A problem like every other 17 year old has these days... :-( help me
- Thread starter Annoying Turd
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Don't worry folks I don't self deprecate in front of others, like Myke Tison does : http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mike_Tyson#On_Himselfultrachicken said:
The fact is that self confidence is something earned, and I have no real outlets available to me to improve myself in anyway, except for a gym or a girlfriend. I don't know what to become good at, and how to improve myself. I need some ideas.
Your username is "Annoying Turd," and you have spent the entire thread insulting yourself. Yes, you self-deprecate in front of others.Annoying Turd said:
You need to explain what it is you like to do. Writing? Music? Sports? Programming? How is it you spend your free time?
Oh, and getting a girlfriend to gain confidence is a bad idea. That makes you totally dependent on her, which makes you clingy and desperate. These are bad qualities in finding a mate. There's quite a bit I could say about this, but instead I suggest reading point number four in this article. [http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-reasons-life-actually-does-get-better/]
I'm a cracked reader too :-D high five!ultrachicken said:
The point on that article did shed light on my situation. I am totally envious of people in couples, totally lonely, and totally repulsive to girls. I tried finding ways to improve myself... like gym, but I don't know the exact manner I should improve myself and my self confidence.
All those activities you listed, I tried. I'm just completely horrible at them:
Writing: you've seen first-hand the poor quality of my writing. it's bloated, poorly punctuated, and i use broken english.
Music: I don't know how to play any instruments, and I can't understand anything by glancing on a musical sheet. I can't even compose simple music using simple software and make money, like my friend does.
Sports: post #17 on this thread :-(
Programming: Like my writing. Bloated, poorly optimized, and I don't even know how to write a shell script, or even a simple calculator.
All I can do all day is some working out, self deprecating myself on forums, and looking at clouds and dreaming since I can't do any better. Those are the only activities I can do which do not require experience or real knowledge, and for which nobody cares if I'm terrible at them.
I thought a girlfriend would help me forget how lonely I actually am. since loneliness is my biggest fear, besides losing my privacy and all that, I thought a girlfriend would be positive for me. she might inspire me and help me learn more about myself, and what activity or career I should pursue, and how to love others. most importantly, make me care more about myself or others.
Seriously, dude, find a hobby that makes you happy and work at it. So you don't like working out, playing instruments, programming or writing. TRY SOMETHING ELSE. Learn karate (martial arts are good for learning confidence). go skydiving. Take cooking lessons. Make pottery. Knit. Whatever. At 17 you should just be starting to explore the world and figure out what you love enough to have as a lifetime hobby. All of the things I listed are all group activities.
Oh and if she "hates you" and has a boyfriend? there will be other girls who like you and hopefully once you develop some self confidence and lose the air of desperation (as a wise woman told me when I was 17 "Desperation is never sexy"), you'll meet them. Confidence is sexy. That and macking on people who are already in relationships is kind of well...disrespectful to her.
Oh and if she "hates you" and has a boyfriend? there will be other girls who like you and hopefully once you develop some self confidence and lose the air of desperation (as a wise woman told me when I was 17 "Desperation is never sexy"), you'll meet them. Confidence is sexy. That and macking on people who are already in relationships is kind of well...disrespectful to her.
Sigh. You're still doing it.
Anyway, I hope you realize that being good at stuff takes a lot of effort and practice. At 17 I can't imagine you've spent a lot of time doing so.
Another thing, no matter what it is, expecting 'that one thing' to fix everything is wrong. You have to make yourself better, not anyone or anything else. Even worse, expecting a girlfriend to do that for you is grossly unfair to her.
Anyway, I hope you realize that being good at stuff takes a lot of effort and practice. At 17 I can't imagine you've spent a lot of time doing so.
Another thing, no matter what it is, expecting 'that one thing' to fix everything is wrong. You have to make yourself better, not anyone or anything else. Even worse, expecting a girlfriend to do that for you is grossly unfair to her.
Of course you're going to suck at all the things you listed there if you can't even stick to your guns long enough to improve at them. You can't write? Well, then, bloody learn it. Keep practicing some things you write aren't shit, figure out why they weren't and keep doing what you did right.
Or read, first. The more you read, the better you write. Reading is a hobby that reauires -zero- skill or even input, but does make you more interesting, attractive, confident etc. as you'll have more to talk about and will know what you're talking about, too. Order books online, see what you like or don't like, and order more of what you like. Trust me, ladies like a well-read fellow.
Learn to cook! Go cycling! Learn how to build computers! Grab every bloody opportunity you encounter and if you aren't encountering any, make some. You really are getting your causes and effects mixed up here. First you stop being lonely, then you get a girlfriend. First you get confidence, then you get a girlfriend, etc.
Your topic title says 'help me' but every attempt we make, you reject it. Ask yourself if you truly want to be helped. If you don't, we can just stop trying. If you do, you should actually accept our help.
Again: if you just need the motivation, watch Yes Man or google 'free to wear sunscreen'. Then get out there, and get crackin'.
