Actual Nice Guys

[zelda2fanboy]

There has been a lot of hatred on here (and feminist blogs) against the "nice guy" archetype put on by sexually aggressive males. These are the type of men who say "Hey, I'm a nice guy, why won't she fuck me?!" Yes, I realize no one has to have sex with anybody and that acting certain way doesn't grant one access to the wonderland of vagina-town. I agree. Being friendly doesn't automatically give a person access to another person and just by fact of being a girl, it doesn't mean she wants to talk to you. This applies to men or women. I've met "nice guys" who act like that towards everyone, just putting on aires of self involved and self interested "friendliness" merely because they want to control people. "Here let me buy you lunch so you 'owe me one.'" I can't stand people like that.

With that said, I've found myself in many situations in life where I wanted to avoid being one of those "nice guys," so it prevented me from talking to people and making friends. For example, I went to a show last night by myself because I couldn't find anyone to go with me. It was sold out and I was in the very back row. Shortly before the show starts, two attractive women walk in together and sit down next to me. I'm letting them keep to themselves because drumming up conversation with strangers within five seconds of them sitting down seems needy. Eventually, one of them gets out an iphone and asks if I can take their picture. "Sure, no problem." I take two and they tell me that I'm "awesome" and then they go back to their conversation (something about bridal shops). I really feel like I should have said something here to talk to these people, since they forced me to interact with them for a few seconds. But then again, I don't want to look like I think that just because I took a photo, it gives me the right to steal some of their time. If I got completely shot down, it would make the rest of the show somewhat awkward.

Lots of things in my life have happened like that. A girl at my college was in a few of my classes and we just so happened to eat lunch in the same areas at the same times. I barely ever talked to her, respecting her personal space. I was also a little unsure of her personality and wasn't particularly attracted to her anyways. Years later, I look her up on facebook and see that she uses it frequently, but has only about 20 or 30 friends. I feel like I should have said something. Over the years, I've helped many girls in school with their homework (i.e. let them copy it), but were they ever nice to me or talk to me outside of that? No. I wasn't expecting anything in return, but it still doesn't feel good to be used either. A simple "hello" or remembering my name would have been nice.

Maybe I am one of those "nice guys," but being lonely sucks. I've just seen and heard about the mistakes other people make when attempting to meet women and make friends and I want to avoid that in my life. I want to get out more in the world and meet new people. I want to be an actual nice guy without looking like one of those "nice guys." Any ideas/tips/suggestions before I go out and make an ass out of myself? Or ways to avoid/detect those other "nice men and women" out there?

 

[Doclector]

Every time I'm nice to a girl, I worry she thinks I'm just trying to get in her pants. The worse thing is the standards involved though. I'm nice to a girl, and it's supposedly a thinly veiled attempt at losing my virginity, and I'm supposedly a creepy stalker archetype. A good looking person is nice to a girl, that's just fine.

I know that's not all girls, but quite frankly, it's too many of them. I'm sure such a standard exists amongst men as well, but everyone needs to grow up and realise that whilst you may not like somebody because they're ugly, you can't just treat them like c*** for doing the same courteous actions as a good looking person.

But of course, they'll never stop. This c*** is all over our society.

 

[Vegosiux]

You know how the old saying goes, a girl looks for a bad boy who would be gentle just for her, while a boy looks for a good girl who would be naughty just for him.

That's boys and girls. Men and women, I'd be inclined to say, should be more realistic in their expectations.

But, the "nice guy" is more of a stereotype than an archetype, because, back to the realism issue, men and women a guy can be nice without being angsty and brooding.

Still, if you want a woman to notice and remember you, you're not going to accomplish that by just sitting there, waiting for her to notice you. See, there is a thing about "nice guys" that men need to understand, too, and that is that "passive" and "nice" aren't synonyms. If you're not noticed, you're not noticed not because you're "nice", but because you're "not noticeable".

Yay for confusing multiple negatives!

 

[Screamarie]

Being the anti-social creature of the night that screams "the light! the light!" whenever I walk outside I don't have a whole lot of advice for you except this...

You'll fuck up. I don't say this negatively or to discourage you. I say this because it's a bit of a hard truth. You'll embarass yourself or say something stupid. And that's okay! It's alright if you mess up, life will go on, and if someone is cruel enough to treat you like crap because you fuck up (beyond some good-natured ribbing) then they're not worth your time. And if they're not worth your time, move on.

