Age gaps within relationships, What are your views on it.

[Parasondox]

Gooooood evening everyone,

Now, I know this isn't anything new but after watching a programme yesterday about couples with large age gaps, it strikes me that they often get abuse from passer-by who barely knows then. As a 23 year old, would I ever go out with someone in their 30's? It wouldn't really bother me as long as her and I can share something in common. My parents have a 20 year age gap and my grand parents 15 odd years. Maybe to me large age gaps are normal but what do you think? At the end of the day, it's about the things and moments you share together with that person isn't it, and age is just a number?

We hear all the time about men dating women old enough to be their daughters age and women who would date a younger man for what ever. Many reasons are silly stereotypes which is why I didn't list any.

So over to you, what are your views on those with huge age gaps in relationships? Have you been in a relationship with a person older or younger than you before? And, maybe if you think this, is there a limit to an age gap?

Just to finally add, I am talking about consenting adults over the age of 18 and nothing underage and illegal.

 

[Colour Scientist]

I've never been in a relationship with someone where there was a huge age gap, 3-4 years at the most, so I can't really speak from personal experience.

It just depends on the couple, I think.
A friend of mine, 22, is with a guy eight years her senior and they have a great relationship.
People can be quick to judge when there's visibly a large age gap but fuck it, if it works, it works.
I think age becomes less of an issue the older you get anyway and if it's a relationship between two consenting adults, who gives a shit?

Alternatively, you can abide by the arbitrary "half your age plus seven" rule.

 

[JoJo]

Don't really see a problem as long as both partners are happy and consenting. I get why larger age gaps are rare, people tend to get on better with people who have similar maturity, experiences and goals to themselves, but there's always exceptions to that. I guess when you get an older rich man and a young hot woman, there's inevitably a slight 'gold digger' vibe, but hey as long as both sides are happy with what they get out of the relationship, who cares?

 

[IndomitableSam]

As long as there's enough in common, it's legal, and one isn't in it just for the sex or the money or the like, I'm good with it. Could be biased though, because at 30 I can swing both up and down and it's not weird at all.

I can see someone who's 21 dating someone in their 30's and it lasting because the one who's 21 has a stable job and has responsibilities like rent and bills and such, and be emotionally adjusted enough.

Mostly I think after you hit mid to late 20's and up an age difference doesn't really matter as everyone's had to "grow up" by then (I damn well hope) and knows what it's like to be out on your own in the world and can stand on their own two feet. Dating someone who hasn't had rent/mortgages, bills, car repairs, family to care for, etc. and you have doesn't really ever work out because the one who hasn't had to face so many realities doesn't get it and is usually more self absorbed. (That's not always a bad thing, everyone is self absorbed when they're young and it's not a poor reflection on someone.)

... Though my first thought when I see an older man and a younger woman isn't really all that polite about either one of them. Pretty much an older woman and young man, too. But then I remind myself they are either both incredibly unhappy and faking it, or they genuinely care and it's all good.

 

[Erttheking]

So long as both people are old and mature enough to know what they're doing, I say go for it. Granted I think a twenty year old going out with a sixty year old would have a difficult time working but it wouldn't be impossible.

 

[kurokotetsu]

Hmmm, maybe it depends on what a large age gap is? Because a two year age gap between poeple in their 50s is small, but between a 14 and 16 year old there is a lot of difference. More so with 5, 10 or 20 years. How big a gap tehre is is dependant on how old are the participants.

I don't mind that much, my father's current wife is closer to my age than his, and they seem happy. So I really don't care. Whle both are consenting adults, well, it's their life. Like any other realtion of the kind. If they are happy good, if they're not well, it still doesn't affect me in no way whatsoever. Their life, their decission, and whle nobody is being hurt that is perfectly fine with me. Live and let live man, even if it is a "gold digger" or whatever, their life to live.

 

[Raikas]

I think age differences don't matter when all other things are equal, but I think it becomes complicated when the age gap is one of many gaps.