Or read, first. The more you read, the better you write. Reading is a hobby that reauires -zero- skill or even input, but does make you more interesting, attractive, confident etc. as you'll have more to talk about and will know what you're talking about, too. Order books online, see what you like or don't like, and order more of what you like. Trust me, ladies like a well-read fellow.
Learn to cook! Go cycling! Learn how to build computers! Grab every bloody opportunity you encounter and if you aren't encountering any, make some. You really are getting your causes and effects mixed up here. First you stop being lonely, then you get a girlfriend. First you get confidence, then you get a girlfriend, etc.
Your topic title says 'help me' but every attempt we make, you reject it. Ask yourself if you truly want to be helped. If you don't, we can just stop trying. If you do, you should actually accept our help.
Again: if you just need the motivation, watch Yes Man or google 'free to wear sunscreen'. Then get out there, and get crackin'.
Yeah expecting someone else to 'fix' you is pretty needy and needy is a turn-off for most sane women (unless you want to end up in a codependant or controlling/abusive relationship)
There is ALWAYS something. Go onto an FAQ site and write one for every game you have ever played. If you need money, ask at literally every store in your area, even if it is just crushing boxes for 3 hours, you can talk to someone else doing it and get something for the time.Annoying Turd said:
If no wants your help, go out, get some decent clothes and cologne, practice being polite to a mirror, shower, get dressed and got for as many job interviews as you can.
There is always something to do.
Like people have mentioned before, pursuing someone who is plainly not interested will get you nowhere. Infact, you'll just look desperate. Find a hobby. Go out and do stuff. Eventually you'll find someone who shares your interests/likes/whatever who likes you as well.
I'm betting a lot of that is depression, self-loathing, and simple "I'm a teenager and I don't understand my own mind sometimes" talking. Being a teenager means thinking that a lot--at least it did for me and many of my friends and school mates.Annoying Turd said:
So, first: Stop talking about yourself like that. Confidence is key. If you stand around her and talk about how much better she is than you, how you have no life, and you simply whine, that will make pretty much any girl hate you. Now, don't overdo it and swing into full-blown bragging, but try to be more confident in yourself.
Second: Back off. Stop trying to talk to her every chance you get. Settle for simply smiling and nodding when you pass her in the hall. Perhaps a simple, "Hi Emily (just picked a name)" and nothing more. She may feel like you're pressuring her. Plus, if she already has a boyfriend, then I personally think you should leave her alone. I do not approve of trying to steal a girl from someone, but that's me.
Third: You'd be surprised how much attention you'll get if you suddenly stop paying attention to the girl. Now, I'm not say this will work and all women are like this, but sometimes if you suddenly stop talking, she'll wonder why you're not paying attention to her anymore.
Finally: As a lot of other people have said, she may simply not be worth it. Close off that part of your heart and move on. It's hard and painful, but it can be done. As long as you don't let it fester and ruin your entire life, you'll be a better person for it because you'll be able to move past her.
So you practice. Pick one of those activities you're interested in and work at it. You don't have to be good at any of those things, you can improve.Annoying Turd said:
Also, a girlfriend isn't the only way not to feel lonely. Join a club, make some friends. Again, no one is going to want to go out with you if you end up too clingy, so find some other people to hang out with.
I love the gym, guys. The pain and fatigue I get from physically exerting myself, I deserve for being a douchebag to a sweet girl.
I met a woman on skype, but she lives like half the world from me :-(
Any more advice on approaching girls in RL? Like good locations and manners?
I met a woman on skype, but she lives like half the world from me :-(
Any more advice on approaching girls in RL? Like good locations and manners?
Meet them while doing other things you both enjoy.
Good to see you keeping a more positive attitude, by the way. Keep at it!
Good to see you keeping a more positive attitude, by the way. Keep at it!
Then widen the scope of things you enjoy! Suggestions as to what have been made in previous posts.Annoying Turd said:
"She's the coolest girl i have ever met in my life" - You're idolising her. That's why it's so hard for you to let go and realise that she isn't good for you. Right now you're in the mindframe that there's no way you can possibly get over her because she's really cool and really sweet etc.Annoying Turd said:
If she really was that sweet then she wouldn't hate you like she does. To be honest there's very little any of us can really say to help you. This is something which you break through yourself and in time you'll be able to look back on this with a little pity and a little humour. It's cliche but time heals all wounds.
Another thing, the position your in now isn't solely to do with the girl. You mentioned that you have 0 friends where as she has a big family, lots of friends, etc. The reason why you want to be with her is because you feel like if you're with her then suddenly you're not alone anymore and you can share in this wonderful life she has. I may be way wrong here but it could be the case, I know I've done it before. A way you can help yourself is by reasoning through the self-hate and loneliness. A lot of people automatically assume that because they have no friends that means they are a rubbish human being. Looking back when I tried being friends with all the "cool kids" it makes me facepalm. I was never going to get on with them. I've found myself friends and they're great and they like me for being me. I don't have a lot but I would have found them a lot sooner if I stopped wasting time searching for friends and instead sat back and let them come to me. Just act polite and friendly. People may want to get to know you or not. If they don't then that's their problem.
All the best.