So essentially you gotta be willing to put yourself in the spotlight. And you don't have to make a grand move either. Just be obvservant (without creepy staring), notice if they're interested in something you're interested in and strike up a conversation.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Lots of things in my life have happened like that. A girl at my college was in a few of my classes and we just so happened to eat lunch in the same areas at the same times. I barely ever talked to her, respecting her personal space. I was also a little unsure of her personality and wasn't particularly attracted to her anyways. Years later, I look her up on facebook and see that she uses it frequently, but has only about 20 or 30 friends. I feel like I should have said something. Over the years, I've helped many girls in school with their homework (i.e. let them copy it), but were they ever nice to me or talk to me outside of that? No. I wasn't expecting anything in return, but it still doesn't feel good to be used either. A simple "hello" or remembering my name would have been nice.

Maybe I am one of those "nice guys," but being lonely sucks. I've just seen and heard about the mistakes other people make when attempting to meet women and make friends and I want to avoid that in my life. I want to get out more in the world and meet new people. I want to be an actual nice guy without looking like one of those "nice guys." Any ideas/tips/suggestions before I go out and make an ass out of myself? Or ways to avoid/detect those other "nice men and women" out there?

Emphasis mine.

Forgive me if I'm making assumptions, but based on your wording it really does sound like you fit perfectly into the 'nice guy' archetype. You didn't feel the need to make friends with a girl because you didn't find her very attractive. Depite what you say, it really seems like you did just let those other girls copy your homework because you were hoping for some attention from them. Out of curiosity, did you let guys copy your homework? Or did you not feel obliged to since you're not attracted to them?

Firstly, I would recommend just finding a girl you really like and asking her out, rather than being passive and manipulative in the hope that you'll snag someone. Again, at the risk of being presumptuous, I think the reason you're so afraid of coming across as a 'nice guy' is because you can't shake the feeling that that's exactly what you're doing.

 

[geK0]

This thread doesn't make you sound like a 'nice guy', just an untalkative 'shy guy'. Why not just talk to these people? tell a joke or something, maybe jump into the conversation (sometimes it's rude, sometimes people don't care) "Oh you guys are going bridal shopping? My sister went to a bridal shop on King street! Said it had great service".

I'm not going to claim to be 'good with the ladies', far from it, but I'm not afraid to spark a casual conversation with a stranger, most of the time you wont get anything out of it, sometimes you will. Just don't think of every stranger you meet up with as a potential booty call, people pick up and that and they find it creepy.

As far as being nice goes, just ..and I know this is cliche.. BE YOURSELF! If you're normally generous and polite, then be generous and polite with strangers as well! There's absolutely no need to try to act like an ass hole to seem attractive. That being said, don't try to act more nice than normal, because it's usually pretty obvious.

I'd like to think I'm a pretty nice person, and I don't change that when I'm around women; nobody has ever questioned whether I was being genuine.

Oh! and don't fear the friendzone, it simply doesn't exist! Some of my best relationships have started as friendships; if you're a friend with someone and they're not interested, then they probably wouldn't have been interested if you had flirted with them off the bat.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

Forgive me if I'm making assumptions, but based on your wording it really does sound like you fit perfectly into the 'nice guy' archetype. You didn't feel the need to make friends with a girl because you didn't find her very attractive. Depite what you say, it really seems like you did just let those other girls copy your homework because you were hoping for some attention from them. Out of curiosity, did you let guys copy your homework? Or did you not feel obliged to since you're not attracted to them?

Firstly, I would recommend just finding a girl you really like and asking her out, rather than being passive and manipulative in the hope that you'll snag someone. Again, at the risk of being presumptuous, I think the reason you're so afraid of coming across as a 'nice guy' is because you can't shake the feeling that that's exactly what you're doing.

That's a damn good point. There was a small part of me mildly averse to interacting with this person. I wanted to be attracted to her, since she was seemingly available. I just wasn't. And then I didn't. Chances are if I was attracted to her, I probably wouldn't have tried to talk to her then either. I really didn't talk to any women when I was in school, even ones who made me have feelings in my "special area." I hate to bother people. In reality, I was probably more inclined to try and talk to women I wasn't attracted to because I might have assumed that they would be less able to hurt my feelings (which I later found out to be wrong, wrong, wrong. Chubby girls are sexy as hell and very able to break my heart). Actually, no guys ever asked to copy my homework. This sounds crazily dickheaded, but it seems like women sometimes operate under the assumption that because they possess a vagina that I will do things for them. And they are usually correct.

