Advice needed (regarding an ex)

sanomaton

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Oct 25, 2008
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Alright, here goes. I haven't asked advice on something like this before and hopefully I will never have to again.

I'm terrible, absolutely terrible, at saying no to people. No matter what I think or how something makes me feel, if someone asks me for something I usually do it. If someone wants something from me, I always say "it's ok", even though I don't like the situation or don't want to do something etc. You get the picture. This comes from trying to avoid conflict to the extreme. I'm just bad at saying no and conflicts make me scared sh*tless.

So, the situation at hand:
I broke up with my ex about seven months ago and we haven't been in any contact during this time which is good, I don't want to hang out with exes or be in any contact with them after le break up, it never does me any good. Never has and I doubt it ever will.
So, just moments ago I got a text from this particular ex and he asked if he could come and visit me later this week. He wanted to see my cat which he liked a lot when we were still involved. Now I really don't want him to come to my apartment. I just don't want to see him anymore. BUT I feel terrible about this because I don't know if I have the right to decline because he specifically said he wanted to see my cat and I know he liked him. I was about to send a message back to him saying, "Sure, it's fine", but it got me thinking - because it really isn't fine for me.

A little bit of background: We didn't have the nicest of break ups, a lot of fighting and he bad mouthed me A LOT after the break up to all his friends. Hence, I'm not comfortable seeing him again. I'd rather just not having any contact with him whatsoever.

Any thoughts? What do you think, do I have the right to decline? And also, how in the name of Beelzebub could I learn to say no without having such a bad conscience about it?

(Also, sorry if this became a wall of text)
 

Jamash

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Jun 25, 2008
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You should ask the cat whether he wants to see your ex and if the cat doesn't say "yes", then the answer is "no".

Nobody has visiting rights for someone else's pet, that's just ridiculous.

More importantly, you shouldn't have to grant anyone access to you or your home if you don't want to, especially not someone who bad mouthed you and you don't want to see, even if they give a bullshit reason like "I don't want to see you, I want to visit your cat".

He doesn't have any rights to see your cat.
He doesn't have any rights to see you or visit your home.
Your cat doesn't have any rights to be seen by him.

The only person who has any rights in this matter is you, so you should stand up for your rights and deny him access if you don't want to see him.

You do have the right to deny him access to you and/or your cat and only a deluded fool or a liar (or someone trying to manipulate you against your better judgement) would say otherwise.

Send him a photo of your cat, or a picture of any cat, or tell him your cat died, or say your cat really doesn't want to see him because your cat thinks he's an arsehole after he bad mouthed you, or tell him you just don't want to see him at all, or just make up any bullshit excuse that's equal to his manipulative "I want to see your cat" line.

Tell him "no" in whichever way would be easiest for you to deny him, but the key thing is that if you don't want to see him, then you don't have to (irrespective of any dubious pet visitation rights, rights that don't actually exist in this situation).
 

sanomaton

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Oct 25, 2008
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Jamash said:
You should ask the cat whether he wants to see your ex and if the cat doesn't say "yes", then the answer is "no".
Cat didn't say anything, just looked at me curiously after asking such an odd question. Guess that counts as a no. I'm thinking of telling him I gave my cat to my parents, I think that could do it for now...

I know this should be obvious and simple but it's really hard for me to say no to these people. I feel really bad about all of it. The message he sent to me was "Is it okay if I come by on Thursday to visit the little guy?" which seems neutral enough but makes me feel bad if I decline, which I think he knows quite well. Eugh.

Thanks for the reply though. I needed it!

Edit:
Now that I think about it, I'm mostly afraid of what he will say back to me if I decline. Because he's already said bad things about me I'm afraid of his reaction if I don't do as he says. When we broke up he made me "pay" for the break up with forcing me to do stuff I didn't want to and give him things and what not. This feels a little bit like another way of making me pay for the break up. (Now, I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong per se, I did and I have apologized for that but it doesn't seem quite enough for him.) This "I wanna see your cat" could be neutral, that he just wants to come and play with the little guy but it just doesn't feel comfortable for me after all that crap.
 

Jamash

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Jun 25, 2008
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sanomaton said:
Jamash said:
You should ask the cat whether he wants to see your ex and if the cat doesn't say "yes", then the answer is "no".
Cat didn't say anything, just looked at me curiously after asking such an odd question. Guess that counts as a no. I'm thinking of telling him I gave my cat to my parents, I think that could do it for now...

