Just some possible advice on a story I wrote. (Constructive, please!)
You're free to say that it sucks, so long as you give a reason why. I'm a little...stuck on how I want to fix this up.
Oh, and I just used "sakura" instead of cherry tree/blossom because I was lazy and it was a way for me to unwind after IB homework...
Memories
Shadows flickered on the walls, dancing around in mocking steps around the dim light from the dimly burning sconces. Sickening drips resounded on the cold stone in this miserable dungeon, echoing throughout its massive expanse. In the dim light, dozens of old wooden and iron doors lined the corridor.
A shiver ran down my spine at that moment, as something unnerved me in some, almost certainly unreasonable way. Though the sconces provided me with the ability of viewing the hall, no matter how I tried I could not make out the beings trapped behind the rusty bars on the doors. Indeed, I could make out no details of their hellish realms at all, as though some darkness wished to shroud them from my sight. How could I even be certain that the cells were actually inhabited at all? I imagined them to be empty, derelict, but I could feel something inside. Something. . . strange. Strange , yet familiar. . .
I shook these feelings off and gazed down the long corridor. The walls were stained green, glistening in the dying light from the sconces. Nothing seemed clear either, as though it was a mere mirage of I had heard so much about. And yet, it felt real. Slime and ooze slipped onto my fingers as I ran my hand along the wall in trance-like wonder. Where is this place?
My feet moved mechanically, and I found myself wandering the halls, and how few there seemed to be were equally disturbing as the first I found myself in. Every hall was dark, all of the doors locked, hiding from me their contents. And everywhere I traveled, that same feeling followed me. Something was watching, and doing it quite intently.
I found that there were only in truth two halls in this dungeon. Each hall crossed in their middles in a perfect cross, and then turned at a ninety-degree angle at both of their ends, always to the left when I faced said end. I recognized the symbol these halls formed immediately, and for the second time, a shiver ran down my back. Why was it here? Of all places, why this decrepit, old dungeon? What kind of sick mind would see this dungeon as a fitting embodiment of it?
As I neared the center of the dungeon, I stopped dead in my tracks: something was...wrong. A sudden rapping resounded to my left and I spun, my breathing stopped. In front of me rested a door. However, it was different. No wood formed its surface, instead crafted from pure iron. Curious symbols were once etched onto this door, yet were hidden beneath the same slime that rested on the walls.
Out of some sick curiosity, I tried the handle. Unsurprisingly to me, it remained closed. Locked, like every other door in this forsaken place. In disgust I turned, when suddenly I heard it. Whispers. Hushed, nearly inaudible whispers. From where, I was not sure exactly, and yet I felt I knew the answer. Against my better judgment, I turned once again. A slim black slit had appeared by the edge of the door. I pushed lightly and the door swung open without protest, finally revealing a glimpse of what hid behind. As the dim light of the sconces filled the room, I found my breathing short, and my body felt chilled. No. I-it's not possible! How, he...no...No!
Some damnable joke, that was all. It had to be. I reached out and grasped the door, pulling it back with a heave, thrusting the contents of the room back into the shadows. For a while I stood there, my eyes closed shut in disgust. It couldn't be possible. No, it wasn't possible. That was over, everything resolved. I shook my head once and opened my eyes.
The branching paths before me spread out far into the distance, a dim, feeble light glowing at the far end. I closed my eyes in disbelief again. No. This couldn't be real. It...it was straight before!
When my eyes opened, the paths branched out, just as they had a moment ago. How this had happened I had no idea, and I soon began to dread this place. My feet spun around, drawing me to look back at the door. The giant, metal barrier, swinging sadly on its hinges, gave way to the same room, its occupant standing sadly before it, his small head hung down.