I did just pull a slightly manipulative "nice guy" move and I do feel guilty about it. I went to that show partly because I knew girls who also wanted to go, but I also knew wouldn't go with me. Then I could put that up as my status and make them all jealous and talk to me about it. It was such an incredibly childish and petty thought. Here's the thing.... it worked. Only problem is now I feel like a total asshole.

 

[manic_depressive13]

This sounds crazily dickheaded, but it seems like women sometimes operate under the assumption that because they possess a vagina that I will do things for them. And they are usually correct.

I did just pull a slightly manipulative "nice guy" move and I do feel guilty about it. I went to that show partly because I knew girls who also wanted to go, but I also knew wouldn't go with me. Then I could put that up as my status and make them all jealous and talk to me about it. It was such an incredibly childish and petty thought. Here's the thing.... it worked. Only problem is now I feel like a total asshole.

Haha, that's kind of tragic. You just need to gain some confidence, talk to more girls and stop letting people walk all over you.

You're the same person who made the heartbroken thread, right? You're welcome to PM me if you feel like talking to someone. You mentioned something about not wanting to waste people's time but I'm happy to listen.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

Basically I'm trying to say you need to be a little more self-centred, it's a good balance to keep genetic freaks like you in check.

Yeah, that's a good point. Someone recently told me that I need to learn to like myself and I think they had a point. I need to get into a "I'm just as good as anybody" mindset and apply it to people I actually respect. Women can smell self-hatred and self-hatred often reeks of desperation. I should have talked to those women at the show. Asked them where they were from. Meaningless chit chat. Let them assume what they want. It probably was creepier to sit there and say nothing.

 

[HardkorSB]

There has been a lot of hatred on here (and feminist blogs) against the "nice guy" archetype put on by sexually aggressive males. These are the type of men who say "Hey, I'm a nice guy, why won't she fuck me?!" Yes, I realize no one has to have sex with anybody and that acting certain way doesn't grant one access to the wonderland of vagina-town. I agree. Being friendly doesn't automatically give a person access to another person and just by fact of being a girl, it doesn't mean she wants to talk to you. This applies to men or women. I've met "nice guys" who act like that towards everyone, just putting on aires of self involved and self interested "friendliness" merely because they want to control people. "Here let me buy you lunch so you 'owe me one.'" I can't stand people like that.

With that said, I've found myself in many situations in life where I wanted to avoid being one of those "nice guys," so it prevented me from talking to people and making friends. For example, I went to a show last night by myself because I couldn't find anyone to go with me. It was sold out and I was in the very back row. Shortly before the show starts, two attractive women walk in together and sit down next to me. I'm letting them keep to themselves because drumming up conversation with strangers within five seconds of them sitting down seems needy. Eventually, one of them gets out an iphone and asks if I can take their picture. "Sure, no problem." I take two and they tell me that I'm "awesome" and then they go back to their conversation (something about bridal shops). I really feel like I should have said something here to talk to these people, since they forced me to interact with them for a few seconds. But then again, I don't want to look like I think that just because I took a photo, it gives me the right to steal some of their time. If I got completely shot down, it would make the rest of the show somewhat awkward.

Lots of things in my life have happened like that. A girl at my college was in a few of my classes and we just so happened to eat lunch in the same areas at the same times. I barely ever talked to her, respecting her personal space. I was also a little unsure of her personality and wasn't particularly attracted to her anyways. Years later, I look her up on facebook and see that she uses it frequently, but has only about 20 or 30 friends. I feel like I should have said something. Over the years, I've helped many girls in school with their homework (i.e. let them copy it), but were they ever nice to me or talk to me outside of that? No. I wasn't expecting anything in return, but it still doesn't feel good to be used either. A simple "hello" or remembering my name would have been nice.

Maybe I am one of those "nice guys," but being lonely sucks. I've just seen and heard about the mistakes other people make when attempting to meet women and make friends and I want to avoid that in my life. I want to get out more in the world and meet new people. I want to be an actual nice guy without looking like one of those "nice guys." Any ideas/tips/suggestions before I go out and make an ass out of myself? Or ways to avoid/detect those other "nice men and women" out there?

You are waaaaay too self conscious. Nothing good will come of it (trust me, I know from personal experience). All you will acomplish by acting this way is alienate yourself from others.
and what is wrong with making an ass of yourself in front of strangers and people you barely talk to?
They have no real influence on your life so even if things go wrong between you, nothing will happen because they aren't in any way important to you.
Go for it, say silly things, experiment. Progress is impossible without making mistakes and the more you try something, the better you become at it.

