I had quite a lot of fun writing this during the last couple of days as a break from writing other more pretentious things, and instead of printing it and locking it in some drawer like I usually do, I thought I'd post it here, since it is clearly where it belongs. I am not a native English speaker, but I did my best to write in English. The language barrier and some mistakes might still be there unfortunately. I do hope they are not that noticeable though.
By "starring Yahtzee", I am not referring to the guy himself of course (I don't even know him), but rather his cartoonish alter ego that we all know and love, the hat wearing fellow as he appears in the Zero Punctuation sketches. Or at least my interpretation of that character.
I hope you have as much fun as I did, I hope you laugh and I hope it manages to keep you interested until the end. Also, a warning for some mild profanity might be in order!
Off we go.
Act 1.
Act 2.
Edit: Acts 3, 4 and 5 below.
By "starring Yahtzee", I am not referring to the guy himself of course (I don't even know him), but rather his cartoonish alter ego that we all know and love, the hat wearing fellow as he appears in the Zero Punctuation sketches. Or at least my interpretation of that character.
I hope you have as much fun as I did, I hope you laugh and I hope it manages to keep you interested until the end. Also, a warning for some mild profanity might be in order!
Off we go.
Act 1.
Setting: Castle Slouch, an ancient castle passed down from generation to generation to Lord Slouch. Once the governing center of a bustling city of traders and its own independent kingdom, it is now the center of absolutely nothing and the only building still standing in the middle of thousands of square miles of grassland. As such, it is often visited by wandering parties of adventurers desperately looking for shelter or some hospitality.
Main characters:
1) LORD SLOUCH: Lord Slouch is the heir to the throne of Castle Slouch, a title worth very little, a fact that he is well aware of. He is a humble, good hearted, well educated man, but he rarely leaves the castle, so he is rather inexperienced. He prefers to live in his imagination more than in the real world, but his interest in the tales of his adventuring visitors is always very keen.
2) MR.BLACK: Mr.Black serves as Lord Slouch's personal aid, a duty that was also passed down to him from generation to generation. He takes great pride in his role and is, for all intents and purposes, Lord Slouch's best and only friend.
3) BOB LOCKE: Bob Locke is Castle Slouch's gatekeeper and sole defender. He is a man of few words and impossible to read, but well spoken and very persistent when it comes to his duties.
4) YAHTZEE: Little is known about this adventurer, apart from his eccentric attire and his foul mouth.
5) VIVETH: Viveth is an Elven Guardian of the northern forests. She only recently reached adulthood and immediately left the forest on an unknown quest. Her godlike looks and intense military training make for an extremely unusual combination.
6) SURPRISE GUEST.
------------------------------------------------------------
ACT 1
December 23rd, Morning, Castle Slouch Throne Room
M.B.: The sun has risen to greet you, Sire. Such a fine day to be king indeed.
L.S.: Are you not tired of this routine yet, Mr. Black?
M.B.: Never, Sire. It is my appointed duty to lift the king's spirits.
L.S.: The only thing that can lift my spirits right now is an 18 year old girl, Mr. Black, and that only briefly, until the crushing emptiness of this place inevitably drives her as far away from here as possible.
M.B.: Has your Majesty procured a wife, Sire? That is some jolly good news indeed! I shall inform the People and start preparations for the festivities at once, with your permission!
L.S.: Oh dear God. No, Mr. Black, no wife has been procured, I am afraid that Science has not yet advanced so much in our times that one can simply be willed into existence.
M.B.: You are just being modest, Sire. You are a king, you could pick anyone!
L.S.: Royal blood and a few stone walls do not a king make, Mr. Black.
M.B.: Oh, allow me to disagree Sire. Allow me to disagree.
BOB LOCKE enters.
B.L.: Pardon the interruption, my Lord, you have a visitor.
L.S.: Oh...?
B.L.: An adventurer, Sire. He claims to have recently fought a dragon of the plains and is seeking rest and shelter.
L.S.: A dragon.
B.L.: Aye, my Lord.
L.S.: Of the prairie.
B.L.: Of the plains, my Lord.
L.S.: Right, right. Well! This should be interesting. Show him in, Bob.
B.L.: As you wish, my Lord.
BOB LOCKE exits.
