I mean that both in the sense of "everyone" and "you, in particular, the person reading this right now". Too often, I believe, people make bad decisions based on heightened sense of self-esteem, a belief that ones flaws (if they exist) are entirely surmounted by ones merits, and thus the person is on the whole "good" and often "superior" to many other people.
This is especially destructive in the world of dating, wherein I find the most applicable advice to come from the book and movie High Fidelity: "you've got to punch your own weight". I've seen friends, acquaintances, and people on this forum, who put themselves in the untenable position of being "in love" with a girl (or guy) who by any objective measure seems to be a much better catch than the person in question.
I don't mean any offense, I'm sure many of the people who post scenarios like "I'm in love with a beautiful, smart, funny, kind girl... And I'm not the most attractive guy, but I can make her laugh, and I help her with her homework" are good people in their own rights, they're just up against a wall: they aren't as good as the person they seek to court.
If you're not every positive adjective you can come up with (let's stick with funny, smart, and attractive for the purposes of this diatribe) you cannot reasonably hope to be with someone who is. If you're funny, smart, and unattractive, you can be with someone funny and attractive, smart and attractive, or funny and smart. There's little chance you'll end up with someone who is more of a catch than you are. For every flaw you have, you've little choice but to accept a similarly-sized flaw in your prospective dates.
I'm not saying that if you're just a Plain Jane you have to date a complete C.H.U.D, but you're unlikely to find a handsome, brilliant, man able to make you laugh who also wants to date you. He's dating a beautiful, genius, woman who makes him laugh. Nor am I saying that you should only try to date someone who's more attractive, or deign to date someone less attractive; quite the opposite in fact. I'm saying that you should date someone more attractive, accepting that he or she will be "worse" in some other area. You should date someone less attractive because they're "better" in some other area.
Obviously, someone can say "but I know beautiful women who date less-attractive men", and thus attempt to "disprove" my theory, but that ignores the fact that I've simplified the entire situation. There's no doubt that in the realm of human interaction, there are hundreds of thousands of possible merits and flaws.
Thus, based on the above, I implore everyone (myself included) to really look at ourselves. Admit our faults, with real honesty rather than the deflection of "I'm overweight, but I carry it well" or "it just takes some time to appreciate my humor". Honestly say to yourself "these are my shortcomings" and accept that for someone to date you, warts and all, you have to accept he or she isn't going to be any more of a catch.
tl;dr?
Post (honestly) what your biggest flaws are. I'll start:
1. I'm overweight.
2. I'm judgemental when it comes to partying, drinking, and promiscuity. I've been called a modern day Savonarola
3. I'm paranoid, especially when it comes to whether people actually like me. My natural assumption is that women are manipulating me, and that men are friends with me as a sort of last-resort.
4. I'm argumentative.
5. I always feel the need to prove myself, especially intelectually.
Those are the top five I can think of, does anyone else want to step up and admit that they aren't perfect, and acknowledge that they have to accept other people's flaws in order to find someone to be with?
This is especially destructive in the world of dating, wherein I find the most applicable advice to come from the book and movie High Fidelity: "you've got to punch your own weight". I've seen friends, acquaintances, and people on this forum, who put themselves in the untenable position of being "in love" with a girl (or guy) who by any objective measure seems to be a much better catch than the person in question.
I don't mean any offense, I'm sure many of the people who post scenarios like "I'm in love with a beautiful, smart, funny, kind girl... And I'm not the most attractive guy, but I can make her laugh, and I help her with her homework" are good people in their own rights, they're just up against a wall: they aren't as good as the person they seek to court.
If you're not every positive adjective you can come up with (let's stick with funny, smart, and attractive for the purposes of this diatribe) you cannot reasonably hope to be with someone who is. If you're funny, smart, and unattractive, you can be with someone funny and attractive, smart and attractive, or funny and smart. There's little chance you'll end up with someone who is more of a catch than you are. For every flaw you have, you've little choice but to accept a similarly-sized flaw in your prospective dates.
I'm not saying that if you're just a Plain Jane you have to date a complete C.H.U.D, but you're unlikely to find a handsome, brilliant, man able to make you laugh who also wants to date you. He's dating a beautiful, genius, woman who makes him laugh. Nor am I saying that you should only try to date someone who's more attractive, or deign to date someone less attractive; quite the opposite in fact. I'm saying that you should date someone more attractive, accepting that he or she will be "worse" in some other area. You should date someone less attractive because they're "better" in some other area.
Obviously, someone can say "but I know beautiful women who date less-attractive men", and thus attempt to "disprove" my theory, but that ignores the fact that I've simplified the entire situation. There's no doubt that in the realm of human interaction, there are hundreds of thousands of possible merits and flaws.
Thus, based on the above, I implore everyone (myself included) to really look at ourselves. Admit our faults, with real honesty rather than the deflection of "I'm overweight, but I carry it well" or "it just takes some time to appreciate my humor". Honestly say to yourself "these are my shortcomings" and accept that for someone to date you, warts and all, you have to accept he or she isn't going to be any more of a catch.
tl;dr?
Post (honestly) what your biggest flaws are. I'll start:
1. I'm overweight.
2. I'm judgemental when it comes to partying, drinking, and promiscuity. I've been called a modern day Savonarola
3. I'm paranoid, especially when it comes to whether people actually like me. My natural assumption is that women are manipulating me, and that men are friends with me as a sort of last-resort.
4. I'm argumentative.
5. I always feel the need to prove myself, especially intelectually.
Those are the top five I can think of, does anyone else want to step up and admit that they aren't perfect, and acknowledge that they have to accept other people's flaws in order to find someone to be with?
