while you're already hanging out or something) and tell him, "Hey, you know that girl? I think I'm gonna ask her out." If your friend gets mad, then just stand your ground. He's already expressed interest in other people, so any problem he has is just selfishness on his part.

As for dealing with the girl...I don't know. This seems like one of those situations you have to be in to really know. I guess just play it by ear. Maybe wait a bit longer for the dust to settle, hang out with her when possible so she becomes familiar with you but don't make any obvious moves until the wounds have healed a bit. Just know that her behavior isn't abnormal--I missed my first boyfriend when we broke up for a long time afterward (and we even broke up on amicable terms). So the sign you should look for shouldn't so much be the point where she's totally gotten over him, but rather the point where she is ready to start looking for someone else. Which, yes, is likely to be two totally different times. Girls can be open to new relationships without being totally "over" the previous ones, oddly enough. There is a risk of you being the rebound, of course, but if it's really meant to be that should fade as you warm up to each other.

 

[Rawne1980]

Only ever had one problem with a woman.

Many years ago, when I was a lad (I was 17), I met a lass in a nightclub. We went back to hers and the next morning she drove me home ..... then spent 9 hours sat outside my house, followed me to my friends then followed me back to the club and shadowed me around all night.

Fortunately my leave ended the next day and I was off back to my regiment.

Unfortunately .... for my sister .... she spent the next fortnight stalking her trying to find out where I was until my sis had to take out a restraining order because she was scaring my nieces.

And that little episode nearly convinced me to ask for 2 character references for any lass I took a shine to. I didn't but the thought was there.

 

[Slash Dementia]

Well, the trouble is that I want a girlfriend. I can't have one.

I'm too unattractive, and I'm not naive enough to think anyone's left who cares about anything else. And yet sometimes I get crazy ideas about asking people out, even though it can only end in misery and humiliation. I just question why. Why was I given the ability to want such companionship, and not given the ability to pursue it with any degree of success?

Ah well. I've been far lonelier, and contrary to popular belief, you can live without a girlfriend. I've got my other goals in life, and I'll either work my through whatever stands in my way, or destroy it when it refuses to co-operate.

There are those people who don't even care about looks. Two of my friends are that way. Sometimes, to get companionship like that, you've just got to go for it regardless. Remember, it's not necessarily you, it's the people you're going for. You can only go through so many or so little people and find one that will like you.

Anyway, my girl problem.. I'm jealous and my girlfriend, in the beginning of our relationship ruined what little trust I could have in someone--that was two years ago. She goes out with the person who was the cause of that whole trust-loss situation. We argue. I asked why she couldn't tell me that she was going with this guy before making plans with him. She's always so sneaky, and she understands my jealousy and lack of trust completely. I told her of my past and everything I went through and saw. It's just hard for me to trust.

We continued to argue all through the night, and then we made up. Told me to trust her, that she'd be gone for a certain amount of hours--told me she'd text me as much as I can. She offered. I agreed. The next day comes, she leaves, and I'm there waiting for anything. Nothing for a few hours. It passes the time that she said she'd be home by two hours, and my mind just goes crazy. We'd been having problems lately and I've been completely unhappy. I feel like leaving, but I don't know what's holding me. I probably feel like I won't find someone else, or I'm scared because she does the "I can't live without you" thing, that scares me--again, because of something from my past. I just feel completely down and I haven't talked to her all day today. I just feel like running away.