M.B.: (cough)
L.S.: ...yes, Mr. Black?
M.B.: Pardon my impudence, Sire, but this visitor seems to be a lunatic. He might be dangerous. Are you sure you should let him in?
L.S.: He might be deluded, but I don't think that makes him dangerous, Mr. Black. Besides, it's yet another lonely, depressing Christmas time and I could use some more company.
M.B.: I admit, I am also curious to hear his tale, Sire. Very well then. Very well.
BOB LOCKE and YAHTZEE enter.
B.L.: Yahtzee, I present to you Lord Slouch.
L.S.: Welcome to my humble abode, Yahtzee.
Y. : It's anything but humble, but it certainly is warm. Such a blessing. My bollocks are freezing.
M.B.: W--I beg your...
L.S.: It's no problem, Mr. Black. Let the man speak as he wills. I don't believe in such conventions, you know that.
M.B.: V...very well, Sire.
L.S.: I am Lord Slouch, and this is Mr. Black, Yahtzee.
Y. : Lovely, I seem to have wandered into the kingdom of No First Names.
L.S.: ...and this is Bob Locke, the castle's gatekeeper.
Y. : Oh. Never mind that, then.
L.S.: I trust you have an amazing story to tell us, Yahtzee. Regarding a dragon. Of the plains.
Y. : I have amazing stories coming out of every orifice, Slouch. You are welcome to them, but allow me to bathe first.
L.S.: I understand, fighting that dragon must have been quite messy I suppose.
Y. : Not really, but it has been six months.
L.S.: Oh. Right. Of course. Bob?
B.L.: My Lord?
L.S.: Show Yahtzee to one of the guest rooms if you will.
B.L.: Certainly, my Lord.
L.S.: Lunch is in one hour, Yahtzee, that ought to be enough time for you to get cleaned up. Bob will come by your room when it is time to show you to the mess hall.
Y. : Right'o.
BOB LOCKE and YAHTZEE exit.
M.B.: Unspeakable. Such a peasant.
L.S.: Cheer up, Mr.Black. I have a feeling that something extraordinary just happened: we met someone worth meeting.
M.B.: For better or for worse, Sire. For better or for worse.
Main characters:
1) LORD SLOUCH: Lord Slouch is the heir to the throne of Castle Slouch, a title worth very little, a fact that he is well aware of. He is a humble, good hearted, well educated man, but he rarely leaves the castle, so he is rather inexperienced. He prefers to live in his imagination more than in the real world, but his interest in the tales of his adventuring visitors is always very keen.
2) MR.BLACK: Mr.Black serves as Lord Slouch's personal aid, a duty that was also passed down to him from generation to generation. He takes great pride in his role and is, for all intents and purposes, Lord Slouch's best and only friend.
3) BOB LOCKE: Bob Locke is Castle Slouch's gatekeeper and sole defender. He is a man of few words and impossible to read, but well spoken and very persistent when it comes to his duties.
4) YAHTZEE: Little is known about this adventurer, apart from his eccentric attire and his foul mouth.
5) VIVETH: Viveth is an Elven Guardian of the northern forests. She only recently reached adulthood and immediately left the forest on an unknown quest. Her godlike looks and intense military training make for an extremely unusual combination.
6) SURPRISE GUEST.
------------------------------------------------------------
ACT 1
December 23rd, Morning, Castle Slouch Throne Room
M.B.: The sun has risen to greet you, Sire. Such a fine day to be king indeed.
L.S.: Are you not tired of this routine yet, Mr. Black?
M.B.: Never, Sire. It is my appointed duty to lift the king's spirits.
L.S.: The only thing that can lift my spirits right now is an 18 year old girl, Mr. Black, and that only briefly, until the crushing emptiness of this place inevitably drives her as far away from here as possible.
M.B.: Has your Majesty procured a wife, Sire? That is some jolly good news indeed! I shall inform the People and start preparations for the festivities at once, with your permission!
L.S.: Oh dear God. No, Mr. Black, no wife has been procured, I am afraid that Science has not yet advanced so much in our times that one can simply be willed into existence.
M.B.: You are just being modest, Sire. You are a king, you could pick anyone!
L.S.: Royal blood and a few stone walls do not a king make, Mr. Black.
