I was wondering if I could get some feedback on a little Short-Story I started messing around with. I was inspired by the Alt History thread on the Off-Topic section and started writing this. ATM it's just an alternate Vietnam but I have some more changes planned.
?Get your mother-fuckin head down or you trying to give Charlie a good shot?? Screamed Cpl. Thomlinson ?Sweet motherfucking chirst I?m stuck here baby-sitting the greenest recruits to come out of ?. Which regiment you with again Pvt?? ?14th Airbourne sir!? ?Don?t you sir me I?m a corporal. And just what I need, greenhorns fresh out of London with their only training being Wham, Bang thank-you-ma?am. Well Pvt. Let me give you some advice-? whatever advice Cpl. Thomlinson was going to pass on died instantly on the Cpl?s tongue as a Guerilla?s round went through his head straying the new recruits in even more blood and gore ?Holy Shit!? someone said while someone else retched loudly. ?Cpl Thomlinson come in! Damn it Tommy now?s not the time to keep quiet.? One of the Pvt?s reached foreword ?This is Pvt. Jones, 14th Airbourne Cpl Thomlinson is dead they just shot him. Oh god.? ?Fuck, right Pvt. For the next foreseeable future I?m your guardian bloody angel understood? I tell you to run and you run got it?? ?Yes sir.? ?Right first thing Pvt. Is you organise yourself and everyone else still able to run and shoot to the green ?X? on your map in grid G-17-24 got it?? ?Yes sir.? ?Then why the hell you still talking to me? RUN!?
?I?ve got orders lads we need to pull back to position G-17-24. And quickly. Make ready and lets fucking leg it out of here.? ?What about the others?? one of the other soldiers signalled waved his hand towards the rest of the battlefield. ?We leave them now RUN!? He said as he hefted the radio on his back. The men got out of the position they were in and ran. Green ?X? G 17-24 turned out to be a flat elevated hillock, they barely made it. ?We have reached the required position now what sir?? Jones said into the radio. ?Hold tight for evac. We got a few friendly Iroquois in the area.? ?Sir be advised this LZ is hotter then a Sheffield ironworks.? ?Got it Pvt. ETA 10 minutes.? ?Right lads we need to hold this position for ten minutes then we have evac.? ?Sir incoming!? ?Make ready.? Jones shouted at his men and then he saw the enemy. There must have been thousands of them as the treeline turned dark with enemy troops. ?Lord for what we are about to receive?? he said aloud. ?Make us truly grateful sir?? ?Yeah that?s the prayer. Christ? Make ready!? He repeated the order to the other soldiers as they brought their Enfiled Mk.2 rifles to shoulder, some of them with ?jungle-taped? magazines at the ready. Someone had luckily salvaged a Bren during the rout from their position and made the weapon ready with a belt of ammo. ?Wait for it!?
?Fire? the order was barely out of Jones?s mouth when the whole hillside opened fire at the oncoming wave. For a moment the wave seemed to hesitate as the rounds hit their front ranks but then it pulsed again coming towards them but slower. They fought for an age pouring ammunition into the enemy. The Bren gunner was the first to run out so he withdrew a Webley six-shot out of the hollowed section in the butt stock of the Bren ad started to pour that into the enemy. Probably doing nothing but trying to keep his own fear at bay. Men started running out of ammo and the wave came crashing anew and as sudden as it had started it stopped and the sound that blessed soldiers of Her Royal Britannic Empress?s army loved. The sound of the Knights coming to the rescue. Explosions ripped into the wave as the Iroquois Helicopters opened fire with their rocket pods and then two of them opened up with autocannon fire as two other Helo?s landed ?Into the Helo?s. Now.? Jones shouted at the group of men, he need not have bothered as the men where already running towards them. Jones tripped on his way and was hauled up by one of the door gunners. ?Cheers mate.? ?No problems you dammed Limey.? ?Screw you Yank.? And with that Pvt. Jones survived his first experience with the Vietnam War, a war already in it?s 12th year.
?I?ve got orders lads we need to pull back to position G-17-24. And quickly. Make ready and lets fucking leg it out of here.? ?What about the others?? one of the other soldiers signalled waved his hand towards the rest of the battlefield. ?We leave them now RUN!? He said as he hefted the radio on his back. The men got out of the position they were in and ran. Green ?X? G 17-24 turned out to be a flat elevated hillock, they barely made it. ?We have reached the required position now what sir?? Jones said into the radio. ?Hold tight for evac. We got a few friendly Iroquois in the area.? ?Sir be advised this LZ is hotter then a Sheffield ironworks.? ?Got it Pvt. ETA 10 minutes.? ?Right lads we need to hold this position for ten minutes then we have evac.? ?Sir incoming!? ?Make ready.? Jones shouted at his men and then he saw the enemy. There must have been thousands of them as the treeline turned dark with enemy troops. ?Lord for what we are about to receive?? he said aloud. ?Make us truly grateful sir?? ?Yeah that?s the prayer. Christ? Make ready!? He repeated the order to the other soldiers as they brought their Enfiled Mk.2 rifles to shoulder, some of them with ?jungle-taped? magazines at the ready. Someone had luckily salvaged a Bren during the rout from their position and made the weapon ready with a belt of ammo. ?Wait for it!?
?Fire? the order was barely out of Jones?s mouth when the whole hillside opened fire at the oncoming wave. For a moment the wave seemed to hesitate as the rounds hit their front ranks but then it pulsed again coming towards them but slower. They fought for an age pouring ammunition into the enemy. The Bren gunner was the first to run out so he withdrew a Webley six-shot out of the hollowed section in the butt stock of the Bren ad started to pour that into the enemy. Probably doing nothing but trying to keep his own fear at bay. Men started running out of ammo and the wave came crashing anew and as sudden as it had started it stopped and the sound that blessed soldiers of Her Royal Britannic Empress?s army loved. The sound of the Knights coming to the rescue. Explosions ripped into the wave as the Iroquois Helicopters opened fire with their rocket pods and then two of them opened up with autocannon fire as two other Helo?s landed ?Into the Helo?s. Now.? Jones shouted at the group of men, he need not have bothered as the men where already running towards them. Jones tripped on his way and was hauled up by one of the door gunners. ?Cheers mate.? ?No problems you dammed Limey.? ?Screw you Yank.? And with that Pvt. Jones survived his first experience with the Vietnam War, a war already in it?s 12th year.
If this is in the wrong section I apologise but I am looking for advice on this....