 

[Phasmal]

My advice would be dont be too concious of what other people think of you, but also respect the signals people are giving out. Try and realise when you are making someone uncomfortable, and if you are, move on.

The `Nice Guys` trend is a horrible one (the guys who hang around doing everything for people hoping to get laid), but that doesn't mean girls don't want people who are nice.

I'm always apprieciating people who are nice to me, male or female, and if I didn't have a boyfriend niceness would definately factor in to who I would wanna go out with.
Just don't be afraid to ask people out, worst thing that will happen is that they will say no.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

There has been a lot of hatred on here (and feminist blogs) against the "nice guy" archetype put on by sexually aggressive males. These are the type of men who say "Hey, I'm a nice guy, why won't she fuck me?!" Yes, I realize no one has to have sex with anybody and that acting certain way doesn't grant one access to the wonderland of vagina-town. I agree. Being friendly doesn't automatically give a person access to another person and just by fact of being a girl, it doesn't mean she wants to talk to you. This applies to men or women. I've met "nice guys" who act like that towards everyone, just putting on aires of self involved and self interested "friendliness" merely because they want to control people. "Here let me buy you lunch so you 'owe me one.'" I can't stand people like that.

With that said, I've found myself in many situations in life where I wanted to avoid being one of those "nice guys," so it prevented me from talking to people and making friends. For example, I went to a show last night by myself because I couldn't find anyone to go with me. It was sold out and I was in the very back row. Shortly before the show starts, two attractive women walk in together and sit down next to me. I'm letting them keep to themselves because drumming up conversation with strangers within five seconds of them sitting down seems needy. Eventually, one of them gets out an iphone and asks if I can take their picture. "Sure, no problem." I take two and they tell me that I'm "awesome" and then they go back to their conversation (something about bridal shops). I really feel like I should have said something here to talk to these people, since they forced me to interact with them for a few seconds. But then again, I don't want to look like I think that just because I took a photo, it gives me the right to steal some of their time. If I got completely shot down, it would make the rest of the show somewhat awkward.

Lots of things in my life have happened like that. A girl at my college was in a few of my classes and we just so happened to eat lunch in the same areas at the same times. I barely ever talked to her, respecting her personal space. I was also a little unsure of her personality and wasn't particularly attracted to her anyways. Years later, I look her up on facebook and see that she uses it frequently, but has only about 20 or 30 friends. I feel like I should have said something. Over the years, I've helped many girls in school with their homework (i.e. let them copy it), but were they ever nice to me or talk to me outside of that? No. I wasn't expecting anything in return, but it still doesn't feel good to be used either. A simple "hello" or remembering my name would have been nice.

Maybe I am one of those "nice guys," but being lonely sucks. I've just seen and heard about the mistakes other people make when attempting to meet women and make friends and I want to avoid that in my life. I want to get out more in the world and meet new people. I want to be an actual nice guy without looking like one of those "nice guys." Any ideas/tips/suggestions before I go out and make an ass out of myself? Or ways to avoid/detect those other "nice men and women" out there?

Hey man, I'm pretty much in the same boat as you right now so I thank you for making this topic.

My problem is I tend to think getting with a girl is an elaborate chess game of right moves, so I'm constantly weighing every action and consequence being as cerebal as possible and... it's just a horrible way to go about it, because when you fail you fail pretty hard. You get fustrated and you get hurt. You also get paranoid and assume things based upon what the girl is doing. And this was even worse when I was younger because I wasn't self-aware of it.

Ya just gotta chill out, act like you just smoked a joint or just finished jerking off, be calm... And if you want to talk to her just do it.

 

[Alexi089]

I wouldn't fret too much about being labelled a 'nice guy' on here, it seems to be banded round a bit like a big red rubber stamp like 'MYSOGINIST!', 'ENTITLED!' etc. A real example of someone warranting the 'Nice Guy TM' label (stupid meme) is the merman who saves lois in family guy and tells her 'maybe I feel like you owe me!' after she refuses to have sex with him after. That's the guy you'd be best off not being. Being a bit cheesed off someone ignores you whenever you try to speak to them or say 'hello' after you've got to know them a little and possibly done them a favour isn't an entitlement complex, it's them being rude and you having self respect. But onto your real question:

Best advice I can give for meeting girls is:

The more you meet, the luckier you'll get.

It's much easier to get a date with someone you've had time to get to know a little, rather than a stranger at a bar basing their opinion you on 30 seconds first impression; so try activity clubs and lessons where you think you'll meet girls (language classes are usually a safe bet for a good male: female ratio and are a nice CV addition anyway).