M.B.: Oh, allow me to disagree Sire. Allow me to disagree.
BOB LOCKE enters.
B.L.: Pardon the interruption, my Lord, you have a visitor.
L.S.: Oh...?
B.L.: An adventurer, Sire. He claims to have recently fought a dragon of the plains and is seeking rest and shelter.
L.S.: A dragon.
B.L.: Aye, my Lord.
L.S.: Of the prairie.
B.L.: Of the plains, my Lord.
L.S.: Right, right. Well! This should be interesting. Show him in, Bob.
B.L.: As you wish, my Lord.
BOB LOCKE exits.
M.B.: (cough)
L.S.: ...yes, Mr. Black?
M.B.: Pardon my impudence, Sire, but this visitor seems to be a lunatic. He might be dangerous. Are you sure you should let him in?
L.S.: He might be deluded, but I don't think that makes him dangerous, Mr. Black. Besides, it's yet another lonely, depressing Christmas time and I could use some more company.
M.B.: I admit, I am also curious to hear his tale, Sire. Very well then. Very well.
BOB LOCKE and YAHTZEE enter.
B.L.: Yahtzee, I present to you Lord Slouch.
L.S.: Welcome to my humble abode, Yahtzee.
Y. : It's anything but humble, but it certainly is warm. Such a blessing. My bollocks are freezing.
M.B.: W--I beg your...
L.S.: It's no problem, Mr. Black. Let the man speak as he wills. I don't believe in such conventions, you know that.
M.B.: V...very well, Sire.
L.S.: I am Lord Slouch, and this is Mr. Black, Yahtzee.
Y. : Lovely, I seem to have wandered into the kingdom of No First Names.
L.S.: ...and this is Bob Locke, the castle's gatekeeper.
Y. : Oh. Never mind that, then.
L.S.: I trust you have an amazing story to tell us, Yahtzee. Regarding a dragon. Of the plains.
Y. : I have amazing stories coming out of every orifice, Slouch. You are welcome to them, but allow me to bathe first.
L.S.: I understand, fighting that dragon must have been quite messy I suppose.
Y. : Not really, but it has been six months.
L.S.: Oh. Right. Of course. Bob?
B.L.: My Lord?
L.S.: Show Yahtzee to one of the guest rooms if you will.
B.L.: Certainly, my Lord.
L.S.: Lunch is in one hour, Yahtzee, that ought to be enough time for you to get cleaned up. Bob will come by your room when it is time to show you to the mess hall.
Y. : Right'o.
BOB LOCKE and YAHTZEE exit.
M.B.: Unspeakable. Such a peasant.
L.S.: Cheer up, Mr.Black. I have a feeling that something extraordinary just happened: we met someone worth meeting.
M.B.: For better or for worse, Sire. For better or for worse.
Act 2.
ACT 2
December 23rd, Noon, Castle Slouch Mess Hall
LORD SLOUCH and MR.BLACK are seated at the table. BOB LOCKE and YAHTZEE enter.
Y. : Hello again, chaps. What's for lunch then?
M.B.: Grilled rat. And bat droppings for desert.
Y. : Oh. I was just curious. I am not all that hungry really.
M.B.: Is that so? I thought our menu would make you feel right at home.
L.S.: Take a seat, Yahtzee, we may be in the middle of nowhere, but we are no barbarians. Mr. Black is just joking. His sense of humour often matches his name, but he grows on you.
Y. : Right. Oh, Black. You minx.
M.B.: (cough)
L.S.: Mr.Black, this table looks desperately empty without your culinary works of art on it. Get to it, if you would be so kind.
M.B.: Right away, Sire.
MR.BLACK exits. BOB LOCKE and YAHTZEE sit at the table.
L.S.: So, Yahtzee. I have been meaning to ask you something from the first moment you walked in.
Y. : I'm all ears.
L.S.: Where is your armor?
Y. : My...armor?
L.S.: You seem surprised. Am I to believe that you are a dragon slaying adventurer in a trench coat and a hat then?
Y. : Well... I suppose so. They always do the trick and they are not even made of mithril, just good old wool.
L.S.: I see. One more question, if you will.
