For my One thousandth post, I thought I'd do a movie review, I thought it would be nice as I have only written one review before on The Escapist; so without ado, here is my review for:
Inquisitor
...Well, you didn't expect it to be a good movie, did you? Anyway, be aware, the image quality is low, and there are spoilers abound, not that you'd probably care, but the film is on Youtube if you'd like to watch it, you crazy fools. On topic, Inquisitor was a film produced by Games Workshop in 1996 based on Warhammer 40,000.
Our story begins with a bunch of Imperial ships leaving the warp to orbit a planet, the ships proceed to bombard the planet surface; also, the CG models of the ships only have three guns, most jarring, in a universe were you can never have enuff dakka.
Cut to inside one of the ships, were an admiral (I assume) is watching from a window, instead of, oh I don't know, doing his job.
our hero arrives, it is Captain Darius of the Dark Angels chapter of space marines; his actor isn't very good, so we shall instead assume he is incapable of showing emotion. Apparently the planet they are orbiting was important enough to warrant a dangerous mission to retrieve an artefact, with the only survivor being the leader of the expedition, an Inquisitor. The captain is pissed (or at least as pissed as an emotionally inept space marine can get) because those marines were under his command...wait, if he commanded those troops, then why was he not down there with them? Surely if the mission was serious enough to warrant an Imperial Inquisitor it would benefit from the prescience of a Space Marine captain. And also, if the planet is so important, why did they leave and then come back? Anyway...
NOBODY EXPECTS THE IMPERIAL INQUISITION. There, that's the only Monty Python joke you are getting out of me, make it last. So the aforementioned Inquisitor pops out from nowhere (trust me, you'll be seeing it a lot in this movie) and they plan to go down to the planet surface again, for...some reason, with the Inquisitor and five space marines including Darius. Wait...Are they going down with less troops? Why the hell would you go on an extremely dangerous mission with that many when it's all ready been proven that a force of more than five marines get slaughtered? Damn it movie, it's been five minutes and you don't make any sense already. Also another thing to point out is the scene is so dark that it looks like it was filmed in black and white, so much that it is difficult to see the characters; surely they must have decent lighting in the 41st millennium? I mean Warhammer 40k is very GRIMDARK, but this is pushing it a bit don't you think? Plus the room is featureless, c'mon guys, a table here, a couple of chairs there and you can have a pleasant room where you can have tea and watch a populated planet get reduced to a barren rock by virus bombs! Wouldn't that just be splendid?.
Anyway they drop down to the planet and we are treated to 20 seconds of nothing with 5 seconds at the end just to pan towards an ominous figure. This does not further the plot whatsoever.
Cut to our admiral, who's standing in his featureless room when, suddenly, a hooded figure appears, also from nowhere. are these guys coming from a pocket dimension or something? The hooded fellow is an astropath from the Ordo Malleus, who hunt daemons, and has come to be used as a telephone to another ship far away, seriously, that is all he does. The other side of the line says they will bring reinforcements, although, they don't appear in the film, making this scene completely pointless.
At last, our heroes finally reach the planet, where they enter an ominous square building, which again, is absolutely featureless, if the Eldar were in this film they wouldn't stand for this shit, I mean, seriously guys? No creepy engravings? No skeletons? Absolutely nothing? Please, guys, throw me a bone here.
The viewpoint cuts to the figure again, who actually talks this time, but it is still very pointless.
The squad leave one guy to guard, sucks to be him; at this point, I'd like to point out how brilliant the costumes are, they are one of the few good points of the film.
A pair of arms grab Brother Expendable and pull him inward, never to be seen again, what a surprise.
The last two nameless guys are sent to investigate, unfortunately, these guys are the Brother Expendable's cousins, and they also are killed, though they take a few chaos guys down.
Another Chaos marine ambushes the captain and the Inquisitor, who were just inspecting mysterious group of blocks in slots, the Inquisitor decides taking one of the blocks is a good idea.
The captains hand explodes for no reason.
PEAK-A-BOO
Taking the block was obviously not a good idea, as a terrible beastie appears! ...Wait, that's just a Chaos Juggernaut, an Inquisitor and a captain can take him down easy.
But the Inquisitor strikes back! Man, this is going to be an awesome climactic battle sequence, surely this is the moment they've been saving the budget for, I can't wait.
...he puts the block back.
The beastie is displeased by this and promptly buggers off.
The Chaos guy counters by...melting for some reason, and the film ends.
What.
The.
Hell.
Where was my climactic battle? He just puts the block back in? That's boring!
So, there's Inquisitor for you, it's boring, there are big plot holes, and there is no characterisation. Yippee. I give I give it 1 Commissar Holt out of five.
Still, good costumes. Speaking of good costumes, there are a pair of trailers for two other films, and they have beautiful costumes too, just look at these:
Unfortunately, I can't seem to find either of these films, so if you find one, do tell me, and I'll review it, though you'll have to wait another thousand posts
In the meantime, I'm off to burn some heretics.