I know this should be obvious and simple but it's really hard for me to say no to these people. I feel really bad about all of it. The message he sent to me was "Is it okay if I come by on Thursday to visit the little guy?" which seems neutral enough but makes me feel bad if I decline, which I think he knows quite well. Eugh.

Thanks for the reply though. I needed it!

Edit:
Now that I think about it, I'm mostly afraid of what he will say back to me if I decline. Because he's already said bad things about me I'm afraid of his reaction if I don't do as he says. When we broke up he made me "pay" for the break up with forcing me to do stuff I didn't want to and give him things and what not. This feels a little bit like another way of making me pay for the break up. (Now, I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong per se, I did and I have apologized for that but it doesn't seem quite enough for him.) This "I wanna see your cat" could be neutral, that he just wants to come and play with the little guy but it just doesn't feel comfortable for me after all that crap.
Saying "I want to see your cat" could be neutral, but it could also be a line used by someone who knows you well, used to manipulate you into doing something they know you will object to.

The thing is, if his previous action and behaviour make you feel this uncomfortable (even 7 months down the line) then he's forfeited any chance of seeing the cat again even if that is his only intention, because you and the cat are come as a package and he clearly makes you feel uncomfortable.

A general rule in life is that you don't get to be shitty to someone and then still demand things from them 7 months later.

You may also want to consider the possibility that he may want to further make you "pay" for the break-up by taking your cat, if the cat really is important enough for his to make contact again and attempt visitation rights.

Also, while were taking about hypothetical cat possibilities, if you gave your cat away to a shelter or a good home and got a new cat instead... on the downside it would perhaps be letting him have too much influence on your life and more importantly, it wouldn't be the same cat... but on the upside it wouldn't be the same cat and he'd have no reason to want to see it (unless he's only interested in your cat because it's a cat that is yours, not because he likes that particular cat).

The fact that you're this worried about saying no to him and are even entertaining the possibility of acting against your better judgement, of contradicting your initial reaction because of fear more that respect, should be enough to tell you that not letting him "visit your cat" is the only sane course of action, despite it being difficult.

Could you say that you won't be around later this week and just don't answer the door if anyone calls, or could you even make plans to not be there, like visit your parents for instance?

If you're away and he just accepts that he missed the opportunity to see the cat, then perhaps his request was neutral and the worse that happened was your cat missed some attention from an old face.

However, if when presented with the fact that you're not going to be around on Thursday to let him see the cat, if his reaction is suspicious (like expressing an unnatural desire to "visit your cat" and trying to make plans for an alternative day), or if his reaction is negative, nasty or in some other way betrays an ulterior motive, then at least you'll know that something else is afoot and will have a better idea of what exactly you're dealing with.

It may be difficult to say "no" now, but in the long term it would be for the best, because if this is what happens when he makes a seemingly innocent request to "visit your cat", then imagine how much worse and more complicated it could be if you let him back into your life now after 7 months... at the very least it could be like any positive steps you've made in getting over your break-up and moving on would erased and you'd be back at square one, but even worse it could make him think he's still got some kind of hold over you and it could encourage him to try and make you "pay" some more.

You shouldn't feel bad for not wanting to see him, for not trusting his motives and for possibly lying and being dishonest in an attempt to avoid him (after all, if he's bad mouthed you in the past, he really shouldn't expect anything less from you!).

Since your method of contact is text, perhaps you should just plainly say something neutral and concise like "I'm afraid not, this week isn't a convenient time for me. Sorry." and see how it escalates.

Start with a small white lie before you feel you need to be brutally honest and fight for you right not to see him, but hopefully a small white lie should be enough (although, ideally you should just be able to say "No! Access Denied!" and that would be that).
 

Batou667

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Oct 5, 2011
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sanomaton said:
So, just moments ago I got a text from this particular ex and he asked if he could come and visit me later this week. He wanted to see my cat which he liked a lot when we were still involved.
Easy for me to say, but if you don't want to see him, tell him no.

I'm guilty as hell of letting friends and family "twist my arm", but people who I no longer owe anything to - exes being a perfect case in point - nah, be blunt. Rude, even. This guy sounds controlling, and you sounds like you could use the experience of standing up for yourself. Text him back and say "actually, this isn't a good idea. I don't want to meet." He'll undoubtedly try to find some reason to overrule that. But remember, you owe this guy nothing. You two are history. You don't even owe him an excuse, like trying to convince him the cat is on holiday or whatever (you don't honestly think he wants to visit to see the cat, pet it, and then leave, do you?). Do you WANT to see him? If the answer's no, tell him no.