Y. : I think I can guess that one. Where is my weapon, right?
L.S.: Correct. You do have a weapon at least, don't you?
Y. : Of course. A weapon beyond any man's imagination. A weapon from another world. A weapon of the Gods.
L.S.: Will you show me?
Y. : Gladly. You might want to avert your eyes though.
YAHTZEE reaches into his coat's pocket and pulls something out.
Y. : There it is. My pride and salvation.
L.s.: Yahtzee?
Y. : Yeah?
L.S.: This is a pen.
Y. : Correction, this looks like a pen. In the right hands, it is nothing short of Armageddon.
L.S.: You killed a dragon with a pen?
Y. : Well... You see, technically the dragon is not dead.
MR.BLACK enters holding silver dishes.
M.B.: I couldn't help but overhear those last few words. Did you negotiate with the dragon then, Mr. Yahtzee? Please, do tell us about your mutually beneficial aggreement. Who knows, it might come in handy if we are ever attacked by such a beast.
B.L.: (chuckles)
Y. : Welcome back, Black. No, I did not speak with the dragon. I tried to kill him, I really did, but it was as if I was hitting air.
L.S.: Now that is really odd, isn't it?
Y. : Yeah. I think it was a glitch.
L.S.: A what?
Y. : You know, world geometry screwup.
L.S.: I'm afraid I lost you.
Y. : Never mind. So I was just walking, minding my own business, you know?
L.S.: What is your destination Yahtzee, if you don't mind me asking?
Y. : I have none, that would be too restrictive. I just walk the earth, sandbox style, you know? Like in Kung Fu. Or like Samuel Jackson. Bugger me, which one was it?
L.S.: Once again, I am losing you.
Y. : Right, yeah, sorry. So I was just walking, and suddenly I see this dragon lying on top of a hill. He wasn't too big and he was sleeping, but he was blowing black smoke out of his nostrils. Needless to say, I shat bricks.
M.B.: Oh, for the love of...
Y. : I mean, what if he woke up? He would certainly spot me, with the hat and everything. I would have to take it off, and I only do that to get a haircut, no exceptions, period. So I decided to creep up on him. I crawled on the grass all the way to the top of the hill for lack of better cover and I attacked him from behind. I wounded him badly and then ran. He never saw it coming, the poor bastard.
L.S.: With this here pen.
Y. : Right.
L.S.: Well, that is indeed something to be proud of, Yahtzee. I feel safer with you here already.
M.B.: Indeed, Sire. Who knows, with an actual sword, Mr. Yahtzee might even be able to slay Death himself.
Y. : You are such a minx, Black. I told you that already, didn't I?
M.B.: So you did.
Y. : All is well though, I still like you. If anything, you are a bloody good cook. This is delicious.
M.B.: A compliment. You must have really struggled to come up with that one.
L.S.: Don't be mean now, Mr.Black. Let us all enjoy our lunch in peace and trouble our guest no longer.
M.B.: Of course, Sire.
L.S.: Yahtzee, you are free to retire and rest for as long as you like after lunch. If you feel like a cup of tea in the afternoon, Mr.Black will be happy to make you one.
M.B.: Delighted indeed.
L.S.: By tomorrow morning though, I would love to hear more of your stories over breakfast, if that's no trouble to you.
Y. : No trouble, no trouble. I will have to give it some thought and pick the most impressive ones though.
M.B.: Oh, the anticipation. Woe is me, for I will hardly get any sleep tonight.
L.S.: That's quite enough, Mr.Black.
M.B.: My apologies, Sire.
December 23rd, Noon, Castle Slouch Mess Hall
LORD SLOUCH and MR.BLACK are seated at the table. BOB LOCKE and YAHTZEE enter.
Y. : Hello again, chaps. What's for lunch then?
M.B.: Grilled rat. And bat droppings for desert.
Y. : Oh. I was just curious. I am not all that hungry really.
M.B.: Is that so? I thought our menu would make you feel right at home.
L.S.: Take a seat, Yahtzee, we may be in the middle of nowhere, but we are no barbarians. Mr. Black is just joking. His sense of humour often matches his name, but he grows on you.
Y. : Right. Oh, Black. You minx.
M.B.: (cough)
L.S.: Mr.Black, this table looks desperately empty without your culinary works of art on it. Get to it, if you would be so kind.
