Advice for an Introvert

[omgeveryone9]

I'm a freshman in an international school and I am a Introvert. I like to talk, but I find myself always avoiding conversations in fear of begin awkward. I had a friend, but recently we were in a huge argument over religion and the importance of health. Now I have the urge to do something about my lack of friends, but I still unconsciously avoiding conversations with others and want to see if anyone has advice about getting new friends. Any advice is appreciated.

Also, I'm wondering about the issue of being in a relationship during high school (I'm single and wish to stay this way for now). Does romance affect your ability to preform well in high school? I doubt, it, but maybe I'm wrong.

 

[Lilani]

The difference between an introvert and an extrovert isn't necessarily that introverts don't like to meet people. Rather, while extroverts thrive on being in contact with a lot of people and maintaining lots of little relationships that aren't very deep, introverts prefer to engage people on a more personal level. In practice, this means that if an introvert and an extrovert go to a party, the extrovert will run around conversing with just about everybody for a few minutes, engaging with them but not really talking about anything of importance. The introvert will prefer to stay back away from the noisy crowd and talk with just a few people, but for longer periods of time and on a broader range of topics that go beyond the surface level. They prefer to get to know the people they talk about, whereas the extrovert is engaging with people but almost for the sake of engaging.

That's quite a bit of generalization, I know, but it might help give you some insight on what sorts of situations you should put yourself in so that you can engage people in the way that you are most comfortable with. So parties and large gatherings of strangers are probably not the best places for you to go. Try to find a club for something you're interested in--a book club, chess club, art club, anime club, whatever. It will be a smaller and more controlled group than something like a party, you'll be in a situation where it will be easier to have longer conversations, and you'll go in knowing you all have at least one thing in common. Once you make a good set of friends within that group, you'll start to meet their friends and it will evolve organically from there. Just remember to always strive for quality over quantity. And if they try to get you to do things that make you uncomfortable and won't respect your wishes even when you say you don't want to, then they are not friends.

And about your relationship question: I never got my first boyfriend until I was in college, but something that I think is pretty universal to relationships no matter how old you are is that you need to be prepared to spend time on it. If it's anything serious, you can't just expect to be able to relegate it to whenever you have a bit of free time. It's something you'll have to set aside other things for. Of course it should be fun and not a chore, but you'll find yourself having to balance "us" time alongside your "me" time whereas before all of your free time was "me" time, so just be prepared for that change of pace.

 

[bluepilot]

Introverts can have nice friends. It is just a question of meeting those who understand concepts like "me time" and realise that extensive socialization can exhaust you. The kind of people who understand your needs when you say, "I love you but leave me alone, I need some time in my bat cave to reenergize and eat chocolate ice cream so that I can be a normal human being again.

Also, I do not think that it is a good idea to have a girlfriend until college. You will not miss the drama that comes with it one little bit.

 

[gazumped]

I'm also very introverted and although I'm 23 now I was painfully shy in teens. I still get the wanting to avoid conversations thing, but I've learned now that there are times when you just have to bite the bullet and do it. And if you want to make friends, this may be one of those times.

As someone who isn't that far removed from your situation I'm not sure how qualified I am to advise you, but here are a couple of things that have made me be less awkward at conversation:

1. Having stuff to talk about! Funny/interesting things that have happened to you or people you know, or things that you've read about or seen on TV - politics, weird science facts, hints and tips, just fill your noggin with interesting stuff so that you have something to share.
2. Practice. Get over that panic and just start blurting stuff out, you'll start to realise it's not really that hard. Okay, probably not best to start with that cool kid that you'd really like to hang out with, but having a friendly chat with the cashier when they're ringing up your shopping or adding a comment to a conversation you're overhearing (so long as they're not talking about something too private, if they're nice people they might even get you to join in with the rest of the conversation!)

And a bonus 3. is that because you think of yourself as awkward you're going to feel like everything you do is awkward. I still feel like that, but when I explain to people who haven't known me for long that I'm quite shy they're shocked and say they thought I was quite friendly and sociable. Because these days I just go 'screw it' and open my mouth whenever I feel like I have something of value to say.