In some small show of compassion for this young, scrawny and grimy child I held out my hand, resting it on the side of his face. In response to this sign, the child shuddered slightly. "F. . .father. . ." a small whisper escaped from the boy's lips, weakly, gratingly. . .and somehow disturbingly. And then his head raised up, and my heart skipped a beat. My god! H. . .his eyes! What was wrong with his eyes? No, where were his eyes? His empty eyes seemed to pierce into my heart, as though some unfavorable creature, his expressionless face frighteningly giving the impression of a mere doll. Mindless, artificial. . .uncontrollable. . .
My eyes fell onto my hand, and in fright I saw the crimson stain spreading from my finger tips, coating my hand, and then my arm in the warm blanket. I found my eyes returning back to the...thing in front of me. Its sightless eyes seemed to burn with ire, and its porcelain face cracked. A long, horrendous smile impossible on the face of any human erupted across its face, and a shrill, inhuman shriek suddenly pierced into my mind.
I spun around, tearing my hand from that horrifying creature and fled, my legs carrying me as fast as I could will them. I cared not which direction my flight took me, and indeed as my flight continued I lost the ability to remember from where I came. Pathways branched off all around me, twisting and curving haphazardly. But no matter where I ran, I could still feel it, those terrible eyes following my every move, its cries forever reaching my ears. I searched every hall, on every wall I could see for some escape, but the slime cried nay, drooling down the walls in anticipation, and behind every door I saw, I could feel that same presence from before. There was nowhere for me to hide, until I saw another, different door. The symbol that had once embodied the layout of this hellhole was emblazoned on its front.
For some reason, my hands instinctively reached for it, in the hopes that I could perhaps find my salvation behind this symbol. As the door swung open, I gasped. Bright light flooded into my eyes as a warm breeze embraced my body. Green grass flowed from my feet farther in, surrounding the sakura in the center. As I neared the tree, I noticed the pale figure of a woman, her bare back turned towards me, her head bowed down as though in grieving.
Again, that feeling of familiarity returned to me, and I advanced towards her. For the second time, I found myself reaching out with a sympathetic hand. Her voice spoke out, muttering my name slowly, as though expecting me. Then my hand froze as I realized in fright at the similarity of its grating sound. My head twisted slightly, and my eyes were once again fixated upon the porcelain face of the boy.
Then that frightening smile again cracked over its face as I gazed back at the woman in from of me. Once again, she whispered my name, and spun to face me. Crimson streaks stained her face, entire strips of flesh hung loosely from her neck. Her face was just as expressionless as that of the child, and those same ireful eyes pierced into my thoughts.
I gasped in horror at what I saw, and suddenly everything began darken. The sakura began to glow faintly as they tumbled to the ground, landing all around me. The grass withered and died before my very eyes, and the golden sunlight disappeared, fading into the slime and filth of the dungeon. Rusty chains fell from the ceiling, hanging around as though waiting for shackles to be latched onto them, and three weathered statues of once pure angels bowed their heads, slime falling from their faces as though they wept. For who? For whom do these statues weep. For me? . . .No. . .
My feet carried me out the door, and to my horror, I lost my footing and fell, the sudden slant on the floor rending from me my ability to stand. I slid down, the dungeon slime coating my clothes and hands. Pieces of rubble strewn about on the floor rammed into my side as I unwillingly continued my descent into the abyss, sharp pain slicing through my body with each impact.
Darkness enveloped me as I finally leveled out, bloodied and bruised from the rubble. I was blind. Blind, and trapped. I fumbled around, finding only more rubble and slime. Eventually, finding a wall, I slid my hand across it and followed it. Soon, after stumbling over the rubble in this depth of the dungeon, I discovered another wall in front of me. Then, extending my other hand, I felt the presence of a third wall. To my horror, I had found a dead-end, and was once again completely lost.
"Father. . ."
I spun around slowly to face where I heard the voice. In the darkness, I could feel their glares, their sightless eyes gazing into mine. I was trapped. I sunk down onto the ground, the slime falling onto my shoulders and back, oozing off the walls hungrily. As their whispers and cries grew steadily closer, I closed my eyes, shaking my head in despair. If only. . .
