A question for the ladies.

[Doitpow]

Hi there!
A lot of my friends are girls, i get on well with girls, they get on with me. Having had a girlfriend for three years I think makes me more approachable to them, however this is also the cause of my problem. A lot of my girl-friends come to me when they are upset or stressed for comfort (at least when their girlfriends are not available) I really don't have a problem with this and am very flattered that they consider me a good enough friend to talk to, but the trouble is I have the constant niggling feeling I'm not very good at it. I listen and try and comfort and rationalize (trying not to patronize, which is very hard for me). But still I feel a kinda sub-par in the comforting role. This has got worse recently (I've had to deal with their multiple break-ups and one death) and I really could do with some help so...any pointers?

 

[Baby Tea]

Well, are the girls complaining?
No?

Then don't stress over it. When they stop coming to you, then you know you suck at it.
Otherwise, if they continue to come to you, then don't fret.

If I had to give advice, I'd say this: I've discovered from my marriage that sometimes a woman will come to you with a problem, but not for advice. I know, it's weird, but sometimes they just want to dump everything on you to feel better, and they just want you to listen.
No advice, no 'try this', nope.
Just listen and sympathize.

So unless they specifically ask you 'what you you think?', then just listen and be that comforting shoulder to lean on.

 

[Mookie_Magnus]

Most men really never know what to say to comfort women. It's not your fault, it's just that you have trouble empathizing with them. All you can do is just be there, and that's usually what they need.

Just... Just don't try to feel them up or anything while they're coming to you for reassurance. Not a good idea.

 

[Mookie_Magnus]

I've discovered from my marriage...

You're married? When did this happen? How did I not know this?

 

[Gxas]

Well, are the girls complaining?
No?

Then don't stress over it. When they stop coming to you, then you know you suck at it.
Otherwise, if they continue to come to you, then don't fret.

If I had to give advice, I'd say this: I've discovered from my marriage that sometimes a woman will come to you with a problem, but not for advice. I know, it's weird, but sometimes they just want to dump everything on you to feel better, and they just want you to listen.
No advice, no 'try this', nope.
Just listen and sympathize.

So unless they specifically ask you 'what you you think?', then just listen and be that comforting shoulder to lean on.

This, this, this, and more this! Hell, even guys need to dump all their feelings on someone every once in a while. So long as you listen to the girls, they will keep coming back. Always listen, offer advice when asked. These are the qualities of a great friend.

 

[JupiterBase]

The same happens to me, what ive learned is only tell them what you would do not what they should do. mostly just listen listen listen shut up and listen its the best thing to do.

 

[BonsaiK]

Hi there!
A lot of my friends are girls, i get on well with girls, they get on with me. Having had a girlfriend for three years I think makes me more approachable to them, however this is also the cause of my problem. A lot of my girl-friends come to me when they are upset or stressed for comfort (at least when their girlfriends are not available) I really don't have a problem with this and am very flattered that they consider me a good enough friend to talk to, but the trouble is I have the constant niggling feeling I'm not very good at it. I listen and try and comfort and rationalize (trying not to patronize, which is very hard for me). But still I feel a kinda sub-par in the comforting role. This has got worse recently (I've had to deal with their multiple break-ups and one death) and I really could do with some help so...any pointers?

They just want someone to talk to about it. You can't do any more than that, and they know this. All you really have to do is be there for them, which you are already doing, so don't worry about it. If they didn't feel comfortable talking to you, they just wouldn't do it.

 

[GodKlown]

The best thing you can do is just listen. Women do tend to talk a LOT as they vocalize their emotions and problems more than men do, but since they talk so much, their friends often tune them out or don't want to be burdened with problems outside of their own. As men, we don't often feel this compulsion to empathize with other people's problems and add them to our own, which apparently makes us good to talk to about problems. Unless it is highly personal to us, we don't get emotionally unraveled about them by simply hearing about them.
Having been in your position many, many times before, the answer is to listen to them and just help them talk it out. While you may feel you aren't being much help, just being a shoulder they can lean on in a time of need is helping more than you understand. So do just what you are supposed to: be a friend to them when they need it. And you actually have to pay attention to what they say, because you know there will be a pop quiz either during or after their discussions with you... they may not be looking for advice, they just want to know you were paying attention and understand their point of view on the problem.

And yes, it is a very smart idea not to take advantage of the situation by copping a feel. An upset or pissed off woman REALLY don't find that appropriate or funny, regardless of the intention behind it.

 

[Nemu]

Well, are the girls complaining?
No?

Then don't stress over it. When they stop coming to you, then you know you suck at it.
Otherwise, if they continue to come to you, then don't fret.

If I had to give advice, I'd say this: I've discovered from my marriage that sometimes a woman will come to you with a problem, but not for advice. I know, it's weird, but sometimes they just want to dump everything on you to feel better, and they just want you to listen.
No advice, no 'try this', nope.
Just listen and sympathize.

So unless they specifically ask you 'what you you think?', then just listen and be that comforting shoulder to lean on.

As a woman, I completely agree with this.

Sometimes women just want to vent. I would assume that these friends see you as non-threatening and trust you'll not only listen but not discuss with others wot they told you (unless previously approved of).

Heck, even as a woman, I don't know wot to tell other women who come to me with issues. So I just listen and nod until they either look at me pitifully, expecting an opinion or advice, or they smile and thank me and go about their business. *shrug*

Tea's got it right: if they continue to come to you, you're doing SOMETHING right. Maybe just continue to be "you" and be happy or honored to help? Ya never know when you might need a a shoulder to cry on.

 

[goatzilla8463]

Arrrrrr! WOMEN!!!

I don't understand them very well either. Just play nice and have fun

 

[Lord Mountbatten Reborn]

Heh, I used to get this every so often, but now I don't. It's probably because they think I'll insult them, seeing as it's what I do to my friends most of the time, or perhaps because all I do is look into the distance awkwardly, unsure of what to do apart from perhaps that half-sincere tap on the shoulder and a stony "there there".

Thank God it doesn't happen now.

 

[FranzTyphid]

Im shit at comforting im WAY to patronizing for my own good

 

[Doitpow]

I seem to be doing the right thing then. Comforting.
cheers y'all