As for the relationship thing, I think that really depends. As a relaxed and tolerant person I've only ever had easygoing relationships with very little drama, and although it can eat into your time when you want to see your partner, you need the occasional day off and it can be healthy to have someone you can hang out with whenever you need a break. The younger you are, though, the more likely drama is to rear its ugly head, although that's to do with inexperience as well as age, and you can't wait away inexperience! I didn't start dating until college although that wasn't really by choice but because I didn't meet anyone until then.

 

[gazumped]

Ick, double post, sorry.

 

[Angie7F]

I also get tired being with people.
I like to have a few friends that I know really well, and when they are not around, I get, well, awkward...

It never gets any better with age, but I learnt to handle the awkwardness better.

 

[Batou667]

A few tips from my own experience:

- Be happy in your own company. If you can spend enjoyable and productive time on your own (not mooching, but practising a hobby, exercising, reading, etc) then you won't fear a lack of friends. Friends will be an added bonus, not a requirement for happiness or a measure of self-worth or anything like that.

- The above applies double for romantic relationships. Emotional stability comes from within, not by finding somebody to use as a crutch.

- Take a minute to take an outsider's look at yourself. If you met yourself, would you want to be friends with you? If not, why not? Try to be the kind of person who you would admire if you met them.

- Get yourself out there. Becoming a more interesting person and making acquaintances aren't Step 1 and Step 2, a prerequisite and a reward, they're two complimenting and self-reinforcing aspects. Meeting more people will make you more interesting, more rounded, and more confident. These same qualities will help you approach more, and a wider range of, people.

- Variety is the spice of life. A hobby is great and it's fine to have a "scene". But don't restrict yourself to being "that skateboard guy" or "the dude who talks about nothing but Warhammer". Keep your interests diverse and your social circle wide.

- Don't feel obliged to go clubbing or drinking if this just isn't your thing. I'd encourage you to try them a couple of times - especially if somebody invites you - but there are a million places to meet people who share your interests. At a martial arts class. Volunteering. Learning a language. Arts and crafts lessons. You name it.

- A part-time job will give you all the experience you could desire - and more - of brief social interactions with a broad cross-section of the population. If nothing else I think everybody should work in retail once in their lives just to gain a newfound respect for the poor bastards serving you food and bagging your groceries.

- Everybody's entitled to a bad day or a night in. If you need some time to yourself then cancel your plans, politely decline the invitation (but let them know you appreciate the thought and you'll be up for it next time) and turn your phone off. A day where you only leave your bed to pee and eat can be very therapeutic. Just don't let a day turn into a week, OK?

 

[Weaver]

I highly recommend watching this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0KYU2j0TM4

It's Susan Cain on the power of introverts. It's good stuff!

 

[Jux]

As for getting new friends, I would focus on meeting people that share the same hobbies as you, that's a good start. Take something you like doing, even if it's a generally solitary activity, and see if there are school or community based clubs/groups that cater to that hobby.

As for the step by step part, if you lack confidence to talk to people, there is some stuff you can keep in mind. First, being social is a learned skill. You need to practice it to get good at it. An introvert myself, I got involved with indoor rock climbing as a teen because I was out of shape and wanted to do something about it, but didn't like team sports. So I started going to the climbing gym, and when regulars would congregate around a particular route and take turns practicing, I would just ask now and then what they were doing, and if I could join them. That's pretty much how it starts. Just introduce yourself and ask a question like 'What are you working on?' or 'Mind if I join in?'.

The second thing to keep in mind is that there is no reason to fear rejection. Rejection is going to happen sometimes. But we have ways sometimes of making it bigger and attributing more importance to rejection than is warranted. Realistically, what is the worst thing that can come of being rejected by someone that doesn't really know you?

As for dating, I wouldn't put too much importance on it. It can be an invaluable experience in learning social skills, but you have your whole life ahead of you to work on that, no need to rush it.