Shadows flickered on the walls, dancing around in mocking steps around the dim light from the dimly burning sconces. Sickening drips resounded on the cold stone in this miserable dungeon, echoing throughout its massive expanse. In the dim light, dozens of old wooden and iron doors lined the corridor.
A shiver ran down my spine at that moment, as something unnerved me in some, almost certainly unreasonable way. Though the sconces provided me with the ability of viewing the hall, no matter how I tried I could not make out the beings trapped behind the rusty bars on the doors. Indeed, I could make out no details of their hellish realms at all, as though some darkness wished to shroud them from my sight. How could I even be certain that the cells were actually inhabited at all? I imagined them to be empty, derelict, but I could feel something inside. Something. . . strange. Strange , yet familiar. . .
I shook these feelings off and gazed down the long corridor. The walls were stained green, glistening in the dying light from the sconces. Nothing seemed clear either, as though it was a mere mirage of I had heard so much about. And yet, it felt real. Slime and ooze slipped onto my fingers as I ran my hand along the wall in trance-like wonder. Where is this place?
My feet moved mechanically, and I found myself wandering the halls, and how few there seemed to be were equally disturbing as the first I found myself in. Every hall was dark, all of the doors locked, hiding from me their contents. And everywhere I traveled, that same feeling followed me. Something was watching, and doing it quite intently.
I found that there were only in truth two halls in this dungeon. Each hall crossed in their middles in a perfect cross, and then turned at a ninety-degree angle at both of their ends, always to the left when I faced said end. I recognized the symbol these halls formed immediately, and for the second time, a shiver ran down my back. Why was it here? Of all places, why this decrepit, old dungeon? What kind of sick mind would see this dungeon as a fitting embodiment of it?
As I neared the center of the dungeon, I stopped dead in my tracks: something was...wrong. A sudden rapping resounded to my left and I spun, my breathing stopped. In front of me rested a door. However, it was different. No wood formed its surface, instead crafted from pure iron. Curious symbols were once etched onto this door, yet were hidden beneath the same slime that rested on the walls.
Out of some sick curiosity, I tried the handle. Unsurprisingly to me, it remained closed. Locked, like every other door in this forsaken place. In disgust I turned, when suddenly I heard it. Whispers. Hushed, nearly inaudible whispers. From where, I was not sure exactly, and yet I felt I knew the answer. Against my better judgment, I turned once again. A slim black slit had appeared by the edge of the door. I pushed lightly and the door swung open without protest, finally revealing a glimpse of what hid behind. As the dim light of the sconces filled the room, I found my breathing short, and my body felt chilled. No. I-it's not possible! How, he...no...No!
Some damnable joke, that was all. It had to be. I reached out and grasped the door, pulling it back with a heave, thrusting the contents of the room back into the shadows. For a while I stood there, my eyes closed shut in disgust. It couldn't be possible. No, it wasn't possible. That was over, everything resolved. I shook my head once and opened my eyes.
The branching paths before me spread out far into the distance, a dim, feeble light glowing at the far end. I closed my eyes in disbelief again. No. This couldn't be real. It...it was straight before!
When my eyes opened, the paths branched out, just as they had a moment ago. How this had happened I had no idea, and I soon began to dread this place. My feet spun around, drawing me to look back at the door. The giant, metal barrier, swinging sadly on its hinges, gave way to the same room, its occupant standing sadly before it, his small head hung down.
In some small show of compassion for this young, scrawny and grimy child I held out my hand, resting it on the side of his face. In response to this sign, the child shuddered slightly. "F. . .father. . ." a small whisper escaped from the boy's lips, weakly, gratingly. . .and somehow disturbingly. And then his head raised up, and my heart skipped a beat. My god! H. . .his eyes! What was wrong with his eyes? No, where were his eyes? His empty eyes seemed to pierce into my heart, as though some unfavorable creature, his expressionless face frighteningly giving the impression of a mere doll. Mindless, artificial. . .uncontrollable. . .