M.B.: Right away, Sire.
MR.BLACK exits. BOB LOCKE and YAHTZEE sit at the table.
L.S.: So, Yahtzee. I have been meaning to ask you something from the first moment you walked in.
Y. : I'm all ears.
L.S.: Where is your armor?
Y. : My...armor?
L.S.: You seem surprised. Am I to believe that you are a dragon slaying adventurer in a trench coat and a hat then?
Y. : Well... I suppose so. They always do the trick and they are not even made of mithril, just good old wool.
L.S.: I see. One more question, if you will.
Y. : I think I can guess that one. Where is my weapon, right?
L.S.: Correct. You do have a weapon at least, don't you?
Y. : Of course. A weapon beyond any man's imagination. A weapon from another world. A weapon of the Gods.
L.S.: Will you show me?
Y. : Gladly. You might want to avert your eyes though.
YAHTZEE reaches into his coat's pocket and pulls something out.
Y. : There it is. My pride and salvation.
L.s.: Yahtzee?
Y. : Yeah?
L.S.: This is a pen.
Y. : Correction, this looks like a pen. In the right hands, it is nothing short of Armageddon.
L.S.: You killed a dragon with a pen?
Y. : Well... You see, technically the dragon is not dead.
MR.BLACK enters holding silver dishes.
M.B.: I couldn't help but overhear those last few words. Did you negotiate with the dragon then, Mr. Yahtzee? Please, do tell us about your mutually beneficial aggreement. Who knows, it might come in handy if we are ever attacked by such a beast.
B.L.: (chuckles)
Y. : Welcome back, Black. No, I did not speak with the dragon. I tried to kill him, I really did, but it was as if I was hitting air.
L.S.: Now that is really odd, isn't it?
Y. : Yeah. I think it was a glitch.
L.S.: A what?
Y. : You know, world geometry screwup.
L.S.: I'm afraid I lost you.
Y. : Never mind. So I was just walking, minding my own business, you know?
L.S.: What is your destination Yahtzee, if you don't mind me asking?
Y. : I have none, that would be too restrictive. I just walk the earth, sandbox style, you know? Like in Kung Fu. Or like Samuel Jackson. Bugger me, which one was it?
L.S.: Once again, I am losing you.
Y. : Right, yeah, sorry. So I was just walking, and suddenly I see this dragon lying on top of a hill. He wasn't too big and he was sleeping, but he was blowing black smoke out of his nostrils. Needless to say, I shat bricks.
M.B.: Oh, for the love of...
Y. : I mean, what if he woke up? He would certainly spot me, with the hat and everything. I would have to take it off, and I only do that to get a haircut, no exceptions, period. So I decided to creep up on him. I crawled on the grass all the way to the top of the hill for lack of better cover and I attacked him from behind. I wounded him badly and then ran. He never saw it coming, the poor bastard.
L.S.: With this here pen.
Y. : Right.
L.S.: Well, that is indeed something to be proud of, Yahtzee. I feel safer with you here already.
M.B.: Indeed, Sire. Who knows, with an actual sword, Mr. Yahtzee might even be able to slay Death himself.
Y. : You are such a minx, Black. I told you that already, didn't I?
M.B.: So you did.
Y. : All is well though, I still like you. If anything, you are a bloody good cook. This is delicious.
M.B.: A compliment. You must have really struggled to come up with that one.
L.S.: Don't be mean now, Mr.Black. Let us all enjoy our lunch in peace and trouble our guest no longer.
M.B.: Of course, Sire.
L.S.: Yahtzee, you are free to retire and rest for as long as you like after lunch. If you feel like a cup of tea in the afternoon, Mr.Black will be happy to make you one.
M.B.: Delighted indeed.
L.S.: By tomorrow morning though, I would love to hear more of your stories over breakfast, if that's no trouble to you.
Y. : No trouble, no trouble. I will have to give it some thought and pick the most impressive ones though.
M.B.: Oh, the anticipation. Woe is me, for I will hardly get any sleep tonight.
L.S.: That's quite enough, Mr.Black.
M.B.: My apologies, Sire.
Edit: Acts 3, 4 and 5 below.
Nobody likes him very much.