Just worry less sbout what she thinks of your expression of interest in her. i.e. when you ask someone out, you're not saying 'you're AMAZING and SO SO SPECIAL and I want you SOOO MUCH, but I don't think you want me... but I want you to know if you let me try to be your boyfriend I'll try REALLY REALLY HARD TO DO EVERYTHING YOU WANT! HONEST!'. A more apt translation would be: 'I've seen a few qualities in you I quite like, and now I'd like to see if we could enjoy being a couple together'. Anyone who reacts as if she's hearing the former statement is misinterpretting (OK, if you're the type to get hung up on a girl before getting together the nerve to ask her out, the former may be true, but if it is: 1) Start teaching yourself it's not, and you've invented it all in your head and 2)Don't waste so much of your time waiting when you would be better off asking within 2 or 3 weeks of getting to know them)

There are some girls out there who will try to shoot you down very publicly. There are ways to turn this around on them, but it's quite hard to teach given that you often have to react to their choice of words, and it kind of just comes with dealing with lots of different delicate but still confrontational situations. The only real advice I can give is to react in a manner that makes it clear that you think her behaviour is amusing and childish rather than upsetting; that you are oblivious to any qualities she thinks make her special, and above all, that you're not angry in any way. Then leave her promptly, walking away confidently and pay her zero further attention. If you're really concerned you could even think up a few likely scenarios or responses you think you might get from a particularly nasty woman, write them down and rehearse a few quick responses in the mirror. Even better, rehearse with a friend you trust, who may want to learn to overcome the same fear. I've done this before prior to meeting with a consultant or saleperson I thought may be difficult over specific issues, and it's helped me tremendously when I've wanted to disarm them. Bear in mind though, that a lot of people watching will see through a girl making a scene and judge her negatively rather than you, so don't think everyone in the room is actually laughing at you amongst themselves after.

Be decisive when asking her out say: 'Would you like to come see x movie with me next saturday?'. not: 'so ummm... do you maybe wanna hang out or do something some time..?'. The former makes it pretty clear it's a date and suggests that you have other things in your life besides her (that just makes you look good, even if it's only half true. don't over think it). The latter suggests you don't really think she'd like you enough to date her and just want any excuse to spend time with her; which most people will read as 'low self esteem'. If she specifically asks 'are you asking me out on a date?' be relaxed about saying 'yeah'. DO NOT invent reasons in your head why she wouldn't wanna date you.

Try being considerate and fair rather than 'nice'. 'Nice' sometimes encourages 'pushover' Personally I follow a basic policy of acting a bit like a mirror with regards to how people treat me. I'm a jerk to jerks and helpful to appreciative people. I don't go out of my way for someone unless there's a good reason (e.g. they're a good friend and they really need help). It's pretty simple and it's worked out pretty well so far.

On the topic of your shyness, I'd suggest you look for a regular activity you can do that makes you feel confident. For me, it was judo and working out. For you it could be painting or music or something else. I'd start with a sport, though, if you haven't got one already, because it's often easiest to measure progress in sports (plus as men, I think we all have a desire to exhibit some physical prowess. It's why so many rock musicians and CEO's workout); preferably individually based (so there's no douchebag players throwing all the blame on the newbie for a bad game). If you don't like martial arts, maybe rock climbing? Good rock climbers are damn strong, you can do everything at your own pace and indoor gyms are pretty comfortable and safe. Plus bouldering's great fun. Male to female ratio's often pretty good too, since you never know... Don't be afraid to try different clubs of the same sport until you find one with an atmosphere you like; some martial arts clubs are packed full of egotists. If you do wanna go the martial art route, I'd recommend judo because in my experience there's less grade politics than most formal martial arts, and it doesn't carry as high a risk of head injuries as boxing or muay thai. I guarantee after a few months working consistently at the right activity, your confidence will grow, which is just good for you.

That's probably covered most the important things I can think of; and more than enough for you to read.

The most important thing for success in most areas in life is confidence and a willingness to keep trying, so try to focus your attention to nurturing that before anything else.

p.s. your whole status update thing, that's not being manipulative. If it offers up an easy opportunity to talk with a couple of girls you fancy and maybe set up a social activity together, even if it's just a group outing for now, take it and don't sweat it.

good luck

 

[zelda2fanboy]

My first relationship started after hanging out with my cousin and her friends, also you sound desperate, expecting girls to notice you by letting them copy your homework is a little naive.
If you have a female friend or cousin, ask if you can hang out with their friends, ask casually to go out, learn about her friends and if any of them are in relationships, worked for me, it'll work for you. I actually find it hard to talk to strangers, but once we are friends or know each others interests, I'm a chatter box.