My eyes fell onto my hand, and in fright I saw the crimson stain spreading from my finger tips, coating my hand, and then my arm in the warm blanket. I found my eyes returning back to the...thing in front of me. Its sightless eyes seemed to burn with ire, and its porcelain face cracked. A long, horrendous smile impossible on the face of any human erupted across its face, and a shrill, inhuman shriek suddenly pierced into my mind.
I spun around, tearing my hand from that horrifying creature and fled, my legs carrying me as fast as I could will them. I cared not which direction my flight took me, and indeed as my flight continued I lost the ability to remember from where I came. Pathways branched off all around me, twisting and curving haphazardly. But no matter where I ran, I could still feel it, those terrible eyes following my every move, its cries forever reaching my ears. I searched every hall, on every wall I could see for some escape, but the slime cried nay, drooling down the walls in anticipation, and behind every door I saw, I could feel that same presence from before. There was nowhere for me to hide, until I saw another, different door. The symbol that had once embodied the layout of this hellhole was emblazoned on its front.
For some reason, my hands instinctively reached for it, in the hopes that I could perhaps find my salvation behind this symbol. As the door swung open, I gasped. Bright light flooded into my eyes as a warm breeze embraced my body. Green grass flowed from my feet farther in, surrounding the sakura in the center. As I neared the tree, I noticed the pale figure of a woman, her bare back turned towards me, her head bowed down as though in grieving.
Again, that feeling of familiarity returned to me, and I advanced towards her. For the second time, I found myself reaching out with a sympathetic hand. Her voice spoke out, muttering my name slowly, as though expecting me. Then my hand froze as I realized in fright at the similarity of its grating sound. My head twisted slightly, and my eyes were once again fixated upon the porcelain face of the boy.
Then that frightening smile again cracked over its face as I gazed back at the woman in from of me. Once again, she whispered my name, and spun to face me. Crimson streaks stained her face, entire strips of flesh hung loosely from her neck. Her face was just as expressionless as that of the child, and those same ireful eyes pierced into my thoughts.
I gasped in horror at what I saw, and suddenly everything began darken. The sakura began to glow faintly as they tumbled to the ground, landing all around me. The grass withered and died before my very eyes, and the golden sunlight disappeared, fading into the slime and filth of the dungeon. Rusty chains fell from the ceiling, hanging around as though waiting for shackles to be latched onto them, and three weathered statues of once pure angels bowed their heads, slime falling from their faces as though they wept. For who? For whom do these statues weep. For me? . . .No. . .
My feet carried me out the door, and to my horror, I lost my footing and fell, the sudden slant on the floor rending from me my ability to stand. I slid down, the dungeon slime coating my clothes and hands. Pieces of rubble strewn about on the floor rammed into my side as I unwillingly continued my descent into the abyss, sharp pain slicing through my body with each impact.
Darkness enveloped me as I finally leveled out, bloodied and bruised from the rubble. I was blind. Blind, and trapped. I fumbled around, finding only more rubble and slime. Eventually, finding a wall, I slid my hand across it and followed it. Soon, after stumbling over the rubble in this depth of the dungeon, I discovered another wall in front of me. Then, extending my other hand, I felt the presence of a third wall. To my horror, I had found a dead-end, and was once again completely lost.
"Father. . ."
I spun around slowly to face where I heard the voice. In the darkness, I could feel their glares, their sightless eyes gazing into mine. I was trapped. I sunk down onto the ground, the slime falling onto my shoulders and back, oozing off the walls hungrily. As their whispers and cries grew steadily closer, I closed my eyes, shaking my head in despair. If only. . .
You're free to say that it sucks, so long as you give a reason why. I'm a little...stuck on how I want to fix this up.
Oh, and I just used "sakura" instead of cherry tree/blossom because I was lazy and it was a way for me to unwind after IB homework...