Like I said, easy for me to say now. I urge you to be tough with yourself, and the guy, and not be a pushover. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.
 

manic_depressive13

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Dec 28, 2008
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The best way to not have a bad conscience is to realise that he has no right to see your cat. Just be assertive and tell him you would feel more comfortable if you didn't see him again. If you don't feel like you can be so blunt just say something like "Sorry, I'm really busy and don't have time for guests", which is easy because it gives you an indefinite time period and is a bit less forceful than "I don't have time for you". If he pushes you to ask when you will stop being busy just tell him "not in the foreseeable future" and hopefully he will get the hint. If he keeps trying after that it proves that he is just being controlling and manipulative, so you should have no qualms about being more direct with him.
 

Spud of Doom

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Feb 24, 2011
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I think I agree with what manic_depressive13 has said above. Sure, nobody wants to be "that guy" that goes against what another person wants, especially when it feels like it's petty. You need to realise though that it isn't his right to see the pet, and it's somewhat likely that he is asking mostly because he wants to visit you. A simple decline will be fine at first, then become more firm if he repeats (and perhaps clarify that you do not want to see him)
 

sanomaton

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Oct 25, 2008
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Thank you guys so much for the responses.

I just messaged him telling I don't feel it's a good idea that he comes here and also that I am busy so I wouldn't have the time for it anyway. (Which isn't even a lie) Silly enough, just moments ago I was convincing myself of letting him come here but I'd just ask a good friend of mine to be here when he comes over, would've made me feel a bit safer if I had someone to back me up and he wouldn't pull anything stupid while he was here. But that just made me realize how ridiculous it is - I shouldn't have to let someone into my home when it makes me that scared.

Let's just see how this all pans out. I'm actually shaking now for doing something this radical and out of my comfort zone but like you guys said, it actually might be good for me in the long run.
 

Kasawd

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Jun 1, 2009
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Yeah, hanging out with an ex after the break-up -or even trying- always seems to come off as non-constructive. For good reason, too, considering that the 'feelies' can be highly unstable. As to your question, however, asking to see your pet is incredibly odd and, frankly, innapropriate after such badmouthing.

You have every right to say no to this fellow. I highly doubt that someone would tell you otherwise. If you're looking for a personal justification for doing so, you need look no further than your desire to do so. Live for yourself, in the moment, rather than for others, in the future.
 
Oct 27, 2010
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NO. It's okay to say no. Doesn't make you a bad person, and it doesn't matter. You have to take care of you. Tell him to get his own damn cat. :mad:

captcha: name drop
me: NO.
 

Smeatza

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Dec 12, 2011
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Would a cancer survivor let their ex-tumor come and visit?

I realise you already addressed the problem but I reckon you did the right thing.
 

sanomaton

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Oct 25, 2008
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Mel Theofficegamergirl said:
NO. It's okay to say no. Doesn't make you a bad person, and it doesn't matter. You have to take care of you.
This. Thank you. :) I always feel like I'm a terrible person if I say no to something but I am starting to understand it's ok to take care of myself first.

I told my ex no and it's not a good idea that he comes here (very gently put) but as expected he got actually quite mad. I didn't respond to his last message where he was saying something along the lines of, "I think you're gonna get rid of the cat so I wanted to see him before you did so!!" and so on. I guess he got the message (of me not responding) because after a few days he sent me another message asking me to send pictures of the cat "cos I wanna see if he's grown." I thought that was okay so I sent a few pictures. As long as I don't need to see him and don't hear from him after that, I'm fine.
 

Random Argument Man

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May 21, 2008
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I'd say that saying "no" is the best choice in this situation. I have a feeling he's only looking for a ground to walk on so he can get to you. Besides, if he talked so much shit about you back when you guys broke up, he doesn't deserve "that" chance.

Stay strong and move on. If your conscience is troubling you, remember that he left you with bad blood. Your priority should be keeping yourself happy.
 

Troublesome Lagomorph

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May 26, 2009
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Going with the rest here. You don't have to feel bad about saying no. I don't think your cat will hold it against you either.