For example, a 35-year-old and a 50-year-old are presumably both self-sufficient adults who can approach each other as equals, while a 20-year-old and a 35-year-old generally have a much bigger experience gap even though the age gap is the same.

That's not always the case, of course: I'm friends with a couple (who are together for 10 years now) who got together when he was 19 and she was 27 - a big gap at that age, but because he was going into law enforcement (with an 8-month educational element) and she was going into Occupational Therapy (with a 7-year educational element), they were actually at similar places in terms of their careers.

On the other hand, age gaps can work at first and then have their difficulties later on: One of the admins at my office is a 52-year-old woman whose husband of 30+ years is 25 years older than she is. It was never an issue early in their relationship, but they're super active people and he's starting to get into age-related injuries and health problems, and that's very much changed the nature of how they deal with each other.

 

[Eamar]

Assuming we're talking about adults, I don't think it's anyone else's business. I certainly think that once the younger party is in their mid-twenties it ceases to be much of an issue. I mean, it might still look odd in really extreme cases, but most of the time not so much.

That said...

On the other hand, age gaps can work at first and then have their difficulties later on: One of the admins at my office is a 52-year-old woman whose husband of 30+ years is 25 years older than she is. It was never an issue early in their relationship, but they're super active people and he's starting to get into age-related injuries and health problems, and that's very much changed the nature of how they deal with each other.

...this would worry me personally. A 30 year age gap may be fine while both are still fit and healthy, but what about when one party is well into their 80s and needs full-time care (not to mention when they die and leave their partner widowed for a large portion of their life)? Of course that doesn't happen to everyone, and I'm sure there are couples who wouldn't think twice about it, but me? I definitely wouldn't want to be on either side of that situation.

As for my own situation now, I've never been with anyone more than two years older than me, but I'm certainly open to bigger age gaps in the future. I'm 22, and I'd probably date someone (of either gender) up to 35-ish. I wouldn't want to date anyone more than a year younger than me at this stage though.

 

[FalloutJack]

The only real opinion I have is to ask if it's legal, and if it's comfortable to you on the personal level. This isn't the sort of thing I can paint with broad strokes, I'm afraid.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

I don't think numbers matter as much as at what stage of their life each person is. Are they building a future, are they living a stable life, are they dependent or independent of their parents and what are they looking for in a person? Again, numbers have nothing to do with it, but the wider the gap the higher the chances each person is going through a different emotional/mental/physical period in their life.

 

[Lionsfan]

I don't think numbers matter as much as at what stage of their life each person is. Are they building a future, are they living a stable life, are they dependent or independent of their parents and what are they looking for in a person? Again, numbers have nothing to do with it, but the wider the gap the higher the chances each person is going through a different emotional/mental/physical period in their life.

Freaking ninja'd.

I met this awesome girl a few months ago. I really like her, and she's only a year older than me. But she's a full time teacher, and I'm sitting here with no idea what I'm gonna eat for breakfast, let alone career wise.

She wasn't even looking to "settle down" either, we're just at different stages of life

 

[Tono Makt]

Assuming the relationship is a legal relationship (ie: both partners can legally consent to most normal relationship activities), the only time I have any sort of an issue with an age gap is when one of the partners is between the age of consent and the age of majority (essentially either a high school student or undergraduate at a post secondary institution), and the other is 7-10+ years older. And mostly because people often change quite a bit between 18ish and 25ish as they leave the world of childhood and enter the world of adulthood. (and yes, I do consider being a student in university to be part of Childhood.)

When the younger person is above 25, I have much less of an issue. Admittedly this is a personal opinion on the matter and isn't backed up by science and research, but I feel that around age 25 enough people have settled into an adult phase of their lives that I don't feel there is likely to be a massive gap in emotional and intellectual maturities as there would with 16 and 26, for example.

 

[Caiphus]

At my age (21) I'm generally skeptical of larger age gaps. At this sort of age, a lot of people are transitioning and developing rather quickly. A difference of even 5 years could mean that a first year university student living at home could be dating someone living by themselves with a full time job, and it's unlikely that their lifestyles or hobbies are going to mesh up all that well.