Just wondering, how are you around women?

Yeah, I sort of tried that. I met a nice lady from a dating site and we made out once about eight months ago. It was really nice, but I could barely ever get her to hang out with me again, no matter how many times I asked. Most of my messages were greeted with silence. Whatever. I had given up and accepted it, but she randomly responded positively to me about a month ago and we hung out again. It appeared as though I had been friend zone-ded, which is fine. She later told me she was going to a party and I asked if I could tag along. She talked me out of it and I felt like kind of a dick for intruding. I did tell her I'd like to experience what a "party" is like at some point in my life, meet more people, and that it would be fun if she'd let me know when one came up. Haven't heard anything since, and I know she parties a lot.

I'm... okay around women. Not great, not terrible, just okay. I'm not real used to many social situations in general and it takes me awhile to loosen up around guys. I never really get that chance with women, so it helps to have a "wingman" I can pitch my jokes and punchlines to, and then by proxy they seem to make women laugh if they happen to hear them. This was what college was like. One time my buddy didn't make it to a field trip and I was astonishingly awkward around the girls I was with. Awful. I'm much better than I used to be, though. However, my former wingmen are unavailable.

One problem I've noticed in my attempts at internet dating is that in print, I sound a lot cooler and more suave than I actually am. I make funny self deprecating jokes and then they meet me and find out I wasn't kidding. In my two physical encounters with women, I got the shakes really bad at first.

 

[The Funslinger]

Every time I'm nice to a girl, I worry she thinks I'm just trying to get in her pants. The worse thing is the standards involved though. I'm nice to a girl, and it's supposedly a thinly veiled attempt at losing my virginity, and I'm supposedly a creepy stalker archetype. A good looking person is nice to a girl, that's just fine.

I know that's not all girls, but quite frankly, it's too many of them. I'm sure such a standard exists amongst men as well, but everyone needs to grow up and realise that whilst you may not like somebody because they're ugly, you can't just treat them like c*** for doing the same courteous actions as a good looking person.

But of course, they'll never stop. This c*** is all over our society.

Eh, I'm just nice to people regardless. And I certainly don't give a damn if they think I'm some horny weirdo.

That said, the other side to my personality is being cynical, sarcastic and cutting. On the odd occasion someone has a visible negative reaction along the lines of "ew, I'm not sleeping with you" when I just tried to do something nice, I tend to just say something along the lines of "don't flatter yourself, you pretentious *****", with more or less offensiveness thrown in based on the level of their reaction.

 

[Eamar]

The thing is, most of us (women) can spot insincere "niceness" a mile off. I would imagine very few of us have anything against niceness, but we can tell if you're faking. You just need to relax, treat women like you'd treat anyone else.

Oh, and the other thing we can spot a mile off and which is an instant turn-off? Desperation. It really sounds like you're trying too hard, sort of like you'd settle for anyone. Now there's nothing wrong with feeling like that (we've all been there), but women aren't going to like that feeling. It's like you don't have any real feelings for them as an individual, you're just seeing them as another potential hookup. I'd suggest taking a step back, trying not to actively pursue women for a little while. Focus on getting to like yourself (if you haven't at least made peace with yourself how can you expect anyone else to get involved? Again, been there, done that)a little more and thinking about why you really want a relationship and what you really want from a prospective partner. Then just focus on building up your confidence bit by bit, once again, don't go straight into actively looking for a relationship. You'll get there eventually, and believe you me, often people find you when you're least expecting it, when you're happy being single and being yourself and are not desperately looking for a partner. Happened to me (and to my partner, perhaps to a greater degree).

I could barely ever get her to hang out with me again, no matter how many times I asked. Most of my messages were greeted with silence.
...
I did tell her I'd like to experience what a "party" is like at some point in my life, meet more people, and that it would be fun if she'd let me know when one came up. Haven't heard anything since, and I know she parties a lot.

This is the sort of thing I'm talking about- you come across as desperate, and probably a bit "weird" with the party comment. Your intentions are clearly good, but you're not expressing yourself in the best way, that's all. But kudos on talking to her and everything- practice makes perfect and all that.

Also, for what it's worth, parties aren't all wild free for alls. Often they're very much social gatherings among people who already know each other, so it would probably feel odd for her to bring some guy she's met twice to one. It's nothing personal. Hope that helps.