...Well, you didn't expect it to be a good movie, did you? Anyway, be aware, the image quality is low, and there are spoilers abound, not that you'd probably care, but the film is on Youtube if you'd like to watch it, you crazy fools. On topic, Inquisitor was a film produced by Games Workshop in 1996 based on Warhammer 40,000.
Our story begins with a bunch of Imperial ships leaving the warp to orbit a planet, the ships proceed to bombard the planet surface; also, the CG models of the ships only have three guns, most jarring, in a universe were you can never have enuff dakka.
Cut to inside one of the ships, were an admiral (I assume) is watching from a window, instead of, oh I don't know, doing his job.
our hero arrives, it is Captain Darius of the Dark Angels chapter of space marines; his actor isn't very good, so we shall instead assume he is incapable of showing emotion. Apparently the planet they are orbiting was important enough to warrant a dangerous mission to retrieve an artefact, with the only survivor being the leader of the expedition, an Inquisitor. The captain is pissed (or at least as pissed as an emotionally inept space marine can get) because those marines were under his command...wait, if he commanded those troops, then why was he not down there with them? Surely if the mission was serious enough to warrant an Imperial Inquisitor it would benefit from the prescience of a Space Marine captain. And also, if the planet is so important, why did they leave and then come back? Anyway...
NOBODY EXPECTS THE IMPERIAL INQUISITION. There, that's the only Monty Python joke you are getting out of me, make it last. So the aforementioned Inquisitor pops out from nowhere (trust me, you'll be seeing it a lot in this movie) and they plan to go down to the planet surface again, for...some reason, with the Inquisitor and five space marines including Darius. Wait...Are they going down with less troops? Why the hell would you go on an extremely dangerous mission with that many when it's all ready been proven that a force of more than five marines get slaughtered? Damn it movie, it's been five minutes and you don't make any sense already. Also another thing to point out is the scene is so dark that it looks like it was filmed in black and white, so much that it is difficult to see the characters; surely they must have decent lighting in the 41st millennium? I mean Warhammer 40k is very GRIMDARK, but this is pushing it a bit don't you think? Plus the room is featureless, c'mon guys, a table here, a couple of chairs there and you can have a pleasant room where you can have tea and watch a populated planet get reduced to a barren rock by virus bombs! Wouldn't that just be splendid?.
Anyway they drop down to the planet and we are treated to 20 seconds of nothing with 5 seconds at the end just to pan towards an ominous figure. This does not further the plot whatsoever.
Cut to our admiral, who's standing in his featureless room when, suddenly, a hooded figure appears, also from nowhere. are these guys coming from a pocket dimension or something? The hooded fellow is an astropath from the Ordo Malleus, who hunt daemons, and has come to be used as a telephone to another ship far away, seriously, that is all he does. The other side of the line says they will bring reinforcements, although, they don't appear in the film, making this scene completely pointless.
At last, our heroes finally reach the planet, where they enter an ominous square building, which again, is absolutely featureless, if the Eldar were in this film they wouldn't stand for this shit, I mean, seriously guys? No creepy engravings? No skeletons? Absolutely nothing? Please, guys, throw me a bone here.
The viewpoint cuts to the figure again, who actually talks this time, but it is still very pointless.
The squad leave one guy to guard, sucks to be him; at this point, I'd like to point out how brilliant the costumes are, they are one of the few good points of the film.
A pair of arms grab Brother Expendable and pull him inward, never to be seen again, what a surprise.
The last two nameless guys are sent to investigate, unfortunately, these guys are the Brother Expendable's cousins, and they also are killed, though they take a few chaos guys down.
Another Chaos marine ambushes the captain and the Inquisitor, who were just inspecting mysterious group of blocks in slots, the Inquisitor decides taking one of the blocks is a good idea.
The captains hand explodes for no reason.
PEAK-A-BOO
Taking the block was obviously not a good idea, as a terrible beastie appears! ...Wait, that's just a Chaos Juggernaut, an Inquisitor and a captain can take him down easy.
But the Inquisitor strikes back! Man, this is going to be an awesome climactic battle sequence, surely this is the moment they've been saving the budget for, I can't wait.
...he puts the block back.
The beastie is displeased by this and promptly buggers off.
The Chaos guy counters by...melting for some reason, and the film ends.
What.
The.
Hell.
Where was my climactic battle? He just puts the block back in? That's boring!
So, there's Inquisitor for you, it's boring, there are big plot holes, and there is no characterisation. Yippee. I give I give it 1 Commissar Holt out of five.
Still, good costumes. Speaking of good costumes, there are a pair of trailers for two other films, and they have beautiful costumes too, just look at these:
Unfortunately, I can't seem to find either of these films, so if you find one, do tell me, and I'll review it, though you'll have to wait another thousand posts
In the meantime, I'm off to burn some heretics.