That said, if they're happy, why not? I'm just skeptical is all. And it seems a lot of people commenting have roughly the same view as me.

 

[mecegirl]

If both people are happy with it and everyone is legal why not.

I would date someone a few years older than me. Probably no more than 5 or so years. It is hard for me to want to date people who are younger than me though. One or two years I can take, once the age gap widens I tend to automatically think of them as children. Like if they aren't at least 21 I tend to have very little to talk to them about.

I didn't really notice it until I started hanging out with my younger sister and her college friends. She is 6 years younger than me, and we share several hobbies. She knows certain pop culture references only by following me around as a child. While in college my spring break was on a different week than my sister's. Once I acquired my own apartment she would ask to spend her spring break week with me and we would hang out with my college aged friends. My group had to tone things down a bit when she was around, like no drinking or whatever, but since our normal activities were playing video games and watching movies it wasn't that hard. It was also extreamly amusing to watch the life drain from my male friend's faces once they found out that she wasn't legal. When I think about it those experiences may be why she gets along so well with her boyfriend. He's only two years younger than I am.

Now she is in college and will sometimes ask me to come and hang out with her. It's hard not to notice how out of touch I am with their experiences because I am no longer in college. Although the gap is relatively small it makes me feel old. There are references that her boyfriend will make that I get, and that she gets, but the rest of the room has no clue. Or even worse, they remember it happening while they were in elementary school, and by that time I was in high school already. There are establishments downtown that we can't enter while hanging out in her group because not everyone is 21 yet. But I guess someone who is almost thirty should feel odd while hanging out with people in their late teens and early twenties.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

I couldn?t give less of a shit, to be honest. I?m not one to judge others? people relationships. I might have some ?gold-digger? suspicions, but I?d keep them to myself.

 

[EeveeElectro]

I think if someone has to make a horrible comment about a strangers relationship, they have a few things to sort out in their own lives before commenting on others.

I've always thought if they're both adults and happy, people can do what they want. Assuming one of them is just a gold digger or trophy wife makes you look like a prat to be honest.

 

[GTMippey]

Well, I'm 22, coming into 23 in two days, and my girlfriend is 17.

We both care about each other deeply, and knowing that, I don't even think about the age gap anymore.

I think age gaps only sound larger when the couples are younger. For example, I was 18 when my girlfriend was 12. Because the first 20 years or so of your life you're going from baby, to toddler, to child, to adolescent, to teenager, to young adult then to adult. But after adult, that's it. When my girlfriend is 18, we're both adults, and suddenly it doesn't matter at all how many years are between us.

 

[L. Declis]

Honestly? I'm a bit of a believer in the 20% rule, with the following caveat; once you hit 18, you can no longer date less than 18.

And I do kinda judge age gaps; in China, you'll find a lot of older gentlemen, shall we say, with more youthful companions. And they are kinda skeevy to look at. And you will find the occasional older fellow with the younger foreigner (I remember one of my exes had a father who was around 70 and a Thai wife who was around 40) and it's kinda done for reasons that aren't romantic, and I do judge that.

I remember seeing those 20+ year old blokes hanging around a lot of my friends at high school (age of 16, basically) and they'd be sleeping together and I'd find it kind of creepy.

To turn it around, I've dated women who are 30; they want relationships, they want attention, they have PLANS and they have FAMILY and a HISTORY and a lot more money and familial demands than you do, as well as connections that keep them in places (the you I refer to is my 22 year old self) and frankly I just don't think relationships work out so well with even medium age gap.

Hell, my current gf is 19, I'm 23, I'm going to be moving to China a year in over a year, she'll be in studies for three year following and THEN move to China and I'll be wanting to get a job and all that sorted, and we've got a large gap of around 5 years where we don't know if we'll even be in the same city or country, because our plans and ambitions aren't in tandem. If I was younger, things would be easier, there is little doubt.

 

[FoolKiller]

truthfully, age isn't relevant. What is really relevant is where you are in your life. As long as you are about the same place in your life, it won't matter either way.